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jecht12
July 10th, 2014, 12:57 AM
The following is something I wrote months ago and have yet to continue it. I plan to do more with it. Please criticize, give advice, and tell me what yall liked or didn't like. It's still a work in progress.




The Book of Artun

A millennia ago, the world fell into the core below. Fissures opened rifts in the land, and from it great fires. The land itself was scorched and barren and the oceans dried into dust. The cracks in the earth spread far and wide until the world itself collapsed, imploding upon itself. However, this occurred for only a moment, and the world stabilized. From the chaos that ensued, continents and scraps of land littered the skies of the planet, above and below. Hell itself shuddered in fear.

What known civilizations that strived were now obliterated by the planet. And so it was known as the Great Purge or the Cataclysm, nearly all life wiped out, except for a select few whom struggled to restart on the barren deserts. But even these few eventually succumbed to their own desires and destroyed themselves over resources and insanity of isolation upon the floating lands.

From the destruction, a great energy surged throughout the world; an energy that could be seen and felt, green in color and all powerful. This energy would be known as Fracture, powering the multitude of civilizations. Before the emergence of such energy, the lands lay waste throughout the world, and the surviving people eventually died. However, Fracture gave birth to a seedling, amidst a dry desert. The seedling sprouted from the earth without nutrients, and from the sprout came a single leaf. The leaf was small and fragile, and as the time came, it fell into the earth. And as it did the earth became an oasis of greenery and the sprout grew further and further into the heavens becoming a magnificent tree and as it did the green spread wild into the horizon.

Flowers and trees rampaged to the edge of the floating continent until a massive forest harbored the land. A great forest indeed, and in the middle stood a humongous tree that topped all and watched over the lands below it. The tree became known as Navin and the forest, the Myrk. Navin's roots were massive, stretching throughout the forest emanating a great energy, the life blood of a new world. The branches of Navin stretched far over adjacent lands and from it's leaves came the first signs of dew.

The dew of the leaves descended upon the earth, creating the first rains of the world. And as they fell, the water gave birth to great lakes and from these lakes, Navin spread his seed on to other lands. Water flowed off the edges of the islands onto lower lands and Navin's tall size covered the lands above. The water touched all of the lands to the north and the east, but Navin's presence did not extend to the south and west. And so the lands of the north and the east became abundant in foliage.

The lands of the north and east were beautiful and large. The land was less fractured than the rest and was scarce of anomalies. This was the sight of the first intelligent life of this new world. From the roots of Navin, he provided life, from his dew, he provided blood, from his bark, he provided skin, and from his leaves he provided warmth. These beings were birthed from the earth itself, from the roots of Navin and from Navin he gave the greatest gift of all, free will. The first of the beings to enter the world are known as the Artu, the first born, ten were created at the beginning.

The Artu were blessed with an attunement to fracture and a love for the nature. And with the coming of the Artu, Navin bared his first fruit. The fruit would become the life-blood of the Artu. The Artu gorged upon Navin's fruit and Navin praised their gluttony with glee, for he loved his children. Navin, did not wish to unleash his children upon the world until they were perfected in his view. And so Navin birthed the first animal from his bark; mighty stag, as brown as the trees surrounding and large in stature. Navin released the stag into the Myrk where they would survive, feeding upon the grass. Navin then commanded the Artu to fashion tools from his woods and from the earth to hunt these stag. To Navin's surprise, the Artu's ingenuity created tools of rock, and from these tools, spears were fashioned in great number.

Navin then commanded the Artu to hunt the stags amongst the forest. Many did not like this as they loved the nature and were afraid to kill another child of Navin, even if Navin had commanded it. But one changed the view of the rest. An Artu of stature and fair of skin stood out among the rest, with hair as green as Navin's great leaves and eyes as blue as the dew that lay upon them. The Artu's name was Asar, he was among the first to be born from Navin's roots, and he was the brightest of the Artu. Smart and charismatic, Asar used the free will given to him to persuade his people into following him into the hunt.

"The tree of life commandeth it," Asar spoke. "And we shall listen and praise the one whom cares for his children and think for the best of us, for our father has blessed us with the will to care for ourselves." As he spoke, many listened, and so did Navin. Navin was proud of Asar and praised him the most. Navin praised him so, that he instead only gave this task to Asar and entrusted with him to lead his people and teach them lessons given from Navin. "My people, we are the keepers of the earth so we must learn it, and that is what our father wishes of us, we must learn to survive on our own, for one day we will be released to the bowls of the world where even Navin's fruit cannot shelter us from the pains of hunger and Navin's dew cannot drench our dry throats. And so I say this, I will disappear into the wood, where I will hunt the stag and bring it back for a feast for our father." The people cheered at the might of his words and Asar left into the depths of the forest.

In the foreign wood, unexplored by the Artu, the stags feasted on the earth just as Navin commanded. Asar stalked in every direction, tracking signs of the stags. The forest was dense with trees but the Artu are attuned to the earth and Asar used his innate ability to find disturbances amongst the earthen soils. The Artu are one with earth, their life is from the earth. And so he spoke to the trees, and they spoke back, for they are the very first children of Navin and the brethren of the Artu. And finally he found the stags standing in an open clearing within the forest.

Four great beasts stood before Asar, three were clearly different from the fourth. Three were brown and tall, their nose black and their antlers gleaming from the sun above. The fourth was large and grey; the antlers were black as the night and his snout wet from the dew of the grass. He stood alert staring at Asar hiding in bushes; the other three ran off into the woods escaping. The grey stag bowed his head, antlers at the point. But Asar was the first to make the move. The stag stood its ground charging forth with his antlers and Asar with his spear.

The stag struck Asar in the abdomen, green fluid flowed from the wound and the first signs of pain were experienced. Asar cried out in agony as the stag released from the wound. "Oh what misery, the sting of such a beast is terrifying and awesome." Asar spoke delusionally at the first feeling of pain, Asar did not know how to feel of such a stimulus and he so he cried out in agony. Asar then gripped his spear in anger, for he wished for revenge for the transgression and they charged once more.
They clashed again, this time Asar blocked the incoming antlers with the spear. He pushed the stag away and thrust the point into the stag’s chest, a red fluid poured from the wound and the stag called out in pain and fell to its knees. Asar stood shocked at what he had done and felt sadness and pity for the stag. And so he dropped the spear and fell to his knees as well.

A voice called to Asar, telling him to wield the spear once. An intense feeling of righteousness filled him as he grabbed hold of the weapon and stood before the dying stag. With remorse, he plunged the spear into the heart, killing the beast instantaneously. But he did not win the battle unscathed as Asar suffered from an opened wound. Asar gripped his wound in pain once more "Father, I have done what you have asked, what would I do with the beast?" And Navin answered with a miracle.

Asar's wound healed and closed, and a great spirit rose from the carcass. However, it was not a stag but the spirit of an unknown creature seen by Asar. A winged animal with a beak and talons, and it spoke with the voice of Navin. "My son, the bidding I have given you has been fulfilled, you have learned many things and there are many yet to learn, another task lies before you still as you must learn to eat." And so the winged beast became an animal with four legs, sharp teeth and a large coat. The spirit was more fearsome than the stag. "You must learn to respect the animal in which you kill and only kill when needed, they are sacred to this world and therefore are to be treated as such." Asar sat with the stag and listened to Navin. Navin spoke of cleaning the carcass, a task to be done with the stone knife. Asar plunged his blade into the stag and began to clean the beast, removing the skin, cutting out the organs, and learning the various spots essential to the animal and the many parts that were edible.

"My son, you will lay your head in this grove and master the arts I will show you," Navin said. "First, you must construct what is known as fire, a destructive force which can shift the balance of nature, but reduced to a minuscule size, a savior for those lost." And so Navin walked into the wood and gathered sticks with his jaws and brought them before Asar and a larger fallen branch. "Now cut a sliver down this branch and take the blunt end of the stick, quickly move the stick to and fro." And so Asar listened and acted. Smoke rose from the branch and a fire was quickly started. Asar placed the sticks on the fire and watched as they burned. "They are like magnificent orange spirits dancing with one another," Asar said. "Aye, a beautiful yet terrible sight."

"Second," Navin spoke. "You must cook the meat taken from the stag and fully remove the hide from it." Taking a chunk that Asar cut from the back leg, he placed it on the fire. "Fire removes all impurities and is therefore mightiest of all powers. It is fearsome and spontaneous" Navin said. Asar sat and watched as the meat sizzled amongst the flames but he was not done. Asar took his knife and cut the hide from the flesh and laid the fur down on the grass. "You must create a stand to tan the skin so that is may be used." Navin said. Asar walked into the wood and gathered large sticks. Asar returned and constructed a stand to which he would place the hide. "Now submerge the skin in water for the night," Navin pointed his snout towards the blue spring just near the camp. Asar returned to the fire after submerging the hide and continued to stare at the meat, charred. "The skin is to be removed in the morrow and the fats removed from it with the knife, there it can be used as warmth."

The meat cooled out of the fire and Asar took his first bite. He sat in amazement of the many flavors, from the stag and from the char of the fire itself. Navin left no time for enjoyment however and he spoke once more. "The third lesson, in which I will teach you, is the lesson of fear." And that was all he said before the night fell over the Myrk and the spirit of Navin disappeared. Unearthly sounds emanated from the forest. An ominous wind blew the flames light until it dwindled. All light that remained was from the celestial bodies above, the stars and neighboring worlds, large and bewildering. They were magnificent but a prescence disturbed Asar. Creaking and gnawing and growls from the forest, never heard by Asar frightened him into grabbing his spear. Curiously enough he wandered into the darkness of the Myrk, only to lose himself.

Asar wandered in but as he looked back, he saw no grove nor did he see the night sky as he looked up. He was alone in the dark, and lost within the chasms of the Myrk. Asar attempted to speak to the trees, but they were all asleep. He attempted to listen to the earth, but sounds were cluttered with hundreds of incoherent noise. Asar described it as "a thick veil of gloom, where every step could mean certain insanity." Asar looked in all directions for means of guidance from his father, but none appeared. Asar panicked and he took off sprinting in a random direction, not looking back to the darkness behind him. But where ever he ran, he could not escape the grasp of the Myrk's embrace.

Asar stopped, pausing his own thoughts and returned to his senses lost to the darkness. He closed his eyes and focused on nothing. He heard nothing, spoke nothing and saw nothing. Asar pondered on his father's words, "What is fear?" He asked himself. "Is it the darkness? The feeling of alone? Or is it the unknown?" And as Asar pondered, he understood fear, he understood it was natural and although unnerving, Asar learned his lesson. Asar turned back, and opened his eyes and walked into the darkness from whence he came but no darkness was found. Asar came to the grove from where he first began his descent and sighed with a great relief. "Return to me after the night is up," a voice called towards Asar.

The next morning came quick and as the sun reached the horizon of the trees, Asar went to retrieve the hide from the spring. Soaked and soft, he posted it on the wooden stand and took the knife, removing all the excess refuse that stuck to the hide. The sun rose up above the trees as Asar finished tanning and set the hide out to dry in the sunlight. As a show of respect, Asar took the remains of the stag’s carcass and buried them near the spring, placing the antlers in the ground as a sign of a burial.

Asar took with him, his spear, knife, and hide and trudged back through the Myrk to his father. Returning, he was hailed by the rest of the Artu, but most of all by Stellari, the most beautiful of the Artu. Eight wished to know of his trials and his stories of the unknown woods and the hunting of the stags. But one stood out among the rest, the first signs of jealousy were bestowed upon the world. Resg, the true first born of the Artu, stood at the back of the rest, ignoring Asar's presence. Asar, ignorant of the resentment by Resg, reassured them that he would teach them the lessons he had learned in due time. First, Asar went to speak with his father.

"Father, I have returned. And I bring the gift of your knowledge upon the Artu." "That is good my son, for I have more news for you." Navin spoke excitingly. "I will bring upon this land, a second generation of Artu from which will be led by your guidance. You are my most proud creation and soon you will no longer need me and you will set your sights alone with your people on a larger and far greater world than the Myrk. The Artu will protect all good of this planet under your care." Shocked by his father's words, Asar stood silent. "Surely there is someone greater than I, what of Resg? Is he not your first born?" "Resg is not worthy of your status, Asar. Resg's feelings will jeopardize all that I have created." Asar did not understand, but he accepted his father's wisdom and accepted the role as the King of the Artun, the leader of the first beings of the first era of the reborn world.

RBRich
July 12th, 2014, 04:09 AM
What I liked
I love how you made some new form of energy produced by this implosion called ‘Fracture’. That’s some cool world building right there, jecht12. Speaking of world building, it looks as if you’ve done quite a bit of it for this, am I right? If you haven’t, you have an incredibly stable imagination. My imagination is so wild, if I don’t write it down when I think of it, I forget.

I get a native american vibe off these Artu, such as respecting animals and only killing them when they need to. Neat.

It's pretty awesome, the world you've built I mean, I think this could turn out to be a pretty sweet fantasy.


Constructive Feedback
This isn’t in any particular order
The world you’ve created seems interesting, but having it implode and still be somewhat intact doesn’t make much sense to me. I’ve watched and read enough (by enough I mean I’m obsessed) science fiction to know that when a planet implodes it ceases to exist. It’ll collapse in itself until it finally explodes, sending debris everywhere. I think for the sake of clarity, maybe this world of yours should be sundered instead of imploded. I think imploding gives the wrong idea here.

“The tree became known as Navin and the forest, the Myrk.” There should be a coma after Navin, as you’ve just stated a name.

“The lands of the north and east were beautiful and large. The land was less fractured than the rest and was scarce of anomalies. This was the sight of the first intelligent life of this new world.” This passage here seems a little fragmented, too many short sentences strung together without commas broke the flow, in my opinion. Try and play around with this a little more, add a comma, put an and in there to lengthen it out a bit more.

“ten were created at the beginning” Created how? Why? by what? If those are questions that are answered later on that’s cool, but just saying that ten were created is a little vague.

“Oh what misery, the sting of such a beast is terrifying and awesome.” This sounded a little forced, would he really be speaking to himself after being stabbed?

“You must cook the meat taken from the stag and fully remove the hide from it.” This feels a little strange, I think you should reorganize that bit of dialogue. Removing the hide and then cooking it makes more sense to me. You go further to suggest that the carcass is above a flame before he removes the hide. I’ve done some hunting in my time, and if the carcass was above the flame with it’s fur still there, it’d burn right off as quickly as our hair does when exposed to flame.

“removing all the excess refuse that stuck to the hide.” I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here.

One last thing, the dialogue at the end should be split up. Every time someone new speaks, there should be a new line.

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I like this so far. I'd totally read more if you posted it.

jecht12
July 12th, 2014, 04:50 AM
Thank you very much. I actually spent a lot of time creating this world although it was intended for a different story with many races and lands which this story will actually lead into. The world is more vast than what you think, it was inspired by Tolkien's Middle Earth but there's no connection or relationship between the two. I'll be sure to make revisions and I'll post more in the future. If you want to know more of the actual world and the original concept, I can't post it.