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Sc0pe
August 8th, 2014, 02:32 AM
So this is a story I am currently working on. This is some way into the story like if i imagined them as books then this would have to he the start of the third one I have just been writing it down now as to get the ideas out of head since I know how it will end.

Since I was first planning to animate this I started as a acript so this is my first real shot at wrighting in this format since so anything you can point out would be great. But yeah I will shut up now.


Chapter 1: Rise of Summer


An unnatural storm has spread across the eastern borders. On the coasts of Ruben waves crash the coastline and cliff walls that stretch along the beach. The waters already submerging the sands at the coast stepping its natural boundaries. The sky blocked by the blacked clouds that almost seemed to have crept out form nowhere as if summoned by a mad man. Only the flashes of roaring thunder and lightning pierce though it’s darkened sheets. With nothing but a sea of rain falling from the sky as far as the eye can see the Kempest’s that made home on the cliff face fled the horrid change in weather flying as far West as there four wings could carry them. They are an exotic creature covered in feathers of green and yellow at the tips of their tail.
Being a little bigger than an adult horse they are one of the bigger animals that are able to fly. They can eat just about anything but tend to stick to a diet of Berries and fish making them very adept at swimming. They only target bigger game on the winter months as to fatten up for their migration to warmer locals.

The fact that they were fleeing from the freak storm only further expressed how unholy it was. Some of them struggling to fly straight because of the violent gusts of wind slamming into their path of flight.

Under the crashing waves three miles out into sea from Ruben village and a thousand feet underwater laid Leo’s base. Within its lab are men in white coats scurrying around as they were set to complete there task’s. Leo watching from the catwalk fifty feet above them looked down as his subjects scurried around like ants. Looking up ahead of him and sees a large glass tube filled with an almost glowing baby blue liquid.
Within it a young girl who looks to be around the age of 16 with long flowing purple hair was floating inside it. Her eyes close almost sleep like. She was covered with nothing but a one piece of thin apron like sheet that had a hole in the centre for head space and pegs to keep both sides of cloth together on both her front and back of her body. A thick cord was poked into the very core of her nervous system. This cord followed up along a wall and ended just outside the base here its end was left naked on the glass roof much like an aerial. Her face was peaceful as she floated in the tube. She looked like the spitting image of Natalie and yet was not her but an imposter created to be her.

The men in white coats seemed to be hard at work on preparing her for her awakening this sleeping imposter by tampering with huge devices and buttons. Leo stood there watching silently with his hands behind his back and legs apart the same width as his shoulders. Hit pure white long jacket giving his presence a sense of ominous to the people below him. “Ready the spark transmitter; there is little time as is.” Leo said in a calm but demanding voice. “They are in the final phase and ready to receive spark!” “ETA is fifty nine seconds and counting!” A man in a white lab coat shouted back as he studies a monitor in front of him. “And what of the path?” “It’s already been uploaded to her!” Leo hearing this gave off a slight grin of accomplishment to himself before straightening up his face once more. “Then, be ready to transmit the moment the spark arrives!” Leo ordered this time in a much more vicious tone as if warning them not to screw this up. As Leo gave this order a man comes walking though the double doors. He was a well-built with a one piece black motorbike like leather clothing and a black helmet under his arm. He was a man who looked to be in his late thirties. Had a straight short blond like hair that he seemed to have jelled upwards into little spike like ramps. He stands beside Leo to his right and looks onwards towards the Natalie imposter almost if sizing her up. Shifting his weight onto his left side and looks over to her again in that pose. He is Leo’s pilot named Eclipse and being Leo’s pilot for his nova he felt there would be a problem trusting the Natalie imposter. “So; it has really has come to this?”

He said in his deep but witty voice. Leo glances over to Eclipse and then back to the Natalie imposter suspended in the air “Twenty seconds remaining!” A man in a lab coat shouts from below as to make sure everyone is notified. “B67 or not, this has always been what it’s come down to.” Leo replied while readjusting his stance by straitening his body and back. Eclipse looked over to Leo and then nodded repeatedly as he began to bow his head as if satisfied with his answer. He pauses there for a second with his head bowed and looking away from Leo to his left before shooting back up to look at him once again. “Are you certain she won’t turn against us?” he said in a doubtful tone. “I mean giving the person we are trying to copy-” “Eclipse, There are two things that define a person. Do you know what they are?”

Eclipse uncertain what he meant could only stand there silent with a kind of dumbfound look on his face. “Ten seconds!” A man in a lab coat echoes from below them followed by a count down from ten meanwhile Leo continues to speak to Eclipse. “Nature and nurture.” Eclipse who now starting to grasp what Leo meant moved closer as to better engage him-self with what he was saying. “And where dose she fall into?” Eclipse asked, his eyes locked on to Leo who was looking ahead to the Natalie imposter. Leo smiles proudly once again to himself this time unable to hold back his content happiness.

“Neither. Because she is not born according to nature and yet here she is. To nurture is to protect something, to take care of it, help it learn things so that one day it can do them on it’s own. But you see, she was made with all the things she needs to begin with. ” Leo with his smile looks over to Eclipse; the countdown was on to its last four seconds. “So I don’t have to worry about things like “trust”, because I left nothing to the natural order. Even this storm is something I created.” A thunder clap echoes in the underwater base as it struck directly above them lighting up the sea for a brief second. That same moment Leo’s face was also lit by the lightening showing the madness that was brewing within him.



“I created her. And so I choose how I wish for her to act.” The man who was counting down had just reached zero and the moment he did a tremendous thunder bolt pierces though the sky and crashes into the sea surface splitting the ocean asunder and the thunder clouds away from each other dissipating almost as if it was never there to being with. The thunder bolt carried on to the base hitting the naked thick tangle of cored on the outside of the base itself. This cored was connected to the cable that leads all the way into the base and inside the tube that the Natalie imposter was within. The cord was connected to the core of her body and as the current entered her body she suddenly woke up exploding in the newly found energy shattering the tube with the power of the thunder entering her. Dark wings came out of her back as she began to descend down, glowing and sparking with purple electricity.

The men below covered themselves from the falling glass from the tube as it fell, fleeing away from scene and only turning around once they were sure the glass shower had stopped. The men in lab coats turn around to see the Natalie imposter land her feet on top of a large machine. Leo looked down pleased with the outcome. The sea began to close up once more crashing into another from both sides above them through the glass ceiling.

Eclipse was silent watching her carefully. “We did it… It really worked this time…” A man in a lab coat said in a daze as he was walking towards the Natalie imposter in a high. “We from scratch created life. She’s alive.” As he got closer to the imposter his eyes where filled with joy. All his life work had bead fruit right in front of him. Her eyes met his as she looked down from where she stood. Her eye where cold and held a sinister aura to them, all the sings of a wild beast would give before it teared your head off if you took one more step. But the man did not see that for his eyes where filtered with what he perceived how his creation would have looked at him. Her face glowing, eyes sparkling and wings of pure white like those of a Snow Petrel.

His eyes were streaming with tears of joy as he looked at her. “After all these years we have created li-” Suddenly the man found that he lost his voice. A burning pain started to form around the left side of his chest and he could not move. The pain quickly began to sharpen to the extent that this perception of what he was seeing began to fade back to the reality of things. The Natalie imposter, his creation was standing right in front of him with her stance low to the ground, her face turned around to her left and her right hand deep inside his chest. Her purple hair covering her face from him. In shock the man stood there uncertain if this was really happening or was just an allusion.
It was not until he heard the screams of his peers that it truly sank in. Blood began to seep out dying his white coat and shirt blood red as he twitched, coughed and struggled to move but was unable to do so. Blood began to drip out of his mouth. The imposter with her hand on his heart glanced over to his face with a stair of ice. She began to send a huge charge of electricity though her right hand directly into his chest shocking his heart. The man unable to find his voice could only shake and twitch in pain with his mouth wide open coughing out blood as his heart was being obliterated from the inside out by the current entering it. By the time she stopped the man was lifeless only standing up because of the imposters hands still in his chest. His mouth was foaming, his body was limp and steaming.

The imposter simply pulled her hand out of his chest letting him hit the ground. Her hands covered in the victim’s blood and her eyes lusting for another she locks on to her next target.
The other scientist’s seeing that they were likely next began to run for the nearest exit. As the imposter began taking names Eclipse alarmed at what he was seeing looked over to Leo for his reaction. Leo just looked down towards the imposter a little confused but not all too shocked. Not satisfied with his reaction Eclipse began to take control of the situation. “You three are with me!” suddenly from the door behind him three men dressed in a one piece leather like jacket armed with short swords come springing onto the catwalk and past Eclipse one of them throwing him a straight sword that he was carrying in his left hand and proceed to leap over the safety bars of the catwalks to land on the floor the Natalie imposter was on followed by the other two. Eclipse followed suit after catching the sword given to him landed at the bottom and began to charge straight towards the imposter while Leo just watched silently on the catwalk.

They were his personal body guards who took orders under his Nova pilot Eclipse. Being trained in using there knights powers they were a cut above the standard run and gun guards. The four of them intercepted the imposter just as she killed her third victim by sending them flying off towards the exit door by throwing a condensed ball of electricity smashing the exit on impact along with there body. The imposter seeing them coming cooked up a thunder shock wave that she unleashed by stamping her right feet on the ground however the four of them all leaped into the air avoiding the dissipating shock wave that expanded all around them from below. The one closest to her responded with a kick to her face that she took head on falling into a back flip to readjust herself. She saw the attack coming but was unable to respond in time. It was as if her body was not yet use to moving that well just yet. As the one who kicked her landed back on the ground the next two closest came in from both her left and right sides with a side slash to her torso with a side swiping slash.

This time she was able to avoid an attack to her left but was slashed though from her right. Spinning around from avoiding one attack she launched a side thrust kick to the one that did it hitting him on the side of his mid-section. Rolling over to recover from the kick he came back around in the meantime Eclipse and the one that kicked her where coming in towards her front. The four of them began stabbing, slashing and cutting at the imposter sometimes landing a hit other times missing but all attacks that did get in were cutting her skin and making her bleed. The wounds however where recovering fast. The slash though the torso was already hardly visible. As her reaction time was getting better she was taking less and less hits. Seconds ticked on and it reached a point where she was going on the offensive against the three men with swords coming at her. Blocking with her dark wings, avoiding any other slashes and stabs she could and landing hits with lightning kicks and punches, a combo of chain punches and well-timed counter attacks knocking all three of them out before the fist one could hit the ground. Thud-thud-thud. The imposter stops moving the moment the last man fell.


Leaving only Eclipse standing she picked up one of their blades with her bloody right hand and looks at him. The other three men where not dead but that was only thanks to their skill with knights armor that they only got taken down with their lives.

It was also partly because the imposter was still getting user to her body. The imposter glares down the now slightly nervous Eclipse. He was the strongest guard out of Leo’s personal guards but he was only at true his best when he was piloting his nova. To stand up to someone who has the body of someone who’s taken down a nova alone was proving to be a true test of his skills. But the one thing that was bothering him the most was the fact that she has not yet began to use the fighting skills that they inputted into her. Instead she was using moves that Natalie herself would use on top of the newly learned skills from Saru’s Wushu. This proved to him two things. Her memory link to Natalie’s was a success. And because of that, what Leo said to him may no longer stand.
As he stood there brain storming what her next move would be a sweat drop made it across his cheek to his chin where it hanged there bothering his chin to the extent where he almost want to wipe it. He maintains his stance, his legs bent, arms beside his face, sword pointing towards his target. He knew a good bit about Natalie, or rather B67. He knows that she is traveling and learning new skills from other people. He knows what she is learning.

He is aware of her halo mode that she used to get the jump on Maximilus and studied the footage ever since he was informed. As the protectors of the stars it is there job to know and protect the stars from danger and in this case knowing there enemy inside out. Because of this he knew that she does not use any weapons and so does not have any skill with a sword other than the ones that was given to her before she awoken. It was the same style he was taught but he being more experienced in using it in real combat gave him the edge when it came to a fight with swords.

It was a small edge, but still it was one he was willing to bet the fight on none the less. If she tried using that style he would know how to counter it since he knows it inside out. If she tried to string things up in her head as she went along then she would be taking a big risk. Either way he was certain that he would have some kind to advantage so long as she tried to use the sword. However the Natalie imposter changed her stance to one he was unaware of. Her feet where placed one in front of another almost as if she was balancing on a beam with her front in a slight tiptoe. Her form was up straight and facing Eclipse head on, arms above her head holding the sword in both hands and her wings where stretched upward also making her seem bigger in overall size.

It was not a form that Eclipse was aware of and yet he did not see any sing of a bluff in her eyes. There was a strong sense of intimidation coming off her as she stood there her eyes locked on to his. He knew that whatever move he took would have to be taken with the greatest care. His feet slide forward slowly as he begins to close the gap between them. The imposter not moving an inch but could suddenly do so at any given moment.
Eclipse takes another slow step changing his stance a little as he did so. Seeing this, the imposter also took a step forward. Now with only six feet between them they both stopped. Any one of them that made a move now would very likely be one to strike the other. The imposter did not seem all that considered but still took her time none the less, her eyes sharp and focused. Knowing that she can heal fast Eclipse could understand why there was no real sense of concern in her eyes unlike him.

Just as a clash with swords seemed imminent Leo comes landing down right between Eclipse and the Natalie imposter. He lands with his wings out as to flap and soften his landing. Eclipse seeing that he was standing too close to the imposter began to runs towards him but was stopped by a hand gesture of Leo’s. “Sir?...” With Eclipse now under his control Leo then looks at the imposter. She was still standing there with the sword in hand in her stance, her eyes still fixated and focused. She was well within range to land a blow on Leo at any given second but she stood there watching him. “That stance... So I take it you’ve gained more memories from her than I had hoped?” “You should know better.” The imposter snapped back. “I do but. I just wanted to confirm your reasoning for all this.” Leo said as he looked around to his dead scientist’s and damaged lab. As he waited for a response he did not get Eclipse spoke up.

“I think we are a little past that.” Eclipse said to Leo but directing his tone to the imposter in a threatening manner. He readjusted his stance but again was stopped by Leo but this time with a glance back giving him as a silent warning. “Why I killed them huh?” the imposter mumbled to herself. Leo and Eclipse hearing this both looked towards her as she looked at her bloody right hand that she used to stab into the chest of one man. The blood was drying up and becoming a thick layer over her hand that cracked and flaked as she moved them.

She kept moving her fingers into a closed fist and extended fingers as to feel the sensation of the flaking, cracking, dried blood on her skin. “The moment I saw them I just had an urge to kill them for what they did to me. And so I did.” Leo’s facial expression changed ever so slightly to one of someone who just figured out the answer to something. “Do you know who they were?” Leo asked. “I know what they did.” “You mean you have information on them or are these memories from B67?” “Both.” The imposter said instantly almost as if having that answer ready in wait the whole time. “Then if I were to bring them back here-” “I will do it again! You better keep them as far away from me as possible!” the imposter snapped before Leo could finish his sentence.


“Very well.” Leo said silently seeming happy with her answer. “Then you know who I am?” “Yes.” The imposter said more calmly than before. “You know why I created you?” “Yes…” “You know how I created you?” Leo’s questions went unanswered for a moment as the imposter bowed her head to touch her chest. “Yes.” She said firmly. Leo seeing the weakness in her smiled a little as he opened his mouth to ask the next question. “Do you want to kill me?” The imposter’s head shot up looked Leo in the face. Her eyes filled with uncertainty to the question that was posted to her. She could not find it within herself to answer his question but this was just how Leo wanted it. Leo seeing the reaction he wanted went on to question her. “So you know what will happen if I die?” The imposter looked away to her left gripping her bloody hand tightly almost as if trying to hold back the words she was about to say. “Yes…” She replies at last only this time a lot softer and silently.

“And lastly: You know what you must do, don’t you?” The Natalie imposter stood there with her face turned form Leo for a little while as she closed her eyes as if thinking it though and coming to a conclusion. Her eyes open almost as if on fire. Turning around with a newly found drive the imposter looks back at Leo. “Yes!” Her determined voice echoes in the lab. “Good. So are you going to assist me?...”Eclipse who was still trying to catch up to what was going on was watching silently behind Leo. Leo looking a little smug as if he already knows the answer. “On one condition.” “Oh?...” Leo said, a little taken aback by her sudden request but opened up his ears to hear her out none the less.

“Leave Andrew to me… I think I can convince him.” The imposter said with her eyes locked on to Leo’s showing that she was not at all joking. “That man who’s been with B67?” Eclipse added into the convocation. “I know he has plans for him. So why not let me try and convince him!” The imposter pleaded. “And what if he refuses?” Leo asked as he scanned her face, waiting for her answer. “Then I’ll take care of him.” Her face did no flinch one bit as she uttered those words. Leo satisfied with her answer nodes his head. “Very well. Now then. Will you obey me?” The imposter eyes glanced over to her left trying to avoid Leo’s gaze. “…Yes.” She answers reluctantly. Leo shook his head as if disappointed by her reply. “No. Now, how do you say it?”

The Natalie imposter looked almost as if she was about to say something but then stopped. Looking humiliated she dropped her shoulders, lowered her head and slowly fell to one knee, her head bowed ever so slightly with her eyes closed and a face humiliated. “Yes… sir.” She calmly mumbled. “Good. I’m glad we could come to an understanding. From here on you will be known as summer. If you need anything talk to Eclipse.” Eclipse face dropped in shock when Leo said this. “You mean you want me to be her assent?!” Eclipse snaps in a shocked tone. “You two will be working a lot together from now on so do try and get along.” Leo said as he turned around to make his way out of the lab. “Whatever plan she comes up with let me know about it. That is all.” Leo was leaving whilst the imposter stayed bowed on one knee.

“I don’t understand. What did you do to make her obey you like this?” Eclipse asked Leo as he was leaving for the stairs. “Hmm. It’s nothing complicated. She just appreciates the things her creator dose for her.” Eclipse still not fully up to date just stood there waiting for more context. Leo noticed this but looked away towards the stairs near him. He had plan to inform his peers of the good news as soon as it broke and he was not interested in yet explaining the small details until then. “Just try and keep her happy.” With those words Leo leaves for the stairs that led back on to the cat walk and out of the lab. The imposter was still on her knee as if too ashamed to stand back up on her feet just yet. Eclipse seeing this could only give a big sigh to all that has taken place.

He moves over to Summer whiles putting his sword away. Still trying to make sense out the words that Leo last spoke he looked over to Summer. “You don’t need to stay like that anymore you know…” Eclipse tells Summer. Getting no response he tries to grab her attention. “Hey…” Summer without saying a word stands up and looks down to the ground clearly pissted. Her mind running off with her she blanketed Eclipse. Eclipse seeing this rolled his eyes since he was no happier to be around her either. None the less he tried to strike up convocation. “So you’re Summer huh? Well you certainly made my peers see the light of day.” Eclipse said whilst looking back to his three knocked out comrades. “Don’t you dear call me by that name.” Summer said in a quiet but decussated tone. Eclipse looks over to see she had regained her killing intent. His first thought was to react but then the words Leo spoke echoed in his head. Because of this he once again took a big sigh as to calm himself down. “Ok… Then what do you want me to call you?”

Summer’s piercing eyes softens up a little as she was clearly thinking of a name for herself. Coming up blank she just walks off towards the stairs putting her wings away. “Hmph!” Her one word reply to Eclipse’s question. “That style you were doing earlier. When did you learn that?” Summer stopped in her tracks when he asked this question. Reminding her that she was still holding no to a sword she threw it on the ground and kept on making her way to the stairs. “None of your business.” She said calmly. “Ok…” Eclipse says to himself. “Then what have you recently learnt from B67 that we do not know of? Leo said we have to brain storm a plan and it seems like you’re here to help for whatever reason.” Hearing this Summer stopped looking back to Eclipse as if thinking weather she should even bother talking to him.

“Marbles…” Her single word reply to Eclipse. “Marbles?” Eclipse repeated. “What about them?” Summer turns right around to face Eclipse and closes her eyes as if trying to recall the memory right on the spot. “I don’t know but I feel that her next task is mastering marbles.” Eclipse sands there pondering over Summers words.

“I see, she being able to use electromagnetism would make something like that work as a weapon. But the level of control would be near insane…” Summer looks at Eclipse a little surprised that he could deducted that much just from what she said but he did not notice as he stood there pondering. “Well? ” Eclipse suddenly looks up and asks Summer. “What is it?” “Do you want me to get you some marbles as well?” Eclipse stood there in wait for Summers reply, her face clearly showing that she does not want to be talking to him any longer than she already was. “No.” Summer said with a huff in her tone. “Get me needles instead.” Looking back to the exit to the lab she walks off leaving Eclipse behind in the lab.

Eclipse could only stand there for a while before scratching his head and look around at the mess that was left after Summer awoken. Now that all the action was over he could now get on top of his less favoured part of his role as Leo’s Nova pilot. Cleaning up after him.

thepancreas11
August 10th, 2014, 05:32 PM
I appreciate ambition, but you really have to start by writing book number one. You can probably assume that if people read the first two books of the series, this would make more sense, only we haven't read those books, and a lot of it seems quite unexplained. I would start by putting together the original story, the plot line that best explains this and start writing that. You'll find that by the time you get to these events, they will be almost completely different than when you first started planning them, at least in my experience. Half the fun of writing is discovering what will happen next as it happens, in my opinion.

From a structure standpoint, you might want to separate lines of dialogue out into their own paragraphs according to speaker. While not exactly necessary for some, I find it helps me write more clearly. I also find that using the word "said" over any other descriptor for speech generally makes the dialogue easier to read, a lot less of me imprinting myself on the story.

Equally important, I would advise against using too many "opinionated" adjectives and descriptive phrases. "His face looked sad." How so? What about his face looked sad? That's just an example, but there are plenty of these in your story. You'd be better served by describing what actually took place. "He frowned, his eyes watering." Something to that effect. We can get a better picture that way. Also, describe only what's important. Giving use the stats on that creature in the first couple of paragraphs, for example, could probably wait for later, or be excluded altogether as it doesn't really fit into the narrative style or with the immediate story, in my opinion.

All in all, I found the idea creative and rather easy to read, when I got past the wrinkles of confusion. Why not start by writing something smaller and simpler, a short story to kind of get your creative ball rolling?

Sc0pe
August 10th, 2014, 09:45 PM
Thank you for taking you time to read through this. I have already done what i consider book one and two but since it is all still in a script format and since this was the first one that I have done in a novel format. I do agree that doing this leave a lot of questions I guess i just wanted to find out where I am at with this format witch you did to thanks. I will read over what you said again and make use of it.

I have been thinking of doing little stories, think i may take a break and after this book since it will be a half way point and really think about my next move. It's just that i hae this idear and i want to get it out of my head and on paper soon as. I will take a step back and show the start but onlt when i change the format. That or I will summaries what just took place on that scene.

Do i add it anything new on here or make a new thread. (I'm guessing on here to keep things neat but)

thepancreas11
August 11th, 2014, 01:17 AM
Make a new thread. That'll make a cleaner distinction.

ranjit23das
August 12th, 2014, 11:31 AM
Hi Scope,

I am guessing you are quite a young writer. I apologise in advance if my critique is too harsh.

check for typos before posting:
"wrighting" - writing
"form" - from
"blacked" - black or blackened
"Kempest’s" - apostrophe in the wrong place.
"there" - should be their
"Hit" - should be his.

"An unnatural storm has spread across the eastern borders"
- you then go on to describe a very natural storm; wind, rain etc.

"The sky blocked by the blacked clouds"
- what is the sky blocked from? Sky is sky. Did you mean the light?

"flashes of roaring thunder"
- thunder does not flash. Lightening flashes. Thunder should be described using auditory senses, not visual.

" rain falling from the sky"
- redundant, rain can only fall from the sky, not the earth.

"flying as far West as there four wings could carry them"
- you can say they flew west to avoid the storm but as far as their wings could carry them cannot be accurate. They all flew west until they could not fly any further?

"They are an exotic creature covered in feathers of green and yellow at the tips of their tail. Being a little bigger than an adult horse they are one of the bigger animals that are able to fly. They can eat just about anything but tend to stick to a diet of Berries and fish making them very adept at swimming. They only target bigger game on the winter months as to fatten up for their migration to warmer locals."
- Kempest description in the first para seems odd. Unless the story is about Kempests why go into so much detail?

"The fact that they were fleeing from the freak storm only further expressed how unholy it was. Some of them struggling to fly straight because of the violent gusts of wind slamming into their path of flight."
- not sure why this is a separate para?

"Within its lab are men in white coats scurrying around as they were set to complete there task’s. Leo watching from the catwalk fifty feet above them looked down as his subjects scurried around like ants. Looking up ahead of him and sees a large glass tube filled with an almost glowing baby blue liquid."
- are the workers Leo's subjects or paid employees?
- overuse of the word scurry - try a different adjective
- baby blue is not a universal colour description. Someone reading this in parts of Africa would not know what is meant by baby blue.

"Her eyes close almost sleep like"
- How can it be almost sleep like? Either its sleep-like or not.
- close should be closed.

"She was covered with nothing but a one piece of thin apron like sheet that had a hole in the centre for head space and pegs to keep both sides of cloth together on both her front and back of her"
- not sure you need such a detailed description of how she was dressed. Could just say she was draped in a sheet.
- apron like sheet - either its a apron or a sheet.

"A thick cord was poked into the very core of her nervous system"
- I am not a biologist; I don't know where the core of a human's nervous system is. I am certainly not familiar with this new being you are describing. Tell the reader where the cord was attached; nape of her neck, brain, base of her spine etc.

"This cord followed up along a wall and ended just outside the base here its end was left naked on the glass roof much like an aerial."
- but they are a thousand feet below the ocean.

"She looked like the spitting image of Natalie and yet was not her but an imposter created to be her."
- spitting image is a very local phrase; will not mean much to someone from China or India reading your prose
- you reference Natalie but the reader does not know who Natalie is so this is not very helpful.

"The men in white coats seemed to be hard at work"
- you can call them scientists now rather than men in white coats.
- seem to be is misleading. Either you want to tell the reader the scientists a faking it and are not working hard or they are actually working hard.

"legs apart the same width as his shoulders"
- Redundancy. Tell the reader his legs are apart; no need to tell us the exact distance they are apart.
"sense of ominous"
- incorrect sentence construction

"thunder bolt pierces though the sky and crashes into the sea surface splitting the ocean asunder and the thunder clouds away from each other dissipating almost as if it was never there to being with"
- Look, if bringing the being into life is so dependent on lighting then why build a lab 1000 feet below the sea? Why not build the lab on top of a mountain? I am not familiar with this planets dynamics but on earth it would take one hell of a lightening strike to go thru 1000 feet of water.

Sc0pe
August 12th, 2014, 06:12 PM
Thanks for the feed back. I did feel most of the ones you pointed out where off in one way or another but was not sure so thanks for confirming them to me. some of them was like you said that you don't know this character and since i have not shown the other parts before this I understand it wont mean much to you. I knew i was jumping the gun when i put this up but hoped that it will at least help with my writing not taking too much into about just now out of the loop it will leave you guys.

The lightening part you are correct and that is why i said that is split the water in two and made the clouds dissipate in the hopes that is will show how powerful the thunder strike was. The leader was the one that created this storm so he knows how it will act and where it will strike too. the lab has it's reason for being under the water and they have not been revealed yet but again my bad for jumping the gun.

But overall thanks for your feedback in sure it took you a while to constrict.

Yoten
August 12th, 2014, 06:31 PM
Hello there my friend I myself am a young writer, I'm currently working on a story but am very uncertain if it even fits. I write from day dreams that normally border anime in a visual sense, so putting that into words makes me think i may be making mistakes.

Yoten
August 12th, 2014, 06:34 PM
Sorry about this post i originally intended for it to be something else, but messed up so I'm sorry about the wasted space

Yoten
August 12th, 2014, 06:35 PM
Hi Scope,

I am guessing you are quite a young writer. I apologise in advance if my critique is too harsh.

check for typos before posting:
"wrighting" - writing
"form" - from
"blacked" - black or blackened
"Kempest’s" - apostrophe in the wrong place.
"there" - should be their
"Hit" - should be his.

"An unnatural storm has spread across the eastern borders"
- you then go on to describe a very natural storm; wind, rain etc.

"The sky blocked by the blacked clouds"
- what is the sky blocked from? Sky is sky. Did you mean the light?

"flashes of roaring thunder"
- thunder does not flash. Lightening flashes. Thunder should be described using auditory senses, not visual.

" rain falling from the sky"
- redundant, rain can only fall from the sky, not the earth.

"flying as far West as there four wings could carry them"
- you can say they flew west to avoid the storm but as far as their wings could carry them cannot be accurate. They all flew west until they could not fly any further?

"They are an exotic creature covered in feathers of green and yellow at the tips of their tail. Being a little bigger than an adult horse they are one of the bigger animals that are able to fly. They can eat just about anything but tend to stick to a diet of Berries and fish making them very adept at swimming. They only target bigger game on the winter months as to fatten up for their migration to warmer locals."
- Kempest description in the first para seems odd. Unless the story is about Kempests why go into so much detail?

"The fact that they were fleeing from the freak storm only further expressed how unholy it was. Some of them struggling to fly straight because of the violent gusts of wind slamming into their path of flight."
- not sure why this is a separate para?

"Within its lab are men in white coats scurrying around as they were set to complete there task’s. Leo watching from the catwalk fifty feet above them looked down as his subjects scurried around like ants. Looking up ahead of him and sees a large glass tube filled with an almost glowing baby blue liquid."
- are the workers Leo's subjects or paid employees?
- overuse of the word scurry - try a different adjective
- baby blue is not a universal colour description. Someone reading this in parts of Africa would not know what is meant by baby blue.

"Her eyes close almost sleep like"
- How can it be almost sleep like? Either its sleep-like or not.
- close should be closed.

"She was covered with nothing but a one piece of thin apron like sheet that had a hole in the centre for head space and pegs to keep both sides of cloth together on both her front and back of her"
- not sure you need such a detailed description of how she was dressed. Could just say she was draped in a sheet.
- apron like sheet - either its a apron or a sheet.

"A thick cord was poked into the very core of her nervous system"
- I am not a biologist; I don't know where the core of a human's nervous system is. I am certainly not familiar with this new being you are describing. Tell the reader where the cord was attached; nape of her neck, brain, base of her spine etc.

"This cord followed up along a wall and ended just outside the base here its end was left naked on the glass roof much like an aerial."
- but they are a thousand feet below the ocean.

"She looked like the spitting image of Natalie and yet was not her but an imposter created to be her."
- spitting image is a very local phrase; will not mean much to someone from China or India reading your prose
- you reference Natalie but the reader does not know who Natalie is so this is not very helpful.

"The men in white coats seemed to be hard at work"
- you can call them scientists now rather than men in white coats.
- seem to be is misleading. Either you want to tell the reader the scientists a faking it and are not working hard or they are actually working hard.

"legs apart the same width as his shoulders"
- Redundancy. Tell the reader his legs are apart; no need to tell us the exact distance they are apart.
"sense of ominous"
- incorrect sentence construction

"thunder bolt pierces though the sky and crashes into the sea surface splitting the ocean asunder and the thunder clouds away from each other dissipating almost as if it was never there to being with"
- Look, if bringing the being into life is so dependent on lighting then why build a lab 1000 feet below the sea? Why not build the lab on top of a mountain? I am not familiar with this planets dynamics but on earth it would take one hell of a lightening strike to go thru 1000 feet of water.
Seeing the way you critiqued his post made me want to contact you. I'm working on a story and you are just the type of person i need to get it where it needs to be. Whenever you're available please toss me a message so we can speak, and thank you for your time.

O.A Mantle
November 1st, 2014, 05:55 AM
You overused the 'Natalie Imposter' description a bit too be honest. Try using something else to describe Summer, like "Artificial being" or "the Science experiment"

The whole scene with Summer killing off a few of the scientist looks well done in my eyes. The derangement of the mad Doctor's misunderstanding of what he was dealing with seemed a bit off puting to me though. I mean he couldn't have just expected this thing he created to be under his will automatically right? This leads me to believe that the unnamed scientist was completely stupid.

It was menacing to read how she killed him and his shaking, convulsing body lying on the floor dead. I liked that, it wasn't too gory and gave us a clear idea of what Summer is capable off.

Leo being able to stop Summer's rampage, baffled me on a few levels. If she didn't care for the scientist why would she listen to a random person and not just kill him and Eclipse? It didn't bother me too much it didn't feel entirely forced but felt a bit off. Not wrong but off.

Overall not a bad chapter, though I think this is more suited for a opening to a first chapter of the first story not the first chapter on a third book, given the material.

Hope this helps. Have a good day :)

Sc0pe
November 1st, 2014, 01:50 PM
I agree with the over use of the word imposter.

They took steps to make sure that she will be on there side but yeah that random guy was a little too self absorbed by his life work to really think beyond that at the time and well...

Part of the steps that they took was meant to be the reason why she would listen to them but when Leo saw that it was not working he used that same information as her collar. It gets further explained later on so I understand why you would be a little baffled much like Eclipse reaction I hoped that the readers would be a confused as him.

I'm glad you found the chapter ok, I been meaning to fix a number of stuff on this piece but with me working on getting the whole story out of my head I neglected doing so. I put up this chapter because it would be easier to get into with out getting baffled by missing events from the last two books so if it feels like that then I think I did a good enough job in that sense.

Thanks for the feedback, don't know when but i will get back around to fixing this chapter. It was my very first attempt at writing in a novel format since I told myself I will start the doing so when i reach book three. but anyways thanks and take care.

O.A Mantle
November 3rd, 2014, 05:48 PM
That makes sense I guess. It just reminded me of the bad guy from Indy 4 where she didn't seem to understand what the skull could do, And the scientist guy reminded me of that.

So the reason will be told to us later?

Okay, your welcome. If you need any help don't hesitate to just ask :)

Sc0pe
November 4th, 2014, 12:08 PM
I never really watched any of the indy series but from when i heared that the last one had him escape a nuke by hiding inside a fridge i can only imagine how lack luster the logic is in the rest of the show.

Yeah in fact I have already written the scene where it is explained why she listened to him, with some of the hints i left on this chapter you could perhaps put two and two together. Like with them adding memories to her you can wonder what else have they teach her in this fashion.

O.A Mantle
November 14th, 2014, 09:24 PM
Actually the other three films don't make that big of a leap. The fourth one did disappoint but the original films were exciting, gripping and clever in their action sequences. Indy wasn't just a man who could beat up anyone, he had phsical limits that would constantly be tested and that made it more exciting.

I would actually like to see that, I can't wait to give it a read :)