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lzbeth97
June 6th, 2014, 05:29 AM
Lifeless hazel eyes stared at her as she looked into the mirror. She tried to remember how full of life they used to be. The stinging cut on her wrist brought her gaze down to the sink to find a stream of blood. Quickly she rinsed the blood off of her and the sink erasing the evidence. After bandaging her wrist she put an over sized sweatshirt on. She was going to another day of hell. A school filled with people who hated her and teachers who look at her with pity. She had one friend in this world. One person who actually seemed to care. One person who would miss her at first but easily get over it.

School that day went on as usual except she wasn't the same. Her best friend had ignored her. For the first time in her life she felt absolutely alone. Maybe she shouldn't have admitted her feelings for him. She had ruined the one thing in her life that made her smile even a little. As she walked home she knew what she was going to do. Her father's gun cabinet was always unlocked.

She could no longer find a reason to stay. Everyone hated her and she hated everyone, if she had the motivation she would take them all with her. They did this to her. After years of them calling her fat and ugly she couldn't take it anymore. She tried asking for help only for her mother to call her an attention whore. She had the courage and the motivation to kill herself. Walking into the house she wrote her note:

Dear Mother, Father, and David,

I love you all. I cannot live like this anymore. I can't take the humiliation or anything. I'm so dead inside I can't take it. No hope. I'm sorry.

Love,

Emily

She grabbed the handgun from her father's cabinet and imagined them finding her in the bathroom. Her caramel colored hair would be soaked in blood. For a moment she panicked. Regaining her courage she made her way to the bathroom. She pressed the cold metal against her head and placed her finger on the trigger. This was it she would finally be free. Slowly she pulled the trigger and a loud bang echoed throughout the bathroom. Her eyes staring wide open at the door as blood pooled from her head. The gun loosely laying in her hand beside her.

Her mother found her an hour later. Those lifeless eyes staring at her. Her mother dropped and a sob escaped her lips. She cradled her cold dead child calling out for God to have mercy. Panicking she dialed 911 in hopes there was a chance. Emily's father came home as soon as he got the call his daughter had killed herself. Shortly after David had been notified.

David had felt the worst out of everybody. He had ignored his best friend and had to watch as people pretended they cared about her. If only she had given him time to think of what to say to her. He went to school only to be pitied by everyone. His few friends kept their distances unsure of what to say to comfort him. Emily had meant so much to him. She was gone and had left him broken. If only he had been there for her instead of cowering away like a child.

Life moved on for the town. Slowly people forgot about Emily all except her family and David. Slowly their wounds healed though. They begin to smile and laugh again. After months of therapy David finally visited her grave where he said goodbye to her. The hardest words he ever had to say to her were the only ones he knew she could never reply to.

J Anfinson
June 10th, 2014, 03:33 AM
It's so sad when people can't see that there's always something to live for. Thank you for the reminder that no matter how bad things seem, the people around us care a lot more than we sometimes think. The only advice I can think of for this story is that the pacing is a little fast, and if you would slow it down a little bit by adding more description to each scene, and possibly using scene breaks to transition from the expanded scenes you could turn this into a much longer story. Hope that helps, and if you would like a more in-depth critique let me know and I'll treat it as if it were my own.

Elvenswordsman
June 10th, 2014, 03:38 AM
It's a difficult topic to write on, and you approached it well. I've got issue with some of your grammar, but it seems crass to approach this as a general critique.

You evoke a lot of emotion; I have dated girls who don't know how to deal with their emotions in different ways, and turn to self harm. It's a hard piece to read, because it hits home in a lot of ways.

Congrats, it's well done. I'd like to draw your mind to punctuation, as you could make better use of it (colons, semi-colons, commas, etc.). Also, the middle of your piece is rushed, and I get that it's a difficult bit to write about, but it seems like the build-up and denouement would be benefited by a longer climax.

Thanks for sharing this,

Elven

J.T. Chris
June 10th, 2014, 03:39 AM
Thank you for posting. It's very sad how we sweep issues like this under the rug, and ignore all of the signs when people are calling out for help. Strong imagery in this. I really like your last sentence. Also, feel free to let me know if you are looking for a critique too.

WechtleinUns
June 10th, 2014, 04:41 AM
It's difficult for me to empathize with people who are on the verge of committing suicide. This is mainly because I was on the verge of committing suicide once myself. As time goes on, and the past fades into memory, it becomes more difficult to remember just how difficult it was to climb out. As time goes on, it becomes easier to feel callous with respect to those who have yet to do so.

From a position of technical merit, you've got some smattering of grammatical errors. Overall, the story is legible and readable, however, so you don't need to worry about too much about that. The main character herself is a symbol of the average every-high school girl who is in this sort of situation. There are plenty of readers who can identify with this kind of character.

From a literary perspective, however, the story is incomplete. In general, the plot evokes the social problem of teenage suicide. Even though David does eventually get over his personal grief for the main character's death, the overall problem of teenage suicide is left without comment. And that's what really tends to irk me about these types of stories.

Teenage suicide, you see, is a common enough plot. I've read dozens of short stories like this one. But I've very rarely read any that presented a solution outside of the just presenting the problem. It's kind of like someone writing down on a sheet of paper, "Hey! Teens are killing themselves! This is bad!"

From a literary perspective, these types of stories might as well just be replaced with that previous sentence. Your username says Blondie from 1997, so I imagine you're about 17 years old. Smack dab in the middle of the High School years. Don't feel too bad about anything I've said here, if you're inclined to take it that way. High School is pretty much a horrible time for a lot of people, so you're not alone(again, I may be assuming too much. :D).

I do hope, however, that you continue to write and share what you've written with the forum. Don't think that your stuff is no good on account of one person. Please, continue sharing your stuff, and I look forward to seeing you grow. :)

Pandora
June 10th, 2014, 01:18 PM
Excellent work, not often do we read the aftermath of suicide in the way you have accomplished it, from the perspective of the one who took their life. 'Took their life' I ached contemplating that myself and have lived as one left behind. Being on both sides I have to say there are really no words that will compare to the feelings, none. Writers can try, even those living it but it falls short. Yes, blame, disappointment, depression, betrayal, those a trigger but they are not the feelings. There was a time after I decided to stay that I was angered by those who took their lives, the pure selfishness of the act. I am not anymore. I have learned to not expect so much from others only to expect the best from me. That is living and it is a gift to hold.

Blondiefrom1997 there is always hope, be someone else's hope because I think you understand. Thank you for "Those Eyes" the windows to the soul.

thepancreas11
June 10th, 2014, 04:11 PM
Powerful stuff here, Blondie. I don't recall reading something so intense here lately, but intense this is, capturing quite an emotion. I wonder whether it might be better served toned down a bit. See, I come from the subtle school of writing with the idea that to trick the reader into excepting a theme as their own can be so much more effective in delivering a message. I think you try to show that for some, life can seem so hopeless that there can be only one solution, and that we had best as a society look out for those people so as to keep them from falling by the wayside. I appreciate that as much as any here. I'm sure some of the creative minds you've encountered on the forum have had quite the same feeling as this person (see above for only one of the many examples out there).

My only suggestion would be to give more of a subtle build up, something less than the hammer with which you hit us (yes, I was quite bludgeoned by this story, numbed by its honesty). Could you find situations where the main character comes in contact with others that show the rampant dislike of humans for other humans in certain situations, especially teenage-ness? Given that you are a high school student, I'm sure you've seen some terrible things out there that you can use to show the world that we need to make a change, that you've seen enough that could make those that don't understand bullying change their minds very quickly. The good news being that as a writer, you have a voice for the voiceless. I would like to help you hone that voice, as I'm sure many here would.

Let me know when you post again. I'd like to read some stuff from you.

bazz cargo
June 10th, 2014, 07:15 PM
Hi blondie,
one of my fave groups. I still have to groove to Atomic when I hear it on the radio.

Wow! A real 'take no prisoners and hit em right between the eyes' piece. I was so taken in I didn't have time to notice any SPaG nits, so I will leave them for the experts.

Very strong, harrowing even. You convey the emotional space with so few words, the reasoning is lacking yet seems not to be missed. Quite a talent.

This little flash would make an exceptional jumping off point into something major.

Thank you for sharing.
BC

charlierogue
June 16th, 2014, 11:31 PM
The substance of this hits the reader hard. Too hard? No. I say it's good. It does move pretty fast, and that left me wanting more. Which could be used to your advantage if you decide to lengthen this piece in the future. I'll leave the "mistakes" for the people who know what they're talking about. I think it was great. Good job.

blazeofglory
December 1st, 2014, 08:02 AM
This story full of emotion is interesting and of course it can draw attention and deepens our empathy. This story commences abruptly and ends up abruptly. The writer could lengthen it a bit longer keeping pace with its emotive contents. As a writer I am sure you have the stuff in your head and all you need to drive to a greater height is schematizing it with more technical stuffs. I really enjoyed the story and it has the beauty to startle and entertain the reader and you can emerge immensely only and if only you keep on writing with a lot of patience

Apex
December 3rd, 2014, 06:26 PM
… She grabbed the handgun from her father's cabinet and imagined them finding her in the bathroom. Her caramel colored hair would be soaked in blood. For a moment she panicked. Regaining her courage she made her way to the bathroom. She pressed the cold metal against her head and placed her finger on the trigger. This was it she would finally be free. Slowly she pulled the trigger and a loud bang echoed throughout the bathroom. Her eyes staring wide open at the door as blood pooled from her head. The gun loosely laying in her hand beside her. …

How do women and men commit suicide differently? - Business ... (http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrTHRG.Rn9U4x8A9I1XNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTEzbXV0MG9 oBHNlYwNzcgRwb3MDMQRjb2xvA2dxMQR2dGlkA1ZJUDU1Nl8x/RV=2/RE=1417656127/RO=10/RU=http%3a%2f%2fwww.businessinsider.com%2fhow-do-women-and-men-commit-suicide-differently-2011-9/RK=0/RS=WPX21EEGIiQb2Si.uDW.gexrAeI-)


www.businessinsider.com/how-do-women-and-men-commit... Cached (http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrTHRG.Rn9U4x8A9Y1XNyoA/RV=2/RE=1417656127/RO=10/RU=http%3a%2f%2f208.71.46.190%2fsearch%2fsrpcache% 3fp%3dhow%2bdo%2bmost%2bwomen%2bcommit%2bsuicde%26 ei%3dUTF-8%26fr%3dyfp-t-901%26fp%3d1%26u%3dhttp%3a%2f%2fcc.bingj.com%2fcac he.aspx%3fq%3dhow%2bdo%2bmost%2bwomen%2bcommit%2bs uicde%26d%3d4966628492574800%26mkt%3den-US%26setlang%3den-US%26w%3dz7TVml5r_fXSj4dUK5AsVCvZpt5cYVvA%26icp%3d 1%26.intl%3dus%26sig%3d0O0NisM07O4zoke0097k1w--/RK=0/RS=emPKEGImg5xELdpyfe47AHsC7os-)Women who commit suicide are more likely than men to avoid facial disfiguration, but not necessarily in the name of vanity. Valerie Callanan from the University of ...

mommytozachandgrace
December 4th, 2014, 04:44 AM
This piece was written well, however, I agree with the others; I think that it could have been made into a longer story. Maybe more detail about what the main character went through, that sort of thing, but all in all, I think you write very well. :)

lzbeth97
December 6th, 2014, 04:17 AM
I've actually thought about revising it but I'm trying to find motivation again before I start