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shedpog329
May 31st, 2014, 08:24 PM
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Ari
May 31st, 2014, 09:50 PM
Wow, hm.
For the way you string words together, this is wonderful. They are set one after the other like pearls on a thread. If you say it aloud, the sounds meld beautifully. There is no harshness and no jarring. It's like a song.
However.
I think the main purpose of a story is to tell a story. I may be enchanted by your language, but for the whole two paragraphs I have no idea what you're trying to tell me.

The actual story seems to start with "Parker was a kid..." and that's good, because I know what I kid is, and I know what being hard to catch is too.
But then you lose me again:

He had trailed with such a backward watch of a background that the shorthand who had brought him to life was the only clockwork he knew.
It sounds lovely, but again I've no idea what you mean...

There is one perfect description:
.... tell me how he had survived Vietnam and if we knew any better than we would stick to our own side of the fences.
A flare of brilliance so thick with meaning that when I say it, it feels heavy on my tongue.

Overall, I think I want to say that I love the way you write, but I wish I could understand the story. Perhaps I will be the only confused one, though. Sometimes that happens. And as always, if you dislike what I say you are free to disregard.

(:

garza
May 31st, 2014, 10:09 PM
Strange feeling of someone gently tugging the hands of the clock backward, fiddling with the mind's focus until images, faces, Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg, stare down at the page, nod, and drift away, dissolve, in a faintly musty yellow cloud. I don't know how much, if any, inspiration you draw from the poets of my younger days, but your way of creating blended images works much the way theirs did. I'm also reminded a bit of the work of my favourite poet, Wallace Stevens.

Your description of yourself - ...a little more podunked then Parker - is a small nugget of pure gold.

This is good work. There are two possible typos, though they can be translated and turn their respective sentences slightly sideways. There was no getting passed Parker. Should that have been past? ... if we knew any better than we would stick to our own side... Should that have been then?

Good work.

shedpog329
June 1st, 2014, 06:15 AM
Ari- Just wanted to say thanks for reading and taking time for input. It felt good knowing you enjoyed the text. I guess its just a beginning, there really is no plotyet. Just a couple ideas and character builds mashed together. I'm not usually the guy to post any fiction so I was a little edgy with the whole thing. But I do agree with you. Thanks again for the comments and I'll work on the composition.

Garza- Thanks pal, that meant a lot coming from you! I checked out some of the poets you suggested. I enjoyed Kerouac a lot, very down to earth and in plain language. I was worried that this might have been a little to poetic for some tastes but I was glad to see your approval. I think I'll keep going! Thanks!

garza
June 1st, 2014, 11:14 AM
Do, by all means, keep going. You have the people, you have the place, and yes, you do have the beginnings of a plot. You automatically have that as soon as you define two or more characters.

shedpog329
June 1st, 2014, 02:04 PM
Thanks Garza added some this morning if you want to check it out, still not sure where I'm going with it.

...........................

When it had become a later brush of dawn nearing the afternoon, nearly typical for this time of day, I had found myself selfishly stranded alone on the trails that led up to the spring. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy Parkers brash adherence or company none the less so, or rather more the time spent delivered in carving clarity had become a gratitude I found less of around him.

It was passed on thru these perimeters that I had come to understand the difference between time and time spent. I mean that in a way that felt more latent than the typical and not to be less coherent as to say it was an empty grievance of my own. It was rather simple to say that there were just times where I found myself more solaced alone rather than distracted by the throwing of stones.

It was days like this where I had become restless to intrude ancient artifacts. Like this one sugar maple I had stumbled upon that had surveyed itself almost scarecrowishly over the rivers bend. Though nature had always known its true spring, it was as though this long faced oddity had enchanted another being. It was grim and withering with the acceptation of a few fading leaves hanging loosely at the very top branches. In the beginning it had swam through me like dirt on my chest and covered wholly in its craft. But today it had felt cold, tired almost.

“Hey Wankenstien (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Wankenstien&defid=1709700)” loosing myself in a rapture of consciences came a smack across the back of my head.“What do ya want a bandage ya load catcher?” Parker had found me a little less fruitless now.

“What the hey man”

He smiled back “Where you been, buddy?”

garza
June 1st, 2014, 04:13 PM
Had to laugh, had to, when reading the first sentence with its 'nearly typical'. Nice bit of brushwork there. The comparison between companionship and solo endeavour is expressed in a way I don't remember seeing before - but then none of your imagery is the least hackneyed. You put words together in your own way, exploring the depths of their meanings.

The image of the sugar maple '...that had surveyed itself almost scarecrowishly over the rivers bend.' brought to mind so many images from childhood. We didn't have sugar maples in Mississippi where I grew up, but we did have plenty of old old live oaks bending over rivers and creeks and bayous with that identical 'almost scarecrowishly' look. And at age 73 I can feel one with the tree and '...the acceptation of a few fading leaves...'.

And wherever did you hear the expression 'What the hey man' way up in Connecticut? That' pure south Mississippi.

But, what the hey, the story continues. Good.

fearofboredom
June 2nd, 2014, 03:07 PM
Hey! I love the way you write, it was really unexpected. But I almost didn't read the whole thing because I had a really hard time getting through the first paragraph. For whatever reason, my brain just could not parse this sentence:

To question the contemporary meaning of why their knowledge, the leaves I mean, if knowledge were to bloom the way the leaves do, had any sort of unity meant to be discovered at all.

Also, this reference is lost on me:

those nights when all the leaves grew
Leaves of trees? What tree's leaves grow only at night? I'm sure I'm taking this too literally, but when you get to the first paragraph about Parker I get a very good understanding of the character, even though when I go back and read the sentences I don't really know why.
Also, pretty sure at dawns gate should be at dawn's gate​?

shedpog329
June 2nd, 2014, 09:18 PM
To be honest, I agree with you there. I thought maybe starting with an idea or a thought might be an interesting way to start the story. But looking back the way I worded it, it almost felt robotic. I'm not really sure its very contingent. It isn't meant to be literal or factual just abstract, I guess? I'd hate to start the story with the fourth paragraph though. I wanted a good hooker, but this didn't really seem to work. I write more poetry while short fiction is a novelty I'm trying to resonate with, so you'll have to excuse me if it sounds like I'm trying too hard with words. I know a lot of writers usually jar less with wordy descriptions and aim more toward the story telling itself. This may be my biggest weakness. I just cant write a sentence down without stressing over every thought.

Any suggestions?


Garza- I was afraid people would be offended!!! Glad you laughed though. Still not sure if the image I put up is really the one I wanted to portrait at this point:

It was passed on thru these perimeters that I had come to understand the difference between time and time spent. I mean that in a way that felt morehttp://cdncache-a.akamaihd.net/items/it/img/arrow-10x10.png (http://www.writingforums.com/#) latent than the typical and not to be less coherent as to say it was an empty grievance of my own.

Sounds wordy, not sure if it makes sense...thoughts?



I've really only ever written one short story, aside from a short non fiction I never finished, so its very new to me. However, I just wanted to thank everyone for their input here. So Thank You! Hopefully I'll be able to add more.

Smith
June 4th, 2014, 02:28 AM
Some of it is a bit over my head. Probably because I'm way too serious and have a habit of taking things literally, so poetic pieces come across beautifully confusing. Still, it didn't keep me from enjoying it.

I re-read the first couple paragraphs, your hook, and I think I deciphered it. At least, for my own purposes. So I think I would actually be the first one(?) to recommend keeping it. It definitely grabbed my attention, and I was immediately blown away in a sense. Never knew I could think so hard and deeply about leaves and knowledge and time and... ? :P

Would love to see more! Always down for a challenging read. It's a way I can better myself.



Any suggestions?


Keep doing what you're doing. There isn't anything wrong with it. Our writing is who we are. We shouldn't try to be somebody or something we are not. :)

shedpog329
June 4th, 2014, 03:40 AM
I re-read the first couple paragraphs, your hook, and I think I deciphered it. At least, for my own purposes. So I think I would actually be the first one(?) to recommend keeping it. It definitely grabbed my attention, and I was immediately blown away in a sense. Never knew I could think so hard and deeply about leaves and knowledge and time and... ?


Thanks bud, glad you liked it! Would be interesting to know more about your thoughts!!

Smith
June 4th, 2014, 04:03 AM
Thanks bud, glad you liked it! Would be interesting to know more about your thoughts!!

Mhm, no problem. ^_^ And I could try. :P


I discovered the gray interlude of expectancy; like those nights when all the leaves grew. Or to question the contemporary meaning of why their knowledge, the leaves I mean, if knowledge were to bloom the way the leaves do, had any sort of unity meant to be discovered at all?


I immediately related this to something I noticed recently in my life.

We have a lot of deciduous trees up here in Michigan, and it surprised me out of nowhere (even though I've lived here my entire life, going on 16 years) how the leaves work. It's like one day they aren't there, then three months later all I see is green everywhere. Makes me wonder sometimes if I do spend too much time playing video games. :P But that's what I got from the "overnight" and "gray expectancy" bits. It's like I woke up and suddenly it was the transition from spring to summer and there is just so much life everywhere.



Then if instead, at dawn's gate, when the earth would bowl back the cooler night, when which even the tallest of the maples would stagger to and fro for an answer of their own, did the leaves of that mighty maple ever say instead the unexpected?


This I took a bit differently. Kind of in a "nothing lasts forever way". We barely notice the changing of the leaves, the growing of the leaves, until it has happened. Until the transformation is over. But if it didn't happen, and the trees did do something unexpected? When would we notice? Would we care?

P.S. And I did forget to comment on the knowledge part. To me that was sort of saying that knowledge is often no fast, easy process. That perhaps it works as a cycle, in a way. We are given the seeds and beginnings of something great, our knowledge blooms during its spring. Bringing fantastic new life to the world. But perhaps many of us during our middle aged years fall into the trap of staying the same shade of green, doing the things we've always done, stuck in our old ways. But at the end we have a final burst of life, changing into fantastic colors of wisdom and knowledge to pass onto our kids and grand-kids before dying in the winter.

I don't know, maybe I'm tired. Perhaps crazy. Or both. xD

shedpog329
June 4th, 2014, 04:07 AM
You were spot on bud! Thanks