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theredbaron
July 31st, 2014, 05:27 PM
Throwing off the threadbare blanket, so old that it was near impossible to tell what color it had originally been with its hodgepodge of multihued patches that were sown on to try and keep it in one piece for one more day, heaved himself to his feet. It wasn’t as easy as it used to be. He was in his early fifties now and as such travel took more out of him than when he had been a teen. The treacherous creaking of his knee joints when he had lied down, or as he moved to get up now. The soreness of his back was a telltale sign that the ground was not conductive for sleep.

His movements, as awkward as they were with muscles stiffened from both age and exhaustion, roused the dog that had been lying across his feet. At nearly two and a half feet in height and almost six feet long Tina could have easily passed for a wolf. She was what people called “agouti”, where the fur happened to possess alternating light and dark bands producing a sort of appearance that oftentimes displayed by wild rabbits or wolves. But there was one difference between Tina and that of her wild brethren, the simple fact that said coat happened to be bristly, a sort of brush-hair that was rough to the touch instead of soft not quite unlike that found amongst most small terriers.

“Sorry girl.”


As said, very short clipping. In fact it's not even a quarter of the prologue but would like some thoughts on this and the writing style.

Thanks,

popsprocket
August 1st, 2014, 02:43 PM
Throwing off the threadbare blanket, so old that it was near impossible to tell what color it had originally been with its hodgepodge of multihued patches that were sown on to try and keep it in one piece for one more day, he heaved himself to his feet.
Wowzers, now that's a sentence. It could benefit from some more muscular prose where the blanket's description is concerned - say more with fewer words:

"Throwing off the threadbare blanket, worn down so that it was more patchwork than fabric, he heaved himself to his feet.


It wasn’t as easy as it used to be. He was in his early fifties now and, as such, travel took more out of him than when he had been younger. The treacherous creaking of his knee joints when he had lay down, or as he moved to get up now. The soreness of his back was a telltale sign that the ground was not conducive to sleep.
'teen' is a very Earthly word and sticks out like a sore thumb in a fantasy piece. That second sentence doesn't go anywhere.


His movements, as awkward as they were with muscles stiffened from both age and exhaustion, roused the dog that had been lying across his feet. At nearly two and a half feet in height and almost six feet long, Tina could have easily passed for a wolf. She was what people called “agouti”, where the fur happened to possess alternating light and dark bands producing a sort of appearance that oftentimes displayed by wild rabbits or wolves. But there was one difference between Tina and that of her wild brethren: the simple fact that said coat happened to be bristly, a sort of brush-hair that was rough to the touch instead of soft, not quite unlike that found amongst most small terriers.

“Sorry, girl.”
Even if it's relevant, the description of the dog's fur is way too long. In the case where it is relevant it should be cut down to something like:

"The pattern in her fur wasn't unlike those found in wolves, but rather than their soft coats hers was stiff and bristly."

In the case that it's not relevant, even including that is really too much.

Overall I think this is a lot of words for what is actually said and I'd caution you to be a bit more sparing in what you actually give voice to. There's nothing wrong with adding little details to your world like a threadbare blanket and a dog with a strange coat pattern, but they need to be exactly that: little details.

Daniel Loreand
August 17th, 2014, 03:08 AM
Yeah as pops stated, the opening line is a bit of a mouthfull and I think it could benefit from a little trimming. Other than that it is an engaging peice and would like to see the rest of the prolouge. However I would take Pops advice to heart, he pretty much summed up what I felt including the use of teen in such a peice. Good luck though.

Daniel.