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View Full Version : [Fantasy] The Book of Chaos: -Chapter 1: Shenanigans of a God-



Cylver
June 11th, 2014, 09:02 AM
Per request and recommendation I have uploaded this first chapter to my novel. You can find the prologue here (http://www.writingforums.com/threads/147444-Fantasy-The-Book-of-Chaos-Prologue-In-The-Beginning). Around 2300 words.


Chapter 1: Shenanigans Of A God

Everrin. A universe full of stars, planets and three slightly egotistical entities who called themselves the Origin Gods. They stood back to back to back, looking at 'their' wondrous creation. The beautiful unique planets, the shining stars - radiating immense heat - the ever-expanding galax-

"Right I'm bored, party time!" Farjack yelled, breaking the mood with his overly loud voice. He turned to see the other two gods staring at him with irritation brooding on their emotionless faces. "What?" he asked with a hint of disappointment, "It was just a suggestion..."
The two didn't say anything but just looked at each other and then back to the suit of armour. "Fine then, what do you want to do?"

And with that Danae turned to face the vast emptiness that had not yet been occupied with creation. The God of Death held his hands out slightly apart from each other and began spinning his energy between them. The power grouped together and - like water vapour forming a cloud - a small red orb of crackling power formed between his bony hands.
Zade observed in curiosity while Farjack watched speechlessly as if his jaw had dropped under the helmet. Danae continued pushing his energy into the sphere until it grew to fill a third of the space before him. The development took its toll on the god's strength, he waited for the excited energy to calm before sending his dark power back into the red orb.
The empty space filled with molten lava and mountainous plains of crimson rock. Exhausted the god calmly spoke, "I want my home, sweet home." He was impressed with what was to be the beginning of his new realm.

Zade tutted as he turned to the right third of the emptiness, curious as to Danae's intentions in creating a home but also wanting a part of the fun.
He copied the reaper's actions, moving with more fluid motions than the Death God. The sphere he created was calmer and was a lovely dark-purple colour, it took a more cloud-like structure than the crackling red realm.
Inside, the god placed floating islands of dirt and seeded them with black and white strands of grass. In the middle he carved an island much larger than the rest and grew a meadow laced with black and white flowers. In the very middle he planted a black and white sapling which he would nurture into the heart of his realm.
He felt the exhaustion that appeared to affect Danae, to create something from nothing was to use an abundance of energy. Annoyance masked Danae's skeletal face.

Farjack just floated, staring in amazement. Over the millennia many hypotheses arose around his frozen state. The Cult of Swvi from the Dero System concluded that their micro-fly god - named Swvijevkino - had snuck up Farjack's nose and poisoned his brain causing a temporary state of paralysis. The cultists believe that this action then created a domino effect that ended in the Swvi winning the Deroiv war against the Ovilans.
Another theory decided by the Jorganorjv mages - whom follow the false teachings of a prophet who claims to have been touched by the cursed hand of the Death God - was that Danae knew the God of Warriors was about to do something incredibly stupid and restrained him.
But the reality of the situation was that Farjack was so deep in thought that he had briefly erased his memory.

From the far distance came a faint scream, whatever it had originated from was obviously in great pain but there was still something comforting about the sound. "What was that?" echoed Zade,

"It was the power of my thoughts," stated the knight god, obviously believing his strength to be as great as his ego.

"No it sounded like-" the skeleton begun before being interrupted by another yell of pain causing Zade and Danae to turn their heads in different directions.s

"Another being," the God of Duality finished for him. He reached out with his senses to locate the owner but when he finally locked onto a vague location Danae was leaps and bounds ahead of him. "Show-off."

---

The screams grew louder as the two deities made their way towards the general direction. Shortly they arrived at a small, barely visible crack in reality like a black lightning bold scarring the universe. As Zade stared into it he felt it reach out to his soul calmly and then attempting to snatch it away with an iron fist. For a god it was easy to resist but any mortal would have their conscience ripped from them in mere seconds leaving an empty husk.

Danae decided to analyse the situation, "It appears as though this is the center of everything that exists," he stated with a metaphorical glint in his eye socket.

"You mean the place where you blew up?" snickered the approaching black and white deity which was returned with an undecipherable glance. "Do you think they are in there?" he asked worriedly.

"I don't know, the vortex is mangling my senses as I'm sure it is yours."

Zade had noticed his senses dampening the closer they got. Whatever it was, it was powerful. But you didn't need godlike analysis to know that when the God of Death begun to pour his energy into the unknown that he had a stupid plan. Why not join him? he thought, Nothing to lose right? As he considered the amount of thought put into this action he decided to let the abyss drain his already lowered energy.

It took a few minutes to see any difference. The crack begun to grow until it was twice the size of the gods and somehow a silhouette appeared in the darkness. The screams had stopped as if the source now had enough hope to make an effort not to give up it's life. The strain of exhaustion bore down on Zade as he conjured two orbs, one of black and one of white, and forced them through. Trying to keep them from being drained into the nothingness he made them collide with the silhouette. Taking advantage of a sudden surge of energy he pulled the orbs back towards him. At an unpredictable speed the shadow approached them before colliding with immense strength with the god's stomach.

---

"Hello?" a calm comforting voice called out, catching Zade's unconscious mind. "Is he okay?" it asked causing the pain in the Duality God's stomach to slowly fade as he returned to reality.

"He'll be fine," came the numbing voice of death as a sudden snap back to reality.

Zade's vision returned to his ethereal eyes to view a beautiful woman. She was clad in silver-plated chain-mail, plate greaves and sabatons that were all trimmed around the edges with a dark blue. She was closely inspecting him but quickly withdrew once she realised he had come to. Her physique was agile and she moved with elegance but her stature gave her an aura of strength and authority and she radiated with positive energy that raised the god's spirit as though he could do anything. She had long brown hair that appeared to move in a wave-like motion all the way down past her knees.

"Are you okay?" she chuckled slightly, "You took quite the head-butt." She offered her hand to help the god get his balance in the gravity-less sea of space that after a moment of hesitation he took. She was definitely like the distant memory of a human but her skin was tinted green like a plant stem and her calm dark-blue eyes were fluorescent.

"I am fine," he said wearing the impression of a smile on his face, "My name is Zade, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance," he finished, shaking her hand.

"Sera. And the pleasure is mine." The newcomer turned to Danae who was quietly stalking the situation back near the crack, still absorbing energy. "Is he your friend?" she asked with a grin. "He's rather unpleasant," she giggled.

Zade turned his attention to the reaper who was now blatantly staring at them through empty eyes. "Really? I didn't notice," he said sarcastically causing the God of Death to laugh aloud, announcing his eavesdropping. "Don't mind him, I don't think he's ever conversed with a complete stranger, besides he got blown up recently. It's enough to make anyone grumpy."

A quizzical look from Sera was met by Danae who had approached them before they realised. "We should probably introduce you to our other member, he's far worse than the two of us combined."

And with that the three made their way back to Farjack. The entire way Danae recited an over-the-top fictional story of how he created the universe. When they arrived they saw the God of Warriors standing in the exact same position as how they left him except this time all thirds of the vast emptiness before him was occupied by a massive gold and white mansion sitting on delicate clouds.

"Whoa," blurted out the newcomer,

"Yes indeed... whoa..." Zade parroted.

"So!" Farjack suddenly shouted with paramount gusto, "What do you think?"

Danae floated up slowly, "What do I think..? What do I think..? WHAT DO I THINK?!" He yelled fueled by irritation. The god's hands went to his scythe and Zade was there in a flash to hold back the raging reaper even though he couldn't scratch the knight's armour let alone hurt him.

"I think what he means to say is; what did you do to our realms?" the God of Duality said letting go of the now - less agitated - God of Death. The question went unanswered as Farjack had now taken awareness to the shying female companion who stood behind.

"Excuse my manners!" he mumbled loudly, "Who might you be my lady?" he said, kneeling down and pressing her hand against his helmet as if to mimic a nobleman kissing the hand of a fair maiden.

She blushed slightly at the change of tone from the giant warrior and replied, "Sera."

"I am Farjack, God of Warriors and Nobles. And what might you be goddess of exactly?" he asked politely, now standing. The other gods looked at each other in confusion, Zade didn't think about whether she was a goddess or what she might represent.

Sera went silent and dipped her head at the question, apparently lost in thought as if bringing up bad memories, or none at all. "I... don't know..." she whispered almost inaudibly, "Am I a goddess?" she asked to no-one in particular. "All I can remember is that I am a member of a race called the Ocurasha and that I was referred to as the Guardian of Hope," she said disappointed. Either at the realization that she probably wasn't the same as her new friends, or at the realization of her amnesia.

"Well, lady guardian," Farjack said attempting to mend the mood, "Could I be so honored as to give you a tour of my humble abode?" he asked, bowing and offering his hand.

"Yes speaking of homes, where is mine?" interrupted Danae selfishly.

The Knight God paid little attention to his friend and pointed in a direction to his right, "Eh somewhere that way, you should find it in no time at all." The way he emphasized those last words made Zade feel uneasy. Farjack grabbed Sera's hand as she slowly offered it and pulled her towards the manor like a child would drag a new friend to see their super cool tree-house. The Guardians mouth hung open the entire way as she attempted to keep up. Zade and Danae were left alone to search for their misplaced homes.

---

The tour had been a very long one but each room of the massive palace had captivated Sera. Farjack was happy that she expressed honestly what she disliked - which was next to nothing - and how she was left in awe at the rest of it. They sat in the foyer of the mansion, a large room with white wallpaper and gold pillars, furniture and decorum. A large water tank filled the center of the room and Farjack was sitting on a golden threaded, white sofa facing it.

"How did you manage all this in such a short space of time?" asked the bewildered Guardian as she stood in front of the tank watching atwo-headed shark devouring a golden eel. Each time it finished it's meal another eel slithered from the underwater foliage ad if escaping the stomach of the blue-white monster.

Farjack hesitated. "I can use more of my power because there is more of it to use," he claimed with pride. Sera gave him a look that read 'Seriously?' to which the god responded with "I knew you'd understand," apparently smiling beneath the grating of his helmet. The knight was breathing heavily, it seemed that creating a marvelous and grand home came with the cost of an enormous amount of energy. He looked like he was going to stand up and any point but couldn't muster the strength to do so.

Sera thought about the select individuals whom she had met with. These gods. They deemed her a goddess, and one of their own but there was no way she could be as powerful as these strange beings. What was their past, did they come from the same place she could barely remember? Where did she even come from? All she knew she had told them, the first thing she could consciously remember was seeing the white crack with a silhouette pulling her towards him.

The Guardian thought she would use this time as an opportunity to learn something about the God of Warriors and as she thought this he collapsed on the sofa. Then a sudden sense of vertigo overtook her and just before she to collapsed, she saw Zade bursting into the room.

G. L. Argain
June 11th, 2014, 10:43 PM
Judging by what I've read (Sorry, I haven't gotten to the prologue), you have a very interesting concept going. Adding humor to the gods' characters was a nice touch. However, there are a couple things about your writing style that you should improve on.


A quizzical look from Sera was met by Danae who had approached them before they realised.

This is an example of passive voice, which weakens the action that the intended character makes. Unless you really want to keep this type of style, active voice is generally better: "Danae gave Sera a quizzical look as he approached them before they realized."
Even then, "before they realized" sounds out of place. All I can suggest is to look at it thoroughly and figure out a better, more interesting way to write how Sera and Zade were unaware of Danae's presence/entrance.

Cylver
June 12th, 2014, 09:05 AM
Judging by what I've read (Sorry, I haven't gotten to the prologue), you have a very interesting concept going. Adding humor to the gods' characters was a nice touch. However, there are a couple things about your writing style that you should improve on.



This is an example of passive voice, which weakens the action that the intended character makes. Unless you really want to keep this type of style, active voice is generally better: "Danae gave Sera a quizzical look as he approached them before they realized."
Even then, "before they realized" sounds out of place. All I can suggest is to look at it thoroughly and figure out a better, more interesting way to write how Sera and Zade were unaware of Danae's presence/entrance.

Hello G.L.
I would recommend reading the prologue before the first chapter, it sets the setting and you'll probably be a bit lost without it. xD

Yes reading it over I can see what you mean. It's supposed to be Sera looking quizzically at Zade and then Danae appearing from thin air to interrupt them. I'll keep my eye out for stuff like this in the future. Is there any other problems you can spot?

Thank you for reading :)

Paulbee
June 12th, 2014, 04:48 PM
Okay you asked for suggestions for improvement. Is "Breaking the mood with his overly loud voice" (2nd para) really necessary? Same paragraph, their "irritation on emotionless faces" doesn't really work.
"Another theory decided by the Jorganorjv mages - whom follow the false teachings" a minor point but it should be 'who' not 'whom'.
"They sat in the foyer of the mansion, a large room with white wallpaper and gold pillars, furniture and decorum" 'Decorum' is an abstract concept referring to the way people should behave in polite society. Perhaps you meant the style in which the room was decorated, 'art deco' or 'art noveux' or in my case, 'explosion in a fire damaged furniture factory'?
"and just before she to collapsed," 'too'? although it still feels slightly off. 'She also collapsed' perhaps? Just bits and pieces that I'm sure you'd have picked up on during your second draft.

Cylver
June 12th, 2014, 07:55 PM
Okay you asked for suggestions for improvement. Is "Breaking the mood with his overly loud voice" (2nd para) really necessary? Same paragraph, their "irritation on emotionless faces" doesn't really work.
"Another theory decided by the Jorganorjv mages - whom follow the false teachings" a minor point but it should be 'who' not 'whom'.
"They sat in the foyer of the mansion, a large room with white wallpaper and gold pillars, furniture and decorum" 'Decorum' is an abstract concept referring to the way people should behave in polite society. Perhaps you meant the style in which the room was decorated, 'art deco' or 'art noveux' or in my case, 'explosion in a fire damaged furniture factory'?
"and just before she to collapsed," 'too'? although it still feels slightly off. 'She also collapsed' perhaps? Just bits and pieces that I'm sure you'd have picked up on during your second draft.

Thank you for your feedback. As you can tell i'm not the best with grammar and sorta just write whatever comes to mind. Grammar isn't my biggest priority, that would be how good the story is but grammar is still pretty important. I missed that 'decorum', I meant to write 'decor' which is the furnishing and decoration of a room. Some of the things like:



and just before she [too] collapsed


are just my writing style. Unless there is a big problem with that I don't plan on changing it (except for the typo).
Oh and:


irritation on their emotionless faces

Is due to the fact that they do not have facial features so the emotions their face would be making is sorta just felt by the person looking at them, like they know they are smiling, or frowning.

Thank you for reading :)

G. L. Argain
June 12th, 2014, 09:17 PM
Hello G.L.
I would recommend reading the prologue before the first chapter, it sets the setting and you'll probably be a bit lost without it. xD

Yes reading it over I can see what you mean. It's supposed to be Sera looking quizzically at Zade and then Danae appearing from thin air to interrupt them. I'll keep my eye out for stuff like this in the future. Is there any other problems you can spot?

Thank you for reading :smile:

Okay, I've now read the prologue. It gave me plenty of details that explained the three gods appearances, personalities, and the universe they've created, but all in all it wasn't truly necessary after reading the first chapter - and to me that can be a good thing. Since I started on the first chapter rather than the prologue, I guessed that the three gods knew each other, that they had suddenly created a universe, and I could read on from there without feeling lost. The prologue gave me details that made the beginning of the story more enjoyable, but it didn't provide anything imperative to the plot. In my mind, that's how a prologue should be: sprinkles on the cake that is your book.

Ooh, and just for the record, you said at the prologue that you fear the feedback that you'll get? I often fear the feedback that I send out - that I may accidentally provide something incorrect while thinking I'm right. But writing forums such as this site work well both ways, and that's why we're all here.

Cylver
June 13th, 2014, 04:16 PM
Okay, I've now read the prologue. It gave me plenty of details that explained the three gods appearances, personalities, and the universe they've created, but all in all it wasn't truly necessary after reading the first chapter - and to me that can be a good thing. Since I started on the first chapter rather than the prologue, I guessed that the three gods knew each other, that they had suddenly created a universe, and I could read on from there without feeling lost. The prologue gave me details that made the beginning of the story more enjoyable, but it didn't provide anything imperative to the plot. In my mind, that's how a prologue should be: sprinkles on the cake that is your book.

Ooh, and just for the record, you said at the prologue that you fear the feedback that you'll get? I often fear the feedback that I send out - that I may accidentally provide something incorrect while thinking I'm right. But writing forums such as this site work well both ways, and that's why we're all here.
Thanks :)
I get both the fear of getting feedback and giving it. I feel like my opinions are worth less than opinions different to mine if the other opinion is agreed to by more than one person.

J.T. Chris
June 13th, 2014, 04:21 PM
Thanks :)
I get both the fear of getting feedback and giving it. I feel like my opinions are worth less than opinions different to mine if the other opinion is agreed to by more than one person.

Definitely not true at all. That kind of revision can be detrimental to a writer. Never undervalue your own input.

Cylver
June 13th, 2014, 06:05 PM
Definitely not true at all. That kind of revision can be detrimental to a writer. Never undervalue your own input.
Thank you. I try not to but still just who I am xD

Cylver
June 19th, 2014, 09:16 PM
So recently I got a new beta reader and she has read the Prologue and first Chapter and this was her reply.


Ok she says she is going to look again but mianly it's the very beggining when you describe the nothingness
and she says you need to put more stuff about mood and feelings more than the look of things
other than that she says it's very good and she likes it

(relayed through my first beta reader)

Does anyone have any comments on that?