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deBroglie
May 27th, 2014, 05:06 AM
So this was something I threw together about a week ago, had set away for a few days, then edited it a bit, and I figured I'd share it. It's the first coherent piece I've written in awhile.

- - -

“Stop trying to act like you understand, like you care, about what we thought of mom dying.” Timothy looked at his father, exasperation on his face.

His father’s jaw went slack as silence fell between them, filling in the spaces between the kitchen furniture. His son looked down at the chair underneath his hands, his palm and fingers clenching the smooth wood.

Caleb stared at the boy for a moment, his eyes searching over the knitted brows and smooth chin before he clamped his mouth shut and pulled his hands away from the counter. He raised his hand defensively. “Now, don’t you ever-“

Timothy glared at him, the overhead light glinting off his eyes. “Now, no,” he stuttered. “Don’t you start, Dad. We all know you cheated on her, we all know what you did.” His hands dropped from the chair and his teeth grit. His father opened his mouth and Timothy continued. “She knew it, we knew it, we all knew it. We all knew she knew, you knew she knew, and you didn’t, we didn’t, you couldn’t,” he stopped and took a breath, his body shuddering. “That didn’t stop her.”

A heavy feeling lay on his father’s chest, nestling into the crevices in his chest and settling on top of his heart. A sickly feeling started at the back of his throat, his stomach churning. “Now, don’t you ever,” he started again, his voice low and thick, desperation at the back of his tongue. Timothy glanced at the linoleum tiles at the counter top. “Don’t you ever tell me what I did and didn’t do.” He paused. “Your mother meant the world to me, and I’m not going to have you,” his voice rose. “Your grand mother, your aunt, not no body, tell me what the fuck your mother meant to me, you understand me?”

Timothy looked at him.

“Boy, I said, do you understand me, and I expect a god damned answer,” His voice shook, his words were hollow and Timothy could tell.

“Yeah,” he said as he pushed away from the chair and towards the back door.

“Timothy –“

“Yeah, Dad, I said yeah,” he breathed, pushing open the white door and walking over the small wooden steps that lead to the backyard. The door slammed shut behind him, punctuating his sentence and leaving his father to stand there alone in the kitchen. His father glanced down at the floor tiles, listening to the buzzing of the light, and stared at the wooden chairs, taking in the sight of the empty dinner table.

TylerMartin
June 1st, 2014, 05:42 AM
I enjoyed reading your piece. I was able to feel the emotion in the kitchen during this conversation. Is this a part of a larger story is this supposed to stand alone? It raises a lot of questions about Caleb and his family, which might be intentional. Maybe we are left to fill in the blanks.

For such a short scene, the characters are well developed. I feel bad for Caleb, because I can tell, especially at the end, that he does care. Maybe he made some mistakes that he regrets; maybe it is all just a misunderstanding. I'd like to know more about Timothy, though. At first, I pictured Timothy as an adult who was back home after his mother passed away. But after thinking about it, it makes more sense that he has not left the house yet, and is maybe in his teens. Other than Timothy, I thought this scene was well developed and enjoyable to read!

deBroglie
June 2nd, 2014, 07:56 PM
I haven't written in a very long time, and this scene sort of popped in my head. I really like how I envisioned it, so I felt like recreating it. I hope to make it part of a larger piece if I can think of anything substantial.

Coincidentally enough, my issue with this scene is Timothy! I had no idea what age I wanted him to be in this scene, because I was indecisive between the ages 12 and 19, and that huge age gap can definitely change someone's character. I really appreciate you reading this piece, I was feeling a little down trodden when I saw no one had commented!

aliveatnight
June 3rd, 2014, 01:23 AM
I really enjoyed this piece! The tension was strong and easily felt, and it left me with a lot of questions, and that's great! Like you both, Timothy was the only real issue, and I understand why he was the way he was. Although I did see him being around 16-17 years old in my head.
Great job! I'd definitely love reading this if you ever decided to flesh it out.

BabyGizmo
June 4th, 2014, 05:19 AM
I felt the emotion. I felt the tension from the very beginning. I did have to read it twice to actually get the feeling from the whole thing. But good heavens did it make me catch my breath.
I saw Timothy at around 15-17. Still an age gap but old enough to understand what the conflict was. I felt no sympathy for Caleb at all. But in my mind a man who cheats should have no say.
I look forward to seeing what it expands out to be.

deBroglie
June 5th, 2014, 02:24 AM
You're all so nice to have read my piece, thank you so much! With this support I just might dig deeper and expand this piece.

@BabyGizmo: I know a lot of people with the same mind set as you regarding people who cheat, and that's mainly why I wanted to write this piece. It's controversial, the act of cheating on someone. I really like writing about the topic (and anything socially controversial). While I personally frown upon the behavior, I am going to school to be a social psychologist, so I'm fascinated with crude human behavior, haha. I guess my writing is bound to reflect that.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with this topic, also. I've seen how cheating, first hand, can hurt a family so I apologize if it made anyone sad or anything in advance.

BabyGizmo
June 5th, 2014, 02:30 AM
@BabyGizmo: I know a lot of people with the same mind set as you regarding people who cheat, and that's mainly why I wanted to write this piece. It's controversial, the act of cheating on someone. I really like writing about the topic (and anything socially controversial). While I personally frown upon the behavior, I am going to school to be a social psychologist, so I'm fascinated with crude human behavior, haha. I guess my writing is bound to reflect that..


I wish you luck with your schooling. I find the things I've studied creeping their was into my writing a lot. Its good to use stuff you know. I have probable seen cheating first hand more then most out there. My step dad, mothers boyfriends, my own boyfriends, and so on. True some people might take offence to your story, but that is life. The truth hurts.

And I really hope you expand on this.