View Full Version : Marching From Svart Torden : An eclipse of a WIP #1

June 15th, 2014, 09:31 PM
The chime of smithies deep, hammer on steel melodically and soothingly assuaging the fears of loved ones left behind, forgave the halls of Svart Torden their ignorance to the horrors that stood in front of the thousands of young dwarves departing it's cooling embrace. War axes beat upon proud chests of plate mail, lending stalwart courage to even the youngest of the troop; none would falter in pursuit of their decorated leader, stood at the forefront, a gilded beacon of resolve and ruination. The marching battalions shook the earth above and below, surely sending the mountains fluttering from their roots. The Dypet stood firm, dwarven ingenuity that had held for thousands of years, and would hold for thousands more, long past the time when the bodies of those presently occupying it's halls had faded to dust.


Dypet - Deep Roads
Svart Torden - Black Thunder Mountains to the Humans.

This is a summation of a bit from a WIP, if you'd like to see more of the process behind you can see my previous posts here:

Dwarves (http://www.writingforums.com/threads/138274-Why-don-t-I-read-about-Dwarves-more-often-in-Fantasy?highlight=)
Map (http://www.writingforums.com/threads/143828-My-Worlds-Map?highlight=)

Nippon Devil
June 16th, 2014, 11:22 PM
I think this paragraph is too sugar coated. There's a lot of adjectives (a melody is typically soothing), and some of your ideas would benefit greatly from being broken down into a few more sentences. I suggest reading your work out loud when you edit.

If you're willing to share more, I'll be able to get a better feel for your story. In regards to your dwarves topic, I do think it's possible to make a dwarf into a likable hero. If i can relate to a character sex and race don't matter.

June 17th, 2014, 05:16 AM
I think it was very good. Excellent for a short story. I couldn't see it in a novel just because...

I think this paragraph is too sugar coated.

June 18th, 2014, 12:29 AM
very well writted, spoiled with melodic description. wish this was expanded so i could know more since not much is given us here with this short, well written paragraph.

June 18th, 2014, 07:06 PM
I guess my intention was to write a paragraph that was drawing, so as to summarize a bit of my novel while maintaining aloofness.

I get the bit about the melody of the smithy. I'll try a re-write on the line when I get some more time.