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View Full Version : Slowdancing in the Airport (profanity)



Fru
July 20th, 2014, 12:10 AM
Edit in progress

Fei
July 26th, 2014, 11:05 PM
I vote for more.

EmmaSohan
July 27th, 2014, 02:28 AM
I vote for starting with the last paragraph. The first two or three sounded like you were being a writer, at least to me, and I know I can be fussy, sorry. The last paragraph was great, it sounded straight from your heart and was really powerful.

Fru
July 29th, 2014, 02:58 PM
Thanks guys

Yeah I agree, Emma, I'm not happy with how I've written that either. I've been trying to think of how to redo it, but maybe just removing it altogether might be best.

Apple Ice
July 29th, 2014, 04:27 PM
not much romance is posted on the forums and so I quite like reading it when it is. I was quite disappointed with how short it was but that's just because I'm in the mood to read. I liked it though and would like to read more. I'm 100% sure I'm going to completely relate to this story and that kind of worries me seeing as it obviously hasn't ended well. Anyway, I will read more if/when you post it

Fru
July 29th, 2014, 05:06 PM
Edit in progress

Apple Ice
July 31st, 2014, 01:28 AM
Okay so I read through it. I enjoyed it, your informal style it amusing in places I thought.


The second paragraph gets a bit info-dump and somewhat boring towards the end. But everything else was pretty much fine to me.

How much have you got of this story? Wouldn't mind reading more if you'd like

EmmaSohan
July 31st, 2014, 04:21 PM
This story has gripping parts, so it has a lot of potential. It has too much off-story stuff for me. My books come out too short for me, so use your own judgment on that. But to me, a good start should start with the woman. Or, not good but something like, "I was bored, feeling depressed about my life, and being bored to death in an internet chat room..."

On this: "I was instantly hooked by her. I must have pulled the lazy “humorous fake name” joke a thousand times over the years, and it had never raised more than a confused “wha…?” from its past recipients. Showing that the way to my heart is hilariously simple, the ease with which she picked up my shit joke and ran with it had me immediately smitten..." Do you need the first sentence? It's like a topic sentence. It's a natural way to write, and I do it a lot, but I think it hurts this paragraph.

Same I think for "The emotional connection was forged that night..." Usually, your "topic" sentences work great, like "My idea of flirting is embarrassingly primitive." It's evocative, vulnerable, and needed.

(It's easier to figure out where things go when you have a first draft. Just so you know.)

EmmaSohan
August 1st, 2014, 03:36 PM
"'So it would be stupid to say that we liked each other from day 1, but we pretty blatantly liked each other from day 1."

Great line.

"My idea of flirting is embarrassingly primitive. The best comparison I could make would be to going up to a girl I like in the playground and pulling her pigtails, then.."

Great content, really well expressed.

Fru, there's a lot of great things here.

How hard is it for you to write? How much do you know about writing?

My advice today:

1. Don't take advice from anyone. Follow your inner voice. That's working well for you.

2. Finish the story. Whatever you are doing to get this great content, keep doing it. Can you keep going?

I'm happy to be a reader, if that helps.

Fru
August 1st, 2014, 07:17 PM
Hi guys, thanks for reading!

Sorry I haven't been responding to posts, or making any posts of my own lately - I just started a new job with very little advance warning, the last week has been absolutely hectic! I don't think of myself as having a lot to offer in the way of critique or advice (I was always terrible at literature analysis in school!) but I'm happy to read anything that anybody would like me to in return for reading my own story.

That's the thing with this, is it's a first draft. For two reasons - I never really thought ahead to showing it to anybody, and I think if I start worrying about perfecting the early chapters, I'll never make it to the end. So the advice you're giving is great, thanks!

Emma: Sometimes I find it amazingly hard, sometimes I find it ridiculously easy (chapter 6 pretty much wrote itself in an evening, chapter 7 took me about 2 months).
How much do I know? Not a lot, really - I'm good with grammar and spelling etc, but I don't have any sort of overarching plan going into this. I know a chronological narrative I want to write down and I'm doing that as it comes to me. Now I've gotten to a point where I'd like to show it to people, friends etc to see what they think, but its definitely in need of a clean-up. I have 9 chapters at the minute, all of approx. the same length, maybe a little longer than chapt 1.

I can post the next chapter if you're interested, I'm definitely worried though that there's too much uninteresting backstory on my life for a neutral observer; I do like to go on and on about myself (cf. this post)

EmmaSohan
August 3rd, 2014, 06:59 PM
Hi Fru. I'm thrilled that you have more. How much will you have when you are done? I mean, is 9 chapters the end? Just the start?

Laughing, I too am worried there is too much backstory about you. It's hard to know. Anyway, that's something you can fix later. And it might help for writing the story now.

I can read more if you want. But I don't know what else I could do know except urge you to finish. What do your other readers say?

Fru
August 4th, 2014, 08:18 PM
I have 4 distinct "parts" I'm gonna write, Chpt 9 is at the beginning of Part 2. It's gonna be long as hell probably, but then as I keep saying this is really only a vanity project for me, shared for anyone who might enjoy a romance story.

I've given it to two friends to read, they've both been really positive about it, but are obvs not very impartial.

ClaireValmont
March 16th, 2015, 05:58 AM
I agree! I vote more too!

Fru
May 12th, 2015, 11:17 PM
Edit in progress

EmmaSohan
May 23rd, 2015, 08:32 PM
I missed it!