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Erik Fantasia
June 23rd, 2014, 10:08 PM
Fantasy World

By: Erik Fantasia Baker


Prologue


Two immortals were unseen in the hospital room as a new mother and her child slept peacefully through the night. The two immortals peered at the baby. The brown haired, grey eyed goddess Athena felt a curious sensation as she watched the youngling sleep.


“I’m in love with him,” said the goddess, shock coloring her voice.


“Yes but this is dangerous. You cannot reveal your love to him before he finishes his quest. He has a dangerous path ahead of him. Remember, he is destined to end the Second Immortal Wars, Then, Achilles will become the patron god of this realm, Camelot; Peace.” The speaker was male, Destiny was his name.


Moonlight shone through the window and fell on the young boy, shrouding him in a silver blanket.


“Artemis tells us he is the Silver Swordsman.”


“Makes sense,” replied Athena. The Silver Swordsman was fated to be one of the greatest and most skilled warriors that would ever exist.


“It will begin when he matures of twenty-one,” stated Destiny. “He will be ready then.”


Athena looked at the newborn with compassionate eyes. She wasn’t sure how she knew but this youngling was her true love. It made no sense, she knew, but she was goddess of wisdom and thus realized that love was irrational. Or perhaps it was just powerful enough to begin before it should.


A soft wind spoke outside, giving the moment a magical atmosphere. In the distance a wolf howled, adding to the feeling. The gazes of the two immortals lingered on the slow breathing baby, and then they disappeared.

Riptide
June 24th, 2014, 01:33 AM
Two immortals were unseen in the hospital room as a new mother and her child slept peacefully through the night - I don't know much about hospitals and birthing procedures, but don't they snatch the kid away?

Remember, he is destined to end the Second Immortal Wars, Then, Achilles will become the patron god of this realm, Camelot; Peace.” The speaker was male, Destiny was his name. - this sentence is weird. It might be the upper case Then, or that ending, so Achilles becomes Camelot, and then Peace? It doesn't make much sense to me and the end, maybe do: said her male companion, Destiny.

The story is interesting. Going off of myth, yeah, I had something like that, but mine was Norse mythology.

Erik Fantasia
June 24th, 2014, 12:16 PM
Thankyou. This is a different world in the early and they do not snatch kids away.

Thad
June 26th, 2014, 04:54 PM
Your characters tell each other stuff they both know for the benefit of the reader, but your narration dwells on the stuff they should be talking about.

Athena is shocked to be in love with a newborn, but Destiny brushes off her revelation to deliver some exposition. That would be a prim opportunity for him to share her surprise, and then have her deliver via dialogue the part about how love is irrational that was previously confined to narration.

There's also a bit of telling instead of showing. You say a soft wind and howling wolf gave the moment a magical atmosphere, but that just tells me it's breezy and that someone apparently has a hospital window open for weather and outside noises to be noted for some reason. Don't mention mundane details and tell me they're magical, make it FEEL magical. Dig your fingers into the magic you know is there, pull it out, and make me go, "Dang, that's a magical moment," without you ever having to SAY it was magical. Slow down, give the moment some weight, describe more than your characters' appearances--show me how the importance of this is affecting them. Athena in paricular seems to be in awe; Destiny is more businesslike and matter of fact. So give me more of that, let their personalities show.

On the other hand, this is a prologue. Maybe it would work better stripped of almost all detail. Think of the very beginning of Harry Potter, when baby Harry gets left on the doorstep. We don't know anything about who these people are, who the baby is, what's going on, but we're grabbed by the mystery of not knowing and the feeling of urgency generated by characters who DO know.

MsTerious
June 27th, 2014, 03:12 PM
I agree that's there's too much telling instead of showing here, and you give too much of the future plot away in the short dialogue. For example, the discussion of the baby's destiny, and how Athena instantly realizes she's in love with him. Love is not really an immediate realization, it's a build up of feelings than can sometimes confuse the feeler, especially if evoked by a baby. I think you need to capture that in the characters to make it more real and believable.

Erik Fantasia
June 27th, 2014, 03:39 PM
That goes against somethings that are planned for the future of the series. But I do agree with the telling versus showing. And I do use Destiny and Lupa to show how love really is.

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Great name by the way.