PDA

View Full Version : Whitewater Books, 450 words



Ethan
August 5th, 2014, 04:12 PM
As an opening, would you want to continue reading?

Hal glanced over the top of his book casting a disapproving glance at the vision leaving ‘Whitewater Books’.

Brendan nodding appreciatively at the girls disappearing back, ‘D’You know;’ he pointed his pinky finger delicately after the girl, ‘she would’ve suited you right down to the ground’ , ‘ couldn't have been more than twenty two ...or three, Just finished her Bach.ed in English and she’s not seeing anybody ...at the moment...’ He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

‘I prefer my women like my books....un-illustrated’. Hal, who had been listening to the entire conversation, didn't lift his eyes from the book.

‘Don’t be such a tool Hal, everybody has Tatts these days, it’s considered well sick’;

Hall closed his eyes shaking his head as Brendan continued, ’D’you know, Cheryl Cole has one entire buttock and halfway up her back done, in fact I think most of today’ s Pop Stars have at least one Tatt’. He placed on finger on his lips as he pondered.

‘Never mind her Tatts as you call them, did you see how much metal she had perforated her face with...there must have been at least half a pound of silver, not to mention half a dozen bits of glass...’

‘Diamonds dear boy, diamonds’. Brendan interrupted.

‘Diamonds’? Hal blurted, ‘Well what sort of woman sticks diamond headed pins through her nose...and eyebrows and lips and God knows where else? She must have more scars than Spartacus.’

‘D’you know, You are too fussy Hal, s’always been your problem, You must learn to look beyond the obvious’

‘You can talk, you never looked above the waist. You were such a letch a college I bet you could have told what underwear the rugby team were wearing though their Levi’s’.

Brendan closed his eyes and sniffed disdainfully, ’D’you know, I never chased anybody who didn't ask to be caught’; he said as he flounced off toward the back office, pausing just long enough to add his parting shot; ‘and I was never as desperate to get laid as you are’. Before slamming the door.

Hal clasped his hands behind his head and rocked back in his chair staring at the ceiling.

Momentarily he considered following Brendan and continuing the discussion, He even considered telling him his nickname at Uni was ‘Juno’ on account of his propensity to begin every other sentence with the question. But as quickly as he thought of it he dismissed the idea. Besides, he had a sneaking feeling that Brendan already knew most of the names he’d been called over the years and Juno wasn’t even close to the worst.
Hall sighed deeply and rocked forward to stand up when the familiar tinkle of the shop doorbell caught his attention. He took off his glasses and stepped around the over-packed book shelves to greet what he hoped would be the last customer of the day.

escorial
August 5th, 2014, 06:48 PM
had the feel of two posh guy's wondering about less posh girls.

Ethan
August 5th, 2014, 10:40 PM
Hi Escorial, thanks for the read and comment. It is an idea that i have been banging around for some months now. It's basically two socially inept friends who own a bookshop and the predicaments their ineptitude provokes. This is an opening gambit,trying to introduce the guys without the usual preamble. I'm just not sure it would strike a chord.

escorial
August 5th, 2014, 11:08 PM
for me it's not the theme of the book but the way it's written...recently i read , A Good School by Richard Yates and if it wasn't for the fact is was just another one of his books the subject matter would not have interested me in the slightest.

Plasticweld
August 5th, 2014, 11:53 PM
I like it, I am tired of being hit over the head with adjectives and every detail pointed out. As I have told many, my imagination still works. Your pace let me get an idea of who the characters are through their words. How I picture them is however I want... I say run with it...Bob

hollaatmegan
August 6th, 2014, 07:41 PM
I got more of an Inbetweeners vibe.
I really like this introduction to these two characters and their friendship. You can really get a sense of who they are and how they are with each other through their words. I struggle with introductions because I hate the old "so and so was this blablabla who dadadada and had blond hair and blue eyes and yaddayaddayadda" and so I've written a lot of characters into my stories through dialogue and throwing readers into settings. I like it better. I also hate describing secondary characters as "so-and-so's best friend/boyfriend (I hate the words boyfriend and girlfriend but what else do you use because I hate "lover" and "partner" more)/sister/whoever. But enough of my problems, I really liked this. Well done!

Ethan
August 12th, 2014, 07:03 PM
I don't know what inbetweeners is Hollaatmegan? But I think I know what you mean.Thanks for the read and kind words. I was trying something new for me, letting the characters develop their own rapport with the reader, I think now it might work. Perhaps I need to allow the reader to make judgement calls on characters motives and actions. On further thought... it seems the most ...well...authentic approach.

Digiphant
August 14th, 2014, 05:41 PM
I don't know what inbetweeners is
Do you not get Channel 4 down on the Rock? It was/is a comedy series following a group of secondary school lads who are basically the left overs once you've pigeon-holed the rest of the kids. They've done a couple of films too. Quite funny in a cringey way.

Anyway, your story: It wasn't clear to me that the characters were running the shop initially. The banter seemed natural enough, but it's difficult to judge whether the story has legs as there's no indication of what direction it will take.

Ethan
August 16th, 2014, 07:42 AM
Do you not get Channel 4 down on the Rock?

LOL Digiphant, yep we get channel four and the rest. I had never seen or heard of the T.V. series, but since Hollaatmegan's reference, I was told it was a series, and have since watched bits on you tube. I now see his point clearly. thanks for the read and comment and I appreciate the fact that this is just snippet and therefore hard to make judgement calls on. It was intended more as a style query than content. again for tthe comment.

Diatsu
August 23rd, 2014, 02:19 AM
This made me laugh, haha, good read. It reminds me of many conversations I've had with my cousin Brandon. Thanks for sharing :)

Kieran S
August 26th, 2014, 09:22 PM
I like the twist at the end, where the reader discovers that the two characters aren't just two random friends chatting about the women they've seen. It gives the reader a nice little jolt, without being too big a twist.

I'd read more based on this intro, but I'd like to see fairly interesting customers--with their own sub-plots maybe--frequenting the shop to give the main two characters something to bounce off.