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Smith
June 4th, 2014, 12:20 AM
This is for a school english project due Thursday about the American Dream. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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“Robert Goldman’s new OS makes millions.”

His mind stumbled on the headline. The marble floor of his Manhattan suite mocked him with his reflection. What he saw wasn’t good enough. A reflection from the glass pane of the room's west wall mocked him. What he saw on the outside wasn’t good enough. City streets, skyscrapers, millions of people bustling about and he was still so alone, because the millions of dollars could never buy it back. Nothing else was good enough.

There was one thing. In the distance a yellow glow came from a suite much like his own. Sometimes Goldman swore he could see a figure - her - standing in it. Often he thought of heading there, the physical distance only a few blocks at most. Their minds were growing apart though. The distance there was infinite. All he could hear was a faint echo fading away. Far away. This happens when one person stops holding on, and lets themselves go with the wind, float off with the power of an ocean. When that one person won’t stay and wait, and the other chases endlessly.

Maybe, he thought, she didn’t stay because he didn’t give her a reason to. Money meant nothing to her. Yet that was all he had. Paper. Cars, suits, expensive tastes that were paid by a bank account somewhere off in oblivion. He wished it hadn’t blinded him. That he had appreciated her priceless love and all the real happiness it had brought to light up his world. An ‘American Dream’ in her own way. Now that light was in sight but forever out of reach.

Goldman continued to manage the same office where she worked. There’s nothing stranger than working with a stranger you once knew. Passing a person who had been a part of you, everyday, without a word spoken. So many words unspoken were locked up inside, and she held the key. Trapped with them, he couldn’t get out. There was nothing in the box that she would bother to open it for. He couldn’t let go. He didn’t want to. With infinite hope, his mind lost in the memories, he’d wait forever. He had thought he might replace her with money, but that fire in his heart just burned it.

There was another way to end the cycle, he found. That morning he had gone down to the street corner and had given thousands of dollars to a homeless man. Then, after work Goldman gave her a raise, leaving a note on her desk. She wouldn’t know until the next day. He had no more need for the money. It’d never fuel his burning passion. Opening the window he smelled the cool night air. For the first time in a while it didn’t taste bitter. It was just fresh. This was to be a new beginning. Finally the stars were visible, free of the city pollution. And now, for the last time he looked at her light, then saw it click off.

She walked into work like she usually did. Morning coffee in her left hand, purse hanging from her left arm, all keeping her paperwork tightly pressed against her side in a well practiced method. As she sat down though, something was evidently different. Missing. Robert's door was closed. Pretty unusual, he was always here before anybody else. Probably just running late, she thought. An odd envelope sat in front of her computer, with only the word ‘raise’ written on the front. A co-worker approached her without saying a word, placing a newspaper beside her. She raised her eyebrows but said nothing, telling herself she’d read it in a second. She was more concerned with the several employees at the Culligan, talking in lowered tones.

A custodian came through and pushed a cart over to the manager's office. He used his key, opened it up and headed inside with the cart. A window that peered in was blocked by the blinds. Then a few minutes later he came back out with Robert’s personal posessions. She grabbed the paper. The look of confusion on her face disappeared as she saw the first headline.

“The ‘Man of Gold’ has rusted.”

-- Special thanks to all the people who posted on this thread and helped me with this piece. :) <3

escorial
June 4th, 2014, 01:16 AM
It delivered the meaning....I wonder what happened to the homeless guy!

aliveatnight
June 4th, 2014, 01:50 AM
Oh, I like it! One thing I noticed was in the line "but that whole in his heart just burned it.", did you mean to put hole instead of whole?
I didn't notice anything else wrong with it. I found it to be engrossing and had a lot of meaning behind it. Great job!

shedpog329
June 4th, 2014, 03:48 AM
"There’s nothing stranger than working with a stranger you once knew. Passing them everyday, a person who had been a part of you, without a word spoken. So many words unspoken were locked up inside"

Great image, great thought here.

"The marble floor of his Manhattan suite mocked him with his reflection....City streets, skyscrapers, millions of people bustling about and he was still so alone"

Again I liked the idea of the "Millions of people bustling around' I'd imagine he might have seen himself as one in those millions. Agitated almost that he couldn't find his place outside of that crowd. As a stand out type of personality.


"His eyes fixated on the first headline...her eyes fixated on the first headline"

Good way to wrap everything together, wholeness in the piece. Almost like that awkward glimpse of eye contact with a stranger on the streets of Manhattan, no? Or finding a two dollar bill?




Anyways, great write, worth the read! Thank you!!

Smith
June 4th, 2014, 04:39 AM
It delivered the meaning....I wonder what happened to the homeless guy!

Good, glad to hear! And I had another bit for the homeless guy, but with time constraints (worst procrastinator ever here, I've had weeks to work on this project) I feel it'd be best to leave it as is.


Oh, I like it! One thing I noticed was in the line "but that whole in his heart just burned it.", did you mean to put hole instead of whole?
I didn't notice anything else wrong with it. I found it to be engrossing and had a lot of meaning behind it. Great job!

Thank-you for pointing that out. I'm my own worst enemy, so it is always re-assuring when others appreciate something I've written, and don't have to force themselves to read it. <3


"There’s nothing stranger than working with a stranger you once knew. Passing them everyday, a person who had been a part of you, without a word spoken. So many words unspoken were locked up inside"

Great image, great thought here.

"The marble floor of his Manhattan suite mocked him with his reflection....City streets, skyscrapers, millions of people bustling about and he was still so alone"

Again I liked the idea of the "Millions of people bustling around' I'd imagine he might have seen himself as one in those millions. Agitated almost that he couldn't find his place outside of that crowd. As a stand out type of personality.


"His eyes fixated on the first headline...her eyes fixated on the first headline"

Good way to wrap everything together, wholeness in the piece. Almost like that awkward glimpse of eye contact with a stranger on the streets of Manhattan, no? Or finding a two dollar bill?




Anyways, great write, worth the read! Thank you!!



No, thank you haha. :D Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for the compliments. The 'headline start / end' was actually just something that kind of came about spontaneously, and never was intentional, but nonetheless glad you caught it. I didn't even think about it in those ways, very interesting.

Funny story now that you mention it. I remember being short like three pennies or something at a large store, Meijer I believe, and I blew my only 2 dollar bill that I got from my grandfather so I didn't have to go take back a RuneScape membership card. Regret it now and then, I don't even play that game anymore lol.

BabyGizmo
June 4th, 2014, 05:05 AM
I was fixated. I am a speed reader and I really could not read that fast enough to see where it went. After getting my fill of reading it (4 times), I found I had nothing to pick it apart. And I am a major picker.

One question for you.

Now that the assignment is written (and soon to be submitted), Do you plan on expanding it?

Personally I find it perfect the way it is. But just to see where it might go?

Smith
June 4th, 2014, 05:30 AM
I was fixated. I am a speed reader and I really could not read that fast enough to see where it went. After getting my fill of reading it (4 times), I found I had nothing to pick it apart. And I am a major picker.

One question for you.

Now that the assignment is written (and soon to be submitted), Do you plan on expanding it?

Personally I find it perfect the way it is. But just to see where it might go?

Wow, I am very thankful! Happy to hear you enjoyed it so much! :)

I wouldn't mind seeing the piece living on in some way. Perhaps not directly, but just some of the ideas and motives behind it. Currently working on a novel, so maybe they'll creep their way in at some point. I try not to write things off too quick, and instead live with the possibility, because often for me the writing process is an adventure in itself. I really don't know exactly, 100% where it's going, and I'm just along for the ride.

Edit: As for the project, I'm still actually not done. Tomorrow I have two more pieces to do. The whole thing is a total of five pieces pertaining to the American Dream (at least, that's the topic I picked from the list). However, all of us had to make an analysis for The Great Gatsby one of the five.

garza
June 4th, 2014, 07:26 PM
“Robert Goldman’s new OS makes millions.”

His mind stumbled on the headline. The marble floor of his Manhattan suite mocked him with his reflection. What he saw wasn’t good enough. A reflection from the glass pane of the room’s west wall mocked him. What he saw on the outside wasn’t good enough. City streets, skyscrapers, millions of people, and himself so alone, because the millions could never buy back what was lost. Nothing else was good enough.

There was one thing. In the distance a yellow glow came from a suite much much the same as his. Sometimes Goldman swore he could see her figure in the glow. Often he thought of heading there, the physical distance only a few blocks at most. Their minds were growing apart though. The distance there was infinite. All he could hear was a faint echo fading away. Far away. >>>This happens when one person stops holding on, and lets themselves go with the wind, floating away while the other person won’t stay and wait, and the other chases endlessly.<<< Suggest you rework this section to make clear who is doing what to whom.

Maybe, he thought, she didn’t stay because he didn’t give her a reason. (Money meant nothing (to whom?)). Yet that was all he had. Paper. Cars, suits, expensive tastes that were paid for with numbers in a bank account in space. He wished the numbers hadn’t blinded him, that he had appreciated her priceless love and all the real happiness it had brought to light up his world. An ‘American Dream’ in her own way. Now that light was in sight but forever out of reach.

Goldman continued to manage the office where she worked. (There’s nothing stranger than working with a stranger you once knew.(good)) Passing everyday a person who had been a part of you: passing without a word spoken. So many words unspoken were locked up inside, and she held the key. He couldn’t get out. (He couldn't get out, or he couldn't get the words out...this needs some clarification) There was nothing in the box that she would bother to open it for. He couldn’t let go. He didn’t want to. With undying hope, with memories of her trapped in his mind, he’d wait forever. He had thought he might replace her with money, but the fire in his heart burned it.

There was a way to end the torment. That morning he had gone down to the street corner and had given thousands of dollars to a homeless man.(Be careful of shifting tenses. The first clause you wrote in past perfect, the second in simple past.) Then, after work Goldman gave her a raise. He left a note on her desk, so she wouldn’t know until the next day. He had no more need for money. Money wasn't the fuel that fed his burning passion. Opening the window he smelled the cool night air. For the first time in a while it didn’t taste bitter. It was fresh. This would be a new beginning. He saw the stars as though free of the city's usual pollution. For the last time he looked across at her light, then saw it click off.

She walked into work as she usually did. Morning coffee in her left hand, purse hanging from her left arm, all the while keeping her paperwork tightly pressed against her side in a now well practiced method. As she sat down though, something was evidently different. Missing. (What was missing?) An odd envelope sat in front of her computer, with only the word ‘raise’ written on the front. A co-worker approached her without saying a word and placed a newspaper beside her. She raised her eyebrows but said nothing, telling herself she’d read it in a second. She was more concerned with the several employees at the Culligan, talking in lowered tones. Robert’s door was closed. Pretty unusual, he was always here before anybody else. Probably just running late, she thought.

A custodian came through and pushed a cart to the closed door of the manager's office. He used his key, opened the door, and pushed the cart inside. The office window bliinds were closed and the custodian left them closed. A few minutes later he came out of the office with what she recognised as Robert's personal possessions. She grabbed the newspaper. The look of confusion on her face disappeared as she saw the first headline:


“The ‘Man of Gold’ has rusted.”


------------------

Suggested changes are underlined. Watch your verbs, and lose 'fixated'. Try to stay with the words you would use in ordinary conversation. The shift from his internal PoV to hers at the end needs a better transition.

Good luck tomorrow. And keep writing. You've made some real progress.

shedpog329
June 4th, 2014, 08:56 PM
“The ‘Man of Gold’ has rusted.”


I'd also change your head line as well. Its creative, though virtually, gold doesn't really ever rust as opposed to metals such as iron. Try reading this article if you haven't yet been studying the same things in your lesson plan http://www.rferl.org/content/explainer-gold-price-drop/25031620.html and try to re word your last line as the header.

Something like "How Much Gold Is The Man?" or "What Was So Interesting About The Man of Gold"

Might work here a little better. But that's up to you. You could use either for your project if you'd like. Don't tell the teacher though:stung: . Or try re reading the article and studying it, particularly under the footer "Why is the value of gold dropping?" for answers.

Pay attention to certain terms like:
inflation rates
&
interest rates

Again great story, and best of luck!

Smith
June 6th, 2014, 12:50 AM
Suggested changes are underlined. Watch your verbs, and lose 'fixated'. Try to stay with the words you would use in ordinary conversation. The shift from his internal PoV to hers at the end needs a better transition.

Good luck tomorrow. And keep writing. You've made some real progress.

Really appreciate it garza. You've shown me how my ideas were there, and often it just needs a change of word order or sentence structure to get it right. Many of my jarring sentences were turned into a well flowing paragraph. The large majority of your suggested changes I agreed with, and have put into the piece. :)

I hope to continue making progress!


I'd also change your head line as well. Its creative, though virtually, gold doesn't really ever rust as opposed to metals such as iron. Try reading this article if you haven't yet been studying the same things in your lesson plan http://www.rferl.org/content/explainer-gold-price-drop/25031620.html and try to re word your last line as the header.

Something like "How Much Gold Is The Man?" or "What Was So Interesting About The Man of Gold"

Might work here a little better. But that's up to you. You could use either for your project if you'd like. Don't tell the teacher though:stung: . Or try re reading the article and studying it, particularly under the footer "Why is the value of gold dropping?" for answers.

Pay attention to certain terms like:
inflation rates
&
interest rates

Again great story, and best of luck!

Thanks again shedpog. I realized gold doesn't actually rust soon after I wrote the line, but I thought in a way that added its own little flair to the story. That the impossible has happened kind of thing. Almost a new level of meaning in a way. I read the article you linked and it was very interesting and informative, thank you. ;)