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SVenus
June 19th, 2014, 01:33 PM
Hello again :) I was kind of dissatisfied with how my novel began and I thought that it needed a prologue to better set the tone and some of the major plot points, so here it is. I hope you like it and tell me what you think :)




PROLOGUE


Adeolatus, the most wise and esteemed man amongst many, had received in his noble mansion news from one of his servants that his father was seen entering their domed city of Udium, weak on his horse and blood on his face. As soon as Adeolatus had heard those news, he had rushed from his bath, shamelessly standing naked before the servant, with warm water dripping from body upon the cool stone floor. Iemelus the servant, as considerate as ever, had not looked down and had quickly handed his lord a towel and a robe. Adeolatus' thoughts had instantly went to the inevitable, his father was soon to die and he had chose to come to his most beloved son. There were only two ways to stop the death, the profane and the sacred. He had offered a short prayer to Caerus and in a simple robe, in a moment that he could not have possibly known would decide everything, had chosen to flee Udium with his dying father, hoping that the god would show mercy in his true shrine. He had chosen so, despite knowing that the city was doomed without him. But before he had left, he made sure that Iemelus would send a message to his two brothers. “Tell them,” Adeolatus had said, “to find me where the true heart of ours rests.”

Halfway done with his journey he found himself on a small boat with his unconscious father. He had thought that perhaps Iemelus could come with them, to row the boat, but in the end he decided he would do it himself. As his paddle hit the calm waters of Lake Caerus, a thought came to him that he forgot to sound the evacuation of the city. Clearly in his mind he could see the deadly sunlight touch the dome of the city, cracking it like a bone and collapsing it, and without him to control it, every single fellow man and woman obliterated and melted by the sunlight. They would find a way, he thought. He was obviously not worried for himself since his immunity was a blessing from Caerus, but he had taken enough sunpowder to feed it to his father so he could survive the journey.

After his father had come he had in no less than an hour taken him to the outside of the city where the Elsat flowed into the lake, had stolen a fisherman's rickety boat, and had prayed that it would last till they arrived to the island in the center of lake, Gormal Ard, where the true shrine lay. Through the cool morning mist he could see the small island, his prayers were answered. He only hoped the grander prayer would be answered as well. Some dozens of feet before the gravely shore Caerus must have decided to test his faith, so water started entering and leaving the boat, and in a few moments, only enter. Adeolatus found it rather funny that he looked as old as his father, the process of controling the protective dome over the city had that effect, but though he looked as old he still had his strength. He embraced his father and swam to the shore with all his might.

The birds above were lively, and their song seemed almost teasing. Sweet water entered his ears and mouth and nose and clouded his eyes, but he somehow made it to the shore. He put his father down and he lay beside him, trying to regain composure. A few raggedy breaths passed and he began carrying his father through the trees to the center of the thankfully small island. In the center was a pool of water, the size of a house perhaps, and in it a pile of grassy dirt, large enough for five men to stand abreast. Adeolatus had been here once, long before his reign, and it had been a massive trouble to return to the mainland. He hadn't thought of that before the journey. Shaking his head to disperse the negative thoughts, he walked across the knee-deep pool, near which were various piles of a curious stone, and he lay his father on the ground, on the very middle of the world they knew. He began praying to Caerus, to give his father life, even it ment forfeiting his own, to show mercy, and not let a simple ilness take away such a great man. He even began crying as he prayed, deep inside realising that it was all for nought, that there was no Caerus and his father would die right now and that he let his people die for nothing. As if to taunt him, the grey clouds above released their rain. His father began coughing and then blood came out of his nose and mouth. He tried to say something, but then his hand fell heavy and stiff on the ground.

Adeolatus had believed in Caerus since as far as he could remember, a virtue instilled upon him by his father, who was now dead. He remembered the many cheerful lessons of faith his father had given him, and the great advice that came with it. He was now crying so much that he couldn't even think anymore, only feel the sadness and the cold rain whip his skin.

But then, he saw his father's fingers twitch, and he felt a pulsating beat in the ground. His father stood up, almost efortlesssly, and opened his bloody mouth, and through it came a horrible sound. A wild gust of wind appeared out of nowhere and it scourged them both as hard as the rain. Adeolatus could see it wipe away his father's head, like water with paint, untill all that remained was a smooth pale face, with no features but monstrous black lips, thick like dark worms. Adeolatus felt his breathing stop, like the wind; the rain continued. The corpse in front of him began speaking, a queer sound as any he had ever heard, a mesh of depth and height. It sounded like the was voice by his ear and then like it was a mile away. It was garbled like pebbels and as fluid as the flowing Elsat.

“My saviour,” the corpse said. “My sweet, sweet champion.” The voice became oddly sorrowful, it seemed to carry a great burden. “I have waited for a day such as this for so long that I became certain I was doomed forever.” The frail corpse moved lightning fast and it planted a wet kiss on Adeolatus' forehead. He didn't know why, but his body didn't flinch in the slightest.

“What... what are you?” Adeolatus asked.

“You may call me The Pale Herald, for that is what I have been waiting to do for so long.”

“What have you done with my father?”

The corpse's neck lurched. “I am sorry, my child, for your loss, but it is the only way. Come now. Help me.”

“Help you with what?”

“I am in great pain, will you not help me? Gather those stones you see scattered around this pool and make yourself a chair here, where I stand. You will have to help me for a long time. Oh if you only had friends, to ease your burden.”

Adeolatus remembered his message, he chose to keep it for himself. “Are you Caerus?”

“I do not know that name, my dear child.”

“Are you a god?”

Even before the words came Adeolatus sensed a hesitation. “I am, perhaps, to some.”

“Will you give me my father back?”

“I can try, but first I need help.”

Adeolatus gravely nodded and began gathering the stones of the island, to fashion himself a seat, a throne almost. When he was done he heard the corpse say, “Good, my child. Now sit.”

He did so and as he sat he felt control of his body leave him, even his mind went away, and the world before him became pale and then disappeared, the last thing he saw were the lips, and a rising mist around the island. A vague consciousness remained and through it he heard the whispers, and even though he couldn't move an inch he felt a change take over his body. He also felt two new presences beside him.

The whispers were like honey and he could feel a renewed strength in him. His sense of time never left him and he was aware. Three hundred years later he woke up and when he saw his two brothers beside him and what his body was, he screamed.

Nippon Devil
June 21st, 2014, 12:08 AM
Eh, your sentence structure seriously needs work. A good thing to practice at any skill level is to read what you write out loud when editing. If it doesn't sound right then, or the words don't flow evenly, something's wrong. You also have some very unusual descriptions.

The story itself seems a bit tried and true. Man sacrifices it all for someone he loves, and an ancient evil takes advantage of him. Of course it's just a prolog. Maybe it gets more interesting later. For now just work on the actual writing aspect of it.

SVenus
June 21st, 2014, 01:34 AM
Hi, thanks for reading:)

I'm not sure what you mean by your first paragraph, could you please give some examples?

I guess so, but I'd say it gets more interesting later on :P