View Full Version : Flash Your Heart

Virye Lerbern
June 17th, 2014, 05:14 AM
(Originally was meant for Choose A Song Workshop but later I changed the song to something different. I couldn't help but add more anyways.)

“I know it’s hard,” Crade started. “but if you give me a shot we can try this out again.”

While leaning over the table, Lorine shifted her legs, and whispered to him as if the people in the restaurant could hear their conversation. “You refused to talk to me after weeks of the accident. I relied on you to help me take care of my kitten. She had to be taken to the vet after swallowing a fish twice her size!”

“To be fair, you know I am allergic to cats. How was I supposed to know when I stepped out she’d eat my goldfish. Who’s the real victim here?” His lopsided grin had a profound effect on Lori’s heart.

She scooted away from that face or to be precise, those grayish blue eyes focused on her. He could win an argument just by looking at her. That was the problem right now. She didn’t want to cave into him. It wasn’t only because of the cat he neglected. There were other things he’d forget or made promises he couldn’t keep.

“You expect me to flash my heart to you and everything will be better?” She asked sarcastically.

Crade used the palm of his hands to rest delicately at the edges of the table so he could stand up from his seat. His head tilted down to look at her and all Lorine could think of was how she had forgotten how tall he was. As if reading her thoughts, he stepped around to kneel before her.

“Yes. I want you to believe me.” He soothingly said stroking the top of her hand with his fingers.

She nimbly raised her hands in an effort to get Crade to stop. He counteracted by turning his own hands around to lace his fingers in hers. How was it possible that a simple action could raise her heart rate tremendously? She mentally slapped herself and tugged her arms back but he refused to let her slip away.

He locked eyes with hers, even though her reaction was that of a vicious cat ready to strike. He slightly lifted himself off the ground, forcing her to lean back in the chair once more. Her expression changed suddenly as she felt bashful.

“I’ve been busy--” Crade started yet got cut off. “Of course you were.” she scoffed, she angled her head to stare at the cracks in the floor, a wad of gum kept her attention instead of those orbs.

He stayed silent for a moment then moved his head to part his mouth having his tongue lick her hand. She twisted her head to look at him in disgust.

“Now that I’ve got you where I want you. I’ve been busy trying to think of a way to earn your trust. You know how hard it was for me to ‘break the bank’ so to speak, so I could get allergy medicine. I won’t even go into details on the apartment I’m renting…” He dangled that sentence in front of her.

She promptly asked, “Wait! You have an apartment? How are you affording that?”

“It’s interesting when you’ve got friends in low places.”

“Are you selling drugs?” Lori said half-jokingly.

“More like, following your advice. I went to my cousin Danny and asked him for a job. You are now looking at a 9 to 5, behind the desk, and looking up porno sites on my lunch hour working man.”

Lorine ignored his last comment and instead, tried to wrap her head around this one. He couldn’t pull pranks. The farthest he’s ever done is tell white lies that he would shortly afterward confess to. So was it actually a dream she was having again?

“Pinch me”


“Pinch me!” she said louder.

“Where?” He mischievously smirked.

“I need to tell if I am dreaming.” She rolled her eyes.

As always, he did things his own way but what he did didn’t seem to bother her too much when his lips softly brushed against hers.

July 17th, 2014, 12:49 AM
You have the beginning of an interesting story and some good narrative and dialog but I had to read the first sentence several times before I understood what is happening. Actually, I had to read further into the story to put the beginning in the context of the other sentences. Maybe I'm just dense this afternoon.

When one character interrupts another, most writers use an ellipsis rather than dashes. And it's obvious Lori is the person interrupting Crade so you don't need Crade started yet got cut off. The gum/orbs connection confused me. It would have made more immediate sense to me if you tighten that entire line up and replace orbs with eyes.

"I've been busy..."
“Of course you were.” she scoffed, then stared at a wad of gum on the floor to avoid his eyes. (or his stare)

Took me several reads to understand "9 to 5, behind the desk, and looking up porno sites on my lunch hour" is the adjective for "working man.” As such, every word in the phrase should be separated by a hyphen. That would look odd, or at least clumsy, so I suggest you rearrange the words in the sentence. Start with "a 9-to-5 working man" and then add the other parts as another sentence?

Is this a first chapter? Or was that the entire story? I missed the relationship of what you have here to Choose a Song Workshop. Was that a previous title?

July 16th, 2015, 03:48 AM
I like the character description a lot, I think that maybe you could describe the characters more which would add to the story in that you could understand why they say things and know what they are going to say. It would make the reader feel a stronger connection to the characters.