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View Full Version : The Dragons of Mok Re-Written Intro *Blood and Violence* (800 Words)



TheLamprey
July 12th, 2014, 05:19 AM
The Execution of Argarus
Magma Pools of Frynthough
39,1,31
“Long, the years have been, keeping my race, from assuming control. But now, with your homeland, blackened and burning, we have accomplished only a sliver of our goal. The complete annihilation and genocide of your impudent race is the only true way of resolving our hardships, our pains! With your cruel and unjust laws, that were meant to keep us under chains, you have given us immeasurable strength and fervorous power beyond your most feared nightmares. Our prowess in battle was forged in the inferno of our hearts, as you had suppressed us to the point of breaking, and as a mighty geyser explodes, so does our will to fight. Thus you find yourself at the end, brother, wishing for death, flogging after flogging, torturing after torturing. You are very resilient, I must say. But today I shall show no mercy to you and I will unleash the worst to come, onto your very body. Something interesting I learned a few years ago in your dungeons was that you used spinal torture, scratching the nervous ends of the spinal cord to extract information from high level dragons without the extreme brutality of normal methods. Here, I wish to usher in a new method of torture, in which a level of unprecedented ferocity will be used on the victim. Let me show you, brother”, said Pygarus as he prepared his brother’s neck for the operation.

Argarus choked up to make his plea, “Please brother, this is beyond the point of sanity, you must show mercy! I was not the one who had you shackled down and tortured. That was sick, and you know I fought for your release. But you mus…”
“NO!”, and then Pygarus swiped the bone saw from the basalt slab and began sawing at Argarus’ neck. He sawed back and forth, each time matching the writhing beat of Argarus’ deep and troubled breaths. Chunky red blood splattered from the now open wound as the young Argarus began to fall from the living. The blood covered saw though, had no mercy for Argarus as it kept going back and forth tearing at Argarus’ very musculature. Suddenly, the bone saw stopped, as a plow on a deep rock stops in a field.
“Apparently I was wrong all those years, calling you a spineless welp. Now, let’s see how brittle it is!”, said the mad Pygarus with a psychotic twitch. Pygarus reached into the back of Argarus’ neck, and felt for the front of the spine. Feeling it he gripped hard and entered the neck with his second hand, firming up his grip on the vertebrae. Then he inserted his maw into the back of Argarus’ neck and bit down hard on a vertebrae directly above his claws. Then in a bout of rage, he separated the spine from the upper section with a loud snapping sound that could frighten a human village. He pulled his head and second hand out Argarus’ neck, but while still maintaining a grip on the spine he slowly began to remove the spine from Argarus’ back…

Argarus began gasping and coughing blood at a hyperventilating rate but could not maintain most bodily functions. With his new prize, Pygarus knelt down to his crippled brother whispering, “Stay with me, I’m not done with you”, and so Argarus grimaced. Slowly Argarus was dragged by Pygarus to the edge of the cliff and once they arrived, Pygarus lifted Argarus’ spine and yelled, “A very bloody victory has been won today, ending the atrocities of Argarus and his evil Order. TODAY! Today we bring freedom and justice to the Dai all over Mok, TODAY!”, and in a bout of uncontrollable rage, Pygarus began to flog Argarus in front of 100,000 weary soldiers, with his own spine of course. After the demonstration, which lasted more than 100 whippings, the soldiers were escorted out of the area by their commanders and at last, the two brothers had peace.
“Brother, it is sad that it had to come to this. All I want for you to know is, under all this rage and anger, I may still… love you”, said Pygarus to Argarus in his final moments.
And with that, Argarus joined his fallen comrades and forefathers on The Grey Mountain.

The Battle of Yyngrigotl
Yyngrigotl
71,3,89
I paced in my fort upon the hill examining the chaos from afar, watching the young dai fight it out, mostly to the death. Then I observed him, the new general, Marxxickist, young spry and strong. He lead like no other I knew of risking his own life to aid his soldiers. Countless recruits did not heed the red robe that marked him as General of Moothgar’s armies, as they tossed themselves at a meat grinder.
“Arynthetti Mathgar, sir, a battalion of Daidou infantry has breached the lower defences, and we require your mighty gift to halt them.” said a scout to me.
“As must be done, recruit”.
I followed the dai to the lower levels of my fortification and found a gruesome battle in-progress. With one mighty roar I silenced both sides and stopped the fighting.
“LEAVE, NOW! Or I shall destroy you!” I said to the Daidou Infantry.
All but one left the hall after my titanous proclamation.
He yelled and ran at me, “Kill their treacherous king!”.
And as he charged, getting closer and closer, I grinned. Reaching out with my right claw, I snatched the whelp up and with one rigid fist, I crushed the insignificant soldier. Juicy red blood squeezed out of my hand as I gripped tighter. Feeling no more resistance I dropped him and began to strut from the example’s corpse, yet in peering back to observe my handiwork, I saw 3 daidou soldiers attempt to drag their comrade’s corpse from the hall.
“NOOOO!” As I screamed at them and whipped a gelatinous stream of lava at them. Yells for help came from the group of now drowned in magma soldiers. But no help did come for them, as my example of my raw power scared their comrades off.

I arrived back to my Obsidy’ite Throne to once again observer the now less populated fields of Yyngrigotl. Many had died, on both sides, as I was away. But one in particular remained, Marxxickist.
“Squire! Suit me up. I fly into battle within the hour.”
After acquiring my gear and armor, I opened the metal hatch to meet Moothgar’s leading general on the bloody plains. I squeezed my trapezius’ together and unfolded my wings and freed my claws once again from their lack of use. After I was prepared for flight I sat off on the wind for Marxxickist. I must of appeared as a gigantic demigod from the sky, as the few remaining retreated, exposing the general himself. Arriving in front of Marxxickist, I landed and furled my wings and extruded my claws from their positions inside my bony fingers.
“Good Evening, what does my guest require on this lovely night.” I said arrogantly to the new general.
“Some tea and crumpets would be nice, but what does a dead man really need on the eve of his fate.” said Marxxickist wearily to the titanic legend.
I peered down at the general and examined him, now up close. One critical detail I observed was, he lacked the brutish size I had gained over my years, being half my size was still large though.
“Do you wish to know what you're up against, boy?” I said to him.
Marxxickist choked up by saying, ”Sure”.
With that Mathgar flexed his masses of muscles and extended his wings. He then protruded his claws and horns and sprayed a immeasurably hot lava in a circle around him to demonstrate his power to Marxxickist. Surprised, the general decided it best to run away from the son of Niverine the Conqueror.
I boomed, “See you soon, cousin!”...

wdcarla
July 12th, 2014, 11:43 PM
It's an interesting story, with what seems to be dragons as humanoid. However. I think there's a couple of thing you could do to improve your story. I think the Pygarus' monologue at the beginning is way too long, something more straightforward would increase the tension and engage the reader more.

After Astarus makes his plea and his brother torture him anyway, ""No!" and with that..." is kind of useless, in my opinion. YOu could replace by something like, "Ignoring, his brother's supplication, Pygarus swiped the bone saw..."

“Apparently I was wrong all those years, calling you a spineless welp. Now, let’s see how brittle it is!”, said the now mad Pygarus. I would change said the now mad Pygarus, by said Pygarus overwhelmed by Madness.

Also, at times, you repeat the same word several time. The last moment between the brothers isn't very emotional even though he should be, I think you should rewrite it. All in all, I enjoyed your story, are you planning to post the next part? I hope that what I said helped you.

TheLamprey
July 13th, 2014, 01:48 AM
I really liked your very constructive criticism and found it helpful. I'll try my best to correct it and perfect my writing and this excerpt. Once the first chapter is re-written I do have plans to post it.

oggmeister
July 13th, 2014, 12:50 PM
I like where you're coming from here but a couple of places didn't resonate with me. I'd agree with wdcarla that the opening monologue seems a bit long for Pygarus to talk. It seems we're more inside the head of Pygarus or if it is a speech to Argarus, I'd think about breaking it up so that we get more grounded in the situation. Just knowing that he has Argarus on the chopping block would be useful here because on my first read, I wasn't sure who Pygarus was talking to until the last sentence.

Another part is that it sounds like Pygarus was able to remove Argarus' spine while still keeping him alive. Partially because you used human descriptions ("...rolled his swampy eyes into the back of his head, was curled in a fetal position..."), I was expecting him to be dead after the spine was removed. I'm guessing this is part of dragon biology that he is able to stay alive and be flogged with his own spine. So just a clarifying point somewhere in the description would make it work better for me.

My last suggestion is that during the flogging of Argarus, you mention it's in front of 100,00 weary soldiers. I'd do more with that because it helps set the stage for the act of killing and flogging his own brother which I think would contrast well with the personal goodbye. You could also use this to drop more hints as to the history here, not necessarily revealing it but giving us a little more than the opening monologue.

Hope this helps.
-Og

TheLamprey
July 13th, 2014, 09:52 PM
Thanks for the response oggmeister, I found your critique helpful and informative, and it adds to what wdcarla said.

TheLamprey
July 16th, 2014, 02:40 AM
The Battle of Yyngrigotl

Yyngrigotl

71,3,89

I paced in my fort upon the hill examining the chaos from afar, watching the young dai fight it out, mostly to the death. Then I observed him, the new general, Marxxickist, young spry and strong. He lead like no other I knew of risking his own life to aid his soldiers. Countless recruits did not heed the red robe that marked him as General of Moothgar’s armies, as they tossed themselves at a meat grinder.

“Arynthetti Mathgar, sir, a battalion of Daidou infantry has breached the lower defences, and we require your mighty gift to halt them.” said a scout to me.

“As must be done, recruit”.

I followed the dai to the lower levels of my fortification and found a gruesome battle in-progress. With one mighty roar I silenced both sides and stopped the fighting.

“LEAVE, NOW! Or I shall destroy you!” I said to the Daidou Infantry.

All but one left the hall after my titanous proclamation.

He yelled and ran at me, “Kill their treacherous king!”.

And as he charged, getting closer and closer, I grinned. Reaching out with my right claw, I snatched the whelp up and with one rigid fist, I crushed the insignificant soldier. Juicy red blood squeezed out of my hand as I gripped tighter. Feeling no more resistance I dropped him and began to strut from the example’s corpse, yet in peering back to observe my handiwork, I saw 3 daidou soldiers attempt to drag their comrade’s corpse from the hall.

“NOOOO!” As I screamed at them and whipped a gelatinous stream of lava at them. Yells for help came from the group of now drowned in magma soldiers. But no help did come for them, as my example of my raw power scared their comrades off.


I arrived back to my Obsidy’ite Throne to once again observer the now less populated fields of Yyngrigotl. Many had died, on both sides, as I was away. But one in particular remained, Marxxickist.

“Squire! Suit me up. I fly into battle within the hour.”

After acquiring my gear and armor, I opened the metal hatch to meet Moothgar’s leading general on the bloody plains. I squeezed my trapezius’ together and unfolded my wings and freed my claws once again from their lack of use. After I was prepared for flight I sat off on the wind for Marxxickist. I must of appeared as a gigantic demigod from the sky, as the few remaining retreated, exposing the general himself. Arriving in front of Marxxickist, I landed and furled my wings and extruded my claws from their positions inside my bony fingers.

“Good Evening, what does my guest require on this lovely night.” I said arrogantly to the new general.

“Some tea and crumpets would be nice, but what does a dead man really need on the eve of his fate.” said Marxxickist wearily to the titanic legend.

I peered down at the general and examined him, now up close. One critical detail I observed was, he lacked the brutish size I had gained over my years, being half my size was still large though.

“Do you wish to know what you're up against, boy?” I said to him.

Marxxickist choked up by saying, ”Sure”.

With that Mathgar flexed his masses of muscles and extended his wings. He then protruded his claws and horns and sprayed a immeasurably hot lava in a circle around him to demonstrate his power to Marxxickist. Surprised, the general decided it best to run away from the son of Niverine the Conqueror.

I boomed, “See you soon, cousin!”...

Added new section to Intro