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boxofbizarro
June 13th, 2014, 01:54 AM
The Jump

The trip was a short one. I had always imagined that it would take a lot longer to fall thirty stories. It wasnít as scary as I had thought either. Standing on the ledge, I didnít think I would be able to do it. I thought that I would chicken out. If she wasnít there to watch, I think I would have. Figuratively speaking, she gave me that little push I needed. I mean, this was all her fault anyway. She should get to see it.
The fake tears were rolling down her cheeks. She really didn't want me to kill myself, but she also didnít believe that I would do it. She had to fake her tears, thinking that would bring me off the ledge. It did alright. You should have seen her face when I jumped. For a second, I thought she was going to follow. Maybe she would have if it wasnít for her new lover. She didnít love him the way she loved me and I could have gotten her back whenever I wanted, but this was much more satisfying.
I watched her as I was falling. Her expressions got harder to see as I got farther away. I heard her screaming and I thought I saw a tear catch up with me. As a matter of fact, I felt it hit my cheek. I only thought about catching her with that bastard during the fall. I thought your life was supposed to flash before your eyes. Maybe I just fell too quickly.

InspektorF
June 17th, 2014, 04:14 PM
This is very well done.

LunarFuror
July 1st, 2014, 10:26 AM
This was a fantastic little piece. I've rarely, if ever, seen this type of piece before. You see tons of movies and terrible situations in books but few ever end this way so bluntly and with acceptance by the character.

Canjul
July 12th, 2014, 02:24 AM
Pretty visceral and tragic, so I suppose it achieves its aim quite admirably. The detail of the tear catching up to him is especially moving and deeply disquieting.

The Bruce
July 15th, 2014, 03:36 AM
I bloody loved this.

sparks81292
July 16th, 2014, 12:54 AM
Extremely precise and punctual in how it is written. I like your style of writing, kind of more implicit than explicit I feel like I read the whole back story to the situation just by reading the paragraph... Are you working on anything longer? This could even be a really really cool intro to a novel or short story.

DarkPunzel
July 19th, 2014, 04:58 AM
This is very straight forward. You understand very quickly what is happening and then you get really into it and then its over. That's really unique I think for this type of work. I enjoyed it!

Maybe I just fell too quickly.
This last part really made me fall in love with the piece. Kind of like a catch phrase or something. A very memorable line!

Greimour
July 19th, 2014, 09:14 AM
I really enjoyed this piece. The last line really got to me too... The perfect way to end it, truly.

As I read it, I habitually entered 'critique' mode and felt there were a few touch ups you could do, but really there was only one detraction for me.


I heard her screaming and I thought I saw a tear catch up with me. As a matter of fact, I felt it hit my cheek.

Really can't bring myself to like that little bit.



I heard her screaming and almost smiled. Would have too, had I not noticed a tear catching up to me. I even felt it as it hit my cheek.


Felt something more along those lines would be a bigger impact and better imagery, but maybe that's just me.


I am very glad I came and read this piece, thanks for sharing and nice work.


~Kev.

son_of_lockman
July 21st, 2014, 07:44 PM
The Jump

The trip was a short one. I had always imagined that it would take a lot longer to fall thirty stories. It wasn’t as scary as I had thought either. Standing on the ledge, I didn’t think I would be able to do it. I thought that I would chicken out. If she wasn’t there to watch, I think I would have. Figuratively speaking, she gave me that little push I needed. I mean, this was all her fault anyway. She should get to see it.
The fake tears were rolling down her cheeks. She really didn't want me to kill myself, but she also didn’t believe that I would do it. She had to fake her tears, thinking that would bring me off the ledge. It did alright. You should have seen her face when I jumped. For a second, I thought she was going to follow. Maybe she would have if it wasn’t for her new lover. She didn’t love him the way she loved me and I could have gotten her back whenever I wanted, but this was much more satisfying.
I watched her as I was falling. Her expressions got harder to see as I got farther away. I heard her screaming and I thought I saw a tear catch up with me. As a matter of fact, I felt it hit my cheek. I only thought about catching her with that bastard during the fall. I thought your life was supposed to flash before your eyes. Maybe I just fell too quickly.

I like ''The Jump'' with just a few word changes.

Sonny :)

The trip was a short one. I had always thought that it would take a lot longer to fall thirty stories. It wasn’t as scary as I had thought. Standing on the ledge, I didn’t think I would be able to do it. I thought that I would turn yellow. If she wasn’t there to watch, I think I would have. Actually she gave me that little push I needed. I mean, this was all her fault anyway. She should get to see it.
The fake tears were rolling down her cheeks. She really didn't want me to kill myself, but she also didn’t believe that I would do it. She had to fake her tears, thinking that would bring me off the ledge. It did alright. You should have seen her face when I jumped. For a second, I thought she was going to follow. Maybe she would have if it wasn’t for her new lover. She didn’t love him the way she loved me and I could have gotten her back whenever I wanted, but this was much more satisfying.
I watched her as I was falling. Her expressions got harder to see as I got farther away. I heard her screaming and I thought I saw a tear catch up with me. As a matter of fact, I felt it hit my cheek. I only thought about catching her with that bastard during the fall. I thought your life was supposed to flash before your eyes. Maybe I just fell too quickly.

son_of_lockman
July 21st, 2014, 07:47 PM
Pretty visceral and tragic.

Drama is tragic and that's why this is good. :)

We want to reach down into someone's gut with it.

thepancreas11
July 25th, 2014, 11:17 PM
You included only the words that needed to be there to prove your point. That to me says you have the perfect touch in this situation and is the highest compliment I can dole out. Could you have included some more imagery, some more information, a little more background? Absolutely. But all of those things would have taken away from the beauty of the brevity. Honestly, you made a great show of this. I wish I could offer more of a critique, but I found it extremely well done.

Perhaps try your hand at some more flash fiction?