View Full Version : Trilogy of the Gods: Being Owned

Erik Fantasia
June 23rd, 2014, 10:06 PM
Magic: Trilogy of the GodsBeing Owned

Prologue: Two young children held hands in the grass, laying in the dew and gazing at the clouds. The female was of long, blonde hair and bright blue eyes. The male had brown hair and eyes colored grey.
"I spot a heart," said the girl, pointing up at the white masses above.
"No way, that's a butterfly," responded the boy, shaking his head. "Where did you get a heart out of that?"
"Butterfly? It is not a butterfly, you big bafoon. It is a heart."
The two spent some time like this, arguing over the shapes of the white fluff upon the canopy of endless blue. Finaly, they agreed on one.
"That is a hammer," a pointing eight-year-old girl said.
"Hmm, you actually seem to be right."
"Well, she is my daughter."
"Father," gasped she, quickly releasing the hand that had remained held. She abruptly got up and brushed herself off. The boy also stood up, looking awkward.
"What did I tell you about boys, Love?"
"Father, please."
"They are weakness," continued Darkness, completley composed. His manner was of calm acid. "And that, you cannot afford."
In his hand materialized a giant, black mallet much like the one the two children spotted amongst the sky. Darkness took a menacing step towards the boy, he seemingly paralized, and swiftly crushed his body, blood staining both the grass and the young nature that Love had managed to hold onto amongst her father. Some of the red substance, which had sprayed like a geyser with a sickening smash and crush to acompany it, had gotten into the young girl's eyes. She blinked both the blood and her tears, and looked down at the remains of her companion. What she saw was a pile of white dust, some tangible pieces of the bone being jagged and sinister looking, all tainted with a red that made Love want to pass out. Her vision was blurred with tears as she looked up at Darkness. He gazed evenly at her for a few moments and then said, "Come, take my hand." He held out his hand and she took it, only because it was all she had known, and together the blonde girl and the black suited man went on their way home to the black and white tiled mansion, the girl filled with sorrow from the journey her hand had taken from being her father's, held by another boy's, and back into her father's hard grip.
Please critique

The formating may have changed after I pasted it.

June 24th, 2014, 07:39 AM
From what little there is to go by, you have an interesting concept. I think it would be better served if you simply wrote more plainly. The style you have going on with this piece is difficult to read and ( I hope I don't offend) comes off as a bit contrived. It needs a bit of filling out, a little more detail about what is going on, etc.

Erik Fantasia
June 24th, 2014, 12:19 PM
Hmm, well I start the story out with that style and then it kind of tapers off as more of the plot comes in. I may have to look into that though. You see, trilogy of the gods is a lot more emotion based in the narrative and themes than the other parts are.

June 25th, 2014, 02:34 AM
Very intriguing, my only critique would be to go in and fill in some details. Give us a little more to sink our minds into. :) But otherwise good job!