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View Full Version : Draft for the beginning of a story-Traitor.



Cpkeyes
June 24th, 2014, 03:13 PM
This story is about a Gaian, becoming the apprentice/pupil of what many considered to be the greatest swordsmen and Nephilim (People with psychic powers). Of course, things don't go as planned.

They had destroyed the Mass Driver, the only thing keeping them from launching troop transports without worry. Gabriel eyes grew wide; trying to think of something, if the Ragon landed this battle was effectively over. Gabriel was about to order the fighter to launch but then remembered the base didn’t have any, they were scheduled for delivery next month. Dammit screw high commands incompetence Gabriel thought trying to think of someway to hold out against the Ragon. Then he realized there was no way. It was a small outpost with only one company guarding it versus at least five Ragon warships; no one can win against those odds. He looked though his command room, seeing his fellow officers frantically working, most of them with panic and fear on their faces. Gabriel too felt fear; he didn’t want to know what a Ragon prisoner of war camp was like. He looked though the security cameras and saw that the Ragon were making quick work of the marines, Gabriel noticed something though the camera-There armor had painted blue stripes on them-this meant that they were soldiers of the third legion, the elite. This did not bring more fear to Gabriel’s face, but the fact that the third legion was the personnel legion of Death’s Angel, an unstoppable killing machine who was, according to Intel, the warmaster of the Ragon military meaning he was in charge of all military operations. But why would he be here? Why would he be leading an attack on an outpost on some hunk of rock? This confused Gabriel he would expect it to be one of his posse leading the attack, in fact he hoped it was one of his posse. But that hope was broken once he say a Ragon dropship land and out came Death’s Angel. Now the battle was certainly lost, there was no point in fighting. But he had too, he has been told that surrendering to the Ragon was worse than being killed by them on the field, Gabriel would rather not test that theory.


The Ragon soldiers were making quick progress, already most of the base was captured. Gabriel and the officers in his room were quiet, kissing pictures of their loved one and writing letters, hoping that the Ragon would send it to their families, which was doubtful. Finally the door slid open, hacked, and he and his soldiers walked in. One of the soldiers screamed for everyone to drop their weapons and surrender, which was followed by all but one officer. Who drew a pistol but was shot in the head before he could even aim. That was Harrison the communication officer, he was a fool to think he could do anything with a pistol against the elite of the Ragon military , but then again, death was probably preferred over rotting in a POW camp.

But instead of ordering his troops to kill them all, he had his troops drag officers one by one to him, putting two fingers on their forehead before nodding no and having another soldier drag him away. Gabriel was confused, he was told that ninety nine percent of the time, the 3rd legion and their leader would just kill everyone, surrendering or not. But the angel must of wanted something, which he got from Gabriel. Putting two hands on his forehead, no one could see though his mask but Joeda’s eyes went wide and pulled out a small knife, nothing that would be able to fight him in a duel but it was clear what he wanted Gabriel to do, but before the unavoidable happened the angel said something.
“Finally, I have found you” He said, using his hand to motion for Gabriel to stand up, the soldiers holding his arms letting go. The angel handed him the knife, a confused face on Gabriel, then the order came.
“Kill them” he said pointing to the four officers that were behind him on his test. Gabriel looked at their faces, all of them saying “please don’t do it”. But Gabriel preferred living, and walked up to the officers and stabbed them to death. Their faces of surprise and fear still on them as they went pale and collapsed. Gabriel turned around to see the angel walking over to him.
“Kneel” He ordered in his bass and powerful voice. Gabriel obliged, kneeling, the angel resting his sword on each shoulder.
“Name” He asked.
“Gabriel, Gabriel Lucifer” Gabriel quickly said, the confusion and fear clearly heard in his voice.
“You are now my apprentice, your new name is Galuc” The angel said. Gabriel looked up.
“You are confused, as expected; everything will be explained in due time.” The angel began “I am Joeda, your new master, follow me” He said, turning as if he trusted Gabriel to not stab him in the back. Gabriel fought back the urge, preferring to live to see another day but also wondering what Joeda meant. He followed Joeda and his soldiers.

Purple Inukshuk
June 24th, 2014, 06:41 PM
There armor had painted...

just a small spelling mistake here, 'there' would mean like 'over there', it's 'Their'.

Also that first large paragraph was alright, but it was a bit hard to read for me for the fact that there was a lot going on at once. I suggest, in my opinion, to maybe make it into a different paragraph when you arrive to the part where Gabriel looks through the security cameras. That one separation of paragraph would be easier on some people's eyes.

And finally the conversation. It was interesting, but maybe remove the more frequent use of 'said', maybe replace them with words like snapped, snarled, muttered, stuttered, etc.

sorry it's not a lot, it's my first critic haha. But that's what I suggest, you have very good writing and my interest has been piqued. I hope to read more!

-Nat

Thad
June 26th, 2014, 12:08 PM
It feels rushed. You've got maybe two pages of writing here that are trying to tell a chapter's worth of story. That story is interesting, but it feels like you're rushing through with a lot of telling instead of showing. Most of your narration could have been replaced with dialogue between Gabriel and the other officers as they frantically try to find a way out of their situation.

It would also serve to improve the characterization and give the killings more impact. I assume Gabriel is supposed to be sympathetic, but the way he just shrugs off being forced to kill his fellows doesn't endear him. If he is that ruthless, it should have been established earlier. Again, show it through his own words or actions, or the words/actions of others, not narration, so it doesn't feel so incongruous when it happens.

It feels like you've written a trailer and are trying to pass it off as the movie. Lots of exposition and dramatic happenings, but without the context to give it impact. You've got a cool story in there (kinda reminds me of Warhammer 40k), you just need to slow down and tell it.

Cpkeyes
June 26th, 2014, 05:46 PM
It feels rushed. You've got maybe two pages of writing here that are trying to tell a chapter's worth of story. That story is interesting, but it feels like you're rushing through with a lot of telling instead of showing. Most of your narration could have been replaced with dialogue between Gabriel and the other officers as they frantically try to find a way out of their situation.

It would also serve to improve the characterization and give the killings more impact. I assume Gabriel is supposed to be sympathetic, but the way he just shrugs off being forced to kill his fellows doesn't endear him. If he is that ruthless, it should have been established earlier. Again, show it through his own words or actions, or the words/actions of others, not narration, so it doesn't feel so incongruous when it happens.

It feels like you've written a trailer and are trying to pass it off as the movie. Lots of exposition and dramatic happenings, but without the context to give it impact. You've got a cool story in there (kinda reminds me of Warhammer 40k), you just need to slow down and tell it.
I've been improving it, still am.