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View Full Version : Light Of Wick: Obsidia 1st&2nd Chapters (Long)



NerdyMJ
June 16th, 2014, 04:06 PM
Title- Light Of Wick: Obsidia
Genre- Urban fantasy, YA, mystery, drama, romance, action
Summary- Katrina Kirby is a teenage girl that's rocky terms with the world. Then after her mother's arrest, she finds that world turned upside down as she is pulled into a world of magic and danger. Throwing her anger into her magic, she transforms herself into the anti-heroine known to the city of Aurora, New Mexico as Obsidia and becomes obsessed with tracking down the men that led her mother to the path to prison. What she doesn't know is that there's someone tracking her as well.

Author's Note- First of all, Aurora is a fictional city that is not inspired by the actual town/place/city of Aurora, NM.
Second of all, I didn't really know where to stick this since it kinda falls into a weird genre and there's no magic in this first couple chapters. The second chapter is unedited and probably unfinished. I'll probably end up re-uploading it once I'm done with it.
Finally, I apologize if the for any block paragraphs or bad grammar or weirdness in this post. This is my first time uploading my work on this site or on any forum, so I don't really know what I'm doing. This is also my first official book and even though, I'm a writer I do still manage to miss quite few grammatical errors in the rewrite.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read my work, and I appreciate any critique or anything anyone has to offer.
-MJ


Light Of Wick: Obsidia

Part 1
Before theera of light, darkness, time, and space, Spirit lived in The Void.She was alone there.


01


It was dark outside. The digital clock on my iPad flashed 8:48 PM. The temperature had dropped outside hours ago, but the heating system had just now started to come to life. The dull humming sound that radiated from the vent above my door mingled with the incessant buzzing of the streetlamp that hung outside my bedroom window.
Silently,I pulled my earbuds out of my pocket and shoved them in my ears. I rolled over onto my side, burying my face in the purple comforterwhile the sounds of bad pop music filled my ears. It did nothing to block out the sounds of my parents, who were downstairs. For weeks,they'd been talking in hushed whispers, pretending I couldn't hear them through the vents of our penthouse. I ignored them at firstbecause unless they're getting divorced or someone's having an affair, when do parents ever talk about anything interesting?
Usually,it was about work, which was completely against the rules since my dad was the police commissioner and my mom was a lawyer, but they practically ran this city. What did they care?
Then one night, I walked into the dining room when I wasn't supposed to and overheard Dad let slip a very interesting piece of information:There was – as he had put it – a rat in Mommy Dearest's law firm that was under investigation. Then, of course, I had to stand there awkwardly, lying to my parents about having heard anything, knowing they knew I'd heard. Because me not knowing was naturally going to make things all better.
The initial shock of the situation wore off quicker than I had anticipated. At first, it had been scary as shit. I mean, there was a criminal in my mom's workplace and I was a pretty, blond, white girl with two parents in positions of power. I screamed bait, so in order to give myself some peace of mind, I swiped my dad's emergencies only credit card and bought a used Taser from some shady dealer downtown, using my fake ID. Problem solved. Well, my problem was solved – Dad still hadn't found the rat in the law firm yet, and three weeks had passed already since I had found out about it.What the hell was taking so long?
Then again Dad also hadn't found out about the Taser yet, either, so maybe I was giving him too much credit.
I turned up the volume of the Nicki Minaj song that was playing and downloaded the newest issue of Seventeen magazine.Then a notification flashed across the bottom of the tablet's screen.It was a Facetime request from Lila Weitz who, for some reason, was convinced that I was best friends with her. She'd been following me around like a lost puppy since the eighth grade, prattling on endlessly about gossip I didn't care about: Of course Zayden Tracely wanted to take me to prom – all of the boys wanted to take me –but that didn't mean I was actually going to let him.Or any other boy, for that matter. But having an idiot that never shut up and dressed like a Gap mannequin trailing after me constantly had actually turned out to be useful.Since Lila volunteered after hours as an assistant secretary in the school office, she always had access to things like test answers,report cards, and permanent files. And since she was hooking up with whatever on-scholarship bad boy that happened to be stationed there for detention, she always had someone to cover for her. Of course, my grades were usually well enough that I didn't need those kinds of things, but it was good to know I could get them if I needed to. I more preferred having Lila around at the mall, especially when I felt like shoplifting a pair of Prada sunglasses just for the hell of it. That way if one of us got caught, she could take the fall for it.
Yeah, we were friends, alright. She was more like my secretary. I denied the request and closed out the app.
Then I jumped as I heard the sound of my parents' voices. I pulled off my earbuds so I could hear better. They were no longer talking quietly in hushed voices. They were fighting.
I climbed out of bed, and started downstairs because between the two of them yelling and the echo from the vent, I couldn't make out a thing they were saying. And I had to know what was going on. I just had to. My parents never fought, and when they did it definitely wasn't like this. Normally, it was more quiet hissing and hushed voices.
No, no, no. Can't let darling Katrina know her parents are fighting just like every other married couple in the history of forever. They even paid our housekeeper Annabella extra not to talk to me about it if she caught them. Opps. Wasn't supposed to know about that, either.
I stepped onto the first floor landing, and my parents'voices grew louder. Then I rounded the corner into the living room.Halfway across the room, I froze as I took in the scene: They were standing in the kitchen. My dad was pacing, back and forth and back and forth, wearing a hole in the doorway. He was turned away from me,but his dark, graying hair was a mess and I could see the sweat running down his neck. Mom was standing in the far corner of the room in between the counter and the wine rack. Her face was bright red and she kept running her hands through her short blond hair, sobbing.There were two glasses of red on the granite counter, untouched.
“Listen to me,” Dad said. He stopped pacing and walked over to my mother. Both of them were too caught up in their fighting to notice I was there. “They're on their way here. If you just –”
“I'm not going anywhere with you!” Mom shouted at him. Her voice was choked and her bloodshot blue eyes darted around the room wildly until, finally, they fell on me. “Katrina,” she gasped, her gaze lingering on me.
Dad turned to face me and I stood silently, not knowing what to do. I looked from my mother to my father and back again,trying to figure out what this was all about. What the hell was happening? My parents never fought like this.
“Katrina,” Dad said, walking over to me. “I wan tyou to go –” He was cut off by a loud hammering on the front door. He stood silently for a moment, looking conflicted.
Then there was more hammering and a man's voice shouted, “This is the Aurora Police Department! Open up!”
I stared at my dad, confused. “Wha–?”
Dad pressed his finger to my lips to silence. Then he pushed past me and crossed the room to open the door.
Two uniformed cops rushed past me to the kitchen where my mother was. Two more stood beside the door, dressed in dark pantsuits and muttering to each other quietly. I heard the sound of handcuffs snapping shut, and anger and understanding flooded my chest.
“Ashley Kirby,” one of the officers said, starting to steer my mother out of the penthouse. “You are –”
I turned, scowling, and walked out of the room. I climbed the stairs back to my bedroom and slammed the door behind me.I couldn't watch what was happening down there.
I crossed my bedroom and threw aside the pale yellow curtains that hung over my window, squinting to see past the glaring light of the streetlamp. There were three police cars, total – two in front of the building and one parked down the street. A small crowd of people stood on the sidewalk. Were those –?
“That bitch,” I said, throwing the curtains shut again. “That stupid, stupid bitch!” Without thinking, I spun around and punched the wall as hard as I could. Pain shot through my hand like fire, but I didn't care. I was too pissed to care.
There were reporters in that crowd. They were easy to spot since my family was, at least, locally famous and I'd had to pose for the newspapers a few times myself. Mostly at stupid charity events. The thing that always gave them away were their cameras. The big, black, bulky cameras that no one but a paid photographer could possibly have any use for. That wasn't why I was pissed off, though.The reason I was so mad was because reporters meant a scandal – a scandal caused by my mother. She was married to the goddamn police commissioner – of course, it was a scandal!
And everyone knew that the shitty thing about a scandal was that it was only fun unless it was happening to you.
My mother had ruined us – ruined me!
“Kat?”
I spun around to see Dad standing in my doorway,looking somber. “What did she do?” I spat at him.
“Never mind that,” Dad sighed. “The police want to talk to us.”
“What, you've got to be kidding me,” I said in disbelief. “Isn't there some rule against them questioning minors?Dad, I don't want to talk to them right now.”
Dad shook his head. “Look, Kat,” he said. “I don't like this anymore than you do. That's my wife and your mother they're going to be questioning us about, but the sooner we get it over with the better. Besides, they could hold us in contempt of court if we don't.” He motioned for me to follow him and then left.
I stared after him in stunned, angry silence, listening to his footsteps. My life was about to plastered all over the Aurora Post because my mother had been arrested, and he wanted me to talk to the police?“Typical,” I muttered, following after him.
When I got downstairs I saw that the two officers dressed in suits were sitting in the living room, drinking coffee out of my great-grandmother's china. A third officer was just leaving the penthouse, carrying what looked like my mother's laptop and other gadgets.
How absolutely fucking lovely.
“Ah, detectives,” Dad said, looking up at me from his place on our couch. “This is my daughter, Katrina. I believe you said you had some questions for us.” His tone was pleasant, but the solemness from before was thinly masked. “Katrina,” he added to me, “this is Detective Silverstein and Detective Lecleric.” He gestured to each of them as he introduced them.
The two detectives turned to look at me silently. They were both older looking men with bad haircuts and uneven dye jobs to hide the gray that was peeking out of their roots. Silverstein was the taller one of the two and he wore glasses that looked like a byproduct of 90s. How had someone like him gotten to be a cop?
I scowled at both of them and sat down on the tan suede couch beside my father silently.
Detective Lecleric cleared his throat. “Right,” he said. “Well, first of all, we just want to apologize for everything you folks have been put through tonight. I understand that it's a lotto take in, but if you could just bear with us and answer our questions, we would really appreciate it.”
“So,” I shot at him, crossing my arms. “Can you tell me why my mother is going to jail?”
Lecleric frowned. “We're not really in a position to talk about the specifics of the investigation just yet, Ms. Kirby,”he said. “Furthermore, it's uncertain whether or not your mother will actually be going to jail at this point. That's why we'd like to talk to you.”
I ignored the look Dad was giving me. “Right.”
“Now then,” Silverstein said, leaning forward and speaking for the first time. “Can either of you tell us if Ashley has ever mentioned someone named Ken?”
“We know lots of people,” Dad said, trying to sound sympathetic. “Our family has lots of friends and lots of enemies.It's possible my wife may have mentioned this person, but if you want to know more about them, you're going to have more specific.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I mean, doesn't this Ken person have a last name?”
The two detectives exchanged glances. Then Silverstein cleared his throat and said, “That's the thing,” he said. “We don't know his last name.”
“Or much of anything about him, really,” Leclericadded quickly. “All we know about this Ken person is that he's somehow associated with your wife and to a lot of other not so nice people. We were hoping you would know something about him.”
I scoffed. “Well, unless we're talking about Barbie dolls I haven't heard my mom mention anyone like that since I was about five.”
Dad nodded. “Right, well, we don't know this Ken person,” he said. “My wife has never him mentioned to either of us, and until you know more about him, I can't say whether or not I've ever met him and neither can my daughter. If that's all you needed us for, then I think it's time for you to leave.”
Lecleric smiled. “Of course,” he said, reaching out and shaking hands with my father. “Thank you for your time. We'll let you know if we think of anything else.” He and Silverstein stood up and left.
I leaned across the coffee and poured myself a cup of coffee. I added some sugar and crème to it then took a sip. My father and I sat in silence for a few minutes.
After a while, Dad sighed and said, “We need to talk about this.”
“Talk about what?” I said. “How Mom totally screwed us and you're going to need a new job because no one in law enforcement is ever going to want to work with you again?” I smiled at him grimly. “I know how the world works, Dad.”
“Katrina, your mother did not screw us over,” Dad told me. “And I have a new job already lined up at the university.”
I raised my eyebrows at him. “Because you already knew she was going to be arrested?”
Dad frowned uncomfortably. “This was all brought to my attention last week – they wanted to give me time to prepare myself for the media circus we're going to have to deal with now.Trying to help your mother would have made things worse for all of us, Kat. If I had done that our whole family could look bad.”
I jumped to my feet, spilling coffee on the plush white carpeting my mother had had installed two years ago. “How the hell do you think we look now, Dad?” I spat at him.”Our lives are going to be hell because she did something stupid and now we have to pay the price for it. There is no possible way for us to come out of this looking good, especially not if she's guilty.”
“She's not guilty, Katrina,” Dad said, shaking his head. “The evidence is against her, that's all.”
“Which means she probably did it,” I scoffed. “Look–”
Now Dad was on his feet. “No, you look,” he said.“This is your mother we're talking about, Katrina – your mother.Regardless of what happens from here on out, that is not going to change, so don't you think it might be worth it to give her the benefit of the doubt?”
I stared at him silently. Benefit of the doubt was really just code for second chance, which was something I didn't believe in. It may sound paranoid, but I'd learned a lot in Histor yClass about entire nations and empires that had been screwed over again and again all because they had decided to give someone a second chance. There was no way I was letting that happen to me.
But as my father stood there, the somberness that he tried to hide in front of the detectives seeped back into him and he looked...Crushed. It was because of her. His wife. My mother. It didn't matter if she hadn't meant for any of this to happen or not.It was still her fault that he looked this way. She was hurting our family. That was unforgivable.
I turned silently and started up the stairs angrily.Then I stopped. “If she's guilty,” I said in a low voice, “then I'm not forgiving her.”















02




I didn't use social media sites much. My Facebook account hadn't been touched in a month, but after what had just happened I couldn't resist logging. I wanted to know how many people had found out about my mom's betrayal.
“Shit,” I said after the page finished loading.
A picture of my mom being led out of the our apartment building had been shared and reposted forty times already. It was a blurry, low quality picture someone had taken on a cellphone, probably by one of our neighbors. I refreshed the page. Two more people had shared the picture. The caption on one read, “Anyone else surprised the cops weren't there for Katrina?”
I scowled at the screen and slammed my laptop shut. How did so many people know about this already? I mean, duh, cellphones and the internet, but seriously? It wasn't even going to be in the newspapers until the morning.
“Newspapers,”I muttered quietly. “Newspapers...”
I threw open my laptop and typed in the URL for the ANC: The Aurora News Center. It was a twenty-four hour stationed that reported everything that happened in Aurora. The first thing that popped up on the screen was a video with the BREAKING NEWS heading scrolling across the top, featuring the picture from my news feed.
“Son of a bitch,” I said angrily. “Someone must have Emailed them.”
My life really was going to be a hell now.
“Kat.” Dad was standing over me, looking concerned and quizzical. “What's wrong?”
“Other than everything else?” I said,thrusting the laptop at him. “See for yourself.”
Dad stared at the screen for a moment and shook his head. “Don't let this upset you, Kat,” he said, snapping the laptop shut. “I mean,you knew –”
“No,I didn't,” I said. “You knew and just because I saw it coming doesn't mean I don't get to be upset about it.”
“That's not what I meant,” Dad told me. He sighed. “Look, I know you're upset and angry. You're just in shock, and that's understandable.We've both been through a lot tonight, but we're going to help your mother through this. So just stop torturing yourself with this and go to bed. We've got a big day tomorrow.” He handed me the laptop, and turned to leave.
“Don't baby me, Dad,” I said, making him pause in the doorway. “I've never needed your help before and I don't need it now. I'll find my own way to deal with this.”
Just like I dealt with everything else.
Dad turned and smiled at me. “Yeah, I know, Kat,” he said, nodding. “Thanks, by the way, for giving your mom another chance. I know she won't let you down.” He left, closing the door behind him.
I spun around and set my laptop down on my desk. Then my gaze fell on the picture of my mom and I on the edge of my desk, set in a thin golden frame. I grabbed it and scowled at it. Dad was wrong. I still didn't believe in second chances and I didn't give them to anyone. Why should my mom be any different, especially after she had gone and gotten herself arrested? I set the picture face-down on my desk and stood up silently.
Then I went to bed.


The next morning I woke up to find Annabella, our thirty-something housekeeper from Ireland, standing over me. “You need to get up, Katrina,” she said. “Your father has a press conference you need to get ready for.”
I sat up and frowned at her. “Press conference?”
Annabella nodded. “Yes, he said to ask you to wear this.” She handed me a salmon dress, wrapped in a zippered garment bag. “I set your makeup out for you, too.” She turned and started to leave. Then she paused half way across the room and turned to look at me. “Sorry about your mother,” she smiled sympathetically. “Just try not to think about it. Everything will be fine.” Then she left.
Yeah,because we'd all magically been transported to Oz where everything worked out fine. Magically,of course.Who knows, maybe I'd even get to ask the Wizard for a favor.
I undid the garment bag and fished around until I found the tag. The dress was a Ralph Lauren. I tore the tag off and threw the dress on the floor, bag and all. I got out of bed and walked over to my closet. I searched through it until I found the charcoal dress I usually reserved for funerals. Then I dressed and did my makeup quickly. I brushed out my long, blond hair and wore a simple black headband with a bow on top of it.
When I was finished, I went downstairs and paused when I saw Dad standing with his lawyer, Mr. Chung, in the study that was just off of our living room. “So press conference?” I asked him.
Dad looked up at me. “Why are you wearing that?” he asked me, taking in my outfit.
I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed some of the cereal Annabella had set out for me on the island. I hated eating in the dinner room.It was the room where we all sat and pretended to like each other. I poured some milk in my bowl and looked up at my dad. “It's a press conference about my mother's arrest,” I reminded him matter-of-factly. “I'm mourning. Besides, it's not like anyone would believe my good girl act, anyway.”
“Um,Katrina,” Mr. Chung said. “We're trying to present the image that your family is unified, no matter the outcome of all this.”
“And is there a reason we can't present that in black?” I said to him.“The whole city is already trash-talking us. You really think they're going to give a fuck what we're wearing?”
Chung opened his mouth to respond, but Dad raised his hand and silenced him. “Just don't argue with her,” he told him. “She's always like this.”
Like what, honest?
“Right,”Chung said, sighing, “but, Katrina, this press conference actually isn't about your mother's arrest, although it does relate to it.”
I looked at my dad questioningly.
“This press conference is to announce my official resignation from my post as police commissioner,” Dad told me. Then for the second time, I saw it. The look of crushing defeat that had overcome my father the night before and for the second time, it was because of my mother. He was being forced to give up his dream job because of her. No matter how much he didn't want to admit it,that bitch had taken our life and shattered it into a million tiny pieces. The worst part was, I didn't even know why yet. I didn't care, though. Whatever was so important that she was willing to risk ruining the lives of her loved ones for it, I hoped she fucking choked on it.
I looked at Dad and nodded silently.
“Uh,sir?” We all looked up at Annabella. “Sir,” she said. “The car is here.”
“Thank you, Annabella,” Dad said, nodding. “C'mon, Kat.”
I jumped off my stool and followed Dad, scowling with Chung trailing behind us. We took the elevator down to the front entrance where there was already a fresh horde of reporters waiting to ambush us.Avoiding them was the exact opposite thing we should have done. If we avoided them, then it looked like we were hiding something.
I stayed sandwiched in between Dad and Chung as we stepped out into the mosh pit of reporters and the cameras began going off. Then the questions started.
“Katrina,what do you have to say about your mother's arrest?” The reporters nearest began shouting at me. “Do you think she's going to jail? Do you think your mother is innocent? What do you think she did? What about your father? What do you think your father is going to do to save his career? Do you think he helped her with whatever she did?Are they in it together?”
I wasn't going to answer them. I never did. They never gave a damn about what I had to say unless they thought they could use it to cause more drama.
As I followed Dad into the waiting car, Chung turned to the reporters and said, “Any and all questions you have for the commissioner will be answered at this morning's press conference. His daughter will not be answering any questions.” He climbed into the car and slammed the door shut.
I scowled out the window silently at the passing skyscrapers,apartments, and businesses. Aurora was a big city, despite the fact it was located in the middle of the Chihuahuan Desert.It had twice as many people as New York – animal lovers, mostly –and one huge drawback. It was absolutely infested with aurora Pogonas.They were a subspecies of bearded dragons that got their teal coloring from the nonlethal toxin that was found in a species of cactus that grew in the city. The founders of the city said the color reminded them of the Aurora borealis,and now everyone was obsessed with the things.
I didn't get what the big deal was. They were just a bunch of gross lizards with weird colored skin.
I shuddered and looked away from it silently, while I tried to block out the sounds of my dad talking legal jargon with Chung.
Ten minutes later, we had arrived at the Aurora City Courthouse, but this time we parked at the back away from the crowds. We needed a dramatic effect. Plus, all the rich people who pretended to like us were waiting for us in the back.
I climbed out of the car and followed Dad over to where the mayor and a few other old people in fancy clothing were waiting. I stood silently behind my dad, waiting to get this nightmare over with, so I could be done with the fake smiling, fake happy tears, and pretending to give a damn about a single person in the waiting crowd. Dad may have cared about trying to impress these people, but I just wanted them to shut the hell up. They all smiled at us through their lipo suction, botox, and face lifts, but nothing stayed hidden on the internet.
I pulled my cellphone out of my pocket and began tapping away at the social media apps. The picture of my mom from the night before had gone viral. Saw that coming. It was being used for front page articles in the Aurora Post and two newspapers from smaller, nearby towns. They said that my father had been humiliated and shamed by my mother's arrest. Well,that was nothing new.
I'd figured that out hours ago.
“Kat?”
I looked up to see my Dad beckoning to me. I put my cell in my pocket and followed him inside the back door of the courthouse. I walked across the checked, marble floors and past the grand staircase that led to all the offices silently. Then I stepped outside into the blinding sunlight and onto the front steps of the building. The crowd fell silent when we entered. There wasn't going to be any cheering today.
I took my seat beside the podium and Mr. Chung sat beside me. The mayors at on the opposite of the podium and my father stood in between us.Policemen flanked the steps in front us. Cameras went off.
“Good morning, citizens of Aurora,” Dad said, speaking into the microphone. His tone was grim and stern. Official. “My name is Daniel Kirby, and as most of you know I am the police commissioner of Aurora, but last night something happened that has devastated my family.” He paused and shuffled his cards. “Last night, my wife Ashley Kirby was arrested on charges of accessory to manslaughter.”
I heard a gasp and felt my jaw drop. Manslaughter. That was why he hadn't told me she was arrested. God, she was even stupider than I thought. What the hell had she done?
Dad went on, “I cannot say whether or not my wife is guilty of these charges, but I have faith in her innocence as does my daughter and I am here to say that we will support her, regardless of the outcome of this affair. Nonetheless, that does not change the fact that I have grossly overlooked my responsibilities as commissioner. To have overlooked something like this...” His voice broke. “...I am ashamed to say that all of this took place under my watch, and I am sorry to say that today I will be resigning as your commissioner of Aurora. I am truly sorry for my negligence, and I hope that you will all support myself and my family during the events that will follow these hard times. Thank you.” He stepped away from the podium.
More cameras.
Then the mayor went to the podium and said something about my dad answering questions in a while.
There was a Pogona on the front step of the courthouse, sunbathing.
Then I felt my dad's arm wrapped around my shoulders, and his breathingwas short and ragged. I fell into him. “I hate her, Dad,” I whispered. “I don't care anymore. I hate her.”
Even more cameras.

J.T. Chris
June 16th, 2014, 06:02 PM
It sounds like you've been giving a lot of thought to your story. That's good. It's also encouraging to see that you've written out quite a bit of it, getting some thoughts onto the page, exploring things. Kudos!

I gave this a swift read-through, and at a glance, it reads a bit rough. The sentences need a lot of tightening and scenes could unfold at a more readable pace. But you don't need to worry about all of that now. I think you're off to a very nice start here. You have an evident conflict--an inciting incident so to speak--which is a good place to start. Now your focus should be on finishing the story.

At this point, critique isn't going to benefit you. Encouragement is much more important. I absolutely think that you should keep writing this story until it's finished. I expect to read it!

Oh. Here's one minor nitpick:

Besides, they could hold us in contempt of court if we don't. - You can't be charged with Contempt of Court unless you have violated a court order. There is no court order requiring anyone to talk with the police. That goes against the Fifth Amendment! (This is America, yes? If not - ignore that).

Nice work so far. Keep it up! :-)

NerdyMJ
June 16th, 2014, 07:24 PM
It sounds like you've been giving a lot of thought to your story. That's good. It's also encouraging to see that you've written out quite a bit of it, getting some thoughts onto the page, exploring things. Kudos!

I gave this a swift read-through, and at a glance, it reads a bit rough. The sentences need a lot of tightening and scenes could unfold at a more readable pace. But you don't need to worry about all of that now. I think you're off to a very nice start here. You have an evident conflict--an inciting incident so to speak--which is a good place to start. Now your focus should be on finishing the story.

At this point, critique isn't going to benefit you. Encouragement is much more important. I absolutely think that you should keep writing this story until it's finished. I expect to read it!

Oh. Here's one minor nitpick:

Besides, they could hold us in contempt of court if we don't. - You can't be charged with Contempt of Court unless you have violated a court order. There is no court order requiring anyone to talk with the police. That goes against the Fifth Amendment! (This is America, yes? If not - ignore that).

Nice work so far. Keep it up! :-)

Hi, thanks for reading this. I'm glad you like it, but I'm not sure I understand what you mean about the sentences needing tightening. I understand that the story needs a lot of work and will require rewrites. It's something I plan on doing until I get it right, but this has been incredibly difficult for me to write. It actually started out as an experiment because I wanted to try writing with an anti-hero, but I ended up liking the idea so much it turned into this. The problem is I've never written an anti-hero and I completely disagree with just about everything my main character says or does, but that's also part of the reason why I love her.
As for your nitpick, yeah, I'm afraid I wasn't thinking properly when I threw that phrase out there. I apologize for that. I was under the impression that since the investigation against Ashley Kirby was ongoing, the police would have a court order issued for a warrant or something for evidence against, but her family has been so cooperative they probably don't need one. I will edit that out of the story, and thank you for pointing it to me.
Thanks again for reading :)

J.T. Chris
June 16th, 2014, 07:51 PM
The most important thing at this point, I think, is for you to finish writing the story. Once you've done that, it might help if you let it sit in a drawer for a while before you look at it again. When you take a break from something and come back to it with fresh eyes, you may catch things you weren't thinking about while you were writing it. That may help with some of the issues you've been having. Maybe you won't like your character so much then, or maybe you find yourself liking her even more.

To stress this again though, finishing the story is what matters the most right now.