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Yoten
August 17th, 2014, 08:51 PM
Hello all, recently iv'e gotten a sudden spark. Actually very recently , Iv'e written up a sort of prologue and would like your opinions. I will be changing things if needed so please point out areas u find troublesome thank you^^

Hi guys and gals, I'm new to writing and suddenly got a random day dream. I've attempted to write some of it out ,but my skills are very amateur so please bare with me^^. Anyways here's the first little part I've jotted down xD

Dark Walkers
“Why not me?” That’s all I thought to myself as I watched the city I knew turn into hell before my eyes. People around me had been saved, all that was left were their bodies, they had escaped this endless umbra. Sirens, screams, and death plagued the streets as if god himself had ordered it, but I still remained untouched. The windows outside my home were painted with blood; I could still hear my baby brother’s voice, calling to me
“Vince…”as if he were still alive, but they took him from me, these unholy creatures.

The Stranger (Chapter one)
Everything was fine before that day, the day he came to our city. An older fellow,well grayed, he wore ragged old clothes and torn brown shoes. His face was soft and bright, when he spoke it was if he had cleaned the air around him . I first met him walking home from school which was about three miles from my apartment. Having moved out of my parents’ home, and starting college; I didn't have the funds to buy my own ride. We often sat on the park bench speaking of life, general things taxes, government and the state of the world we lived in. He seemed so kind and innocent,his non threatening demeanor made him approachable , but I was the only one he spoke with.

“Young man I have to say, you’re the most pleasant youngster I've met since my arrival here. Your parents must be proud.” His words were light, but I took them to heart. If only he had known of the relationship between my parents and me, he wouldn't have said it.

“Thank you for your kind words. Our time together has been enjoyable for me as well, unlike my current experience at school. Would be nice to wake up in the morning, and just feel excited to walk into my class room, but all I feel is stress and anger.” He stared off awhile before speaking again, but when he spoke I felt something, but only for an instant.

“Sometimes people are just releasing their issues on others, surely u know this. However this far from justifies their actions , hell I’d go as far to say they need to suffer ,truly suffer to understand that their minor problems are only among the tiniest of real issues.”

I tried to process what he had meant by “real issues” something bugged me about the infliction of his voice as he said it, As if there was malice behind it, but I ignored it and changed the subject.
“In the past three weeks of our meeting, you have never once told me your name. Saying I’m curious would be a serious understatement now, so let’s hear it. We chuckled a bit, realizing we both had not formally introduced ourselves.

“You may call me Liam. Now that I've given you a name to address me by, what may I call you?” I couldn't help but smile, something about this guy made me feel carefree and safe.

“Call me Vince, and it’s a pleasure to officially meet you Liam.” We sat there on that bench until the sun began to retire. He stood up and began to leave, as he always did at this exact time, always the same words of departure.” Well it’s getting dark; I’d better head home, before salvation abandons the skies.” The meanings of his words were impossible for me to process, and personally I had translated it into, I’d better get home while I could still see. The street lights around our city didn't activate until two hours after a time some of the locals called “the Devils stroll” Nineteen years of hearing the same story, could make anyone a skeptic but for others it only reassured their belief.As I sat and watched him leave, I began to feel uneasy, like something was coming for me, watching me.

“I’m sure it’s nothing, maybe just stress, yeah that must be it. Rent is due this week and I need new books, not to mention groceries.” I stood and began to make my way home, the silence of night was nearing and the scenery around me followed suit. It was always easy to tell when the Devils stroll was near, kids went inside, traffic began to vanish and darkness would conceal every corner and alley. As I looked back I noticed the park no longer visible, so I picked up the pace from a sluggish walk into a rhythmic jog, talking to myself hoping to become ignorant of my surroundings.

thepancreas11
August 19th, 2014, 01:56 AM
Not much to go on, I'll be honest. Anything this short just comes with all sorts of questions. It takes an extraordinarily talented and experienced writer to make something so short have life, and I'll say, it just doesn't have it yet. I think you need just a bit more. Try something on the order of a thousand words, and I can give you better feedback, something that can really get your gears going. Feel free to send me a personal message when that happens asking me to read it.

As far as this writing goes, I think a lot of it has very figurative nature, and most of it could be condensed even further into one or two sentences. I get a good voice from your character, this cynical, somewhat bitter, and overtly aggressive person, who sees nothing but the bad that sits in front of his window. However, I think you could do a much better job of actually describing the setting and the plot. That being said, you want to filter details in; don't hit us with straight up explanation. Give it a bit of dialogue, maybe, or make this into internal dialogue like some kind of noir.

Keep it coming!

brarca
August 19th, 2014, 04:20 AM
I think this is a cool concept, but it is really too short to tell. Post a longer version and I'd be happy to give you an in depth C/C :)

Yoten
August 19th, 2014, 09:26 AM
Iv'e added more :p hope this gives a tad more insight , Iv;e also changed the beginning up until the old mans first words