View Full Version : Just a small little passage :)

May 29th, 2014, 02:08 AM
I just wrote this one day. Wanted to know what you think! :D I might base a book off of it at one point, but I have bitten off more than I can chew by tackling three novels at once, so once I finish one, I might. I'm keeping it my documents just in case!

I am a killing machine. I have not touched a living thing in two years: because I kill everything I touch. I didnít ask to be this way, but this is how I am, and I will accept it. One day. But not now. My story isnít an inspiration to all. As a matter of fact, the very sight of me terrifies children to the bone; they have nightmares about me. I hear their scream in the night and cringe, wishing I wasnít existent. I donít want to bring terror to the world. I want joy, laughter, and happiness. Not this.
I looked at myself in a reflection in the water. Good thing no one saw me. I was quite terrifying. The wild black hair that seemed to cut into anyones flesh who touched it. My eyesÖ or should I say eye. One eye was gone, leaving an empty socket that was slowly closing. The other eye was cold and heartless, with no feeling or thoughts. Just emptiness. My skin was white: ghost white. Except the right side of my body. It was covered in scars from a burn in a fire three years ago. The scars were an irritated red with bubbles that seemed like they could contain puss, but didnít. My hands shook helplessly, but never affected my aim. My freckles were no longer dots on my face and arms: they were closing together, making it look like a terrifying tattoo. I no longer appeared young, despite the fact that I was still in my teens. My body was tired and my eye had seen too much for one lifetime. I had.

May 29th, 2014, 06:54 PM
It sounds like your main character is in a world of hurt, Aiyoona. I take it this is the basis for a story of redemption/salvation? As, your main character is already in such a dark place, emotionally, that there's really no place to go but up.

If that's the case, then I would like to make a suggestion: Don't tell the novel from the perspective of this particular character. You can still have her be the main character, but have the narrator be some other character in your story. The reason for this is two fold: First, characters like this are so powerful, emotionally speaking, that they have a tendency to block out most everything else. Their voice is so strong that the reader becomes numb to the intensity of their situation, and the result is that the reader tends to put the book down.

It's important that you have some way of distancing the reader from this character periodically. By having a narrator who is some other character, but whose chief interest is this character right here, you're able to get close to this main character via character interaction, and to give the reader a breather when you need to. You can find some examples of this in plenty of good books, e.g. The Great Gatsby, Ethan Frome, et al.

May 30th, 2014, 03:26 PM
thank you! I will definitely do that! Thanks so much

May 30th, 2014, 04:50 PM
De Nada, Aiyoona. :D

G. L. Argain
June 11th, 2014, 10:04 PM
I had actually enjoyed the character's description of him/herself, lots of detail and emotion. Regarding WechtleinUns's comment about "numbing" the reader to the true intensity of the situation, I guess you could keep this excerpt as a prologue and bring up a separate narrator for the actual story.

Now I fear the same for my own novel that I'm working on...then again, the whole point of my story is centered around the protagonist's perspective on everything surrounding him, so who knows?

June 11th, 2014, 10:25 PM
Wow, that was awsome, it drew me in in the beginning, very good! I did find it confusing that the beginning was slanted, but that might just be because i dont know what it means!! Great passage, keep going!

by the way, Love your avatar!

June 13th, 2014, 10:27 PM
This was an awesome visual of the main character.
I want to know what's going on! :eek:

June 14th, 2014, 05:02 PM
I have to be honest, it runs short for me, simply because it needs more words. You should write more. Write a whole story with this character in it. I can give you way better feedback on that.

Mudgeon Ramblings
June 15th, 2014, 04:13 PM
You write well but there is no story here that i could find. An ok base for a character but as it is, he will be difficult to develop as at this point, his only passion seems to be about his own depression. That's my opinion but remember- I'm just another nobody on the internet who has never published a thing.

June 27th, 2014, 04:15 PM
There's a fairytale quality to this in the sense that the internal workings of the character does not match their outward appearance, and the character is finding it hard because they has not always been this way. It would be interesting to see if people's reactions to the external appearance would change the person inside, and what that would say about society and villains.

July 19th, 2014, 05:29 AM
It was definitely a very intriguing character. I too, however, see a lack of a story. But you are already tackling other projects at this time. Id be intrigued as to how this develops, so by all means when you next get the chance, please add more!

July 20th, 2014, 04:40 PM
Very good in depth description. This is my favorite device in writing, and yours helped me to see the type of character and the feel of story Ill be in for.

July 21st, 2014, 05:06 AM
I hope you'll be happy to know that I have begun to develop this story, and it is going great! I'm only on chapter 3, but it is coming out as nicely as a first draft can!

July 21st, 2014, 05:32 AM
I especially liked the part in italics, like it was a discovered journal entry in a diary. Glad to hear that it gave you enough inspiration to get up to a third chapter already. It's already been a great seed of an idea for you, it seems. Good luck with it!

July 21st, 2014, 10:42 PM
It's very interesting. i hope you decide to do more with this character, i like that it leaves a lot of questions for the reader. for me that has always been a good things when reading a book. wondering "what will happen next" or "how did they end up this way" your character does that very well. i hope you do decide to do more. but i do recommend like a few others telling the story from a narrators point of view or as i like to say a third person sort of view.

August 9th, 2014, 04:18 PM
I love the description of the character, however i can't get my head around "I looked at myself in a reflection in the water." Perhaps I'm just a noob, but would it not sound better like "I looked at a reflection of myself in the water" Just an opinion

Daniel Loreand
August 17th, 2014, 02:50 AM
First off let me say that from the sounds of things you have a good grasp on colourful writing and this quick descriptor is realitivly powerful. However it feels as if it is a sporadic idea that is wirtten down in haste. I would recommend rather than tackling three novels or trying to turn this into a novle, try some short stories. I did the same at one point (diving into novels) and it becomes simply too much. I find myself it it very helpful to write a few short stories as it helps improve your writing and get you into the mood of actually writing. Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, your writing is actually very strong, I just thought id throw my two cents in. All the best.