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View Full Version : Halbrix (Unfinished, 15500 words, mild language)



Yoten
August 12th, 2014, 07:25 PM
Hello there everyone this is my attempt at writing a story. I have little to no previous experience writing at all , so I'm mostly looking forward to the criticisms. Without further delay here's my story.



Halbrix


Freezing rain, gale force winds and a nag awaited me this morning, what a lovely way to start the last free weekend of my young life. Gifted people like me are required by law of this so-called glorious city, to attend a special school for magic users at the ripe age of sixteen. In Belius a city named after one of the original great sages, and also happened to be one of the largest industrial cities. I was born here into one of the noble family’s, and from what I've been taught there are four total, the other three being Erasa, Dezerou, and Zereum. Along with Belius they are major cities that together reign over the land of Xeora, and have their own noble families indigenous to themselves. Personally I don’t give a damn about history; I just wanted this day to end.


Staring up at his ceiling half awake, young Vonshi Seifer now sixteen years old contemplates what to do with the last of his free time during a seemingly unending storm. Born into a family of strict fire users who looked down on other forms of magic, outside their own greatly limited his options during the rain seasons, which in the vicinity of Belius was quite a lot. For what seemed like hours he just fixed his gaze at the ceiling no intent to do anything else, until his mother burst into his room with a stern face. A average sized woman with long black hair and soft yellow eyes like a cat, she wore a long black dress and a white apron. Friendly upon first glance until she spoke

“Von do u plan to lie there like useless trash all morning away? You do realize you've work to do, school is only two days away and the entrance exam is very demanding. I know u don’t understand the importance of first impressions, nor do you understand how fortunate you are to have been born into the Seifer family." His mother carried on for a time until she realized he had dozed off once again."..... Ah forget it you are just a ungrateful disgrace u can't even maintain a flame in the rain, it’s obvious to me the only fool here is me for having wasted my words on you." His mother left the room slamming the door which caused Vonshi to spring up looking around.

“Jeez what the hell was that about? Guess we're going around slamming doors this morning." Vonshi yawns and stretches out his arms as he swirls around placing his feet on the floor, after fully waking up Vonshi moves his silver hair away from his face and walks over to his dresser and pulls out some casual clothes. A black shirt with red trims bearing the image of a truculent dragon on the back which happened to be his family crest, Some slim fitting white pants with a chain linked from his front left belt hoop to the third, black flat soled shoes with red flames along the sides of them along with the name of the designer Viyu, and a white hoodie also bearing his family's crest on the back along with kanji representing his own way of life that read " Burning spirit".



Fully dressed Vonshi leaves his room heading past his mother, but as their eyes meet he freezes in place waiting for her impending words of disdain, but to his surprise she smiled walked over to him and hugged him her head only coming to his neck.

“Son I know sometimes I’m a bit mean but I only want the best for you. You are from a prestigious line of fire mages and must measure up to what our family has Advocated for centuries, bravery , leadership, duty ,honor ,and above all the power to conquer any foe or challenge." upon hearing his mother words of encouragement His red eyes begin to gleam as he smiles.

“Mother all my life it's always been that I wasn't good enough, but hearing you for the first time actually showing that you care I just have to know why it is you have chosen now of all times?"



Vonshi's mother steps away as tears stream down her face” You are growing up so fast and I can't bear the thought of you being on your own. I mean look at it from my perspective, you are completely irresponsible, the thought of you away from me, the woman who birthed you, cleaned after you, cooked your food and picked your clothes since you were a baby! What chance would u stand on your own? Yesterday I had to do your laundry and found the money I gave you to get milk still inside the pocket!"

Vonshi shifts his gaze and rubs his head “well I got the milk didn't I, you know it's in there."

Vonshi's mother smacks him on the head " Our maid told me that you had her go to the store and use her own money to get the milk so don't give me that shit ok? "

Vonshi gives a sly smile and turns toward the door until he is once again stopped by his mother.

“Wait son here you will need this until you have become more experienced at magic.” She hands him a Imperium bracelet that belonged to his father." Now then with this bracelet you will be able to gauge your energy usage on magic, you know like every other magic user using more energy than u have comes with horrid repercussions.

“Vonshi puts the bracelet on his wrist which sends streams of light pulsing as it locks itself in place, soon after the jewel in the middle is filled with what appears to be a dancing crimson flame.



Vonshi stared at it as if he were hypnotized wondering what exactly the flame symbolized ,but instead of prying for answers he hugged his mother one last time and set off into the rain heading to the Air docks to catch a Aviair to Vezera a lesser city around Ersa home to the great school of magic users Grixas. As he walked in the rain hands in his pockets he couldn't help but wonder to himself

“For me to be from such a wealthy well known family I sure do live like a commoner walking in the rain sheesh." Tyrannical thunder shook the streets as the storm grew worse with each passing second ,and everyone with a brain quickly ran for cover or got into their Equis a hovering vehicle used by most people in each city. Vonshi began to sprint toward the dock which was three miles away from where he currently was ,taking a few short cuts he managed to knock off half a mile but the storm became Impassable forcing him to take refuge in a nearby diner. As he stepped through the door dripping wet a woman came to welcome him and show him to a seat.

" Welcome sir please take a look at the menu ill be standing by to take your order when you're ready." Thanking the woman Vonshi thumbed through the menu looking for something hot and quick to eat.

“Well this storm isn't going to allow me to progress any further as it is ,and with only a couple hours to make it to the dock ... screw u life. If I have to go back home ill never hear the end of this."

Flagging the waitress back over after having decided what to eat a sharp eyed young woman approached him two sheathed swords crossed on her waist, she spoke clearly with a voice while stern and clear was also arousing

“That crest on your back I assume you're the youngest of the Seifer family correct?" While chewing his food Vonshi turns to speak until he lays eyes on her, a picture of beauty stood there before him. Purple hair with two long bangs aside her face and a long pony tail in the back, a very curvaceous body and skins as pure as the sun was hot. a black choker was wrapped around her neck while she had a white shirt with sleeves that grew larger covering her hands when her arms were down at her sides, her waist covered by a red sash with knotted fabric hanging off to the side ,black Capri's hovering low enough to show her navel, but the swords on her waist stood out most of all.

“Yeah I am, and you are?"

"I am Aya Evergale heir of the Evergale family, now that I've properly introduced myself what is your name young Seifer?" Vonshi stood and formally introduced himself

“My name is Vonshi Seifer heir to the Seifer family and future guardian of the azure flame, it's very nice to meet you Aya." Smiles cross both their faces as they bow to one another Aya performing her family's wing bow placing both hands outward at her sides and kneeling, while Vonshi forms fist with both hands placing them together knuckle to knuckle. Aya returns to a upright position and turns toward the door to leave

“It was very nice meeting you Vonshi I look forward to seeing you at Grixas." Aya heads toward the door and vanishes as a lightning bolt lands atop her. Wide eyed, Vonshi can't help but smile

“Those lighting mages sure are flashy or maybe she just wants to impress me." Having said this aloud, a nearby voice catches his attention.

“Well I don't know about that but I do know it's time for you to pay the tab." Vonshi swiftly faces a boy looking about his age Long black hair in the front but cut short in the back ending a bit before his neck, he wore nice clothes a sleeveless white shirt with a yin yang symbol on the back along with black pants covered by two sashes in the front and back, at his feet he wore traditional tabi and his eyes were bright with a yellow sheen his entire appearance uncommon in the city.

" Man what the hell why are u so close to me better yet how did u sneak up on me?" the boy begins to laugh holding his sides.

" well personally I want to know the same, to think such nobility could be so easily snuck upon raises shock, then again after talking to a piece of tail like that id be distracted as well."

Sighing lightly Vonshi pays his tab and begins to reenter the raging storm which has seemed to have not let up in the slightest, The young boy called out before he could exit”

My name is Yoite by the way and this is my family's diner thank you for your business you are welcome anytime."



Vonshi waves and leaps back into rain reenergized but still at a loss for a solution until he sees a delivery group leaving a bar on the back of their Equis left down . Thirty minutes had passed since he left the diner and he could finally see the dock, wet and cold after having jumped onto the back of a the delivery Equis he released the bar and rolled as they made a turn down a nearby street.

"Finally I made it and only minutes to spare, well id better step on it." upon approaching the security gate he was asked by two very large guards to present his currency

"You there boy present your money or turn around." Vonshi raises a brow at the guards and rubs his head.

“I’m of the Seifer family my fare has already been paid and I have a private wing on this Aviair." Expression unchanged the guards then demand he show them his family seals with fire magic as each member of his family did to show proof of their blood. Vonshi stood back holding out his right hand as the flames begin to form they were extinguished by the rain causing the guards to laugh hysterically.

"YOU are a Seifer? Please I've heard of no such Seifer this weak GET OUT OF LINE NOW PUNK before I detain you for impersonation of nobility. Enraged yet contained Vonshi leaves the line and sulks against a wall until he hears a familiar voice.

“hey there Vonshi was it ? It's me Yoite I've been tailing u awhile now almost lost you when u hitched a ride on that Equis. I saw your little show there can't make a spark in the rain real shame that, but never fret I have a proposition for you." Vonshi still wondering how the hell he sneaks up on him inquires more about his proposition.

“So what exactly do you have in mind? I won’t lie I'm running short of time and I'm not too picky at the moment." Yoite smiles and walks about with his hands on the back of his head .

" Well you see I'm a wind mage nothing spectacular but I'm the only one in my family, that being said I can help remedy your fire situation by forming a near invisible air bubble around your hand long enough for you to cast your flame." Intrigued Vonshi asks what Yoite plans to get out of the deal.

" Well you see Von I too want to go to Grixas but I've not the funds so I figure in exchange of this u can make me your guest and take me along the Aviair, as well as front me a room when we arrive at the school. Of course when we make it there ill get a job and work on paying my own housing fees." Releasing a long sigh Vonshi agrees to his terms and approaches the guards’ one again.



“O look here it's the lying punk, do you have funds now or are u here to waste more of our time?" Vonshi spits off at the foot of the guard." I’m here to show you I am who I say I am, and I don't need your shit right now so just pay attention. “Vonshi holds out his right hand while tossing a nod to Yoite to signal him. Yoite nods back having got the signal and cups his hands focusing on Vonshi. Soon after a feeling of a swirling current covered Vonshi’s hand and a flame formed into a dragon emerged. Both guards shot back and got on their knees asking forgiveness for their words.

“Yeah yeah whatever man look I need to get on board and this guy next to me is my guest he will be accompanying me understand?" both guards nod in agreement and hand them both passes, as they arrive on board they see mages from all around each looking well prepared for their new life in Grixas, shortly after entering the attendant gives him a map of the Aviair and walks off. “Well man it seems we've done it we're really going to Grixas exciting isn't it?” Vonshi nods slightly and attempts to figure the location of his cabin with the map provided, unable to make heads or tails of it he hands it to Yoite who instantly finds the way.

" Ah I see we are on the fifth floor with all the other royal cabins follow me." after a short while they both reach the cabin and settle inside tired Vonshi lays on his bed and falls asleep awaiting the next day.


A loud announcement over the ships intercom startled von sending him to the floor with a thud, “Hello and good morning to you all, I hope you all had a good night’s rest."

Von stands up and rubs his head.

" This is you captain speaking, here to give the morning briefings which consist of the following, weather, ship conditions , stop locations ,and most importantly the state of the lesser avian damalji which fly in this area to escape the rain this time of the year ." Now first off today's weather is very fair and sunny so feel free to spend some time on the wing and enjoy the view, secondly the ship is at optimal power the flux core is more than stable and there are no currently known developing issues so all of those with fears you may lay them to rest, third it will take three days to arrive to Grixas in that time two stops will be made, the first to a commercial town Loham and the second to Aeries to pick up more students, and finally the report we received from the Detreminum is that there is a herd of Vulcans settling atop the Plaos mountains ,and we are urged to be cautious."

Vonshi raises a brow at the final bit of news and turns toward Yoite who had already gotten ready for the day.

“Hey man what does she mean by the Detreminum?" Yoite gives off a sly smile and puts his hands behind his head.



“Did u ever once attend a class? Anyways the Detreminum are those who study and track the activities of Damalji which surely you know are the magical beasts that exist in our lovely world. That being said the Detreminum has been around for hundreds of years having been founded by the original great sages themselves." Shortly after Yoite had finished speaking another announcement began telling everyone to make their way to the dining hall for breakfast.

“This is grand come von lets go eat before all the food is gone I've never had food on a Aviair before this should be a treat." yoite speeds off taking the map with him leaving von clueless on where to go.



"Well shit looks like I'm on my own ,hopefully ill catch a group heading that direction.” Von grabs his hoodie and walks out the cabin to see a mass of students heading to the dining room.

“Well that was easy I’d better hurry and catch Yoite, and hopefully run into Aya again."

Von starts a light jog toward the group until he catches up with them. Navigating through the crowd Von bumps into a young girl causing her to drop her book.

" Oops sorry about that, let me help u there ." Von bends down to assist, but is stopped by a shadowy hand coming from the floor.



“That’s quite alright Mr. Seifer I'm perfectly capable of handling my own affairs, but I do appreciate your intentions. However next time it may benefit you to ascertain your surroundings before running around as u were, I find that very temerarious." Shortly after she had finished speaking she turned around and walked off holding her books close to her chest. Von rubs his head and carefully makes his way toward Yoite who he sees sitting down eating.



"Hey man thanks for speeding off I really appreciate the time u spent waiting on me, seriously thank you.” Von pushes Yoite over and sits next to him.

"By the way man I ran into someone on my way over here, a young woman she had long black pig tails that curled at the ends, Emerald green eyes ,a really cute face , a beauty mark on her lower left cheek, and she wore a long black dress that frilled at the bottom in a odd pattern , and some long nice boots with straps leading up." Yoite takes a moment to look about and notices a young woman that matches the description dining with the captain.



"ahh that must be the woman u ran into and she is quite the beauty, wait a moment that is the same mage who won the latest junior arcus tournament in Bevelda." Yoite cringes with excitement “grand just grand truly Grixas holds great times for the both of us."

Von eyes her intensely for moments until he hears a voice inside his head

“It’s not polite to stare Mr. Seifer, so please turn around and get something to eat." Vons eyes widen as the voice rings through his head.

"Yoite I may of imagined this but she spoke to me just now, in my head I could hear her speaking to me. It sounded the same way she did when I ran into her earlier, and on top of that now that I think of it I didn't tell her who I was."

Von gets up and starts off to the Avaiar’s view wing, and catches sight of Aya heading the same direction which encourages him to take a light jog. As he reached the exit to the wing he heard a faint sound and turned around swiftly, seeing nothing he turned back toward the exit to find Yoite staring him in the face making him jump briefly.

“Seriously man how the hell do u keep doing that shit!? Jeez I need to stick a freaking cow bell around your neck I swear. Yoite laughs holding his sides and falls to the ground.



"Many apologies Von but I could not contain myself, anyways I saw u heading out this way and decided to follow you to the wing." Von raises a brow after hearing Yoite’s explanation.



"I don’t recall telling you where I was headed so how could you of?" Vons sentence was cut short as Yoite triumphantly held a map up to his face.



"From the direction u headed there were very limited options, Lady's bath house, lady's cabins, Lady's meeting hall and the wing exit. So as you can see unless you're a total pervert u had to of been headed this way." Von lowers his head in disappointment upon hearing of his surroundings.


“Damn it that means that Aya was probably just heading back to her cabin not the wing, what a drag and there I was getting all excited."

Von releases a depressed sight and makes his way up the stairs

“Maybe this is life’s way of telling me I'm an idiot if not well I realize now" As von reaches the top he looks in awe at the clouds.

"Yoite this is amazing man come take a look. Yoite steps next to von and gazes outside with a big open smile.

“This is absolutely breath taking never in my wildest dreams did I think it possible for me to truly experience the sky." Yoite begins to shudder then he opens the door to the wing and step out onto it. Seeing this Von immediately rushes after him.

“What the hell are u thinking!? Do u even realize what you're doing right now, this is beyond stupid and trust me I’d know."

Appearing to have completely ignored Vons words Yoite continued to walk on the wing until he reached the widest part of it.

“Von u can't imagine what this is like for a wind mage this is almost as close as it gets to truly being one with the sky. Like a born instinct to stare up and want to be there to ascend and glide freely in this gift from heaven, but many have never gotten to feel this way and I'm just." Yoite begins to tear up as he smiles and wipes his face. Von cocks his head and folds his arms thinking to himself.

“Reminds me of when I was younger always wanting to stand next to the flame never having felt anything like it before ... the azure flame the heart of fire." Von carefully walks over to Yoite and places his hand on his shoulder. “We can stay as long as u want man."

Yoite smiles as he and Von sit on the wing. A loud announcement echoed through and outside the ship.

"ATTENTION this is a message from the central weather observation comity there has been a massive storm spotted just north east of the ships current destination. It is traveling at a rapid pace and is unavoidable please get to the designated storm shelter inside the ships lower decks as the upper and outer areas of the ship will be sealed off for protection you have forty seconds." As the announcement ended Von looked up to notice the incoming storm, the sky began to discolor as streaks of odd lighting closed in.

“Yoite we need to move man this looks really bad."

Yoite nods as he and Von spring to their feet an run toward the door, but as they neared it they suddenly fell backwards.

"What the hell? Is there a wall here!? Von stands and slowly holds out his hand to feel some invisible force.

“Well now looky here you must be Von of the Seifer family correct?"

Von and Yoite look through the window to see a male standing there with a sadistic smile.

“you two seem to be far out of luck a storms coming you know ~ I hear it's going to be a BIG one so u may want to get inside ya?" The strange man begins to laugh holding his head with his right arm. Von grits his teeth and clenches his fist.

“You should shut the hell up, with that callous ass voice of yours. Or would u rather I sear your mouth shut? Another burst of laughter followed showing he was not intimidated.

“You think you're tough shit huh? You can't even break a simple barrier nor recognize when you're in one, yet there u stand making threats ...." He once again bursts into mad laughter. “I’ll tell ya what if u survive this "storm" then I shall consider you.... still trash ta-ta now ~." Yoite makes a grim realization shortly after the strange man leaves.

"Von he kept us occupied until the ships lock down began we didn’t even attempt to break the barrier!" Von quickly turned to Yoite and pried for answers.

“So how do we break this barrier? Is there a seal or spell or what throw me a bone we're running out of time."

Yoite rears back and forms crescent shaped blades of wind above his hands, and began to throw them slicing away at the barrier. Von immediately catches on and begins to sling small fire balls at a rapid pace until their combined efforts shatter the barrier.

“yeah we got it now let’s-" Before he could finish speaking a massive shockwave emitted from the storms core, sending them both to their knees, long enough for the ships lock down to complete.

Yoite looked up into the sky and noticed a small flock of Vulcans moving in the storm." Von you need to stand up, we’re about to be assaulted!."

Von rolls to his feet and stumbles having not fully recovered from the loud boom. With a loud shriek one of the Vulcans dove toward von that was still disoriented, but was quickly intercepted by a blade of wind slicing its wing sending it flailing onto the wing.

“Get it together we have to hold out until the storm passes." Yoite readies another blade as more Vulcans began to gather. As the storm raged on Von began to regain stability, Yoite sent a pulse wind into a puddle close to von causing the water to splash into his face. After shaking off the water Von came to his sense and sized up the threat.
“I needed that thanks for the help. I haven’t felt like that sense I walked in on my aunt with my uncle, but I’ll tell u more about that later what’s the plan?”
“Von please don’t tell me about that let’s focus on the task ahead. As u can see they are coming at us from one direction so follow my lead. I’m going to make a funnel of wind, shoot a fire ball through it ok?"

Von nods as fire covers his hands." Yoite sends a spiraling draft of wind upward slowing the Vulcans, as von fires through the funnel his attack increases In mass and speed making it large enough to send all three Vulcans burning toward the ground below." Good work mate we have a few more coming look alive." Von raises his brow at Yoite.

“Don’t forget who you're talking to I may not be too technical but I'm packing heat, So turn around and get ready.

Von fires off another fire ball finishing the Vulcan that Yoite injured earlier." Now we're even right? I have say although this is a shitty situation it's pretty fun."

Von freezes up as he feels rain drops fall over his body.” This rain feels odd, like it’s gripping me.” Yoite glances over at von and notices he appears to be in a trance like state trembling slightly.

“Von you ok mate? C’mon man gets it together what’s wrong with you? “

Vons continues to stand motionless while more Vulcans prepare to assault, meanwhile Yoite tries to deduce Vons odd behavior by examining new occurrences.
“This rain feels as if its suppressing my energy. And given Vons history with rain it must be psyching him out. It has to be the rain." Yoite tries to form another wind blade but loses control causing it to dissipate." darn this rain I can’t muster enough force."

As the Vulcans launch toward them the same thunderous sound bellows along with lighting that disintegrated every Vulcan in the storm. Von snaps out of his trance as he looks up to see a large part of the cloud moving separately from the rest.

“Yoite look there that’s not a cloud it’s a ... DAMALJI!” von felt tremors of terror all throughout his body as the giant damalji were revealed. Mostly spoken up in stories as the Sky emperor said to have been the sole cause of destroyed villages and wide spread devastation dating hundreds of years back one of the great damalji Vajura.

Vajura looked as a giant bird mixed with a sea serpent, his long slender body covered in turquoise scales and his underbelly sparkled like crystals. Shining wings that stretched out and pierced the clouds nearby dropping feathers that fell and turned into destructive lighting, its black talons cleaved the air itself as they swayed releasing bursts of gale winds in various locations. It was a true vision of beauty, and terror. Time froze as von gazed into its eyes, wide destruction and everlasting storms spiraled through its pupils, but its beauty stood above it all.

Yoite stumbling to his feet cried out to von " c’mon von u have to move we have to find a way back into the ship!."

Von didn't move a muscle he just stared at Vajura motionless speechless. Vajura kept eye contact with von before letting out a shout so powerful it sent tremors through the air shaking the cloud and the Aviair causing von and Yoite to lose their footing and begin to slide off. The captain of the Aviair quickly struggled to regain control over the ship

“Everyone get in position! Activate the emergency control units, I’d better see everyone’s hand on a wheel right now!" the Aviair workers quickly imputed the emergency code causing wheels to appear from under their designated areas, as they all grabbed hold they swiftly began to level out the ship.
Von snapped to his senses as the ships turning caused Yoite and himself to slide off the ship. Flames covered his hand as he fell, in an attempt to catch a grip by tearing into the wing before falling off completely. Vons momentum began to break as he caught hold , but Yoite was still plunging downward .

“Hold on Yoite I’ll get ya!." Von pushed himself down to fall below Yoite and once again began to latch onto the wing catching hold right before Yoite passed him." Hold your arm out now!" As Yoite passed by holding out his hand von caught him." Twice now twice I’ve saved your ass u owe me big after today." Yoite sighs with relief and disdain.

“Von I’m very happy u saved me don’t get me wrong but we still have a issue, as u can see we are hanging in a horizontal fashion and with only one hand available i fear we will fall when your arm gives out." Von cringes at the realization and closes his eyes to think.

“Well shit what a fine mess this is and I really don’t have a solution, maybe i can just like man i don’t know.. Hmm i remember my mother saying.."

“Von, you idiot! What did i tell u about lighting those fireworks in the house!? Are u really that fascinated watching them fly around breaking my stuff? Idiot child! Yes fire can propel if concentrated or influenced by a secondary substance, now stop lighting that shit in my house!
Von snaps out of his flash back and shakes his head “wow my mom was a bitch but all her nagging gives me an idea!"

Yoite confused about Vons sudden burst of insult and inspiration, decides to pries for answers. Von ignores his questions.

“Just hold on tight and try to keep a smile I’m going try something crazy."

The flame inside Vons bracelet began to grow as he closed his eyes to concentrate. A steady stream of fire began to spew from his feet, he could feel himself getting lighter .
“Hold on man I’m going to give it all I’ve got. Von lets out a shout as he and Yoite fly upward into the sky leaving a blazing trail behind. They hovered long enough for the ship to return upright, before crashing safely onto the wing. Von looks up half dazed from the landing and sees Vajura flying off into the clouds taking the storm with him,

“That’s really something." Von looked around for Yoite and saw him lying safely on the wing.

“Ok good he's fine that’s a relief..." Von falls unconscious shortly after.

Part 2 Mage Bane

“C’mon don’t do that it's not fair.. I’ll tell on you i swear! Please just show me once more i promise I’ll pay attention.... you never were any fun. Yes I did it now i can be strong just like dad!

“Wake up von wake up.. You need to get up." Aya stood over Von poking him repeatedly in the nose until he finally opened his eyes." Finally u wake i was getting a bit worried." Von looked around sluggishly trying to figure out exactly where he was.

“Where am I? How did i get here..?" Aya steps back to give von some space and grab a drink for him.

"You're in the ships hospital wing; you were brought here by Yoite and another young woman. Apparently you exhausted yourself and collapsed, but that’s just what the nurse assumes." Aya hands von some water and waits for him to finish it so she can take his glass." Yoite will return shortly he went to grab you and himself a bite from the dining room." As Vons head cleared up he realized who was with him in the room and jumped a bit.

" O hey there Aya didn't realize it was you. My head was still you foggy and such, but I really appreciate you looking over me really thank you." Von rambled on blushing looking for a fast way to change the conversation." So um how everyone was during the damalji attack was everybody ok on the inside? Aya closed her eyes and smiled.

“Well when the ship got toppled a few people were injured due to loose objects and neglecting to restrain themselves, but other than that most remained unharmed." as she finished answering the question she sat down next to von " So tell me what was it like to stand before Vajura? Was it breath taking, horrific, life changing? I’ve always thought Vajura was a myth until today of course, you really are a fortunate person to have gotten to stand in its presence and marvel at its beauty." Aya looked off toward the ceiling in a trance like state, but von could not help but notice the familiarity in her gaze.

“That look in her eyes is the same one Yoite had looking at the sky, that look of longing." Straining to lift himself he fell backwards in pain moving the covers to see his abdominals covered in bandages. The door swung open as Yoite entered balancing four trays of food on his arms.

“Morning sunshine glad to see u partially up, Aya must be the one to thank for that. After all such a lovely woman could get any man up."

Von glared at Yoite unsure of what he meant, but to be safe shifted his body’s position. Yoite begins to place the trays across the long table in the room while setting silver ware next to each of them.

“Alright friend let’s get you up so u can eat." Yoite jumps over to von and puts his arm around his shoulder helping him walk to the table. “I’m really glad you're awake friend i was starting to worry after all u are now the person who saved my life." Yoite gives von a really grateful smile as he continues to serve him by getting drinks, napkins and adjusting his seat." If you need anything else I shall be standing by."

Von can't help but smile as he feels this is the first time he's been treated like nobility, but assures Yoite all his actions are unneeded.

“You don’t have to do this Yoite although i have to say it is nice, but really i can take care of myself." Von peered over at the empty seat where the fourth tray was set and became curious. “Are you expecting someone to join us? I've noticed you've set another space." Before an explanation could be given the door once again swung open with a familiar voice.

“Very good I see the young Seifer has returned to the waking world. I had almost begun to attempt more drastic measures."

Vons eyes widened as he saw the young woman he had ran into earlier, she stood there expressionless and spoke clearly.

" Mr. Seifer when I first met you my impression was that u were impatient, reckless, clueless , and quite frankly just did not measure up to your family name, on first impression only of course. However after your show of bravery on the wing of the Aviair I must commend you, but you are not yet worthy of my introduction."

Yoite, Von and Aya looked at each other unsure of what to say. Having felt no need for restraint von spoke up.

“Well who the hell starts off a conversation like that? Insult or compliment I can't tell, and if you personally think I give a damn you are the clueless one!" Vons outburst causes the room to go silent, but also manages to place an expression on the young woman’s face.

“Mr. Seifer that outburst just now makes me wonder if you even have a brain. To be so impulsive and spontaneous with no regard of who or what you’re dealing with. Surely you are completely ignorant of the world outside your sheltered life, but you are at the same time just so-" She turned back to walk outside the door." my name is Herisa Desonair of the noble family from Shados, a pleasure to meet you. “Herisa left and shut the door gently behind her.

After finishing his meal Von got up and dressed ready to head out, but before leaving he noticed the fire in his bracelet was burning a lighter shade of red. Unable to determine the cause on his own he decided to put it off until later. As von made his way out of the hospital wing toward the ships exit, he noticed they were grounded in a town. Curiosity took over and he walked toward the exit, where a stationed attendant approached him, and gave him a swift briefing of the situation before confirming his leave.

“Due to damage to the wing and technical issues we will be here longer than intended raising our arrival time to Grixas by at least two days"

Von pressed for a deeper explanation and then walked of speedily as he heard.

“Well we aren’t too sure about what took place during that storm but the wing was damaged by some type of flame and our system took heavy interference from the lighting resulting in increased ground time for proper repairs here in Loham. So feel free to enjoy your stay here, but take note at the set curfew for everyone here on the ship which is no later than one am."

Von took note of everything he had heard and set off around the town taking everything in. Tall building, kiosks, tempting women, and merchants were everywhere making up the town of Loham. Von walked about until he saw a place that resembled a cafe, hungry and thirsty he walked inside to see people staring him down as he stepped in.

“Man it feels like I’m being pierced, so much hate in their eyes guess I’ll have to watch my mouth for once."

Von cracked a smile and made his way through the crowd of demon eyed patrons carefully aiming his gazes as not to set anyone off. After a little time went by he noticed a empty booth a decent distance away from other people and he speedily walked towards it and set down waiting on a waitress. A young red eyed woman approached him with a menu and smiled.

“Hello sir don’t mind them they’re just very skeptical of new comers in this diner, so don’t take it personally. The fact that u came in here means you must be one of us.

Not understanding what she meant von decided to flow with it and try to get her to reveal it to him without directly stating he didn’t know.

“Yeah I guess we have to take measures to insure we aren’t compromised, after all anyone that can handle those glares and still walk in here would have to do what we do. While we’re on this topic tell me what got you into it?" The young woman lowers her head and starts to tell her story.
" Fifteen years ago when I was three years old a group of Occulum mages came through and killed my mother ,molested my eldest sister , and took my father captive for a sacrifice. My uncle was the guard captain of our little city he and his squad pursued them, but were too late my father had become a walking disease spewing fumes and dripping blood no longer a human being. After my uncle struck him down, my father erupted into a toxic mist causing my uncle and his men to become the same. Since then I’ve hated mages and just like everyone here we will see them all dead or in chains."

The crowd around began to flare up as she finished her story and others began to tell their own, each ending in a horrific event. As the stories continued to flow the atmosphere changed to rage as many of the other began to slam their fist to the table or cringe in angry tears. It was becoming too much, until a hooded man walked in and shot off a strange weapon.

“Is this any way for you all to act? Like a bunch of sorry sods all feeling sorry for your selves. We all know the pain of loss, but most importantly we know the cause and in silence should we voice our hatred less we become worse than them."

As he spoke the room fell silent, everyone began to apologize for their behavior and asked forgiveness. The mysterious male started to walk toward the end of the diner getting close enough for von to get a better look. He had Black bangs that covered the top part of his silver eyes, and a visible five o clock shadow by a guess you could say he was in his late twenties. Standing high above the waitress his height could be placed at five foot eleven inches; his black gloves covered his hands and had odd symbols on them almost like something u would find among mages. Head covered by a tattered cloak and legs covered by ripped brown pants that stuck out of his black boots, he looked like a solider of some type. After taking a seat he ordered a beer and lowered his head, but shortly after another group of men walked over to him gave a weird salute and sat with him also ordering beers.

Von waited until they were caught in conversation to attempt to slip away, but was stopped by the waitress.

"Excuse me sir but seem to of forgotten to pay your tab I’ll have to ask u to show your currency.

Von froze as he realized his wallet was still on the ship and figured for some odd reason that telling his family’s name would do more harm than good.

“Um can i speak with u in private for a moment outside if you don’t mind." von tried to give his best seductive smile, and to his surprise the young woman followed him. “ok my situation is this i really have forgotten my wallet somewhere else but i can get it and bring u the cash no problem, but I’ll need a few moments to get back here miss?"

The young woman smiled and twirled part of her hair in her finger shyly. “just call me Merissa, and what can i call you cutie?

" You can call me von, nice to meet you Merissa, now if u will excuse me I’ll go retrieve my wallet." as von turned to leave a firm hand held him in place causing him to whip around to see his detainer ,and to his surprise it was the man who shot off in the diner.

“No need to worry or leave young man. What better way to welcome a young cultist than buy treating him? Come on back inside order all u want it's on me." He burst into a light laughter and lead von back inside, von gave his best fake smile and played along.

Digiphant
August 13th, 2014, 05:03 PM
Ok. Unfortunately, there's quite a lot to revise in this. The story seems solid, but the structure is more than a little unsound.

The major problems:


You switch between present and past tense quite regularly to begin with. It even happens part way through a sentence: "Fully dressed Vonshi leaves his room heading past his mother, but as their eyes meet he freezes in place waiting for her impending words of disdain, but to his surprise she smiled walked over to him and hugged him her head only coming to his neck."
You change perspective. The first paragraph is first person and the next is third person. You need to pick which perspective you're going to tell the story from and stick to it, otherwise it makes it difficult for a reader to follow.
You rush the story. "Flagging the waitress back over after having decided what to eat... ...While chewing his food Vonshi turns to speak until he lays eyes on her..." He's only just decided what to eat and suddenly he's chewing his food.
If a word begins with a vowel, the indefinite article needs to be "an" not "a." For instance: "an Aviair."
Your use of commas is haphazard. Try reading the sentence to yourself and see where you would naturally pause - that's usually where they go.


Some minor things that stuck out:


Do we really need to know the names of the other cities right now? They're just jammed in to that first paragraph for apparently no reason. Bombarding your reader with names to remember rarely endears yourself.
Why does Aya introduce herself and then disappear? How does she get to the docks so much quicker than Von?
I make the diner 2.5 miles from the docks, but it takes half an hour to get there in an equis. Are they really slow, or is this one constantly stopping? How does Von know it's going to the docks?
40 seconds is quite an unrealistic amount of warning to get to a storm shelter.
One minute the rain is suppressing Von's powers, the next he's melting a handhold in to the wing. Has it stopped raining?
Why is Aya helping look after Von?


One last thing: this story strikes me as a very anime in style. That's fine, but one thing that really gets on my nerves with certain anime is that they dump a load of exposition on you in one go, rather than weaving it in to the rest of the story.
In the first paragraph alone, we learn that the weather is stormy; it's a weekend morning; the protagonist is gifted with magic powers; magic use is prevalent enough that it requires laws to control it; magic use is prevalent enough that there is a school dedicated to it; the protagonist is 16; the protagonist lives in a city called Belius; the city is named after a great sage; Belius is an industrial city; the protagonist is a noble; there are three other cities called Erasa, Dezerou and Zereum; the cities exist in a land called Xeora; other noble families exist; the protagonist doesn't care for history; and the protagonist wants the day to be over before it has properly begun. That's 15 pieces of information in 143 words - the density of information is quite high.

I could go through the text point by point if you want, but it will take me some time. Let me know.

Yoten
August 13th, 2014, 08:55 PM
Ok. Unfortunately, there's quite a lot to revise in this. The story seems solid, but the structure is more than a little unsound.

The major problems:


You switch between present and past tense quite regularly to begin with. It even happens part way through a sentence: "Fully dressed Vonshi leaves his room heading past his mother, but as their eyes meet he freezes in place waiting for her impending words of disdain, but to his surprise she smiled walked over to him and hugged him her head only coming to his neck."
You change perspective. The first paragraph is first person and the next is third person. You need to pick which perspective you're going to tell the story from and stick to it, otherwise it makes it difficult for a reader to follow.
You rush the story. "Flagging the waitress back over after having decided what to eat... ...While chewing his food Vonshi turns to speak until he lays eyes on her..." He's only just decided what to eat and suddenly he's chewing his food.
If a word begins with a vowel, the indefinite article needs to be "an" not "a." For instance: "an Aviair."
Your use of commas is haphazard. Try reading the sentence to yourself and see where you would naturally pause - that's usually where they go.


Some minor things that stuck out:


Do we really need to know the names of the other cities right now? They're just jammed in to that first paragraph for apparently no reason. Bombarding your reader with names to remember rarely endears yourself.
Why does Aya introduce herself and then disappear? How does she get to the docks so much quicker than Von?
I make the diner 2.5 miles from the docks, but it takes half an hour to get there in an equis. Are they really slow, or is this one constantly stopping? How does Von know it's going to the docks?
40 seconds is quite an unrealistic amount of warning to get to a storm shelter.
One minute the rain is suppressing Von's powers, the next he's melting a handhold in to the wing. Has it stopped raining?
Why is Aya helping look after Von?


One last thing: this story strikes me as a very anime in style. That's fine, but one thing that really gets on my nerves with certain anime is that they dump a load of exposition on you in one go, rather than weaving it in to the rest of the story.
In the first paragraph alone, we learn that the weather is stormy; it's a weekend morning; the protagonist is gifted with magic powers; magic use is prevalent enough that it requires laws to control it; magic use is prevalent enough that there is a school dedicated to it; the protagonist is 16; the protagonist lives in a city called Belius; the city is named after a great sage; Belius is an industrial city; the protagonist is a noble; there are three other cities called Erasa, Dezerou and Zereum; the cities exist in a land called Xeora; other noble families exist; the protagonist doesn't care for history; and the protagonist wants the day to be over before it has properly begun. That's 15 pieces of information in 143 words - the density of information is quite high.

I could go through the text point by point if you want, but it will take me some time. Let me know.
Yes please do im enjoying it, this is what i need to see

Yoten
August 13th, 2014, 09:38 PM
I plan to revise most of it, just wanted to get a idea of what needed to be changed. So im glad u commented when u did other wise I'd of most likely of been lost. If its not too much to ask can i aslo trouble u for some grammar tips ,I could really use them.

Yoten
August 14th, 2014, 01:57 PM
Alrighty ill Post a revised version of the introduction and journey to the Aviair

Digiphant
August 14th, 2014, 03:17 PM
Ok, I know you're re-writing the introduction, but I already wrote this so I'm going to post it.


Freezing rain, gale force winds and a nag...
A horse?


...Gifted people like me are required by law of this so-called glorious city,...
"By the law of this glorious city", or "by law" without the city part.


In Belius, a city named after one of the original great sages, and which also happened to be one of the largest industrial cities.
This is only a part of a sentence, you haven't said what is in Belius. Do you mean "I live in Belius"?


I was born here into one of the noble families, and from what I've been taught there are four in total, the other three being Erasa, Dezerou, and Zereum.
This sounds like you're saying there are four noble families. Finish talking about the cities first, then move on to the family part. Also, if the cities aren't going to be involved in this story, you don't have to name them here; just mention that Belius is one of four major cities that rule the country.


Along with Belius they are the major cities that together reign over the land of Xeora, and have their own noble families indigenous to themselves.
"Indigenous" seems out of place here. I'd just leave it as "their own noble families."


Personally I don’t give a damn about history, I just wanted this day to end.
Hmmm. The previous sentences don't so mush deal with history as they do sociology and geography. Also, if the protagonist doesn't care, why should we?


Staring up at his ceiling, half awake, young Vonshi Seifer, now sixteen years old,...
You already told us he's 16,


...contemplates what to do with the last of his free time during a seemingly unending storm.
You already told us it's stormy.


Born into a family of strict fire users, who looked down on other forms of magic, outside their own, greatly limited his options during the rain seasons, which in the vicinity of Belius was quite a lot.
The rain seasons was quite a lot? Do you mean it rains a lot around Belius? Just say that.


...I know you don’t understand the importance of first impressions, nor do you understand how fortunate you are to have been born into the Seifer family."
This is a little unwieldy. I'd probably cut it down a bit to something like "You should appreciate your opportunities more!"


His mother carried on for a time until she realized he had dozed off once again.".... Ah forget it. You are just a ungrateful disgrace. You can't even maintain a flame in the rain. It’s obvious that the only fool here is me for having wasted my words on you."
His mum is kind of a psycho. If she's shouting at him and he dozes off, I'd expect her to drag him from bed or something.


His mother left the room slamming the door which caused Vonshi to spring up looking around.
So he slept through the tirade his mother gave him, but is startled by a door slam? He seemed very laid back until now and then he startles easily. It's a bit incongruous.


Vonshi yawns and stretches out his arms as he swirls around...
Sounds like he's pretending to be a helicopter.


...placing his feet on the floor. After fully waking up, Vonshi moves his silver hair away from his face, walks over to his dresser and pulls out some casual clothes:
Wait he's not out of bed yet? I assumed by "spring up" you meant "leapt out of bed."2


a black shirt with red trims and bearing the image of a truculent dragon on the back which happened to be was his family crest;
While truculent does mean quick tempered or aggressive, I would use it to describe someone's mood, not an unmoving image. I think "rearing" or "fire-breathing" or "snarling" would fit better. Also, having a family crest printed on a shirt is clearly a deliberate act and therefore it didn't just "happen to be."


some slim fitting white pants with a chain linked from his front left belt hoop to the third; black flat soled shoes with red flames along the sides of them along with the name of the designer Viyu; and a white hoodie also bearing his family's crest on the back along with kanji representing his own way of life that read " Burning spirit".
The clothing description is a bit too detailed. A list of any kind is going to take the reader out of the story and bore them somewhat.


“Mother, all my life it's always been that I wasn't good enough, but hearing you for the first time actually showing that you care... I just have to know why it is you have chosen now of all times?"
It's a fair point. She was a major bitch to him just a moment ago. Is she mentally unwell?


Vonshi's mother... ...cleaned up after you, cooked your food and picked up your clothes since you were a baby! What chance would you stand on your own?
You start 6 of the next 7 sentences with "Vonshi." Couldn't you just give his mother a name?


...don't give me that shit ok? "
Woah. Psycho mum is back. Does this really seem like something the character would say? Does she usually swear at her son?


...gives a sly smile...
Why is he smiling slyly? He didn't get away with the milk money thing.


“Wait son here you will need this until you have become more experienced at magic.” She hands him an Imperium bracelet that belonged to his father.
Nice as pie again and giving him a gift. She's weird.


Vonshi stared at it as if he were hypnotized, wondering what exactly the flame symbolized, but instead of prying for answers he hugged his mother one last time and set off into the rain. He headed to the Air docks to catch an Aviair to Vezera a lesser city near Ersa, which was home to Grixas, the great school of magic users Grixas.
Does it matter where the school is based? Why can't it be in one of the already established cities?


As he walked in the rain, with his hands in his pockets he, couldn't help but wonder to himself “For me to be from such a wealthy, well known family I sure do live like a commoner walking in the rain. Sheesh."
It's a bit odd to say that he wondered to himself and then put in a specific thought. Either "he thought to himself" or "wonder to himself why, being from such a prominent family, he was walking in the rain like a commoner."


Tyrannical thunder...
Tyrannical is used to describe an unjust ruler. How is the thunder being tyrannical?


...got into their Equis a hovering vehicle used by most people in each city.
This reads awkwardly and you don't really give a proper description of the vehicles. Are they flying cars? Why can't you just call them flying cars?


Taking a few short cuts he managed to knock off half a mile, but the storm became impassable, forcing him to take refuge in a nearby diner.
Wait so is the dock 3 miles away as the crow flies, or is it just the route he was taking that was 3 miles?


Flagging the waitress back over after having decided what to eat, a sharp-eyed young woman approached him.
This makes it seem like the sharp-eyed young woman flags the waitress over, not Von.


Two sheathed swords were crossed on her waist, she spoke clearly with a voice which while stern and clear was also arousing
Ok, please don't do this. When have you ever read a character trait described as "arousing." "A voice like treacle", "a voice that made his heart pound" anything is better than just "arousing." Also, it's a bit disturbing thinking of the main character getting all horny just because a girl talking to him. I know he's 16 and it's therefore realistic, but it just feels icky.


“That crest on your back. I assume you're the youngest of the Seifer family. Correct?"
Why would she assume he was the youngest? Is he the youngest? This is the first we've hear of him having any family other than his parents.


She had purple hair with two long bangs aside her face and a long pony tail in the back, a very curvaceous body and skins as pure as the sun was hot. A black choker was wrapped around her neck and she had a white shirt with sleeves that grew larger, covering her hands when her arms were down at her sides. Her waist was covered by a red sash with knotted fabric hanging off to the side and her black Capri's hovered low enough to show her navel, but the swords on her waist stood out most of all.
This is straight up objectifying the protagonist's only female contemporary. It comes over a quite creepy, like you can imagine the protagonist drooling over this poor girl as he ogles her navel. It's ok for her to be attractive, but that shouldn't be her only trait and you shouldn't focus on it so much.

Well I'm exhausted. I'll wait to see what else you post before going through any more.

Yoten
August 14th, 2014, 04:12 PM
IV;e revised the start of it so far ,and added something just for the lols. However it will have story relevance so here it is


Freezing rain, gale force winds and a nag awaited me this morning, what a lovely way to start the last free weekend of my young life. Normally I’m more optimistic, but the day could prove more stressful than others. Today was my sixteenth birthday, and with it new obligations and responsibilities.

Staring up at his ceiling half awake, young Vonshi contemplates what to do with the last of his free time. For what seemed like hours he just fixed his gaze at the ceiling no intent to do anything else, until his mother burst into his room with a stern face. An average sized woman with long black hair and soft yellow eyes like a cat, she wore a long black dress and a white apron. Friendly upon first glance until she spoke

“Von do u plan to lie there like useless trash all morning away? You do realize you've work to do, school is only two days away and the entrance exam is very demanding. I know you don’t understand the importance of first impressions, But can u at least pretend to care?" His mother carried on for a time until she realized he had dozed off once again."..... Ah forget it you are just an ungrateful disgrace. It’s obvious to me the only fool here is me for having wasted my words on you." His mother left the room slamming the door, Vonshi remained still until he was sure his mother had left.

“Jeez what the hell was that about? Guess we're going around slamming doors this morning." Vonshi yawns and stretches out his arms as he swirls around placing his feet on the marble floor. Fully awake, Vonshi moves his silver hair away from his face and walks over to his dresser to pull out some casual clothes. A black shirt with red trims bearing the image of a swirling dragon on the back, Some slim fitting white pants with a chain linked from his front left belt hoop to the third, black flat soled shoes with red flames along the sides of them along with the name of the designer Viyu, and a white hoodie also bearing the image of his shirt along with kanji representing his attitude. It read “Burning spirit".

Fully dressed, Vonshi leaves his room and heads toward the bathroom to wash his face. He walks along his house’s Silent halls, but stops and gazes out a nearby window noticing the clouds merging together.

“That looks very menacing. As if I weren't already slightly worried about the events ahead, and now the clouds stare back at me with malice.”
Von shook his head, and continued down the halls until he reached the bathroom. To his surprise the door was closed, but nothing around signaled anyone else’s presence.

“Hmm it’s still loose, so I know it isn’t locked.”

Unconvinced he further checks the door, and notices light piercing the bottom, he bends down to see if the shadow of anyone was present, but saw no sign of movement.

“I guess someone must have left the lights on, I suppose Kim of cleaned earlier today and forgot to turn it off. Well I’ve wasted enough time here I need to go inside”

Von turned the door knob and pushed the door open, as the light from the bath room painted the hallway von stood in awe mouth agate. Instances turned into life times as he gazed at Kim’s naked body, memorizing every detail from her seemingly smooth peach colored skin to her silky black hair that hung over her breasts, in his eyes this was heaven. Sadly lifetimes returned to instances as she gazed back at Von.

“Von why are watching me naked!? Shoo shoo i have to dress u perv!

Kim quickly grabbed a towel from a nearby rack causing the rack to fall from its holds,and land behind her. As Kim turned to retrieve it she noticed only after bending over, she had further exposed herself, and quickly turned around to see Von standing with a perverted smile.

“Von why in the hell are you still watching me?! Do you understand how wrong this is? "

Kim Covered her entire body swiftly, Von coming back to his sense adverted his gaze, feeling ashamed of his action he began to beg her forgiveness.

"Kim im very sorry for all of this,please forgive me i didn't think anyone was in there.I had checked for movement, as well as twist the knob. What were u doing that u didn't hear anything!

Kim held up a pair of ear phones to Vonshi's face.

"I was listening to music during my bath, and expected everyone in the house to have the common decency to KNOCK on a door before entering. Just imagine if your mother had seen this she would of-"

As if on cue a fiery shadow appeared at the end of the hall, bringing feelings bad enough to shake the devil. It spoke quietly, words kids would need parental permission to see or even think about, Von carefully tried to maneuver around but stopped back against the window. Stillness blanketed the room, and with a flash of light a small explosion occurred, then darkness. Von awoke in a daze outside in the bushes looking up half conscious at the broken window on second floor of his home, the very same window he backed into as his mother neared him.

“…..Damn”

Digiphant
August 14th, 2014, 05:26 PM
..better in most places. A bit too salacious for my tastes in others.

You're still switching tenses: Fully dressed, Vonshi leaves his room and heads toward the bathroom to wash his face. He walked along his house’s Silent halls, but stopped and gazed out a nearby window noticing the clouds swirling together.

You over-use the word "swirling."

"...silky black hair that covered her breasts" This made me laugh a little. In my head you're saying she has hairy breasts. Maybe "silky black hair that hung down over her breasts" would be better.

Yoten
August 14th, 2014, 06:49 PM
..better in most places. A bit too salacious for my tastes in others.

You're still switching tenses: Fully dressed, Vonshi leaves his room and heads toward the bathroom to wash his face. He walked along his house’s Silent halls, but stopped and gazed out a nearby window noticing the clouds swirling together.

You over-use the word "swirling."

"...silky black hair that covered her breasts" This made me laugh a little. In my head you're saying she has hairy breasts. Maybe "silky black hair that hung down over her breasts" would be better.
ooo i didnt notice that it should of been he walks
and yeah the boob thing sounds funny now xD amd yeah old a sec lemme get those issued areas alright i changed the Following: Changed words to proper tenses, changed swirling into mergeing/ and changed silky black hair over her breasts to hung