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View Full Version : Theirs Was a Strange Love (violence)



J.L. Franklin
August 18th, 2014, 07:07 PM
The two had a love-hate...almost erotic relationship with one another. Sworn enemies working in tandem with another: a wicked waltz. They moved together, he mirroring her moves, she his teeth and claws in the shadows, his phantom in the darkness. A sweaty sensual samba, bloodlust building and rebounding, exploding in climatic release of the red mist that settled around them, invisible through the red haze that clouded their judgement, their thoughts, their eyes. The death bringing duo danced around each other, sensuously switching sides, a murderous mandala wheel.

“Don’t you dare die on me,” she laughed, her chocolate lips pulled around her pearly teeth in a feral smile. A soldier was a bit too bold, throwing himself at her, his silver axe roared wickedly in her direction. The attack-defense pattern was simple; elementary. Engage, disarm--literally--disengage, kill. Her blade sang lament as it copulated with the soldier’s neck, and gave birth to a fountain of red.
She loved and hated him if that were even possible. Humans and dragons were sworn enemies by nature, yet there was something about him that awoke a flame in her. He was strong, stronger than a thousand battle hardened elves. He was blood. He was terror. He was fire and death incarnate; as he constantly reminded her every opportunity he got. He smelled of nature and dragonsmusk, a scent that made her heart pound in her chest. He was more perfect than any man she had ever known. The wisdom of an elder elf. The bloodlust of a wolverine. The the lethality of a hawk. The sensual proclivities of a cat.
The dragon made a noise in the back of his throat; she had been with him long enough to know that it was a dragon’s way of laughing. Twin jets of flame snapped out of his nostrils, instantly cooking another soldier’s head to a lovely crisp. Another soldier lept forward in his place, only to have his chest smashed open by the dragon’s tail
He turned his gaze toward her, his blood red eye, large as a shield cast a bloody tint on her armor. He knew she had a strong mind. She was the only human he came across that would not fall under his spell. Oddly, that appealed to him. A human--his archenemsis--with a mind strong to not only escape his mental clutches, can put together a damn good riddle, and strong enough knees to ride him? No human had ever ridden him before, except for her. He wondered if she got the same pleasure of being in the sky that he did. Did he only feel it? Or was it a feeling they shared...together?
“Die? Bah! You make me laugh! I am the dragon! I do not ‘die’.” He returned his wrath to battle. “I am blood!” His claws rent a group of soldiers and their horses to crimson shreds. “I am terror!” He cast a nonchalant gaze toward a group of rushing soldiers. They immediately froze in place. The drgon’s lips snaked into a sinister smile. “And I am FIRE!” With a roar of a thousand thunder claps, white-hot flames burst from the dragon’s lips setting the battlefield and the soldiers on fire. They danced around in agony, screaming curses, praying to gods above and below, to save them from this beast, this torture. But the gods were silent. For even the gods knew it to be unwise to disrespect a dragon.
The dragon lifted his head to the sky and screamed in triumph. “You however,” he continued. “Must watch your back. But don’t worry I’ll protect you.”
The dragon turned his gaze toward her again. “I don’t want you to die…..because I want to kill you myself.”
She reached out a hand and gently ran a her fingers through the white feathers on his face. “Oh, don’t worry. I’d be more than happy to deprive you of that pleasure.”

The two had a love-hate...almost erotic relationship with one another. But their hatred would have to wait. The entire world depended on their strange love; the battlefield their marriage bed, death and blood their offspring.


Author's Notes: So, I'm not sure where the hell I was doin' with this story. Um, it actually started off as a writing prompt that I was creating, and ended up a microfiction that I wil definitely be developing into a larger story and universe. I'm not going to say to much about the mechanics of the universe, but I will say that there will be dragons, and a black woman. That's all I'll say! The only problem, is that I'm still developing another Candyfloss Crisis story (read the story Blizzard), and a few other stores, that actually feature my "superstar" character. And because this "superstar" character shows up in just about all of my stories,I have to figure out a way to incorporate him into THIS universe, so that he belongs." Anywho, that's all for now! I hope you enjoyed reading this! There will be more to come with these two characters!

MizzouRam
August 19th, 2014, 01:24 AM
I like the story but I think it can be tightened up. You might want to consider slashing 10% and see what you get. JMO

J.L. Franklin
August 19th, 2014, 01:47 AM
Got it! Got it! So, you feel it ran on a bit too long? What things should I cut out?

MizzouRam
August 30th, 2014, 02:34 AM
I wouldn't say it ran to long I just think some of the sentences could be tightened up. Example:

He cast a nonchalant gaze toward a group of rushing soldiers. They immediately froze in place. The drgon’s lips snaked into a sinister smile. “And I am FIRE!” With a roar of a thousand thunder claps, white-hot flames burst from the dragon’s lips setting the battlefield and the soldiers on fire. They danced around in agony, screaming curses, praying to gods above and below, to save them from this beast, this torture. But the gods were silent. For even the gods knew it to be unwise to disrespect a dragon.

I think that if you found a way to express the bold sentences more succinctly, it would have more impact and have a better flow to it.

I also think think it would help to break up the main paragraph into smaller ones would help as well. JMO

I love how you turned the relationship between the rider and the dragon into some weird, pseudo-sexual, symbiosis. That's dark. In other words, right up my alley.:)

Deafmute
August 30th, 2014, 02:55 AM
the sex metaphor is fun, I might try to use more descriptors you kind of return to the same things several times "blood is their offspring." is a great little metaphor but using it more than once makes it feel a little less interesting.

I would go over the dialogue there is a poetic quality to the rest of the prose that is really broken by the somewhat awkward dialogue. You use the elves twice to describe the dragon, I would use them once and a different being to describe it the second time.

Overall I think its a fun little story you could use this as a peek into a larger universe. Good job.

h'aulian scribe
September 1st, 2014, 12:55 AM
Did not mean to do two posts but oh well. This sounds like a great story and aside from a couple of redundancies the writing is compelling and captivating.

h'aulian scribe
September 1st, 2014, 12:56 AM
Could not stop reading which is a good thing. Could really feel the tension between your characters.

jakegenebarnes
September 6th, 2014, 07:00 PM
It felt a bit juvenile considering the adult themes. However, it was still highly readable. Keep at it.

ak2190
September 7th, 2014, 07:37 AM
It reminded me of Smaug. Which, although funtimes, made the piece feel simply like a humorous parody.


I do like the idea of a love-hate relationship between enemies, though. You have a good base to build upon.

J.L. Franklin
September 8th, 2014, 08:59 PM
Okay, thank you for the advice! I'll take that with me to the editing room! Haha! Everyone seems to really like the pseudosexual undertones! Tehehe! I wonder...is erotica in my future????

J.L. Franklin
September 8th, 2014, 09:01 PM
So, my good man, what exactly do you mean by juvenile? My brother has said the same things about my stories: he says that it sometimes seems like I don't know whether or not I'm writing for children, or adults. I try to incorporate both elements to create what I call "adult stories for children."