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cdr112
August 22nd, 2014, 06:04 PM
I got up at 5 am the next day to get ready. I made my way to the coffee shop and waited for Trey to show up. After 15 minutes I called his cell phone and he didn't pick up. I called a couple more times but nothing. I was worried but just figured he may have hooked up with the cute blonde at his firm and spent the night with her, it wouldn't be the first time he'd missed a meeting because of a babe.
After I ate I made my way to work and went about my normal day. I tried him a few more times but nothing.
I went by his place that afternoon and he didn't answer the door. His car was gone as well.
I made my way home, taking a more scenic route, hoping maybe I'd run into him or see his car. No such luck. I figured he was a big boy and I shouldn't be worried about him, he'd turn up eventually, probably with a story involving Vegas, strippers, and gallons of booze. He was good for a story like that every once and a while.
We had spent two weeks at a high end resort a few years back drinking and partying ourselves into a stupor, his treat as usual. I kept thinking about all the fun we'd had together throughout the years.
I went about my daily routine the next day as usual. I went to the cafe, no Trey.
"Where's Trey been, Spence?" "I haven't seen him in two days...its unusual to see one of you without the other." Jacqui, our usual waitress except on Thursdays, asked.
"I wish I knew, guy up and vanished two days ago without a whisper."
"Wow...no call or even a text message?" "Well he'll show up eventually, I'm sure of it."
She tried to comfort me, I must've looked like a lost kid in a department store. I actually kinda felt that way, we'd been inseparable for most our lives.
Trey's family moved in across the street from us when I was in 4th grade. We hit it off immediately and became best buds. We always looked out for each other and took care of each other. We had become like brothers in every way. We shared everything. Hell, we basically lived in each others houses back and forth over a dozen summers. Then I had an idea, I had a key to Trey's place!
I made a detour on my usual route and stopped by Trey's. The moment I walked in I realized something was wrong. His placed had been trashed. It looked like someone had been searching for something. Cabinets and drawers were open with their contents spilled out in every direction. As I walked into his room I found more of the same carnage. The bed had been tossed and the closet raided. His safe was open and empty. I didn't really know what he may have had that someone wanted so badly, documents, cash, maybe guns or drugs? I was at a real loss. I feared the worst. I called 911 and waited for the cops to show.
After about an hour a couple of cops showed up and surveyed the scene, within minutes it was buzzing with investigators and crime scene people. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. After answering some questions I was asked to leave and given a number to call just in case I heard from Trey or if I could remember anything that might help. The only question that kept ringing in my head was from Detective Garcia...
"Can you think of any reason someone would want your friend dead?"
...I hadn't even let that thought enter my mind until he asked the question. I'd hoped Trey had just went on a weekend fling with a hot receptionist but after seeing his place I thought maybe he'd been abducted not murdered.
Murdered. I couldn't believe that was even a thought in my head. After the conversation we'd had just two days earlier...now this. Was it some kind of sign, maybe? A premonition he'd had about himself but didn't realize it? What was he mixed up in? So many questions and no solid answers. I searched every inch of my mind to try and come up with some sort of clue that'd help the detectives get answers but I came up empty.
Detective Garcia called me a few days later and asked me to come to the station to make a statement, I had no idea what I was in for.

Laughing Duck 137z
August 26th, 2014, 07:46 PM
I wouldn't mind reading your work.

Plasticweld
August 26th, 2014, 10:07 PM
I second that, I always look for stories that have little or no feed back, and came across yours... I came here to read.... So what gives? Post it again.

Plasticweld
August 31st, 2014, 11:38 PM
Thanks for re-posting.

A couple of minor problems with punctuation. Good story, well told. I like the way you set up the story line, then feed us more about the charters and the motives. Many writers hit you over the head with too many adjectives and too many details before we decide if we even really care about the characters. Nice work...Bob

hvysmker
September 21st, 2014, 04:39 PM
Greetings, cdr112. First the disclaimers: All actual errors I see are real. The ones I think I see, may be real ... or not. Suggestions are gratus, take them or leave them. Personal asides are to be taken with a grain of salt or two ounces of vodka, take your pick. I am a fiction writer, you know?
----------------------------

I got up at 5 am the next day to get ready.
*** I'd prefer a brief synopsis, bringing me up to date. It would help ... a lot, to understand the story.

I made my way to the coffee shop and waited for Trey to show up. After 15 minutes I called his cell phone and he didn't pick up.
*** Badly need a comma after "minutes"

I was worried but just figured he may have hooked up with the cute blonde at his firm and spent the night with her, it wouldn't be the first time he'd missed a meeting because of a babe.
*** Comma splice on a long sentence. Not good. I don't mean the "babe", but the length of the sentence. Splitting it would make it easier to digest. Also, you could lose that "just." The word is rarely needed, especially in narration. It can have its place in dialogue, though.

After I ate I made my way to work and went about my normal day. I tried him a few more times but nothing.
*** I'd use two commas in these sentences. After "ate", and before "but". The one before "but" wouldn't be necessary but would help to emphasis the "nothing"?

I figured he was a big boy and I shouldn't be worried about him, he'd turn up eventually, probably with a story involving Vegas, strippers, and gallons of booze.
*** I'd split this sentence after "about him"? Short sentences are easier to read. Also, I think you should insert blank lines between paragraphs. It makes a story easier to read on a monitor.

We had spent two weeks at a high end resort a few years back drinking and partying
*** This should be a new paragraph. It's a new subject. You probably intend it to be one but it's hard to notice without those blank lines I mentioned.

"Where's Trey been, Spence?" "I haven't seen him in two days...its unusual to see one of you without the other." Jacqui, our usual waitress except on Thursdays, asked.
*** Ho'boy. You definitely need a new paragraph on that dialogue, between the "Spence, and the I haven't. Also, a comma after "without the other," It's followed by a speech tag.

"Wow...no call or even a text message?" "Well he'll show up eventually, I'm sure of it."
*** Same as above. Each speaker needs a new paragraph. Nough said. I'll ignore the point in the future, but check for that error. It's important.

I actually kinda felt that way, we'd been inseparable for most our lives.
*** I'd suggest either splitting this sentence?

His placed had been trashed.
*** place

I didn't really know what he may have had that someone wanted so badly,
*** I don't like that "have had"? Maybe "possessed"?

After about an hour a couple of cops showed up and surveyed the scene, within minutes it was buzzing with investigators and crime scene people.
*** Another one I'd split. For one reason, it's two different subjects, arrived and being investigated. Also, you need a comma after "hour"?

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. After answering some questions I was asked to leave and given a number to call just in case I heard from Trey or if I could remember anything that might help.
*** Again, I'd lose that "just"? Read it over. Do you really think it's serving any useful purpose? They rarely do.

The only question that kept ringing in my head was from Detective Garcia...
"Can you think of any reason someone would want your friend dead?"
*** They wouldn't initially consider it a homicide but a missing person case. There is evidence of foul play, but no blood. Even then, some jurisdictions would wait 24 hours from the time you called in case he came back on the scene. It's possible he was angry and trashed his own place. No crime in itself. (Ex-cop Charlie, he-he.)

Murdered.
*** I'm extremely careful about using too many exclamation points, but this looks like a good place for one. Under the circumstances, definitely an exclamation.

Detective Garcia called me a few days later and asked me to come to the station to make a statement, I had no idea what I was in for.
*** See? Like I said, they waited to start the investigation. Also, I'd split that sentence for emphasis. When you run two sentences together, a reader tends to gloss over the second one, a trait mystery writers are well aware of. When they hide a clue in their stories, it's usually near the end of a long convoluted sentence where it won't be noticed. Another reason to use shorter sentences.

As for the story, I think it is interesting, even without reading the first section. I see the story advanced since the beginning of the section. It could use more emotion, but, then, the narrator still doesn't have reason to actually fear for his friend. He's simply mystified by the disappearance. You could put in a little anger at not finding him?

Keep going. Without knowing much about the plot -- which is the fault of no synopsis -- I do think it has potential.

Charlie

Mr. Beanhead
September 22nd, 2014, 08:50 PM
Overall, I liked this selection. You did a good job of piquing my interest as to the whereabouts and recent activities of Trey. I also like the way you mixed up the length of your sentences...keeps the reader awake! Concerning things that could make this piece stronger...most fall into the category of grammar and usage. I subscribe to the comments of hvysmker in that regard. Just a couple of observations to add to his sage remarks. The phrase made my way appears in lines one, four, and six. Likewise with went about...lines four and eleven. Remember, there is much that is quite good here. Specifically, I like the pacing...Keep writing!