PDA

View Full Version : The Clubhouse (300 words)



Laughing Duck 137z
August 25th, 2014, 08:20 PM
A small piece of work of mine from my first person perspective days. I hope I didn't go over board on the humor, but i believe someone will enjoy it.

Give me tips, words of encouragement, a like. Tell me your thoughts anything. Now enjoy.


A few months ago Spencer gave me the keys to the clubhouse to check in on everyone while he was on internship in London. He is about to finish up on his second degree, this one in psychology.

Outside the house I remember its beauty. The outside is made of adobe and is lifted about five feet, making it impossible to any would be thief to climb without a ladder. Two columns are on the exterior and each connects to the steel railings. The porch is made with bricks, painted bronze. God I love L.A. homes. Its a three story, five bedroom/three bathroom masterpiece, and features with sizable attic. I once asked Spencer if I can move up there, he rejected the offer.

Inside the house has a beautiful grouted tile floor. The colors are bright and match perfectly with the kitchen counters. The smaller kitchen has a doorway at my right and it connects to the small dinning room. My biggest problem with the house is most the rooms are smaller, in order to fit everything. I believe most bedrooms are an addition Spencer decided to add a year ago. It’s not too bad; I just hope everyone is content with the living space. But the rooms are slightly larger than the dorm rooms. A large storage room is to my left and at my eleven o’clock are the stairs. Dana walks from the storage room.

“Dana may I ask you for a fa-”

“Screw you Chase,” she sharply said walking up the stairs.

“I guess best friends forever means nothing to you,” I respond as she was half way upstairs.

Even though we’ve done nothing against her, Dana has always had it out for most people, . A few of us believe she’s on a year long period.

Kieran S
September 1st, 2014, 09:26 PM
Perhaps I'm missing something but I feel a little lost after reading this piece Duck. Is it the intro to a longer piece?

The description of the house isn't bad, and I like the sentence length and choppy style you use - it keeps things moving along at a nice pace. But again I think the description could be a bit tighter and easier for the reader who has never seen the house.

A completely personal preference here now, but I'd prefer if something dramatic happened at the end. Rather than Dana just throwing out a standard insult, perhaps she could have slapped Chase unexpectedly, or tried to kiss him/her, etc.

Fair play anyway for posting your work. I'll be doing the same in a few days.

Gavrushka
September 1st, 2014, 09:58 PM
It's not bad at all but, as Kieran said, could do with a little tightening / grammar improving.

Struggled slightly with the house visualisation, but I'm from the UK and wonder if that is a bit of a regionalisation issue.

I felt there was a little too much comparative sizing going on, or maybe just overuse of small and large. - Maybe a little variation would have helped.

I don't think the adverb 'sharply' was needed, as her words gave a good indication of how she said them (which is a positive!)

And yes, it does what an opening is supposed to do, and that is to encourage me to read on.

Laughing Duck 137z
September 27th, 2014, 12:49 AM
Perhaps I'm missing something but I feel a little lost after reading this piece Duck. Is it the intro to a longer piece?

Yes this is part of a larger story. At this point you would have gotten a feel of the relationship between Chase and Dana. All in all you've missed 4 years of their relationship.



The description of the house isn't bad, and I like the sentence length and choppy style you use - it keeps things moving along at a nice pace.

You said the description could have been better and I completely agree. I'm still learning on that part. Can you quote the choppy style for me?


I can't wait to start writing with Chase and Dana again. Those two are so much fun.

Laughing Duck 137z
September 27th, 2014, 01:21 AM
I felt there was a little too much comparative sizing going on, or maybe just overuse of small and large. - Maybe a little variation would have helped.

Still working on that skill. One day I will be doing it well.


I don't think the adverb 'sharply' was needed, as her words gave a good indication of how she said them (which is a positive!)

Thanks I'm actually doing something right.


And yes, it does what an opening is supposed to do, and that is to encourage me to read on.

Can't wait to share more with you guys.

tuhsao
September 28th, 2014, 06:27 AM
This might be just me, but I'm a little confused about the line "Outside the house I remember its beauty." If you mean that he's standing outside the house and suddenly remembering how beautiful it is (which is what I think you're trying to say) "As I stand outside the house, I am reminded once more how beautiful it is." From the way I read the original line, it sounds like you're saying that your character is recalling the beauty of the house from his own memory alone. I assume he is viewing the house, and thus triggering memories of how beautiful it is, which is why I suggest the line I did. But if you don't like it that way, I would instead just suggest a comma break between "house" and "I."

Laughing Duck 137z
September 28th, 2014, 12:14 PM
This might be just me, but I'm a little confused about the line "Outside the house I remember its beauty." If you mean that he's standing outside the house and suddenly remembering how beautiful it is (which is what I think you're trying to say) "As I stand outside the house, I am reminded once more how beautiful it is."

Thanks for catching the past tense. Sorry.