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Rojack79
June 29th, 2014, 05:54 PM
Just skip this one and go to The post that say's Project Hyperion.

Deafmute
June 29th, 2014, 06:01 PM
of history and now had made it.

of history, and now he had made it.


For in the vast arctic waste’s he had found what

For in the vast arctic waste's, he had found what


what scientist’s were searching for since the beginning of creation

what scientist's had been searching for since the


Overall all I like it. Its to early to judge much seeing as its only one paragraph, but the voice its written in is good, professional and clean. Hope it keeps going well.

Rojack79
June 29th, 2014, 06:37 PM
Yup i want it to sound Professional, and i was hoping to be able to eventually post the whole book on here as i write it.

gamblingworld
June 29th, 2014, 07:06 PM
Hey, the writing is clear so overall I say go for it. :)

Now what I would suggest is to really think about the phrases you use, its what will separate your work from the crowd.

For me 'alter the course of history' is a bad phrase for the following reasons:

1. Its a cliche line.
2. What does it really mean? Its an unclear way to describe 'changing our understanding of history' which is what it is mainly used for; history's course hasn't really changed at all, just our perception of it. I think this phase should only really come out if your character built a time machine.
3. Its our first insight into Dr Grear's character- it sets our first impression of him. Don't make his first impression be a fuzzy cliche.

So think of an alternative, one that sounds freshers, is clearer and gives us a little more insight into your character than, he is a scientist looking for a breakthrough. I'm sure he is, but there must be a way to distinguish him a little more.

Rojack79
June 29th, 2014, 07:13 PM
Ok then i will throw up a revised version soon. I didn't want Dr Grear to be a main character so that's why i left him bland. But now that i have a way of making him into a Main i think i'll expand on him a little more.

gamblingworld
June 29th, 2014, 07:25 PM
I'd say if something is bland don't include it at all. Anyway just something to think about! Good luck!

InspektorF
June 29th, 2014, 11:11 PM
It's got my interest piqued. I would keep reading just to see what happens next.

Rojack79
June 30th, 2014, 02:24 AM
Well after i revise the prologue ill upload the entire thing one chapter at a time on here.

Micholeon
June 30th, 2014, 04:43 AM
Apostrophes do not make words plural. So it's "scientists," not "scientist's." And "wasteland," not "waste's."

Also, the "missing link" isn't what jump-started evolution. The missing link is a missing step between cave men and current homo sapiens.

Pandora
June 30th, 2014, 01:36 PM
I like Rojack, I'll enjoy reading as you post, thank you for sharing with us.

zenor
July 1st, 2014, 07:37 PM
The missing link? This really caught my interest.

Rojack79
July 1st, 2014, 08:08 PM
Ya but i messed up with this one. I'm going to be doing a new prologue that i'll have up along with the first chapter of my book.

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Being Revised.

jerich100
July 2nd, 2014, 12:17 AM
Some thoughts. Some are miniscule, such as the first one.

Start with, “The doctor...” rather than saying his name to be more mysterious and to engender interest.

Writing the word “fascination” is a greater issue because we are supposed to be writers, not summarizers. You are not writing a police report. Describe “fascinated”, “happy”, “mad”, or “joyful” people without using those words. It’s much more difficult that way, but it comes across more professional, artsy, and colorful.

Does “Etched” imply permanent, as in etched in stone? Hmm.

“He had waited his whole life to make a discovery that would alter the course of history and now had made it.” Again, a rich, full paragraph or two saying such would be better than a plain sentence. Also, by making it more like a painting rather than a nameplate (metaphorically), also postpones the reader’s understanding a little, increasing suspense and other emotions. Readers need a certain amount of time for things to sink in. If someone dies, for example, give him a paragraph or two at least, not a sentence.

All this makes us work harder, and who wants that? But I think it’s necessary for our work to be famous, etc., which is I think what you want.

*** Sorry, I wrote this before seeing your revised prolugue.

Rojack79
July 6th, 2014, 11:03 PM
Being revised.

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Ok now i'm going to need your help everybody. I'm still going to keep on writing this story. But i want to make this story different from every other book out there. I want your input on some decision's that i make. Like in the next chapter i have a plan on introducing several character's from Norse and Greek mythology and i would like your vote on which one you would like to see put in. Here is a list of character's. P.S. I am taking a grate amount of creative licence here with certain character's such character's will have a * symbol next to them. P.S.S. By great creative licence i mean changing some major thing's about them.

List: Here is a list of the character's that will eventually be put in my book. I just want your vote's on which one you would like to see.

Hercules,

Loki,*

Thor,*

Zeus,

Fenris,*

Hades,

That is not the full extent of the list but that's all for now. Happy Voting!!!

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Being Revised.

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And here's a sneak peek of chapter 3. Chapter 3: Wrong Place, Right Time. yup that's it.

John Galt
July 13th, 2014, 11:01 PM
I read until the Project Hyperion (which, by the way, references Greek mythology suitably as he (He? Wouldn't want to offend the believers of Greek mythology) was the father of the sun) so forgive me if I've made any errors.
"The missing link" always felt inherently cliche, or perhaps I've watched too many bad movies. However, I like the direction in which you're taking it.
I like the character Loki as he is portrayed in Norse mythology (cunning), but note that he's also the father of Jormungandr (forgive a possible spelling error), Fenrir and a woman that guards the underworld (her name is Hel, if memory serves). He is also the mother (yes, mother) of a horse. Point being, I don't know how close you want to get to Norse/Greek mythology. The Greek gods had 'intimate relations' with many humans/animals, so be wary of how far into the mythology you want to go.

Rojack79
July 14th, 2014, 07:31 PM
well i decided to scrap the first prologue. So just start with Project Hyperion and go from there.

JStoudt
July 15th, 2014, 03:31 AM
I like the concept so far after reading up to the first chapter. I'm a new writer as well so I'm looking forward to following this thread to see some of the advice. The only real advice I've received so far that I'll pass on is to always show and not tell. Instead of telling us someone has 'a look of pure terror on his face' it might sound better to readers to describe his wide eyes or gaping mouth. Anyways, keep on writing! I want to see where this goes.

Rojack79
July 15th, 2014, 03:48 AM
ya that is one thing ive been trying to work on is to "show" and not "tell". Hopefully i can get the whole thing done and not completely ruin it.

Caragula
July 15th, 2014, 08:14 AM
Apart from the apostrophe use, which is killing me ;) I have to say I don't agree with the 'you vote for the characters' approach. It makes me think you don't have a good plot thought out, or, that they are interchangeable with regard to it. The advice regarding show not tell is good. You have so much opportunity in the story to show more, to get at the particulars to make the story come to life a bit.

Rojack79
July 15th, 2014, 05:52 PM
the voting thing is just something i threw out there for the people who read the story. I have the whole series thought out already so it wont make much of an impact. And the apostrophe's. (Oh god the apostrophe's!) sorry for all of those.

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you know maybe i should just get a ghost writer to write my story.

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why cant i find my story?

Boofy
September 5th, 2015, 11:02 PM
Go to settings, select "Show all subscribed threads" and then click CTRL + F on your keyboard. It'll bring up a search box. Type in the title and press enter to find it. That's what I do! Now, to cat nap.