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Cpkeyes
June 7th, 2014, 10:19 PM
Note-This is done in the style of The Pigman. Basically one of the main characters narrates one section, then the other one narrates the next section. Also, this is how far I have gotten, most of my day has been made up of world building.


A Canary and Raven (Working title)
Act one “My new angel”
Narrator-Joca.

My friends were dead their corpses lying motionless on the grass in front of me. I was the only one left, god knows why me out of all of them, all of them smarter than me and yet I was the only one to survive. I held tightly to my pistol, saying a prayer before being interrupted by the sound of someone, female, counting money. “Twelve, thirteen…fourteen bucks” I heard her count. I took a peek out of my hiding spot, a wooden shed and saw the one responsible for my friend’s deaths. She was only about nineteen from the looks of it, wearing a white blouse with a blue skirt that ended at her ankles, her black hair tied in a bun, the sleeves of her blouse rolled up. Her back was turned, busy checking one of the corpses pockets. Taking the opportunity to sneak up on her, I sneaked out of the wooden shed and took out my wooden club. She stood up as I got to her; I bonked her on the head with my club causing her to collapse to the ground. There was no blood or anything coming from her head, at least there was no pool of blood.

I stared at her for a minute, noticing she was quite attractive, I began to think of all the ways to get revenge on this girl, envisioning all the praise I will get for capturing her, I snapped back into reality. I picked her up, grabbing her arms then pulling her up before putting my arms under her arms and put her over my shoulder and kissed by silver canary pendent, then began to walk out of this place.

She didn’t wake up on my walk back to my remaining friends at our camp, were we talked about our crimes and counted our spoils. Well, at least my friends, I was always told to do some field work and cook for them and put on watch while they got drunk and used their spoils. I was always given the leftovers. After another minute of walking I was at our base…and they just stared at me. The silence was broken by my boss-Luzara. “Are you freaking retarded?” He said in a tone that told me I had done something wrong. This surprised me, as I have finally did something useful I would of thought.

“What boss?” I asked ,putting the girl down gently a confused look on my face.

“I told you to kill her!” My boss yelled before noticing the three others that came with where not here.

“Where are the others?” He asked, I could tell he was very angry, his hands clenched in fist.

“Dead” I said not even a second after he asked. He walked up to me, a scowl on his face, his black hair unkempt and a beard freely growing on his face. He punched me in the face then grabbed my throat screaming.

“You are freaking retarded!” as he held my throat tightly. I began to try and struggle out, but his grip was too strong. The other three just laughed and watched as he abused me. One of them walked up to the girl and poked her with his toe. She stirred.

“Hey boss, what are we going to with this one?” He asked, my boss didn’t even turn his head.

“Whatever you want to do, just kill her afterwards” He said which brought a smile to his face. He kneeled down and brought his face close to the girl’s cheek. A second later a knife went through his head; I had no doubt that he was died; no one can survive being stabbed in the brain. Right? The others turned and went to grab their weapons, but not before the girl quickly grabbed the dead man’s pistol and fired, killing all three of them before they could even draw their weapons. My boss let me go, throwing me to the ground and reached for his pistol. A pistol shot was heard….my boss was died before he could even draw his pistol, a shot straight to the forehead. The girl walked up to me, and pointed her newly acquired pistol at my head. End of Joca narration.

InstituteMan
June 7th, 2014, 10:53 PM
Nice work. I don't know how this fits into your larger plan, but with just this to go on I felt a little disoriented. Starting in the middle of the action is a grat idea, but I found myself wondering how the narrator wound up in a shed without being noticed. Did the one girl kill all the people? Later on, I thought the boss was dead from the knife, but then he kept fighting. I felt like I was a detail or two away from being able to get a picture in my head.

On a sentence level, there are some verb issues like "my boss was died" instead of dead. There is also some repetitive words, like a version of "sneak" used multiple times in a single sentence early on and an avalanche of three uses of "arms" in a single sentence a little later.

All of that said, this is an engaging story and well told. Tightening may be in order, but it seems to me you have a good start here. Well done!

Cpkeyes
June 7th, 2014, 11:08 PM
Nice work. I don't know how this fits into your larger plan, but with just this to go on I felt a little disoriented. Starting in the middle of the action is a grat idea, but I found myself wondering how the narrator wound up in a shed without being noticed. Did the one girl kill all the people? Later on, I thought the boss was dead from the knife, but then he kept fighting. I felt like I was a detail or two away from being able to get a picture in my head.

On a sentence level, there are some verb issues like "my boss was died" instead of dead. There is also some repetitive words, like a version of "sneak" used multiple times in a single sentence early on and an avalanche of three uses of "arms" in a single sentence a little later.

All of that said, this is an engaging story and well told. Tightening may be in order, but it seems to me you have a good start here. Well done!
Thank you!

This is going to be the first act of the parents of Illgoth, an emperor that is still relevant in the 30th century when he died in the 21st.

I also have an idea for a symbolism in the story-Joca who has been free throughout his life has a silver pendant with a canary on it, a bird associated with freedom, while the girl who has been trapped in a house for most of her life gets a silver pendant with a key on it.

The girl is also good with stealth and is a better shot than the male main, so I think that explains how she was able to kill three people. The narrator just ran when things went south.

The male main is also uneducated, abandoned by his parents, which is why he thinks everyone is smarter then him.

Freezeblink
June 7th, 2014, 11:48 PM
Overall very good. It does leave me wondering what is going on so as a hook it works nicely. I would just like to offer a couple tips to improve your writing.


as he held my throat tightly.
Try to avoid sentences that end in adverbs. Here you could replace 'held' with 'gripped' or 'clutched'. I'm guilty of it myself, but after I've gone through and edited out some of my adverbs in my own writing my sentences become much better. This may just be more personal preference though.


I could tell he was very angry, his hands clenched in fist.
Something that I like to do is to describe thoughts and emotions instead of just stating them. Instead of the sentence containing 'he was very angry' continue with your description of what his anger looks like, or at the very least save the 'he was angry' sentence until after you have described the anger. Maybe include something that explains why she knew he was angry from previous experience. 'Veins around his arm bulged as he clenched his fists. His furrowed brow and piercing eyes reminded me of the last time I had screwed up and I prepared to for the fury he would release from my response.'

Anyway these are just some tips I follow. Additionally I really enjoy stories from multiple character's perspectives so I hope to be reading more from you soon. Enjoyable read and keep writing!

Paulbee
June 8th, 2014, 10:39 PM
I was interested in the basic idea of the story but did feel you could really do with going back to it and strip it down to the bare minimum.

"My friends were dead their corpses lying motionless on the grass in front of me. I was the only one left, god knows why me out of all of them, all of them smarter than me and yet I was the only one to survive" Overegging the pudding was my first impression here.
"My friends were dead, their corpses lay before me." would be enough surely? Don't see why their being smarter makes any difference. They were lying on grass inside a wood shed?
Try to use all five senses. The smell of cordite, blood and other bodily substances, if the gun battle took place inside a confined space, your character's ears would be ringing. Why did he 'bonk' her on the head? She was unarmed, he was armed. Creeping up behind her would be risky, why not just force her out of the place at gunpoint? The fact that there was no pool of blood has already be established by the fact that no blood had spilled from her head. Try to make each word count. People may say that there is a certain amount of padding out going on here. Thanks for posting this up, I look forward to reading more.

Cpkeyes
June 8th, 2014, 10:46 PM
I was interested in the basic idea of the story but did feel you could really do with going back to it and strip it down to the bare minimum.

"My friends were dead their corpses lying motionless on the grass in front of me. I was the only one left, god knows why me out of all of them, all of them smarter than me and yet I was the only one to survive" Overegging the pudding was my first impression here.
"My friends were dead, their corpses lay before me." would be enough surely? Don't see why their being smarter makes any difference. They were lying on grass inside a wood shed?
Try to use all five senses. The smell of cordite, blood and other bodily substances, if the gun battle took place inside a confined space, your character's ears would be ringing. Why did he 'bonk' her on the head? She was unarmed, he was armed. Creeping up behind her would be risky, why not just force her out of the place at gunpoint? The fact that there was no pool of blood has already be established by the fact that no blood had spilled from her head. Try to make each word count. People may say that there is a certain amount of padding out going on here. Thanks for posting this up, I look forward to reading more.
Joca is uneducated hence why he said they where all smarter than him.

He hid in the shed to take cover, it was an ambush by the girl. As for bonking her on the head, he thought she was too dangerous to keep awake. Should of probably added that now that I think about it.

Paulbee
June 8th, 2014, 11:09 PM
He hid in the shed, fair enough, but there's still the issue of the grass. Sounds picky I know but some people are a bit pedantic (me!). Hitting a vital organ first time is incredibly difficult, realistically with three armed men to take down, she'd need more than one shot per man to kill them all. Try and place the men as well, I get the impression that one of them is to one side of her, making the situation even more difficult. A bit of research would be useful here. SWAT teams are instructed to fire three shots, two to the body and one to the head to be sure of a kill. Don't just watch movies and take it for granted that the hero always hits the bad guys first time.