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84Buckeye
June 19th, 2014, 11:01 PM
The man sat quietly in his chair not believing that things had come to this. It had been only 10 months since he came to Florida's largest, and perhaps craziest 55+ retirement community. 2 years since he lost his love to cancer.


"Start over, you got to start living." people told him.


It all started without any planning or thought on his part. Innocent enough.


One of the first things he noticed was how many women there were compared to men. Outnumbered 10 to 1, the ladies put great effort in looking their best. Sure he was tall with an athletic build, but the man didn't feel like women were naturally attracted to him. One thing he did pride himself on was that he gave everything he had to please. A rose placed just right to catch that surprise smile, or cooking that favorite meal unexpectedly. He was a pleaser.


The idea of receiving 500 dollars for a date started with #1. Who then told a friend, who told another friend. 5 would be it.


The first signs of trouble started when he found out that 2 were married. One hid it well, the other casually told him yes when he noticed the non-tanned ring mark on her finger.


How these women could do such savage things over him was something that he still couldn't come to grips with.


"Why?" he thought shaking his head.


"We had so much fun!"


The sound of the judge pounding his gavel startled him back to the moment.

InstituteMan
June 20th, 2014, 03:35 AM
This is a very clever concept, and I am quite taken with it. I can't fault any of your sentence level writing. I think that your structure and pacing is unconventional, which will leave some folks not sure what to make of this piece.

I, for one, would be curious about how this story would read in a more conventional short story format, or even almost a novella. Hell, you could write an entire novel on this premise. It feels a bit cramped at this length, so I would recommend letting it breathe with considerably more words. Maybe let is meet #1 and #2, and even the jealous husband or two. It could be fun.

aliveatnight
June 21st, 2014, 05:17 PM
I think letting it expand a bit would be an interesting thing to do. I'm very interested in this piece, and I want to know more about these people and the situation. I think it was well written, and I can't see anything wrong with it. Nice work!

ussaid
June 26th, 2014, 02:19 AM
Nice concept to say the least. As others have mentioned, expand it.

zenor
July 1st, 2014, 08:05 PM
Will you be writing more?

DarkPunzel
July 19th, 2014, 07:08 PM
I like how you start with a man pondering quietly in his chair. And I like how you ended it with a judge. Kinda gave a quick little spin for such a short work. However, I got a bit lost in the middle. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. So expanding more on the back story seems like it would be a good direction to take if you choose to go forth on this piece! But very good! I liked it!

son_of_lockman
July 21st, 2014, 07:59 PM
The man sat quietly in his chair not believing that things had come to this. It had been only 10 months since he came to Florida's largest, and perhaps craziest 55+ retirement community. 2 years since he lost his love to cancer.


"Start over, you got to start living." people told him.


It all started without any planning or thought on his part. Innocent enough.


One of the first things he noticed was how many women there were compared to men. Outnumbered 10 to 1, the ladies put great effort in looking their best. Sure he was tall with an athletic build, but the man didn't feel like women were naturally attracted to him. One thing he did pride himself on was that he gave everything he had to please. A rose placed just right to catch that surprise smile, or cooking that favorite meal unexpectedly. He was a pleaser.


The idea of receiving 500 dollars for a date started with #1. Who then told a friend, who told another friend. 5 would be it.


The first signs of trouble started when he found out that 2 were married. One hid it well, the other casually told him yes when he noticed the non-tanned ring mark on her finger.


How these women could do such savage things over him was something that he still couldn't come to grips with.


"Why?" he thought shaking his head.


"We had so much fun!"


The sound of the judge pounding his gavel startled him back to the moment.

Just a few word changes I feel.

The man sat quietly in his chair not believing that things had come to this. It had been only 10 months since he came to Florida's largest, and perhaps craziest 55+ retirement community. 2 years since he lost his love to cancer.


"Start over, you got to start living." people told him.


It all started without any planning or thought on his part. Innocent enough.


One of the first things he noticed was how many women there were compared to men. Outnumbered 10 to 1, the ladies put great effort in looking their best. Sure he was tall with an athletic build, but ''this'' man didn't feel like women were naturally attracted to him. One thing he did pride himself on was that he gave everything he had to please. A rose placed just right to catch that surprise smile, or cooking that favorite meal unexpectedly. He was a pleaser.


The idea of receiving 500 dollars for a date started with #1. Who then told a friend, who told another friend. 5 would be it.


The first signs of trouble started when he found out that 2 were married. One hid it well, the other casually told him yes when he noticed the non-tanned ring mark on her finger.


How these women could do such vicious things over him (much debate in my mind whether to use ''to'' or ''over'' here) was something that he still couldn't come to grips with.


"Why?" he thought shaking his head.


"We had so much fun!"

But it dog gone good! :)

Sonny


The sound of the judge pounding his gavel startled him back to the moment

Blade
July 21st, 2014, 08:51 PM
Nice concept to say the least. As others have mentioned, expand it.

Agreed. It is tantalizing and could well do with some detail and fleshing out. There seems to be lots of room for expansion.

Enjoyed it, the last line is great.

84Buckeye
July 24th, 2014, 01:04 AM
Thanks for the input! I realize the dialogue and flow is rough. Wanted to get the idea out there and see if it was at least a little interesting lol!

thepancreas11
July 24th, 2014, 11:48 AM
This is like a skeleton...fascinating on its own but way more interesting with all the right pieces helping it move along. InstituteMan started telling you about the need for specificity, and I want to echo that. Women #1 and #5? Not that intriguing to me. They sound lifeless. I want to know who they are. I'd like to see their encounters rather than hear about them, but I'll be satisfied with the old man's recollection of at least some description.

What you lack here is development. You need to dig deeper into who this character is, what he wants, and where he's going. I get a little bit of background, which helps, but I'd rather see him in a situation reacting to something, feeling emotions. That will tell me so much more about the character than simple memories. I would like to see what happens after the judge swings his/her gavel. How did he get this far, you know?

A note on the actually gavel-swinging: a twist is better with a lead up, an undercurrent of hints and nods poking and prodding the reader until BOOM! it hits you square in the face. It's better when you can reread a piece and realize that the information was there all along. This judge thing doesn't really have that basis. I still have no idea why he's in court.

You could do wonderful things with this piece, Buck. You'll just have to dig a little deeper.

Lucydity
August 10th, 2014, 01:36 AM
I think it's pretty good for an opening

brarca
August 13th, 2014, 02:27 AM
I agree with the others, expand and expand and expand. Lovely concept!

Mr. Beanhead
September 25th, 2014, 05:05 PM
I'm in concurrence with the others, particularly DarkPunzel,"...a bit lost in the middle." Was he being paid? Five hundred from each lady? Was it a contest of some sort? Probably just me being thick. Before I get to what I did like...and there is much to like...a couple of grammar and usage points: This is just my opinion, but there is something about It all started...that bothers me. Also, ...how many women there were compared to men. Then, Outnumbered 10 to 1, the ladies put great effort...The second part sounds like the women were outnumbered.

Having said all that, I did like the concept, and I felt that the piece moved briskly. I enjoyed the last sentence too. Overall, I think you are on to something.