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pudding
August 16th, 2014, 07:04 PM
Hey y'all. While I'm still in the creative process of building a plot, I am infamous for jumping into important scenes to get a better feel of the characters and just how rusty I am with certain topics. I recently wrote up a quick snippet of a death scene I plan in the novel, but I'm worried I've fallen flat... I would love comments and critique. Warning, though: it's quite gory.

*And please do note the narrator is a seventeen year old girl. I wrote the scene choppy for a reason.


I didn’t want to see it. But, like so many times before, my body completely shut down, unable to look away from the nightmare unfolding around me.
I watched in complete horror as the Rama tore his hand from Willow’s stomach. Crimson splattered the floorboards. It looked straight out of a horror movie; I always hated those, not because I had to witness the cheaply executed gore but because the victims were real in my mind, with families and friends and a life so easily stolen away and replaced with a ridiculously messy end. Their screams always gave me shivers.
Except, Willow didn’t scream. Perhaps the shock proved to be too much. Instead, she parted her jaws, which in return overflowed with blood, and coughed. Her eyes were no longer the only things glowing red. She was painted in the evil color, the dim light reflecting it beautifully and tragically.
“Weak scum,” the Rama sneered, and flicked blood from his hand. “So desperate for good. Look what it has done for you. Absolutely nothing.”
He turned to me. I wondered if I would meet the same fate of Willow, who crumpled to the ground once his line of vision parted hers, and tears began to spill down my cheeks.
A sob rose in my throat. Willow was dead, and she might not be if one of the other RRs volunteered to go with her and not me.
“You’re human,” he said rather softly after inhaling my scent.
I recalled what Gavin had said about other Ramas getting off on human pain. The sob broke—the silence in my throat shattered. My legs buckled, and I buried my head in my hands, crying and wailing and shacking.
You killed Willow, I thought. “You killed Willow,” I repeated out loud, my voice a defeated whisper.
I heard footsteps advance towards me. So this is it.
The end never came, though. The sound of leather boots thundered before me then gradually started to decrease. The door quietly shut behind me.
A horrible feeling infiltrated the gut of my stomach: disappointment.

JStoudt
August 16th, 2014, 09:51 PM
I wouldn't say you've fallen flat at all. Being that there's nothing else to go on besides this snippet, I'm not emotionally attached to the characters obviously so it lacks a punch that it might otherwise have with good backstory. One sentence "Willow was dead, and she might not be if one of the other RRs volunteers to go with her and not me." needs to be edited since it doesn't make sense and it ruins a scene when something like that happens. Other than that, for me it's a decent scene without knowing how important Willow is to the story.

pudding
August 16th, 2014, 09:57 PM
Thank you!
I realize it's hard to comprehend a snippet like this; I've known these characters a long time, so I have no problems writing out random scenes to practice my abilities. As for the one sentence, that was a grammatical error, which I fixed, though it still doesn't make sense to someone who does not know the plot behind the story. I'm hesitant to share it online, so I probably won't be besides maybe private messaging.

mrmustard615
August 16th, 2014, 10:00 PM
All I can say is that you write very well. I don't know whether you are seventeen or it is just your narrator character but either way you seem to have the makings of a very good writer.

pudding
August 16th, 2014, 10:19 PM
All I can say is that you write very well. I don't know whether you are seventeen or it is just your narrator character but either way you seem to have the makings of a very good writer.
Sixteen actually (: Thank you very much, that means a lot to someone still trying to find their way in the writing world.

TKent
August 17th, 2014, 02:28 AM
That was really good! And it was far from falling flat to me. Great job for anyone. So even cooler that you are 16. Wow!

- It was very interesting. I'm dying to know what Willow is (or was as the case may be) since it sounds like she wasn't human, right? I also want to know why the Rama didn't kill her. I'd definitely want to read more.

- You wrote the action very well, I could visualize the gory mess and envision the action taking place!

- Some really GREAT descriptive lines like the one below:


She was painted in the evil color, the dim light reflecting it beautifully and tragically.

- There were a couple of minor 'speedbumps' for me that might be reworded to flow better (see below), but really this was so minor!

(I the one below, it was a little long (just a little) and all of the plurals are followed by "a life so.." should it be "lives" and "replace with a.." I am so rusty on grammar--I know when things don't sound right but too lazy to figure out why. So I may be totally wrong.


I always hated those, not because I had to witness the cheaply executed gore but because the victims were real in my mind, with families and friends and a life so easily stolen away and replaced with a ridiculously messy end.

'infiltrated the gut of my stomach' was a tiny bit bumpy for me.


A horrible feeling infiltrated the gut of my stomach: disappointment.

J Anfinson
August 17th, 2014, 02:38 AM
It looked straight out of a horror movie; I always hated those, not because I had to witness the cheaply executed gore but because the victims were real in my mind, with families and friends and a life so easily stolen away and replaced with a ridiculously messy end. Their screams always gave me shivers.

I think this part detracts from the pacing. In my opinion, once the action starts it's usually a mistake to break away into this kind of exposition. Something I try to do is set up the scene with exposition beforehand and ratchet the tension up little by little. Then once the action starts it goes into overdrive until it either reaches a mini-peak or the main peak right before the end. Does that make sense? Good horror/suspense is all about building the tension, making the reader beg you to tell them what's going to happen, but driving them crazy by putting it off as long as you can to make sure the tension is high. Think of Stephen King's The Shining- it took something like three pages just for the kid to open the door to that hotel room once we knew he was going to. King took his time to build that scene and make us sweat, then cranked up the pacing once bad things started happening. Hope that helps.

For the most part you've written this pretty well. The only other thing I might suggest is to remove some of the "telling" words you've used. Such as:



I watched
I wondered
I recalled
I heard

Most of the time these are pointless. You can take these out and, at least in my opinion, enrich the prose by doing so. For example, you could remove "I watched" and change the structure of the sentence so that it's no longer needed, like this:


The Rama tore his hand from Willow's stomach and crimson splashed the floorboards as her face twisted in agony...

...or something like that. From this limited view at your work I don't even know what a Rama is, to tell you the truth, but I can see he's not very nice. Anyway, with a little imagination you can get rid of those other "I's" as well.

For your age, you've certainly got talent. Keep typing and always be willing to learn and I'll bet you'll be really good some day. Hope I've helped.

J.

pudding
August 17th, 2014, 03:04 AM
- It was very interesting. I'm dying to know what Willow is (or was as the case may be) since it sounds like she wasn't human, right? I also want to know why the Rama didn't kill her. I'd definitely want to read more.


Thank you so much! I'm glad you found the scene interesting, I'e always been a bit self conscious about how to entertain a reader with intense situations like this one. As for the Ramas, they are an original species of mine, similar to that of a demon if you were to strip away the religious prospect of it. Willow was indeed a Rama herself.
I'm already writing an outline for the plot, then I will begin actually writing the story.

As for the one paragraph, I also found it a bit lengthy. I have a tendency to spit out mouth-full sentences. Hopefully I can do something to fix it or just chop it out completely.


I think this part detracts from the pacing. In my opinion, once the action starts it's usually a mistake to break away into this kind of exposition. Something I try to do is set up the scene with exposition beforehand and ratchet the tension up little by little. Then once the action starts it goes into overdrive until it either reaches a mini-peak or the main peak right before the end. Does that make sense? Good horror/suspense is all about building the tension, making the reader beg you to tell them what's going to happen, but driving them crazy by putting it off as long as you can to make sure the tension is high. Think of Stephen King's The Shining- it took something like three pages just for the kid to open the door to that hotel room once we knew he was going to. King took his time to build that scene and make us sweat, then cranked up the pacing once bad things started happening. Hope that helps.


It certainly did. I see what you mean; I almost feel I struggle with going slow and picking up pace, so that is something I will work on.

I remember my teacher pointing out my constant "Is" also... first person likes to trip me up! I will go back and revise some of those.

Daniel Loreand
August 17th, 2014, 03:24 AM
I can't really say what hasn't been said but I'd love to get my grubby little fingers (well . . eyes really) on the full thing. Bit of advice (though I'm probably the last person you want to take advice from) I wouldn't jump to the important parts of the plot, I think it's an easy trap to fall into and doesn't help you get a 'feel' of things as things change so much in the telling. Take it or leave it, if it work for you, great.

Daniel.

pudding
August 17th, 2014, 03:29 AM
I can't really say what hasn't been said but I'd love to get my grubby little fingers (well . . eyes really) on the full thing. Bit of advice (though I'm probably the last person you want to take advice from) I wouldn't jump to the important parts of the plot, I think it's an easy trap to fall into and doesn't help you get a 'feel' of things as things change so much in the telling. Take it or leave it, if it work for you, great.

Daniel.

I sincerely hope I can fuffill all of you guy's wishes! It is a high hope of mine that I can finish this story and publish it in the close future.
I can't argue with that, ha.. I really should have called it a guilty pleasure, not practice... but I'm refraining from writing anything else but chapter one now.