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Deafmute
June 29th, 2014, 04:34 PM
This is the second chapter of my fantasy horror novel. Let me know what you think. First chapter is located here http://www.writingforums.com/threads/148503-Death-Throes

Death Throes Triliogy
Book 1 Abandon All Hope Chapter 2: Facing Your Demons

CRAAAACK!!!!!!!! The deafening roar woke Ian from a deep sleep in an instant. The pain of sudden consciousness played cruel tricks on his faltering grasp of reality, for a moment he reached to his side grabbing for the alarm clock that had sat next to his bed before all this. He stopped himself midway through the reflex gesture as his mind begrudgingly flooded back to him the truth of where he was.


Gently he lifted Liv's head from his shoulder, setting it back down onto a torn up shirt. The tingle of a thousand needles shot through his arm as he massaged it. Working life back into the sleeping limb, Ian stood and returned to his lookout at the front of the church. Peering through the broken glass he saw movement.


The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end when his eyes managed to make out the scene unfolding in the valley below the church. A lone girl running for her life from a pair of monsters. Mind racing, he threw open the doors and dashed out of the church, sprinting to the edge of the hill overlooking where the girl still fled for her life.


An instant later a dozen others from the church followed after him. The tall man from the night before, cursed loudly, "What the hell are you doing kid? You are going to get us all killed." he stopped as his vision shifted to see the girl in the valley. "Holy, shit..."


"We have to help her!" A woman cried, "she's only a girl."


"What do you want us to do!" Another woman retorted harshly. " Everyone in that church could charge down there and it would just give those things more to eat." The first woman's eyes sank downwards.


Another second passed, the end of this grisly scene was becoming gravely obvious. Ian's hands trembled, he didn't even realize that he had reached down and was now grasping the hunting knife at his belt.


The girl in the valley stumbled, barely pulling her foot out of a mud patch, before the spiked demon slammed down a gruesome fist into the mud where she stood a moment earlier. Ian's feet seemed to move on their own. Shouts of protest failed to reach him as his mind blurred the truth of what was happening. He was down the hill before he knew what he was doing, still no inkling of a plan reached his mind.


The girl's eyes were pure fear, her face pleaded for help. Ian could only assume his eyes held the same expression as he looked upon the monsters from this range. Brandishing his small knife he stood between them and the girl.


It was a pathetic display to say the least, and the demons seemed to relish it. Slowly they stopped only a few feet away, the obese demon's enormous belly shook rippling sickeningly as a low guttural laugh emerged. The spiked demon leaned forwards its head hovering inches away from Ian's knife, a long snake like tongue flicked out running along the blade drawing its own blood before sliding back into the open maw.


"Thank you." the girl whispered from behind Ian. "I am sorry you got into this, but thank you. I don't want to be alone..."


The girl sobbed, and the sound filled Ian with anger. "WELL?! GET ON WITH IT!" He screamed defiantly. The two abominations paused for a moment considering the flea of a boy in front of them. With a swat of its hand the fat one flung Ian across the field, turning him head over heels several times as he tumbled, landing face down in a pool of muddy water.


Ignoring him they stepped closer to the girl, but Ian picked himself up and flung the knife at the creature that had struck him. The blade nicked it's shoulder before falling harmlessly to the ground. Turning again towards him it stomped away from the girl leaving her to it's companion.


The spiked demon lunged forward grasping the girl with its left hand the barbs stuck deep and blood flowed freely from the wounds, as the girl screamed in pain. With its other hand it gingerly ran a finger down her cheek drawing a line from the corner of her eye to her chin, like a tear streak of blood.


The walking pile of lard in front of Ian edged closer, the horrible grin on its stomach sending chills down his spine. Ian kicked at the ground, flailing to get enough footing in the slick mud, to push himself away from the monster.


Without warning the ground rumbled. It was little more than a tremble at first but in seconds the vibrations felt like they would shake the teeth right out of Ian's skull. Fissures began to form, the earth cracking like an iced lake under too much weight.


The demon holding Rayne staggered backwards dropping her as the ground beneath its feet began to give way. Clutching her arm she ran struggling to keep her footing in the midst of the chaos. Ian dodged around his own opponent grabbing Rayne's hand and leading her quickly up the hill.


The church was in pandemonium. The refugees climbed over each other to escape the building as the windows shattered and the beams groaned menacingly. Ian's eyes skimmed the fleeing people searching madly for some sign of his sister.


A sudden jerk of his hand pulled his gaze back behind him, "THEY ARE COMING!" Rayne shouted pointed at the two monsters who had gathered themselves and continued their pursuit.


Rayne wrenched at Ian trying to pull him away from the church, but he resisted. "My sister!" He tried to explain in anguish. Rayne bit her lip in worry, before finally nodding her head. Together they dove into the crumbling building fighting against the swarm of people still trying to get out.


"LIV!" Ian shouted. " OLIVIA!" he spun around scouring the sanctuary where he had left her to no avail. Ian's mind reeled DAMMIT WHERE IS SHE!?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Liv struggled to keep still as her older brother slipped out from under her head. She kept her eyes closed and pretended she was still asleep till she was sure he wasn't looking. Peeking out from barely open lids she watched him walk back to his place by the stained glass window.


She had always loved her brother. Maybe even more than she had loved their dad. Of course after their mom had died, their dad had done his best to keep them going as a family. He had worked to make sure they always had a roof over their head and a hot meal for dinner, but he had never been very good at the little things.


He never tucked her in at night, or told her bedtime stories. He couldn't have, working late most nights it was rare for him to be home before she went to sleep. On his days off he would usually pass out in front of the TV, exhausted. She didn't blame him for it, besides she had Ian.


Ian would tuck her in, get her ready for school, and come to her soft ball games. When he had turned sixteen he drove her to the mall and to movies. He always had time for her. Even if it meant not having time for himself.


When Dad had gotten sick with the new flu, Ian had taken care of her. He had held her as she cried when Dad died. He had always been there. As far as she was concerned he always would be there. Ian would always protect her.


She was scared though. Even knowing Ian was there. She was scared that they would never be happy again. That Ian would never smile again. She didn't know when the tears would stop. Everyone was crying, so she cried too. She didn't know what else to do, when surrounded by so much sadness. She didn't understand what was happening. Why the storm clouds wouldn't go away. She missed the stars.


Standing up, she decided to explore the church. A 7 year old like Liv tired quickly of sitting around. They had been cooped up for days and she was ready to do something. Riffling through their bags she pulled out a flashlight. When they had gone into the food bank the night before, the young girl had seen stairs leading to a basement, and she decided to start her exploration there.

It was dark down those stairs. The flashlight beam barely dented the blackness. Each step creaked loudly as the old wood groaned even under her minuscule weight. As she finally reached the bottom her eyes filled with wonder. The old basement was full of junk, old costumes, props, and Sunday school teaching tools. It was a 7 year old's treasure trove.


The young girl smiled broadly as she tore into the clothing rack. She put on a dress, many times to big, digging through boxes she found a pair of high heels and a wig full of golden curls. Clad in her new attire, she paraded around the dimly lit room. Giggling like a normal little girl... giggling like hell hadn't broken loose in the world outside.


Faint noises caught her attention from outside the basement door over her head, causing her to pause for a moment. She strained her ears trying to make out what was causing the commotion. Then she felt it. The shaking ground. Boxes and old broken furniture shifted and fell all around her. Screaming she ran dropping her flashlight onto the ground. As it hit the floor the light went out. Alone in the dark basement suddenly Liv was terrified. Tears streaming down her face she groped in the darkness debris from above sprinkled over her, a big piece smacked her hard on the leg bruising darkly in a second.


She managed to hobble into a corner, and cover her head. "Ian..." she whimpered. "Where are you?"

InspektorF
June 29th, 2014, 11:08 PM
Here are some things I noticed:

"begrudgingly flooded back to him the truth of where he was." I'm not sure about this line. It might work better if it was reworded a little.

"where the girl still fled for her life." I think the word 'still' could be omitted here. The reader will probably understand that she is still running away from the monsters at this point.

"He was down the hill before he knew what he was doing, still no inkling of a plan reached his mind." This could be two sentences.

"The girl's eyes were pure fear, her face pleaded for help." As could this.

"Ian's eyes skimmed the fleeing people, searching madly for some sign of his sister." Inserted a comma.

" ....Rayne shouted, point(ing) at the two monsters who had gathered themselves and continued their pursuit." Inserted a comma and 'ing' instead of 'ed'

"Screaming, she ran dropping her flashlight onto the ground." Inserted a comma.

Action packed and filled great visuals. I am really enjoying this story.

Deafmute
June 29th, 2014, 11:21 PM
Thanks I appreciate the comments, will definitely go back and make those edits.

jerich100
July 1st, 2014, 04:46 PM
Recommend replacing the first word with a more general description of the sound. “Crack” by itself is sort of “short-cut” sounding. As writers, we are supposed to write colorfully and richly, not provide a only summary word.

Would he reach for his alarm clock if it weren’t ringing, or would he just look at the time on the clock? Consider changing the end of the first paragraph to, “the truth of his condition.”—mostly because I “think” it’s not okay to end a sentence with “was”. And, it’s more mysterious.

Delete almost all adverbs, such as “Gently” at the front of the first paragraph. Find some other more artsy say of saying it. The phrase, “Working life back into the sleeping limb” is redundant with the phrase before it, is it not?

Try deleting all adverbs and then re-read your story. It is likely it will read just as well, and will allow more freedom for the reader to imagine details in his/her own way. It’s less condescending that way. The reader wants to imagine instead of being micromanaged.

“The hairs on the back...” is severely cliché, in my opinion. “From a pair of monsters” seems understated to me. Good monsters? Bad monsters? Big monsters? It’s like saying, “Honey, everyone in New York died this morning. What’s for breakfast?” There’s something missing....

“An instant later” is not necessary, IMO. I believe the reader will assume that.

Why did he run out to the church to save the girl, and leave his younger sister, Liv, in the bedroom unprotected? This makes me think less of Ian—either he’s a novice or he’s careless. Either is a reasonable excuse for someone who has no experience in such horrible conditions. But it would be good to know so readers don’t think Ian is a jerk or a playboy or an idiot.

In general, what happens to me is the metaphor of the gardener: he prunes back the plant to where it’s nearly unrecognizable. Then it grows back. Then he prunes back again. Eventually it’s a beautiful plant. You’re going to have to keep cutting out, letting new words re-grow, then cut out again (deeply), over and over until the rich, deep, beautiful words remain.

I hope this helps.

Greimour
July 2nd, 2014, 05:11 AM
I keep coming back to this without commenting. I expect I will come back to it again, but would like to say that I agree with some of the opinions posted.

I don't personally think there is too much wrong with adverbs, but there are definitely some you should drop.

There are some sections where I am left wondering about the word usage.
For example:


The girls eyes were pure white, her face pleaded for help.

To me, I first wondered about tense. If her eyes 'were' pure white, wouldn't her face have been 'pleading' for help?
Pleaded is past tense and the entire thing is past tense... but 'were' is already stating past tense so 'pleading for help' only continues the statement of something that happened at the time being spoken of.

There is a few instances of that within. Another example would be:

It was dark down those stairs. The flashlight barely dented the darkness.

Past tense is already clarified, so wouldn't it be equally acceptable to have that as one sentence with 'denting'?
It was dark down those stairs - the flashlight barely denting the darkness.

I slip with past tenses far more often than I care to admit but I think it would be right to say that doing so is fine. Personally, I would reword many of those sentences anyway. Perhaps removing 'It was dark down those stairs' would be sufficient. 'The flashlight barely dented the darkness' would then be just fine and already tells of the darkness below without the unnecessary statement that preceded it.

The use of CRAAACK along with the exclamation points excessive use is also something that should be cleaned up. I don't think a crack would be considered a deafening roar either. A deafening sound, yes, but a roar? No.

Anyway, will prob come back to this again at some point and go through it in a manner similar to how I did chapter one.


~Kev.

Deafmute
July 4th, 2014, 03:53 AM
thanks appreciate the comments, Definitely will go back and take a look at those issues. The tense usage I can definitely see, as well as that first word.

The first word is a bit of a sticking point. Its a mirror of the last work of the chapter before this. So using a single word description as a transition device is something I really want to keep. I can drop the extra punctuation, and all that but if I have to change the word itself I need to be able to change it something that can be mirrored in the ending of the first chapter. Preferable something short and memorable. any suggestions would be welcome if you think this word usage doesn't work.

Greimour
July 7th, 2014, 04:56 PM
The first word is a bit of a sticking point. Its a mirror of the last work of the chapter before this. So using a single word description as a transition device is something I really want to keep. I can drop the extra punctuation, and all that but if I have to change the word itself I need to be able to change it something that can be mirrored in the ending of the first chapter. Preferable something short and memorable. any suggestions would be welcome if you think this word usage doesn't work.

Realizing I still haven't come to give a full run down on this piece made me feel a little guilty, but I feel the changes that follow chapter one will cause a natural change in this chapter - due to the flow, tempo, voice etc... like if you went back in time and changed something it would change the future - so does changing how something is written in the beginning change how it is written at the end. For that reason, it seems that to do an identical run down is pointless. The issues in this chapter are few and most of them are the same as issues in the first. Once addressed it is only then that a real second review can take place.

As for the sticking point and reason I quoted you;


CRAAAACK!!!!!!!!! A sudden flash streaked across Rayne's vision followed by a deafening clap of thunder. Rayne shrieked at the sudden strike, clapping her hands over her mouth a second after it left her lips. The two monsters froze, turning slowing to look towards her. The bloodshot eyes of the spiked demon locked with hers and she knew they saw her. Tearing herself from the mud she ran with everything she had.

A flash streaked across Raynes vision promptly followed by a deafening clap of thunder. [and continue - this just an example that i will explain after the next bit]


The deafening roar woke Ian from a deep sleep in an instant. The pain of sudden consciousness played cruel tricks on his faltering grasp of reality, for a moment he reached to his side grabbing for the alarm clock that had sat next to his bed before all this. He stopped himself midway through the reflex gesture as his mind begrudgingly flooded back to him the truth of where he was.

Ian shot bolt upright from his restless sleep as the heavens roared at the world below. Tinkling of glass landing around him sounded almost musical in the strange silence that followed the booming thunder. To Ian, the glass appeared almost like falling snow. Almost magical yet somehow deadly in it's beauty. It was only when all the glass had finished falling and people started screaming did he regain his senses. The thunder's malevolent roar at the world had shattered the [and on...]

[Now the explanation,]

In the end of chapter one you have Rayne acknowledging the thunder - both sight and sound.
In the next part, you simply need to accredit the smash of glass/mirror to the thunders boom. Or have Ian acknowledge the thunderclap as well as the scenario he is now facing. Having two people acknowledge thunder one after the other - in different places - will have the reader automatically assume it is the same flash of thunder. Any given word or phrase is not really necessary. All that is necessary is painting the two scenes as happening simultaneously.

My examples were just to give a loose example of what I suggest in the explanation. How it unfolds is ultimately up to you, but as you have seen in the replies, use of something like 'CRAACK!' or 'BOOM!' or anything akin to either, is largely frowned upon by other writers. As a reader, I would likely just accept it and move on, but I would also acknowledge the fact that the writer could have been a little more inventive with his/her wordsmanship. (pun on swordsmanship - the pen is mightier than the sword, after all.)

P.S. I am a fan of multiple perspectives and I kind of like Rayne right now so reading her escape is and adventure is something I am half waiting for.

Whatever you decide to do with this piece in your edits and revisions, I am still going to read it - so - discarding the critic, you still have a reader supporting the development of this story. ^_^


Regards,


~Kev.

Deafmute
July 7th, 2014, 05:13 PM
@ greimour Thanks that clears up a bit on a good way to see about replacing that word. I will have to go in and craft something more descriptive and less staccato.

you bring up this chapter has similar issues to the first. In the first chapter there was issues with me going into a lot of unnecessary flashbacks to set the scene and I didn't spend enough time moving the story forward. I am hoping this scene suffers less from that. The rest of the story should flow more along a pace closer to this, Is the pacing here better, I use a lot of poetic description throughout and I feel it makes the scene more vibrant, but I am curious if you guys are readers feel like its jut taking you out of the story or stuff that you just glaze over. Do you need more dialogue? more active narration? Or does this chapter aside from a few the direct comments here feel like a better pace that you could maintain throughout the rest of the story.

Greimour
July 7th, 2014, 05:39 PM
you bring up this chapter has similar issues to the first. In the first chapter there was issues with me going into a lot of unnecessary flashbacks to set the scene and I didn't spend enough time moving the story forward. I am hoping this scene suffers less from that

This is what I meant by addressing the first chapter changes the perspective of this chapter.

Take for example this:

She had always loved her brother. Maybe even more than she had loved their dad. Of course after their mom had died, their dad had done his best to keep them going as a family. He had worked to make sure they always had a roof over their head and a hot meal for dinner, but he had never been very good at the little things.


He never tucked her in at night, or told her bedtime stories. He couldn't have, working late most nights it was rare for him to be home before she went to sleep. On his days off he would usually pass out in front of the TV, exhausted. She didn't blame him for it, besides she had Ian.


Ian would tuck her in, get her ready for school, and come to her soft ball games. When he had turned sixteen he drove her to the mall and to movies. He always had time for her. Even if it meant not having time for himself.


When Dad had gotten sick with the new flu, Ian had taken care of her. He had held her as she cried when Dad died. He had always been there. As far as she was concerned he always would be there. Ian would always protect her.

That entire section was not progressing the story. It did a good job of emphasizing her bond with Ian but mostly it reflected on the lack of bond with the father. Additionally, parts of it were covered in chapter one and this only reiterated what has already been stated. Changes in chapter 1 could automatically change part of this comment and view. By this time, it may be the bond of Ian and his sister that we need to see. We may need to know the distance felt toward the father. That all depends on chapter one. Additionally, as it stands, this only further attracts attention to the flashbacks of chapter one.

In summary, this chapter does progress better than the first with less of the issues noted in chapter with less instances of the reader being pushed out of the story. In fact it is a lot easier to stay in the story at this point. Still... changes to chapter one could ultimately change the opinion of that entire section without changing that section at all.

Get what I mean? What precedes this section is what creates the opinion. Things being changed before this section changes the interpretation of this section.

Ultimately, changing the past changes the future.
Hope that cleared up some of what I was saying.


The walking pile of lard in front of Ian edged closer, the horrible grin on its stomach sending chills down his spine. Ian kicked at the ground, flailing to get enough footing in the slick mud, to push himself away from the monster.

In that quote, the comma after mud is not necessary. It is something I catch myself doing a lot. Writing based on thought process or speech patterns. Read it out loud as if it's your first time reading it and then do the same again without the comma. Play with how you read it... might be you come to the same conclusion.

Still, even comments on things like that may not be necessary at this point.

Let's say for example after making edits you come to a revelation that makes you think a rewriting chapter 1 from scratch is the best course of action. Once done, you realize that chapter two no longer flows right after chapter 1, so you rewrite that too... at this point, you may no longer write the scene the way you did.

This is also why I said that doing a run down on this piece is partially pointless. It entirely depends on what (if any) changes you make to chapter 1. That in turn will ultimately decide what (if any) changes may (or may not) need to be carried out.


~Kev

[EDIT]

After thought - there are still some repetitions in the writing. Reading 'the demon' and 'the spiked demon' all the time is a little wearing. Less instances of name overuse but repetition of same phrases, words and terms is still a little heavy in my opinion. Though that opinion may not be shared - and as always, it is all up to you to decide where that balance is or should be.

At the end of the day, we each craft our own art - as art, the opinions of those viewing it will not always be the same and will not always match the creators. As the creator of said art, you have to be the one satisfied with its moulding.

Deafmute
July 7th, 2014, 07:41 PM
Thanks again Greimour, I really try hard not to be repetitive I make a conscious effort to use a different noun as often as possible, I struggle though when describing things like this. There is no good word and as they are unnamed monsters I am forced to differentiate them by their defining features. Thus the spiked demon, becomes a psuedo-name. I hate doing it but have the hardest time coming up with a way to get around it. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

as to the rest. I agree. Chapter 1 will ultimately be largely rewritten... again. But hopefully it will be better this time instead of worse. I would have to say that I would plan on it leaving off in the same place so that this chapter was not changed so much.

You mention that the description of a bond with Ian in this chapter could be redundant, but because their relationship is one of the focal points of the story I really kind of want it to be reiterated. Their close bond will be brought up in many different ways throughout the story. It absolutely has to be. So with that in mind, is there a way to emphasize their relationship and allow for these sorts of memories and character development without it being something that you feel takes the reader out of the flow of the story?

Greimour
July 7th, 2014, 08:18 PM
Their close bond will be brought up in many different ways throughout the story. It absolutely has to be. So with that in mind, is there a way to emphasize their relationship and allow for these sorts of memories and character development without it being something that you feel takes the reader out of the flow of the story?

There most definitely is and the ways are many.

As examples, you have mentioned in this chapter (as I think also in the first if I remember rightly) of Ian tucking her in to bed when they were young. In a scene where Liv is injured and medicated/sedated - she could mistake his bedside manner and tucking her in as a memory. Or forget her age and experiences briefly and think it was five years earlier when she was in bed with a cold.
In that scene, you could fully use Ian's perspective of tucking her in, worrying over her, tending to her... then in a following paragraph have a perspective switch where Liv is worried about missing school but thankful her brother is there looking after her. Following her thought process, you conclude it with her coming to her senses and realizing the time, place and situation...

Another could be a confrontation with their father, if he still lives... where he tried to order Live and she blatantly refuses. "Who are you? Surely you don't think your seed gives you power over me? The only one with the right to order me around, if anyone, would be Ian. The one who looked after me my entire life!"

If the father is not around, the situation can still manifest itself.
"What would your father think?"
"I don't know... but I wouldn't care anyway. He wasn't around much so what business is it of his? The only one who has any right to pass judgement on me is Ian."

An old fashioned boy seeking permission to date Liv could want to ask for permission - in such a situation she (or someone else) would advise him to speak to Ian.

***

Point is, you don't need flashbacks or memories or long descriptive narrative. Small things will thread and weave together for bonds far stronger than a couple of paragraphs reiterated throughout the story. For every situation they encounter as siblings can strengthen and emphasize their bond. No words or pretty thoughts and emotions.. just actions. Understanding between the two without communication other than body language or 'a look'.

You don't have to emphasize a lack of father either. Imagine three chapters in you haven't addressed the issue and someone asks Ian.
"How did you end up traveling with these people." (vague because depends on the scenario/setting)
Ian then goes on to say how he ended up with most of them, such as saving Rayne from a Spiked-Demon back when everything first turned to crap.
"What about the girl?"
"Liv? She is my sister, but it's a little more complicated than that. Our mother died when she was young and dad was never really around. I am really all she's got. Sometimes it's like father and daughter, other times it is brother and sister. But in truth; it seems most of the time we are more like best friends."

^ Obviously that response wouldn't be entirely accurate. But just by choosing the right way to respond can get across the close bonds the two share.

***


Thus the spiked demon, becomes a psuedo-name. I hate doing it but have the hardest time coming up with a way to get around it. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

I hate doing it too and I have some stories where I have nothing listed at all. If I use yours as the example:


The spiked demon lunged forward grasping the girl with its left hand the barbs stuck deep and blood flowed freely from the wounds, as the girl screamed in pain.

I would have written:
[TSD] lunged forward grasping the girl with its left hand the barbs stuck deep...

Actually, I personally wouldn't have stated right or left hand... I would have just said grabbed. But the point is [TSD] would be a reserved slot for the demon.
People rarely forgo the opportunity to name something. In this case, we have a spiked demon with no official species name. If we think of actual 'demons' that are known to be named though, we have many. Throughout time their demon status might get revoked, but demons is what they all began as - or were at one time viewed as by one person or another.

Vampires, Werewolves, Ghosts, Poltergeists, Sprites, Elves, Pixies, etc.
Then we have giant beasts and creatures like Titans and the Kracken,
Then we have the good guys like Pegasus, Cherub, Angel, Elves, Pixies, (yes some of these are demons but they are sometimes also the opposites, like good witch vs bad witch type deal - pixies that steal vs Tinkerbell of Peter Pan)

So then imagine, you have a small group of survivors from a humble village who had escaped 'Spiked Demons' and that is how they describe them. Then the city-folk they were describing the experience to say:
"Ah, the Colossal's. We have had a run in with them a few times. The Cruds are worse though."
"Cruds?"
"Yeah, those ooze things like blobs of jelly with a mouth in their belly."
"Why Cruds and not just blobs?"
"Dunno, that's just the name they got landed with."

In this way you can get around to giving them all unique names that will be far more impressionable than 'Spiked Demon' - thus stopping your writing getting a little dry whenever they are mentioned. Something as simple as 'what they are' opposed to 'what they look like and literally are' will do wonders for the readers enjoyment and your own freedom to write.

The trick is to find names for them and to successfully get that across to the reader. In the beginning, having a single person simply 'say what they see' is fine. But when relating that story to another person... which could be for example the moment they are saved... then it is the perfect opportunity to name them as done with the above example.

Take Rayne for example, to her it is a spiked demon. Every time her perspective looks at the two demons, that's what her description is. But Ian who might be more familiar with them names them Colossal's. After the escape from the two demons, he can tell her this verbally and then for your story that is what they become. 'The Colossal's'

Naturally, the naming is down to you and the method to get that name into the mouths/minds of your characters and the thoughts of your readers.



Hope this helps free up your writing and descriptive opportunities in a way that makes you happier.
Ref:
I hate doing it but have the hardest time coming up with a way to get around it.

Regards,


~Kev. :)

Deafmute
July 7th, 2014, 08:31 PM
As always greimour sound advice, I will do my best to integrate it.

the demons in this story have to set form, they come in all shapes and sizes at some point the story its likely they will appear in large enough numbers that generic names will be ascribed but this point in time They are each so specific it would be hard to give them a generic title. That said I do believe I get the gist of what your suggesting and I imagine I could find a way to integrate some rudimentary nomenclature into the story. If nothing else it will be useful later on.

I do a lot of what you described for building the bond in later chapters so hopefully as you we get there you will be less removed with flash backs. Ill have to see what I can do with some of this early stuff to make the flow better. Great comments all will probably post the next chapter here soon.

Greimour
July 7th, 2014, 08:50 PM
Trick is not to rush. Don't worry about giving all this information (such as the bond) too quickly and with too much of an infobomb.
There is little need to set the tone as quickly as possible or get all the information across instantly. You don't learn to count to hundred on your first day in school.

A story is like a hot bath, you have to ease in nice and slow... once immersed you enjoy it to its full. But when it starts to get cold, you get out. So the second trick is to reach a conclusion before the water becomes uncomfortable and stagnant.

Deafmute
July 7th, 2014, 09:06 PM
A story is like a hot bath, you have to ease in nice and slow... once immersed you enjoy it to its full. But when it starts to get cold, you get out. So the second trick is to reach a conclusion before the water becomes uncomfortable and stagnant.

best advice I have heard in while. Definitely something I need to apply to my writing.