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JosephineRinaldi
July 24th, 2014, 04:24 PM
As the last few rays of light sunk behind the dark clouds, everything was quiet within the expansive forest. There were no sweet sound of the birds that serenade each other or any of animals that scurry through the brush. Her senses were heightened as the path became shrouded in shadow, there was an eerie essence that crawled in with the dark. She began to stroke the blade that hung from the strap attached to her belt. Her fingers traced the silver hilt that was elegantly crafted with gold filigree inlaid into the design. Which lead up to it's pommel which bore an unique crest. Although the weapon was superbly made it still bore signs of age. She held it close and quietly quickened her pace. The thick crimson cloak that hung over her shoulders swayed in rhythm with her steps. Her small frame was encased by the dark leather bodes that went down to her hips. Little pieces of her white linen blouse flared out around her collar bones. Tints of pink accented her soft cheeks from the cool air. Gentle blonde curls floated around her like rays of starlight. With fierce hazel eyes she peered into the labyrinth of trees.


Night was a upon her before she realized. Thunder clapped in the distance, 'Maybe it'd been better if stayed at the cottage', she thought to herself while she folded her arms across her chest. The path ahead was no longer visible, but a faint light that glimmered through the wall of svelte tree trunks. The edge of her village was close which came as a reprieve. The unsettling presence lingered and she could feel it's eyes watching. 'Where are you?', she whispered as she observed the expansive opaqueness. All the dark figures bleed together like watercolors on a page. She tried to calm her nerves and control her breathes. If it were to strike she needed to have a calm mind and steady hand. There was a level of uncertainty in what the creature could be and it's intent. 'If it was going to attack it should have already, what was it waiting for?' Her thoughts began to run into the depths of her imagination. Reality snapped back to her when a roar echoed within the blackness. Forcefully she gripped her blade, Alastair's edge sung as it was unsheathed. As a black mass drew closer she lowered her stance and waited for it to reveal itself. Lighting paraded across the night sky followed by thunder that sounded like a trumpet. From the burst of light she was able to identify her attacker. To her surprise it was no more then a massive stead that carried a rider. Relief washed over her body as the horse trotted up to her.

"Where have you been!", a strong voice proclaimed, "The meeting had to start without you."

"Devyn, I'm sorry. I was um well, preoccupied..."

"Uh-huh. I hope you can create a better excuse for Rowan by the time we get back", Devyn sighed and extended his hand, "come on get on." The tone of his voice was laced with concern. While he helped her up the stead remained still, she wrapped her arms around his waist. In a fluid motion Devyn pulled the reins to turn and nudged the horse with his heels. The horse's powerful stride almost threw Nadia off when it began to canter. She clutched his leather masonry coat and pulled herself closer.

"I really am sorry." She whispered pulling up her hood. "You didn't have to come get me. I was fine."

"No need to apologize. Some of the others were concerned so I felt obligated to come find you.", He remained focused on the path ahead, but with his left hand reached down gently grabbed her right forearm. She blushed, for he never had shown any kind of affection before. Their pace quickened as he leaded forward when he took back the reins. All the trees became scares as the clearing came into view. Due to the harvest of the wheat and barley all fields looked naked under the thick clouds.



As they approached the gateway that surrounded the village a loud voice echoed from the guard tower, "Ah, I see you found our lost little bird!"

"Well of course I did, I believe you owe me fifteen coin Dean.", Devyn scoffed.

"Oh come now Devyn, how about I just buy you a couple pints Darcien's instead?", Dean laughed as the iron clad gate opened. A massive lions head cast from iron covered much of the gate's wooden doors.

"Well if that's the case then you owe me those and the two you promised from our last wager.", Devyn remarked as the passed into the village, all was peaceful inside the walls. A faint golden lights shined from the lanterns that hung throughout the streets.

"Oh good sir, I promise on my sword." Dean joked sarcastically. As they made their way quietly down the beaten road. She could hear the horse's powerful foot steps pound the earth as it walked. Rain droplets began to gently fall upon them as they passed through the center of town. Which was usually lively with merchants and farmers trying to sell their wares. A large monument sat proudly in the center of the square adorned with flowers at it's base. Light illuminated the statue's noble pose which stood clad in armor looking to the direction of the city of Ceriona. It's massive hands rested peacefully on the pommel of the sword that ran vertically to its feet. The muffled sound of music grew louder when they entered a covered pathway in the direction of Darcien's Den. A well lit cobblestone courtyard laid ahead of them protected by a tall iron gate which extended to the ceiling. Devyn passed the reins to Nadia as he slipped down to unlatch the gate. Within the courtyard the merriment and music echoed from the inn's pub. They led the tired horse to the far end of the courtyard to the troughs. Devyn removed the tack and saddle then disappeared into the stables. He returned with a bucket of brushes for grooming.

"You need to get in there, Rowan's waiting on you.", Devyn remarked. She sighed to try and relieve the anxiety that grew within her, for she suspected that there will be repercussions from missing the meeting. For he takes the matters of the Order very seriously for he respects all it's traditions. Before she could open the door it swung open and Rowan stood before her like a towering tree. The top of her head barely reached his muscular chest, his cold dark eyes peered down at her. His dark hair traveled around his face through his sideburns and connected with his thick facial hair. It gave him the resemblance of a giant bear and he had the personality to match. In comparison to his brother, Devyn, Rowan was the larger of the two. But Devyn had a boyish charm about him with his short dirty brown hair and tan skin.

"Ah Nadia, I thought I heard you out here,", Rowan's low voice stated eying the two of them, "come, there's a lot that we need to discuss." His massive paw for a hand patted her on the shoulder as he lead her inside.



She could feel the warmth that emanated from the fireplace that sat across the room. The room's emptiness felt lonely from the lack of people that are normally crowded around the long tables. Tension hung in the air as they approached a table, Rowan began to clear his throat as he swung his legs over the bench. Before he even sat down she exclaimed, "Rowan please understand, I had no intention of missing the meeting tonight. I had been working at the cottage most of the day and didn't notice the entire day had slipped away from me. I apologize."

Her face began to turn red as she looked around the room trying to avoid Rowan's empty eyes. Spherical metal candle holders hung from the large wooden beams stretched along the ceiling. Many of the walls were decorated with an assortment of ceremonial weapons and ornate tapestries. She became fixated on one of the giant elk heads mounted to the wall behind Rowan. It's dead stare held more warmth then Rowan's. As he stroked his thick bread he let out a heavy breath.

"These trials are not for the faint of heart. We have seen your talent and skills develop over the years. But those alone will not be enough to carry you through your induction. Some in the Order feel that from your absenteeism show you have a lack in the determination required to hone your natural abilities. However, with some negotiation I was able to prevent the relinquishment of your opportunity." Rowan leaned on his left elbow and fiddled with the grooves in the table. "But there are conditions. The Order wants to see your level of commitment, so for now you'll be shadowing me. Being the only child of Rourke there are high expectations for you." His eyes surveyed her dainty features for a reaction. But she sat calmly, fingers intertwined on the table. Although her eyes burned with intensity.

"I agree to such conditions, I will not disappoint you." She replied with a sharp tone.

"We shall see." Rowan chuckled loudly as he arose and went to the fire place. Ruby embers glimmered in the stone hearth as Rowan rearranged them with the fire iron. As the door creaked open as Devyn slipped in.

"All the horses have been tended to and the saddles are ready for the morning.", he signed as he pulled off his heavy elk skin coat and hung it by the door. Then lounged in one of the plush arm chairs which are meant for the elders of the Order when meetings are held. He fiddled with one of his many knives as he slumped further into the chair.

"Ummm... Good.", Rowan grunted in response, thoughts had begun to brew in his mind, "Nadia I think it'd be best if you accompany us tomorrow. We received word from Erdo that there have been several sightings of mysterious shadow creatures in portions of the forest. The Order feels that should investigate these claims. We will leave just after sunrise, so you'd better go and get some rest."

"Of course, I'll be ready." Nadia agreed as she arose and headed to the door, "good evening." Like a flash Devyn was there to open the door for her.

"Shall I escort you home?", He offered as he grabbed his coat and followed her out.

"I can manage, thank you though." She smiled warmly. The rain had grown stronger for streams of water flowed off the edge of the walk-ways roof like little waterfalls.

"I insist." Devyn stated stubbornly as he placed his coat around her shoulders. The fur lining was incredibly soft against her skin as he pulled the hood over her head. As they left the courtyard all was quiet expect for the rain.


Thoughts ran through her mind as they made their way towards her house. Her gaze remained fixated on the ripples within the puddles from the rain. She was so focused that it was like Devyn was nothing more than a shadow. But he didn't mind, any time he had with her was enough. Opportunities like this rarely presented itself, since he was frequently busy with a new commissions for weapons. He had become such an accomplished blacksmith that many of the other branches in the Order in near by villages were sending him work. Over the years his father had become too weak to work so his sons were entrusted with their father's craft. Although the work was rigorous it gave him the opportunity to train in multiple styles of weaponized combat. But now with Rowan regularly summoned to Ceriona and will be gone for months at time all of the responsibility has fallen on Devyn.

Finally the rain had ceased for a moment as they approached Nadia's little stone house. Ivy that grew from her mother's garden crawled up it's stone face, there was a faint light that shined in the top left window.
"I apologize for not being good company," Nadia said as she handed his coat back.
"Oh, don't worry about it." He grinned as he pushed back his damp hair with his hand.
"So are you joining us tomorrow?"
"Of course, I have some swords I finished that need to be delivered. Its getting late, I'll see you in the morning."
"Tired?" She asked sarcastically.
"Never, but I'm sure you are. Good night Nadia." There was glimmer in his eyes as he gave a little wave then turned to head back. She could feel her face grow warm as she waited in the doorway and watched him round the corner. With a little smile she disappeared into her quite house.

popsprocket
July 25th, 2014, 12:57 PM
Corrections are in red, comments are in blue, adjustments are in orange.


As the last few rays of light sunk behind the dark clouds [when it becomes night the light falls behind the horizon, not behind clouds], everything was quiet within the expansive forest. There were no sweet sounds of the birds that serenaded each other or any of the animals that normally scurried through the brush. Her senses were heightened as the path became shrouded in shadow. There was an eerie essence that crawled in with the dark [this is ultra-telling: show us that there's something eerie in the dark, don't just say it]. She began to stroke the blade that hung from the strap attached to her belt. Her fingers traced the silver hilt that was elegantly crafted with gold filigree inlaid into the design which led up to its pommel which [you've used 'which' twice here] bore a ['an' is only used when the word sounds as though it starts with a vowel, 'unique' starts with a 'y' sound] unique crest. Although the weapon was superbly made it still bore signs of age. She held it close and quietly quickened her pace. The thick crimson cloak that hung over her shoulders swayed in rhythm with her steps. Her small frame was encased by the dark leather bodice that went down to her hips. Little pieces of her white linen blouse flared out around her collar bones. Tints of pink accented her soft cheeks from the cool air. Gentle blonde curls floated [hair doesn't float if you aren't underwater] around her like rays of starlight. With fierce hazel eyes [I'll complain about character descriptions below, but 'fierce eyes' always deserve their own, personalised complaint: please pick another adjective to describe eyes. 'Fierce' is overused] she peered into the labyrinth of trees.

Night was a upon her before she realized. Thunder clapped in the distance, 'Maybe it would have been better if I stayed at the cottage', she thought to herself as she folded her arms across her chest. The path ahead was no longer visible, but a faint light that glimmered through the wall of svelte [be wary of your thesaurus, not all synonyms have the meaning of the original word. In this case the implications of 'svelte' make it unsuitable for use in describing trees... pick another word] tree trunks [I'd be willing to bet that your word processor calls this a sentence fragment - read it over and see if you can spot where you went wrong]. The edge of her village was close which came as a reprieve. The unsettling presence lingered and she could feel its eyes watching. 'Where are you?', she whispered [if this is dialogue then you really need to distinguish it as such so that it doesn't get confused with her thoughts, which were marked the same way] as she observed the expansive opaqueness [another thesaurus warning: a surface might be opaque, but 'opaque' is not the same thing as darkness]. All the dark figures bled together like watercolors on a page. She tried to calm her nerves and control her breathing. If it were to strike she needed to have a calm mind and steady hand. There was a level of uncertainty in what the creature could be and its intent. 'If it was going to attack it should have already, what was it waiting for?' Her thoughts began to run into the depths of her imagination [huh? unless you elaborate then this means literally nothing. Is it fear? Is her mind getting carried away with imagining scary creatures? Is that what you're trying to say?]. She snapped back to reality when a roar echoed within the blackness. Forcefully she gripped her blade, Alastair's edge sung as it was unsheathed. As a black mass drew closer she lowered her stance and waited for it to reveal itself. Lighting paraded across the night sky followed by thunder that sounded like a trumpet [thunder sounds nothing like a trumpet]. From the burst of light she was able to identify her attacker. To her surprise it was no more than a massive stead that carried a rider. Relief washed over her body as the horse trotted up to her.

"Where have you been!", [punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks] a strong voice proclaimed, "The meeting had to start without you."

"Devyn, I'm sorry. I was, um, well, preoccupied..."

"Uh-huh. I hope you can create a better excuse for Rowan by the time we get back", Devyn sighed and extended his hand, "come on, get on." The tone of his voice was laced with concern. While he helped her up the stead remained still, she wrapped her arms around his waist. In a fluid motion Devyn pulled the reins to turn and nudged the horse with his heels. The horse's powerful stride almost threw Nadia off when it began to canter [even though she was holding onto his waist? doesn't seem likely]. She clutched his leather masonry coat and pulled herself closer.

"I really am sorry," she whispered, pulling up her hood. "You didn't have to come get me. I was fine."

"No need to apologize. Some of the others were concerned so I felt obligated to come find you.", He remained focused on the path ahead, but with his left hand reached down gently grabbed her right forearm. She blushed, for he never had shown any kind of affection before. Their pace quickened as he leaned forward when he took back the reins [what? when didn't he have the reins?]. All the trees became scarce as the clearing came into view. Due to the harvest of the wheat and barley all the fields looked naked under the thick clouds.

As they approached the gateway that surrounded the village a loud voice echoed from the guard tower, "Ah, I see you found our lost little bird!"

"Well of course I did, I believe you owe me fifteen coin, [always use a comma before a direct address] Dean.", Devyn scoffed.

"Oh come now, Devyn, how about I just buy you a couple of pints at Darcien's instead?", Dean laughed as the iron-clad gate opened. A massive lion's head cast from iron covered much of the gate's wooden doors.

"Well if that's the case then you owe me those and the two you promised from our last wager.", Devyn remarked as the passed into the village, all was peaceful inside the walls. A faint golden lights shined from the lanterns that hung throughout the streets.

"Oh good sir, I promise on my sword," Dean joked sarcastically [redundant wording, pick one: joked or sarcastic]. As they made their way quietly down the beaten road. She could hear the horse's powerful foot steps pound the earth as it walked. Rain droplets began to gently fall upon them as they passed through the center of town which was usually lively with merchants and farmers trying to sell their wares. A large monument sat proudly in the center of the square adorned with flowers at its base. Light illuminated the statue's noble pose which stood, clad in armor, looking in the direction of the city of Ceriona. Its massive hands rested peacefully on the pommel of the sword whose point was grounded between its feet. The muffled sound of music grew louder when they entered a covered pathway in the direction of Darcien's Den [rethink how this sentence is worded, they might be headed in the direction of the bar, or the music might be coming from the direction of the bar, but you need to make it clear which you are referring to]. A well lit cobblestone courtyard lay ahead of them protected by a tall iron gate which extended to the ceiling. Devyn passed the reins to Nadia as he slipped down to unlatch the gate. Within the courtyard the merriment and music echoed from the inn's pub. They led the tired horse to the far end of the courtyard to the troughs. Devyn removed the tack and saddle then disappeared into the stables. He returned with a bucket of brushes for grooming.

"You need to get in there, Rowan's waiting on you,", Devyn remarked. She sighed to try and relieve the anxiety that grew within her, for she suspected that there would be repercussions for missing the meeting. For he takes the matters of the Order very seriously for he respects all it's traditions [uh, what? Is someone saying this? Is she thinking it? If neither then you just jumped view points and need to reword it accordingly]. Before she could open the door it swung open and Rowan stood before her like a towering tree. The top of her head barely reached his muscular chest, his cold dark eyes peered down at her. His dark hair traveled around his face through his sideburns and connected with his thick facial hair. It gave him the resemblance of a giant bear and he had the personality to match. In comparison to his brother, Devyn, Rowan was the larger of the two. But Devyn had a boyish charm about him with his short dirty brown hair and tan skin [a) this last sentence has nothing to do with the matter at hand, and b) earlier she blushed when Devyn touched her arm because he had never 'shown her any affection', finding out now that he's her brother makes that kind of creepy].

"Ah, Nadia, I thought I heard you out here,", [except that she never said anything while she was outside, so what was there for Rowan to hear?] Rowan's low voice stated, [this is a, sorry, pretty awful dialogue tag. I'll explain a bit below about using dialogue tags carefully] eying the two of them [okay, you've obviously changed the scene a bit: Devyn is tending the horses and not standing there with her], "come, there's a lot that we need to discuss." His massive paw-for-a-hand [when worded like this, 'paw-for-a-hand' really needs to be hyphenated, if you reword it then you can get around this - which you should, it's not a particularly elegant way to say that his hands are large] patted her on the shoulder as he led her inside.

She could feel the warmth that emanated from the fireplace that sat across [ambiguous wording, makes it sound like the fireplace is sentient and stretched out across the whole room] the room. The room's emptiness felt lonely compared to the people that were normally crowded around the long tables. Tension hung in the air as they approached a table, Rowan began to clear his throat as he swung his legs over the bench. Before he even sat down she exclaimed, "Rowan, please understand, I had no intention of missing the meeting tonight. I had been working at the cottage most of the day and didn't notice the entire day had slipped away from me. I apologize."

Her face began to turn red as she looked around the room trying to avoid Rowan's empty eyes. Spherical metal candle holders hung from the large wooden beams stretched along the ceiling. Many of the walls were decorated with an assortment of ceremonial weapons and ornate tapestries. She became fixated on one of the giant elk heads mounted to the wall behind Rowan. It's dead stare held more warmth than Rowan's. As he stroked his thick bread he let out a heavy breath.

"These trials are not for the faint of heart. We have seen your talent and skills develop over the years. But those alone will not be enough to carry you through your induction. Some in the Order feel that your absenteeism shows you lack in the determination required to hone your natural abilities. However, with some negotiation I was able to prevent the retraction of your opportunity." Rowan leaned on his left elbow and fiddled with the grooves in the table. "But there are conditions. The Order wants to see your level of commitment, so for now you'll be shadowing me. Being the only child of Rourke there are high expectations for you." His eyes surveyed her dainty [be careful about stuff like this, although the narrator isn't specifically Nadia, things are filtered through her voice, and no person has ever thought of themselves as 'dainty' (because it's rarely a compliment)] features for a reaction. But she sat calmly, fingers intertwined on the table. Although her eyes burned with intensity [reword all three of these last sentences].

"I agree to such conditions, I will not disappoint you," she replied with a sharp tone.

"We shall see." Rowan chuckled loudly as he arose and went to the fire place. Ruby embers glimmered in the stone hearth as Rowan rearranged them with the fire iron. The door creaked open as Devyn slipped in.

"All the horses have been tended to and the saddles are ready for the morning.", He signed as he pulled off his heavy elk skin [just call it leather] coat and hung it by the door then lounged in one of the plush arm chairs which were meant for the elders of the Order when meetings are held. He fiddled with one of his many knives as he slumped further into the chair.

"Um [if you're going to include the sounds that people make when they speak then make sure they're unobtrusive. 'um' is unobtrusive, 'ummm' is not]... good,", Rowan grunted in response, thoughts had begun to brew in his mind [you just jumped POV to Rowan, as so far you've been telling this from Nadia's POV, you need to either mark clearly a change to Rowan or make sure that it's all consistent with things that Nadia would know], "Nadia, I think it'd be best if you accompany us tomorrow. We received word from Erdo that there have been several sightings of mysterious shadow creatures in portions of the forest. The Order feels that it should investigate these claims. We will leave just after sunrise, so you'd better go and get some rest."

"Of course, I'll be ready." Nadia agreed as she arose and headed to the door, "good evening." Like a flash Devyn was there to open the door for her.

"Shall I escort you home?", [I'm so unsure right now if he's her brother or not] He offered as he grabbed his coat and followed her out.

"I can manage, thank you though." She smiled warmly. The rain had grown stronger for streams of water flowed off the edge of the walk-way's roof like little waterfalls.

"I insist," Devyn stated stubbornly as he placed his coat around her shoulders. The fur lining was incredibly soft against her skin as he pulled the hood over her head. As they left the courtyard all was quiet except for the rain.

Thoughts ran through her mind as they made their way towards her house. Her gaze remained fixated on the ripples within the puddles from the rain. She was so focused that it was like Devyn was nothing more than a shadow. But he didn't mind, any time he had with her was enough [jumped POV again, try and keep it consistent]. Opportunities like this rarely presented itself, since he was frequently busy with a new commissions for weapons. He had become such an accomplished blacksmith that many of the other branches in the Order in near by villages were sending him work. Over the years his father had become too weak to work so his sons were entrusted with their father's craft. Although the work was rigorous, it gave him the opportunity to train in multiple styles of weaponized combat. But now with Rowan regularly summoned to Ceriona, sometimes gone for months at a time, all of the responsibility had fallen on Devyn.

Finally the rain had ceased for a moment as they approached Nadia's little stone house. Ivy that grew from her mother's garden crawled up it's stone face, there was a faint light that shined in the top left window.
"I apologize for not being good company," Nadia said as she handed his coat back.
"Oh, don't worry about it." He grinned as he pushed back his damp hair with his hand.
"So are you joining us tomorrow?"
"Of course, I have some swords I finished that need to be delivered. It's getting late, I'll see you in the morning."
"Tired?" She asked sarcastically.
"Never, but I'm sure you are. Good night, Nadia." There was glimmer in his eyes as he gave a little wave then turned to head back. She could feel her face grow warm as she waited in the doorway and watched him round the corner. With a little smile she disappeared into her quiet house.

I won't guarantee that I caught all the little errors in there, but I certainly think I caught enough of them for one line-edit.

Okay, let's start with the easy stuff.

"it's" is short for "it is", the possessive form is simply "its". I made this correction a bunch of times.

Dialogue punctuation:

I said it up above but I'll say it again: punctuation goes inside the dialogue tags. That means none of this !", business. You either replace the exclamation mark with the comma, or you don't include it at all. The end of a bit of dialogue generally performs the same function as a comma when a person is reading anyway.

Then vs than:

"It was mine and then it was his."
"I would rather be here than there."

'Then' denotes one thing happening after the first, 'than' denotes one thing instead of the other.

The ever-handy thesaurus: is not really your friend. It can be a way to expand your vocabulary, but always check to make sure that the synonym you pick actually has the meaning you intend. A lot of the time, synonyms do have similar meanings, but their implications and actual usage is different from the original word.

Tense. You made a few slip-ups when you went from past to present tense, but it doesn't seem to be a big issue and will clear up with a bit more practice. Just watch yourself where 'are' and 'were' are concerned.


Some of the bigger issues:

Dialogue tags. There's a famous bit of writing advice that goes "Don't ever use anything other than 'said' when writing dialogue." While it's not always true, for someone just starting out it's a good bit of advice to follow. Lots of your dialogue tags are clunky or just plain strange for their context. You'd get a lot of benefit, I think, out of paring back the adjectives as far as you can and replacing them with 'said'.

Sentence structure. You seem to have a bit of an issue with breaking up single thoughts into multiple sentences. Most of them contained a sentence that began with 'which'. If you're going to break up single thoughts like that, then you need to make sure that all the sentences make sense in their own right.

Character descriptions. They should be short and sweet. Convey a few important or distinguishing details with as few words as possible. That whole first passage of yours is all 'fierce eyes' and 'curls like starlight'. Write more and learn when and where character description is appropriate, that's the best advice I can give. As it stands the descriptions in this are clunky and ill-timed. In the first passage you want to establish a pace and a story, but you're slowing this right down by launching almost immediately into a long description of the girl. It's boring, get to the story faster, describe the girl later. This is especially true since you're trying to create tension with the mysterious eerie feeling and whatnot. There's no tension in hearing about Nadia's curls.

As a whole? The first scene is cliche. "Bad feeling just turns out to be someone the character knows." It's been done.

My biggest piece of advice for you is to look up how to use scenes in literature. Breaking a story up into scenes and giving it some structure and backbone will improve your writing immensely. The way you have things mashed together here is a bit of a newbie mark, but you'll learn and grow so don't sweat it too much ;)

Augustus Maximus
July 25th, 2014, 11:44 PM
Finally the rain had ceased for a moment as they approached Nadia's little stone house. Ivy that grew from her mother's garden crawled up its stone face, there was a faint light that shined in the top left window.


Just a mistake that was bothering me. "It's" would not be the correct form right here. Like popsprocket said, "its" is the possessive form, so that form should be utilized here.

For the most part, I really like the detail you've put into some of your descriptions, but your spelling and grammar is somewhat off-putting to me. However, Pops corrected most of what I saw, and had good advice. To avoid repeating, I just wanted to say keep writing and improvements will come!

Yoten
August 12th, 2014, 07:05 PM
Your descriptions were enjoyable well done. Personally I could take a lesson in greater detail and descriptiveness.