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View Full Version : Alembic's Final Show



Pluralized
May 25th, 2014, 12:54 AM
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Olly Buckle
May 25th, 2014, 01:19 AM
Idiosynchratic and difficult to judge out of context, there is a certain 'style' to it certainly.

He twisted the the volume knob, eyes reflecting the passing sagebrush. He looked out across the ribbon of roadway, jamming his head to Maynard's wailing.
Might be good to reconstruct so you don't get two sentences in a row startin 'He'
Head jamming to Maynard's wailing he twisted the the volume knob, eyes reflecting the passing sagebrush, and looked out across the ribbon of roadway.
It also puts the volume and its source together, one of my dictums, put the things together that go together.

The box office presented itself, bright and obnoxious, replacing the dark roadway he’d been staring shakily at for hours.I get the impression that it was the movement of the truck rather than a quality of the driver that was shaky, possibly.
'The stationary box office presented itself, bright and obnoxious, replacing the dark, shaking, roadway he’d been staring at for hours.'

Ephemeral_One
May 25th, 2014, 07:36 PM
It's difficult to get a real flavor from this. I feel like I jumped into the middle of eating a good steak and left before I could taste the garlic covered mashed potatoes. The overall tone is very heavy, I get the sense that Alembic is a person whose emotions tend to keep to the surface. Not necessarily a shallow character but one who follows his instincts. Things like keeping his hand on the pistol and the sudden feelings of motivations towards the clerk make me think that way.

There are people far more qualified to speak on the grammar. Though, some actions might require a bit more clarity on what actually happened there. Using unique verbs is fine but I'd still like to know what happened.


The door whooshed open and he karates out the pistol...

Karates out the pistol, to where? His hand? To a holster to show off to the clerk? Just a bit more clarity is the only thing I can suggest. Otherwise, this is an interesting piece that I'd like to have in context cause it's definitely interesting.