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Kevin
June 13th, 2014, 01:21 AM
First the sound of the straight pipe, loud, to the point of… very loud, getting louder. Then the machine and rider come into view. Heads are turned. Impossibly loud, black leathers, ape hangers: a small figure on a very large chopper pulls up to the drop off curb under the wide porte-cochere.

Engine off, the rider pops the full face, predator style, a hint of gasses and dissipating mist.

Helmet off, and in more of a statement than a question, a loud “S’uuup.”

No answer, just stares from the touristas. Your typical mix: goofy Midwesterners, addicted gamblers, bimbos, gold-diggers, businessmen out for a weekend drunk, arrogant pricks looking for action, house-fraus or co-workers looking for some… people there to party.

She picks one out: “Hey you…pumps an’ furs…how’d you like to fall for the leader of the pack?”

NerdyMJ
June 13th, 2014, 07:13 AM
I'm not sure why, but I find this hilarious. I find your character to be reminiscent of Lisbeth Salander and that just makes them, like, perfect to me. I also really like the way you described the bike coming into view. It's perfect because it's exactly what goes through my head whenever a motorcycle pulls up near me. It's very real, I guess I'm trying to say.
Great job.

thepancreas11
June 13th, 2014, 04:36 PM
Not what I expected. Not sure who this character is, but she's compelling. I enjoyed this. Wish I had more to say, but it's kind of on the shorter side.

J.T. Chris
June 13th, 2014, 05:00 PM
You've got a nice staccato voice. It reads lyrically. Too short to critique anything else, but the language is rich enough to hold my interest. I'm anxious to read more of this, actually.

One minor nitpick:

Engine off, the rider pops the full face, predator style, a hint of gasses and dissipating mist. - You lost me on the whole Predator reference. I think the writing is stronger without it. Though you may be going for pop culture with this piece, and I don't know anything about your world to make the context of the film appropriate, so it's hard to critique without anything more.

Kevin
June 13th, 2014, 09:44 PM
Some thing I wrote feeling ...light.

Nerdy- 'Hilarious'? Yes, it's over the top. A bunch of image: poser imposing noise and presence over those around her. I laugh too. Lisbeth?... oh yeah, she's hot. Duh-am! :)
P11- not sure, either. I hadn't any plans. Like a short dream or a poem, just a scene. Thought I would share the view.
JT- too short? Yes. Hmmm (can I expand this?). Thank you for the read. Eliminate the Predator reference? Yes, I can do that. Sort of dates it or something. Why not? Thank you, again. And nice links you've got there. Cool :)

Paulbee
June 15th, 2014, 03:10 PM
Liked this a lot, Kevin, the lass put me in mind of Claudia in 'Warehouse 13'. She could easily fit into the part, 'S'up ma bitches?' kind of thing. Any more in the pipeline by any chance?

escorial
June 15th, 2014, 03:16 PM
liked the shortness and a very easy quick read..liked