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ussaid
June 27th, 2014, 01:44 AM
So, I just came up with this idea for a novel, and I have written a short summary. Please read the paragraph and comment your thoughts. I didn't really had quality presentation on my mind when I wrote this, but it is good enough I guess.

Genre: Psychological/Thriller/Horror

Here we go:


A depressed and disheartened detective stumbles upon a book written by a person suffering from a rare form of mental illness. Curious about the book’s contents, as his own brother was also a victim of the specific disease he burrows the book from its owner however on a strange condition that if the detective ever returns asking for the second volume, the owner had his permission to kill him. After trying to read its first chapter, the detective was unable to make sense of the book so his close friend takes the book to read it himself. However, one night the detective’s friend frantically called him and claimed that a demon, a God of Death, was chasing him and the detective must find the book’s second volume urgently. After arguing against his friend’s strange demands the detective found the line death and decided to visit him. He found the house in tatters and his friend dead, seemingly by shooting himself. The detective personally investigates the case after the official report concluded that the victim shot himself after a psychological breakdown from reading the book. After finally cracking the book’s code, the detective is convinced that paranormal entities are at work, and a certain acquaintance is secretly a demon intending to kill him.


(A detailed explanation can be found a few scrolls down.)

EDIT: I have got what I had wanted from this thread. Thank you all for your time! I am abondaning this thread, and will return later with an extract with full title and character names. Regards.

J Anfinson
June 27th, 2014, 02:41 AM
Sorry, the LOL was an accident. Was viewing this on my phone and that thing has a habit of clicking things because the screen is sensitive. Anyway, what you have here is a synopsis, not a story. In theory anything can make a great story if it's written well and is engaging to the reader. Do you have an excerpt or a chapter you could post?

Greimour
June 27th, 2014, 02:51 AM
Well, typos and spelling mistakes aside, Anfinson is right.

I don't really like to comment on 'ideas' and it seems to me this is all you have right now. An idea.

However-

The story is already showing signs of future plot-holes.

1. Why does his friend have a shinigami after him already when the detective has to purchase the second volume in order to receive the same treatment of a Shinigami haunter?

2. His requirement of purchasing a second book in order to be killed is a very vague reason, you would be hard pressed to put that into the book in a believable way. Then to have the friend require him to buy the second book, that is seriously coincidental. Like, what are the odds, really? Farfetched in that scenario would be an understatement... Why does the main character have to be a detective? This sounds like a rip-off from Death Note.

3. Talking about coincidences, your detective just happened upon a book written by someone suffering from a disease his brother had? Assuming his brother died from said disease... what are the odds of that? Why does it matter that his brother had this disease? The detective could have just as easily not had a brother at all and it wouldn't matter to the story one bit.


Honestly, this sounds like a fan of 'Death Note' is overly eager to emulate the work.

I don't want to discourage you from it... by all means go ahead but - you asked for our 'thoughts' and this is what I think.


~Kev.

ussaid
June 27th, 2014, 03:06 AM
Well, now that I looked back at it, it seems like a really really watered down version of my story. So I am going to explain everything in a spoiler. It isn't really a story, just a idea put here for discussion. Honestly, I have never seen Death Note. Now that I researched, it seems it contains Shinigamis and notebooks, but my plot is not relevant to it as there is no death-book. Well now that you mentioned it I am going to see it anyways.

Deafmute
June 27th, 2014, 03:08 AM
can't help but be reminded of the anime Death Note, not the same premise but certainly a similar setting. I would say that the story sounds like it could be a lot of fun to read. I would love to read a passage once you get one written.

Greimour
June 27th, 2014, 03:21 AM
can't help but be reminded of the anime Death Note, not the same premise but certainly a similar setting. I would say that the story sounds like it could be a lot of fun to read. I would love to read a passage once you get one written.

Lol, I am guessing you didn't read my comment? ^_^

I didn't watch the anime, I read the entire Manga though.

yeah ussaid, Death Note is just the primary thought I had. Shinigami + Book = Death Note ... that was my thought process. The stories are different but that didn't stop me thinking this was borne from that. You can take this idea and develop it so they are never thought of as similar but - even if you managed that - my opinion is that you need to get rid of not-so-subtle coincidences and such that I mentioned in the post above.

ussaid
June 27th, 2014, 03:37 AM
Thanks guys, I have removed Shinigami from the equations and replaced them with demons. I have everything covered, the spoiler is coming soon. There are no coincidences actually, you will see.

ussaid
June 27th, 2014, 03:49 AM
Sorry for the second post, but I thought this was big.
P.S How do you insert spoilers here?

Here goes, and forgive me if you find any typos or grammar errors, I wasn't careful here:

Before we start, let me tell you that I am planning to write this novella in a way that the reader is left to judge himself if there is some paranormal activity involved or it is just the detective’s madness. Well, he actually buys the book from an Old Italian’s antic shop. The book was written by the shop owner’s younger brother several years ago, who just broke down and was diagnosed with that specific disease. The Italian was hesitant to give him the book, but after much persuasion and a promise for cash he agreed, but only on the condition that if the detective returns to take the second book he had his personal permission to kill him. This was because the Italian was convinced that if the detective returns he would have turned mad from reading the book because the disease that the writer had was one which could be transmitted if someone tried too hard to understand the victim’s thoughts and actions. Now, the reader is left to decide whether this happens because it overburdens the brain or because some other worldly powers are involved. The Italian identified the disease to the detective, and he remembered that his elder brother was also a sufferer of this said disease and he died by accidentally falling from some stairs. The purpose of the existence of his brother is to suggest that the detective had a troubled childhood, as he was the second son of a single mother. His father died one month before his birth. The main character had to be a detective so one can understand that he is psychologically exhausted from violence, as all his life he had not much to see that life is more than violent crimes. It mattered his brother had the disease so that the detective had a personal interest in the book’s contents, as he can understand what suffering his brother was subject to. Now, his friend actually goes mad and he imagine a Demon and he read at the last page that a second volume exists, which he took as a hint that the only possible way of surviving was in that book. But, after hearing the detective refuse to give him the second volume he committed suicide so as to spare himself from possible torture by the Demon. The detective slowly goes mad as he investigates the case, and his troubled mind concludes that a new transfer at his department is secretly a God of Death who is looking to kill him, so he conjures up a plan to save himself, while in reality he is just mad and he ends up killing everyone close to him and is executed by the person he thought to be the God of Death. Now it won’t be revealed in the novel that whether Demons exist or not, but it would be heavily hinted that the detective is mad, and in the end it would be left to the reader to decide whether the new transfer was really a God of Death or not, as he did ended up killing the detective. This may sound crazy or naďve on paper, but the finished product will explain itself. Don’t worry, I have some great characters in mind, but I am just looking for tips and thoughts of whether this idea is effective or not.

J Anfinson
June 27th, 2014, 05:13 AM
The biggest issue I see with this is that you're leaving major story questions unanswered. (Are all those things real)

Most readers that I know, including myself get severely irritated when we invest so much of our time to read a story just to learn that the author left a major question. I've thrown books across the room for things like that. (Another thing that irritates me is when a book opens with a scene that suggests the story is going to be a certain genre, continues that way for most of the book and then BAM the genre flips and what I thought was a horror book ends up a weird sci-fi. I'm using a certain book for a doorstop now because of that. Seriously.)

Honestly though, one thing I've come to learn is that most plot problems will sort themselves out as you write, so my best suggestion is to start typing and see what happens with it.

Oh, and the standard spoiler code has never worked here. Not sure why.

ussaid
June 27th, 2014, 05:42 AM
The biggest issue I see with this is that you're leaving major story questions unanswered. (Are all those things real)

Most readers that I know, including myself get severely irritated when we invest so much of our time to read a story just to learn that the author left a major question. I've thrown books across the room for things like that. (Another thing that irritates me is when a book opens with a scene that suggests the story is going to be a certain genre, continues that way for most of the book and then BAM the genre flips and what I thought was a horror book ends up a weird sci-fi. I'm using a certain book for a doorstop now because of that. Seriously.)

Honestly though, one thing I've come to learn is that most plot problems will sort themselves out as you write, so my best suggestion is to start typing and see what happens with it.

Oh, and the standard spoiler code has never worked here. Not sure why.

Well not really fliping genres since it will still remain as a psychological thriller. The detective would be told everything time that he is wrong. No paranormality is included in the genres. And it is horror in a sense it will contain chills that we see from the detective's perspective.

As for leaving the question unanswered, the book will end in a way that it looks like the detective was mad after all, yet there would still remain room for some speculation, and a "but what if?"....

EDIT: This thread has served its purpose and I have no need for it. I will return with a an extract from the story with the title and full character names. Thanks everyone for their help, I am satisfied with the tweaks I have made through feedback from here. I will see if I can get this closed.

AMiller
July 20th, 2014, 05:01 PM
It was a little rushed for my loving, but good tone. You need to slow down for the feel you're looking for, because the reader feels like they're being pushed along with time to absorb info.

Elsey2
July 29th, 2014, 09:38 PM
Have you written the beginning of this story yet?

John Galt
August 8th, 2014, 11:57 PM
I was too reminded of Death Note.
I would like to know the specific mental condition because it can change the way the book's (the book within the story) ramblings are written and could set up some twists. I like the "detective's mad" idea. It could lead to some nice character development. Are you looking to write in first or third person?

Lucydity
August 9th, 2014, 03:43 PM
Perhaps you could do a little more to describe the scene, i want to be able to get inside the world of your characters, so i can understand what they see and feel about this