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Artemis Lasair
June 25th, 2014, 04:35 PM
Katherine awoke in a startle, in the early morning hours of the day, to the sound of breaking glass in her apartment. Sitting up out of bed, she rubbed her weary eyes clearing the sleep from them, and gave a slow look around the room. Nothingness-her thoughts started to race as she sat in the darkness of her empty room. Knowing that her roommate isn't due home for days, she grabbed the aluminum bat she kept by the bed. Sliding her feet to the bedroom floor, she ignored how cold it felt to her bare skin, and crept along the hallway to the kitchen. When she arrived at the door way, she paused preparing to beat who ever it was that was on the other side. Her heart thumping against her chest, she took one big step in to the kitchen, and then let out a squeal when her cat, Midnight, leapt down from the cabinet. Relief- she let out a sigh as the adrenaline slowly left her system, "cat don't ever scare me like that again." She said.


Taking precaution not to step on the broken glass that the cat had apparently knocked over, she retrieved the broom, and dust pan from the closet. She swept up the broken glass, and carefully dumped it into the garbage bin. Once finished she glanced up at the dining room clock, it was all ready 7am, she inhaled sharply the mornings events all ready wearing on her, no use in going to bed now. She scooped some coffee out of the container pouring into the coffee maker, turning it on the aroma of coffee instantly filled the room making her mouth water. I would really love for Phoenix to get back now she sauntered over to the table to sit down to rest, out of the corner of her eye she saw Midnight perched on the top of the cabinet. Katherine smiled at the cat laughing softly," lazy cat." As if the cat had her voice Midnight pounced off the cabinet on to her lap, purring softly asking for her owner's touch. Katherine raised an eyebrow at her like jumping down and being a lap potato was going to make the situation different.


Katherine loved her furry little troublemaking companion Midnight and taking pity on her, stroked her behind her ears and under her chin causing the kitty to purr uncontrollably. Her velvet soft fur sent little warm chills into Katherine's hand and straight to her heart. In addition to her best friend Phoenix, her pets Midnight , and her dog Max were her life. The coffee pot started bubbling and singing a steamy little tune letting her know that her morning inspiration was ready to drink and as she filled her mug, Max trotted in dropping his empty bowl at her feet melting her heart as he glanced up at her with his droopy doggy eyes. She smiled inwardly at the realization that this was going to be a great day while laughing out loud at Max who was woofing up the food faster than she could pour it into his bowl.

Katherine finished her coffee in the kitchen. She returned to her bedroom to change into her clothes for the day. Taking a quick look in the mirror, oh lord, she thought her hair looked like a train wreck. Katherine sighed inwardly, grabbing her hair brush off of the dresser. She ran the brush through the tangled mess of hair, attempting to tame the raven-silk waves. Wincing as the brush caught a knot of hair, "Goddamn it," slipped from Katherine's mouth. After what felt like hours of brushing she finally set the brush down taking one last look in the mirror she deciding that it was decent. Heading back to the living room, and dining area Katherine couldn't help but hear the sad whining of Max's as he pawed and scratched at the door, "don't worry buddy I'm coming," she laughed fondly at her beloved labrador. Quickly hooking his leash up to his beaten up and sun faded collar she lead the excited dog outside, while waiting for him to sniff around and do his business Katherine did a check on the mailbox. Inside was a white envelope with Phoenix's name scribbled on the front, along with Katherine's name. It must be that reminder about going to the post office to pick up that package, Katherine quicky tucking the envelope under her arm still trying to hold on to Max's leash.

TKent
June 30th, 2014, 08:32 PM
Hi Artemis,

I noticed you had no feedback yet, so thought I'd be the first, since I know how much it means to me to get other perspectives on my writing. So I hope this helps in some way!

Your first four paragraph's are a great start in helping the reader get to know Katherine's personality. There also seems to be a healthy balance of description vs. action. You've also built some suspense very early on, and I'm left wondering if it really was the cat responsible for the broken glass and if there is something in that envelope other than notice of a package :) Since this is only four paragraphs, as a reader, I have an expectation that you are going to answer those questions later in the work. So be sure you do!

Here is a little feedback. I haven't gone word for word, but instead pointing out some examples of things you might want to revisit. And please take everything I say with the understanding that I am not 100% sure that I'm right on grammar topics, but just know it doesn't sound right to me. And some of the feedback are things I've heard from others on my own work, so I'm happy to 'pay it forward' :tears_of_joy:

You have slipped into present tense with the word "isn't" below. Should be "wasn't" to stay in past tense.


Knowing that her roommate isn't due home for days,

The first sentence has a bunch of prepositional phrases and is a little awkward: in a startle, in the early morning, to the sound of breaking glass, in her apartment. You want to make sure your first sentence is perfect since it is going to be a reader's first impression of your work. So I would suggest revisiting this and maybe tightening it up.


Katherine awoke in a startle, in the early morning hours of the day, to the sound of breaking glass in her apartment.

In general, go through and make sure that sentences like the one below are specifically describing what you mean. Sitting up 'out' of bed makes it sound like she has gotten out of bed. But a few sentences later, she slides her feet to the floor so I know she hadn't actually gotten 'out' of bed yet. So make sure your words are clear on whether she getting out of bed or just sitting up in bed.


Sitting up out of bed, she rubbed her weary eyes clearing the sleep from them, and gave a slow look around the room.

In general, just do another pass on where you have commas, such as the one below. You don't need the comma between 'broom' and 'and'.


Taking precaution not to step on the broken glass that the cat had apparently knocked over, she retrieved the broom, and dust pan from the closet.

There are several places where your words are descriptive enough to me that you don't necessarily need to spell it out. For example, in this sentence, I think you could remove the word Relief since you have done a great job with the rest of the sentence conveying the relief and it is much better to convey it that way!

In this same sentence, you should end 'slowly left her system with a period, then be sure to capitalize the word cat and replace the period after 'again' with a comma. If you do a quick search on writing dialog you should be able to easily find some tips on how it should be punctuated. That's what I did and it helped a lot!


Relief- she let out a sigh as the adrenaline slowly left her system, "cat don't ever scare me like that again." She said.

Below, you have it italicized as if it is Katherine thinking. However, you need to 'unitalicize' the portiosn of this that are describing action so that only the portions she is thinking are in italics. So for example, below, everything after I would really love for Phoenix to get back now, is not her thought process, it is action. Hope that makes sense. EDIT - I am seeing now that the rest of your work is in italics. I am thinking now that this is probably just a formatting issue that once you put it in italics for that first part, you never removed it. Anyway, take a look!


I would really love for Phoenix to get back now she sauntered over to the table to sit down to rest, out of the corner of her eye she saw Midnight perched on the top of the cabinet.

In the following, her refers to the owner and the cat at different times, so you need to make sure it is clear who you are referencing. And I think you lost the word "heard" from the beginning. I do this constantly when editing...I go to fix one thing and end up breaking another LOL


As if the cat had her voice Midnight pounced off the cabinet on to her lap, purring softly asking for her owner's touch. Katherine raised an eyebrow at her like jumping down and being a lap potato was going to make the situation different.


I think this would be better as "Max's said whining" because it flows a little better


sad whining of Max's as he pawed and scratched at the door

Overall this is a great start!!

The Bruce
July 15th, 2014, 05:15 AM
She keeps an aluminium bat by the bed?? Hopefully we find out at some point why someone would do this, or if there's no specific experience that leads to this kind of behaviour then it's shown to be reflective of a streak in her personality that will be relevant later in the book.

rogerblingham
July 19th, 2014, 09:43 AM
Your beginning is good. Perhaps, you want to be too detailed and end up writing very long sentences. Please write using small sentences by breaking up long sentences. I had trouble with very long sentences(In fact, there are too many for the size of writing).

Sam
July 19th, 2014, 10:02 AM
Katherine awoke in a startle, in the early morning hours of the day, to the sound of breaking glass in her apartment. Sitting up out of bed, she rubbed her weary eyes clearing the sleep from them, and gave a slow look around the room. Nothingness-her thoughts started to race as she sat in the darkness of her empty room. Knowing that her roommate isn't due home for days, she grabbed the aluminum bat she kept by the bed. Sliding her feet to the bedroom floor, she ignored how cold it felt to her bare skin, and crept along the hallway to the kitchen. When she arrived at the door way, she paused preparing to beat who ever it was that was on the other side. Her heart thumping against her chest, she took one big step in to the kitchen, and then let out a squeal when her cat, Midnight, leapt down from the cabinet. Relief- she let out a sigh as the adrenaline slowly left her system, "cat don't ever scare me like that again." She said.


Taking precaution not to step on the broken glass that the cat had apparently knocked over, she retrieved the broom, and dust pan from the closet. She swept up the broken glass, and carefully dumped it into the garbage bin. Once finished she glanced up at the dining room clock, it was all ready 7am, she inhaled sharply the mornings events all ready wearing on her, no use in going to bed now. She scooped some coffee out of the container pouring into the coffee maker, turning it on the aroma of coffee instantly filled the room making her mouth water. I would really love for Phoenix to get back now she sauntered over to the table to sit down to rest, out of the corner of her eye she saw Midnight perched on the top of the cabinet. Katherine smiled at the cat laughing softly," lazy cat." As if the cat had her voice Midnight pounced off the cabinet on to her lap, purring softly asking for her owner's touch. Katherine raised an eyebrow at her like jumping down and being a lap potato was going to make the situation different.


Katherine loved her furry little troublemaking companion Midnight and taking pity on her, stroked her behind her ears and under her chin causing the kitty to purr uncontrollably. Her velvet soft fur sent little warm chills into Katherine's hand and straight to her heart. In addition to her best friend Phoenix, her pets Midnight , and her dog Max were her life. The coffee pot started bubbling and singing a steamy little tune letting her know that her morning inspiration was ready to drink and as she filled her mug, Max trotted in dropping his empty bowl at her feet melting her heart as he glanced up at her with his droopy doggy eyes. She smiled inwardly at the realization that this was going to be a great day while laughing out loud at Max who was woofing up the food faster than she could pour it into his bowl.

Katherine finished her coffee in the kitchen. She returned to her bedroom to change into her clothes for the day. Taking a quick look in the mirror, oh lord, she thought her hair looked like a train wreck. Katherine sighed inwardly, grabbing her hair brush off of the dresser. She ran the brush through the tangled mess of hair, attempting to tame the raven-silk waves. Wincing as the brush caught a knot of hair, "Goddamn it," slipped from Katherine's mouth. After what felt like hours of brushing she finally set the brush down taking one last look in the mirror she deciding that it was decent. Heading back to the living room, and dining area Katherine couldn't help but hear the sad whining of Max's as he pawed and scratched at the door, "don't worry buddy I'm coming," she laughed fondly at her beloved labrador. Quickly hooking his leash up to his beaten up and sun faded collar she lead the excited dog outside, while waiting for him to sniff around and do his business Katherine did a check on the mailbox. Inside was a white envelope with Phoenix's name scribbled on the front, along with Katherine's name. It must be that reminder about going to the post office to pick up that package, Katherine quicky tucking the envelope under her arm still trying to hold on to Max's leash.

This is decent writing. Better than most of what passes for romance these days.

However, your opening falls apart for being anti-climactic. Your first sentence is terrific. It draws your reader right into the story and forces them to take notice. It's the kind of opening that begs for more than the let-down of a cat being the only form of danger in the house. You set it up so well and then it crumbles to the ground because you don't follow through. You use it as a segue into her brushing the glass and then brushing her hair. In doing so, you've succeeded in grabbing my attention in the first paragraph and then losing it spectacularly in the next three. If you're going to use an active opening like that, only to segue into prosaic tasks such as brushing hair, you're engaging in anti-climax. Think about what your reader wants. Will they appreciate being drawn into the story so vividly in paragraph one, only to be disappointed two paragraphs later when the character starts prettying herself up for the day ahead?

Start as you mean to continue. If you want to show her brushing her hair, do so, but don't give the reader false hope that something exciting, suspenseful, and dangerous is about to happen and then pull the rug from under their feet to shatter their initial connection to the story.

NineShadowEyes
January 7th, 2015, 07:50 PM
Okay, don't be upset, but I didn't like it. There were just too many commas where there shouldn't be and not where there should have been. It should have been more than just four paragraphs. The sentences were very confusing, especially when a period was needed. It was all very confusing for me.

Having said that, however, I did like the intended feeling and description. I was sort of able to reassemble things and get the overall picture. I was interested in the character.

She seemed to handle the fact that someone was breaking into her home pretty casually, like she was used to it and it didn't faze her at all.

Why does she have a bat by her bed? It doesn't have to be some big, momentous reason. Maybe it's just a precaution. I knew a girl who lived in a ground floor apartment and she kept a bat by her bed, just in case. She hadn't had a bad experience or anything, she was just being cautious. If that's the case here I think it should be mentioned.

The pets are cute.

How about a rewrite?

ClaireValmont
March 8th, 2015, 06:00 PM
Is there more? I want to read more ...