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boxofbizarro
June 14th, 2014, 09:16 AM
I was happy once. I could think. I could feel. But that was before the voices started.

"You can do it. You can kill him."

I'm scared. I'm scared because I know I can. Killing someone is easy if you can't feel anything but pain. I know because I have done it. I have never learned to ride a bike or drive a car, but I can kill like I can take a picture. Just point. Click.

G. L. Argain
June 17th, 2014, 08:10 PM
I normally don't read flash fiction, but I would guess there would need to be some sort of conflict, however minor. Here, it's just the protagonist thinking about his homicidal tendencies.

son_of_lockman
June 25th, 2014, 06:28 PM
You sound like an ex-marine. Which is good. :)

The Bruce
July 15th, 2014, 03:45 AM
I came for this one after reading The Jump, but it's not as good. There's nothing much that I can identify with in there ("I was happy once. I could think. I could feel." doesn't evoke anything for me), and as a result it's not as shocking. "Click." is very stylish though, I liked that.

sparks81292
July 16th, 2014, 12:51 AM
Is this flash fiction or the start of a story or novel? You didn't clarify really... It is well written I like how the punctation chops it up like a dead body... but be careful not to border on the cliche (extremely troubled etc.) would need much more to critique or review it.

qwertyportne
July 17th, 2014, 08:26 PM
If it's the beginning of a longer story, I'd sure like to see the rest of it.

If it's flash fiction I'd like to see something more than just brevity.

It does have a certain completeness but (for me) it lacks too many of the elements of what a large percentage of authors and readers identify as a "good" story. Storytelling is the art of compelling readers to admire and respect the characters, cheer for their success and identify with their problems. But every effort to escape the jaws of the enemy puts them in greater peril. We become more and more anxious for their safety and frustrated they are repeatedly unable to outwit and overcome an increasingly vicious and powerful enemy. Just when the conflict takes the darkest turn, our heroes snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. We share in their success as if it were our own. In a good story, it is.

Following any set of guidelines can, of course, restrict the creative flow, but I left your story wanting a clearer, more complete picture of the main character's conflict, climax, choices, consequences and closure. Maybe I'm just not a good candidate for flash fiction... :)