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wildie1990
May 29th, 2014, 11:36 PM
The Loneliest Game

By Rick Thorpe

A word from the author

This is a work of fiction which is loosely based on real events from my own life. Names have been changed and some situations have been fictionalised however the core is basically the same. I hope you enjoy the story. Rick





Chapter One

The ice cracks as the whiskey hits the bottom of the glass. Jason's hand picks up the alcohol filled crystal and tilts it towards his lips. The amber coloured nectar begins to quench the thirst which was eating away at him. As soon as the ice touched his lips signalling the glass is empty, he slams it on the bar.

"Same again please love" he says to the young redhead behind the bar.

"Are you sure hun?" she says with concern "That's your ninth whiskey in a row."

"Yes I'm sure" Jason replied in a sarcastic tone, " I didn't realise you were my wife"

She begins to pour the whiskey into a clean glass and slams it down in front of him.

"That's your last one here" she says angrily, " and there's no need to take that attitude with me, I was only concerned"

As soon as she walks away from him, Jason takes the small glass and drinks its contents in one and slams the empty glass back on the hard wood of the bar, gets off his stool and walks out the door. As he's stepped onto the dim lit backstreet, he feels his pocket vibrate. He takes his phone out of his pocket to find that Zoe, his fiancée, is calling him.

"Oh shit! This is all I need right now" he sighs just before he answers the phone. He presses the answer button on the screen and says "Yes love, what can I do for you?"

"Jason where are you? Its half past one in the morning and I haven't seen you all day." Zoe exclaims down the phone.

"Well I've been at work all day and I wanted to have a few drinks afterwards, look I'll be home soon ok." He replies with a defeated tone.

"Ok, see you soon, I love you, you know" says Zoe.

"I know, I love you to" Jason responds before hanging up the phone.

After a few moments looking up towards the inky blackness of the nights sky, Jason sighs and begins to head off into the vast darkness towards Zoe's parents house, where is temporarily living. As he gets nearer the bus stop in the centre of Manchester, he sees two men standing by it, one of whom he vaguely recognises but he can't remember who he is, so he sits on the bench and waits for the last bus. A few moments pass by and Jason overhears part of the two men's conversation.

"I was out with her again last night, man she looked so beautiful, trouble is she's with someone else." One of them says.

"So why is she seeing you if she's with someone else?" The other asks.

"Well she says she doesn't feel like her man is making any effort with her anymore." The first one replies.

"Oh right, the guy sounds like a loser then, what's her name?" The second asks the first.

"She's called Zoe" the first one answers, which ends the conversation.

Jason's mind begins to race with just the mention of the name. In his head he begins to question his own relationship.

"It can't be my Zoe surely?" he says in his head "She wouldn't do anything like that to me"

Just as he starts to delve deeper into that train of thought, the bus pulls up and he gets on board, he shuffles towards the back to find a secluded seat, takes his iPod out of his pocket and begins to drown out his own mind by playing his music as loud as he can.

For what seemed like an eternity, the bus finally arrives at Jason's stop. He steps onto the pavement, looks around but sees nothing but the dim light from the street lamps, so he begins to slowly stagger in the direction of home.. After a few minutes of walking up the quiet and dimly lit backstreets, Jason stands in front of the house.

"Where the fuck did I put my keys?" Jason exclaimed angrily as he is searching his pockets. "For fucks sake I know I have them."

After a minutes searching, he eventually finds them in his top right hand pocket of his leather jacket, takes them out and puts them in the lock. He opens the door and begins to enter the house as quietly as he can so he doesn't wake anyone. As he closes the door, the living room light turns on, he turns round to see Zoe standing there looking angry.

"What time do you call this?" she asks him. "I rang you an hour and a half ago and you said you'd be straight back, where the hell have you been?"

"Hey love calm down." Jason replies. "I had to wait for the bus, I wasn't exactly going to run the 3 miles from the centre of Manchester to here am I! Because it was so late, the buses run every hour instead of every five minutes."

"But why do you feel the need to go out to the pub after work when you could come home to me and we can just chill out in front of the telly" Zoe says with a tear in her eye.

"SIT IN FRONT OF THE TELLY!! That's bloody rich coming from you, the only time you're ever off that bloody computer in the bedroom is when you're either going to sleep or going to bloody university. Where as I just sit down here like a fucking lemon with your mum and dad or I'm at fucking work." Jason yelled. " I want to go to the pub for the first time in months and I get nothing but grief, sometimes I do like to just go out for a few drinks you know."
"Alright you don't have to yell!" Zoe says crying. "It's a good job my parents aren't here to hear all this yelling."

"Look, I'm not getting into this argument pissed, I'll probably say something that will come out wrong" said Jason.

"FINE! I'll see you tomorrow then." Zoe shouts as she walks out of the room and slams the door.

Jason just stands there and watches her leave, hearing her stomp up the stairs and slam the bedroom door. A tear trickles down Jason's cheek as he staggers over towards the sofa. He just stands there and falls on it, passing out in moments due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed. The night passes fairly quickly for him seemingly waiting till morning to see something other then the blackness of night.

Ethan
May 30th, 2014, 06:21 AM
hey Wildie1990,
there are a few issues with Tense here as well as POV, also quite a lot of unnecessary explanation e.g.

"I was out with her again last night, man she looked so beautiful, trouble is she's with someone else." One of them says.

"So why is she seeing you if she's with someone else?" The other asks.

"Well she says she doesn't feel like her man is making any effort with her anymore." The first one replies.

"Oh right, the guy sounds like a loser then, what's her name?" The second asks the first.

"She's called Zoe" the first one answers, which ends the conversation.

These comments are superfluous as punctuation and presentation tell the reader who is speaking.

The story scans well enough and holds the interest but it needs a hard edit, hope this helps a little.

Best Regards
Ethan

midnightpoet
May 30th, 2014, 03:28 PM
A small nit from the first read: You "slam" the glass on the bar too many times. I would think that would spill drink and ice both. Then Zoe slams the door. Sometimes repetition is okay, sometimes it might get on the reader's nerves. Read over it and decide what sentences and words you could change do without. As Ethan says, it needs a hard edit.

W M Gardner
June 3rd, 2014, 05:46 AM
I would say cut out all the unnecessary words (adjectives and adverbs). Do not try to over describe, let the reader find out for himself.

son_of_lockman
June 25th, 2014, 06:27 PM
Also I like stories with episodes. And stories in progress as that's how I also do them. :)