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Seth4473
September 2nd, 2014, 07:05 PM
A short story I wrote after a near-suicide attempt, and two weeks later I would end up overdosing. Critique it honestly, it won't help me grow as a writer if you sugar-coat the truth


Itís 4 in the morning and I sneak down to the lake by my house, with rocks heavily filling my pockets; I stand at the waterís edge and stare into the deep fog that seems to be whispering my name, silently pleading with me to disappear into the mist; casting away all my burdens for good; killing off a heart that no longer has any desire to keep beating and drowning out lungs that now find it too difficult to breathe on their own, but yet, no matter how desperate I am to end it all, I just canít bring myself to take that final leap into nothingness, to throw away all of my hopes and dreams in one late night strollÖ.. maybe Iím not ready to die yet, maybe theres a reason why Iím still hereÖ.

Sc0pe
September 4th, 2014, 05:29 AM
There was not much to go on but i do get the feel that the person is in a deep sense of depression. contemplating his mortality but in the end holding on to a reason why he would not go though with the act. Over all I get his current mind set even if i don't know the reason for how he got it.

thepancreas11
September 4th, 2014, 05:32 PM
Truly an honest and touching piece. Almost hard to read knowing the truth of it. We've all been to a point where we think we can't take it and it's certainly something everyone can relate to. As a writer being able to touch other lives is not only a privilege but almost a sense of duty. I have to say thank you for bearing your soul to us even though we are strangers. We will do what we can to help your writing.

From a writing standpoint, I think it's amazing. You capture exactly the intensity of your desperation. Metaphors are at their best when they're concise and very specific just like these. I hope we get to see more of them.

Do away with the ellipses. They seem kind of too much. Otherwise give me something else to look at.

Kieran S
September 5th, 2014, 09:09 AM
I counted 137 words and not a full stop in sight, but your use of other punctuation chopped this text into digestible pieces - fair play. The flow is great, threatening to overwhelm but never reaching that point. There's calmness but it's an uneasy calmness.

Write the next bit - what is the reason the character is still here? Try to separate this story from what's happening in your own life.

You can write and you're writing about something that you feel very strongly about - that's a heady mix lots of us strive for. As thepancreas11 said above, writers have a duty: you have something to say which others will benefit from hearing.

And feel free to use full stops the odd time :-)

Threak 17
September 7th, 2014, 07:26 PM
I like this piece. It's real and the emotion is stark and genuine. i get the feeling of "it's always darkest before the dawn." I'd like to see more, keep writing, you have a talent, share it.

Misty Mirrors
September 7th, 2014, 10:30 PM
I suggest you remove this post.
The "Sane" organization of Australia which tries to prevent suicides, recommends not to publish possible methods of suicide. SOMEBODY MAY COPY IT.