View Full Version : Loretaihn - first of 5 short stories

May 22nd, 2014, 09:06 PM
Hello to whomever is reading this
my uncle suggested to try something like this, maybe i could get some new views on this story. thank you already if you reply.

au revoir

I am certainly glad you are reading this incredulous tale of my death, for what a tale it is, what a death that was, ranking high above all others I have, in my life upon this earth, experienced. At this point you may have comprehended that I am, in all modesty, the only immortal ever to live and die time and again. My lives were never of great consequence, but my deaths, so many, so interesting, and among them even some strange and bizarre, like when I was eaten by a mammoth, a, as many know, herbivore, only to be excreted in little chunks, and then suddenly coming back into existence somewhere completely different; or stranger even dying of old age. How an immortal being can die of old age is beyond me, but I came back again, as much alive as when I was 20 years old, which just happened to be the age I came back at. But I am going too far off the beaten track, let us return to the story of the time I had my head chopped off. I would now wish to warn anyone living in late 16th century London, do not utter a bad word about the royals, they will indeed say "off with his head" and even grin merrily when you are being beheaded.
It was a nice spring morning, I was walking along a road, when I suddenly noticed it was raining. I therefore took shelter under a beautiful oak that just happened to be there, wherever there was. So I lay under the protective, fully leaved branches of the mighty oak, waiting for the rain to subside, which seemed to take a couple of ages. When the rain had finally moved on to less green pastures, to give itself so the grass may once again make people envious of how much greener it is on the other side, it had gotten to August, and I was overjoyed to finally continue with my travels. So I set off, heading straight for nobody knows, as always friendly nodding at anyone who passed me by, often receiving confused or resentful looks, after all, this was before politeness had been invented. So, after a few days, two robberies and a murder, I reached the great city, oh wonderful London.
First things being first, I set off to look for a room, but I carried little hope. To my utter surprise I found a very friendly person, who allowed me to sleep under their front porch, in exchange for little favours. So I set off again, to explore the city, to see the great and the small living under one sky.
I was strolling through town, looking at all the different market stalls, when I saw a heated argument, as a wife tried to stop the guards from taking the husband she held so dear. They had knocked him out, which, for some unexplainable reason, seemed to make her quite furious. So she took a wooden spoon and started hitting them with it. Then there was a crunch, as the spoon broke beautifully in half, and a clunk, from the helmet that spun off a guards head with the blow of the now broken weapon. The guard slowly turned around, his angry expression clearly visible without a silly piece of metal covering it, causing the rage to leave the wife and travel on the wind straight in my direction. Having found a new host, the rage made me walk over to this unusually usual scene and punch the helmet less guard, turn around and punch the other two as well.
When I woke up my nose hurt and I was being dragged down a corridor. It was quite a nice corridor, very lush. Not like I had that much time or capability to truly enjoy it, since being dragged down a corridor by three muscly men whom I had just recently punched hard, by my standards, was very uncomfortable. They also seemed to go out of their way to kick me the whole way to what I had realised by then was the kings throne room, or whatever name they had given it.
I was thrown at the queens feet, yes, the queen, surprised me too, never knew the lion heart was dead, and accused of the most horrible crimes, such as showing no respect towards authority and making the guards noses bleed. They also chose to add some smaller things, murder, theft and treason being among them. I protested strongly, pleading with the queen not to listen to such false accusations, but, for reasons known to me, my pleas hit deaf ears, blind eyes and a cold heart. She did however see sense and did not believe the murder and treason charges, since I had such a friendly face. So she merely gave the order for imprisonment until she thought fit to have my hands removed from the rest of my arms. At this point the rage remembered it was still using my body as a B&B, which was the reason I shouted profanities at the queen and described her family as pointless money holes.
This time when I woke up I was in the dungeons. I was a bit hazy about what had happened, so I asked the closest guard what had transpired, and he was nice enough to give me a rather detailed account. An hour had passed when I regained consciousness, and I noticed I was sharing my little cage with, and don't be disconcerted, it was a harmless one, a person. After my usual greeting speech, which involved name, measurements of my feet and hair colour, a confused look and mumbled name giving on their part, we started talking about the reasons for our imprisonment, and I learnt that my new found friend was equally as cheated as me. The worst crime committed to provoke this harsh punishment was being charming, for which the queen had asked for this poor soul's head.
Roughly I was being pushed through the crowd, hearing the booing and the jeering coming from all over the place, which I had decided was meant for the guards, not me, towards the rather imposing stage, on which a person, completely clothed in black, was swinging their axe. I had gone through all this before, it wasn't my first head-off, but this time seemed different, the swinging of the axe didn't make the sweet sound of slicing the air, swishing with every movement, it was darker and more ominous. And when the figure of dark tested the sharpness by striking a melon, the melon just exploded and was scattered all over the onlookers. Sometimes in life you find yourself scared, completely terrified, of something inevitable, even though you know fear won't help you there. This was not one of those times for me. Finally a new experience, those words were the only thing I could think, and even with the before standing pain all I could do was laugh, silencing the rest of the people in disbelief, making the guards stop in sudden fear, and making the queen shoot up from her seat to shout something about using the wooden end. The last thing I remembered was seeing the two sad faces of husband and wife saying thank you.
It was a nice spring morning, I was walking along a road, when suddenly I noticed it was raining. And I decided I didn't care.

May 31st, 2014, 03:40 AM
Hey! I like the concept, definitely needs at lot of editing though. I understand you're probably using the long, multi-phrase sentences to give an impression of your narrator BUT-! make sure your readers can still parse them. I use the same device in a lot of my writing and was having to work harder than usual to make sense of the phrasing.

or stranger even dying of old age.
should be "or stranger even, dying of old age."
This is just an example, try reading it out loud the way you want the reader to hear it in their head and make sure you've placed punctuation correctly!
Similarly, use more paragraph breaks (for the same reason). And make sure you proofread, proofread, proofread. You will get more constructive feedback if your audience's job is easy.

June 11th, 2014, 01:44 PM
You have an interesting idea here. I think the idea of an immortal narrator is intriquing if done well.

I made it about 2/3s of the way through this before giving up. I found the sentences hard to get through, the language flowery, and the voice passive. I was trying to get excited but everything came to me from a distance. I didn't see the fight but was rather told about the fight. I also couldn't imagine the narrator at all. There's no description and I can't tell if the narrator is male or female.

Overall, this had slight hints of humor (being eaten by a mammoth) that would work well to develop the narrator's obviously unique voice, but the presentation needs some work.

June 13th, 2014, 03:02 PM
Intriguing idea but a red pen and a ruthless streak is very much in need here. Hope the following suggestions are helpful.

"I am (certainly) glad you are reading this incredulous(incredible not incredulous) tale of my death,(for what a tale it is, what a death that was,) ranking (high) if it's above all others, 'high' isn't necessary. above all others I have, (in my life upon this earth), experienced."

now reads;
"I am glad you are reading this incredible tale of my death, ranking above all others I have experienced." - Still conveys the same message but using fewer words.

Avoid tautology "strange and bizarre" for instance.

"It was a nice (NICE? you should be boiled in oil. :eek: . Nice is a very insipid word. Try crisp or warm) spring morning, I was walking along a road, when (I suddenly noticed) it began to rain. I (therefore) took shelter under a beautiful oak (that just happened to be there, wherever there was.) in the nearby field. So I lay under the (protective,) fully leaved branches of the mighty oak) waiting for the rain to subside",

now reads;
"It was a crisp, spring morning, I was walking along a road when it began to rain. I took shelter under a beautiful oak and waited for the rain to subside."

As I stated these are just suggestions. Buy a thesaurus - it can give you excellent alternatives to words if you find yourself repeating them or are stuck for another way of describing something. (Nice for example :pukel:).

Mudgeon Ramblings
June 15th, 2014, 04:14 PM
Paragraphs my friend- I gave up also

June 15th, 2014, 05:27 PM
There's a lot of ideas here in the replies, and I'm sure they are rather daunting (being on the critical side) as well as overwhelming. So here you've posted your work and the responses are probably not at all what you expected or had hoped for... I know, I've been there. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED! This is a first posting. Sit back, breathe... try to take it in... maybe just a little at a time.

Okay, number 1, formatting. Where do I break it into paragraphs? and how do I indent, etc.? Answer: go to the works posted by others. see if you can follow their examples. No indentation; just a separation between paragraphs(double spaced: two full lines of empty). What else? Look for their patterns...

Flowery language- what's that? (google)

Tautology: what the heck is tautology and why should I avoid it? (hint: google)

There are some definite positives here. Unique voice, humor... well done, those are qualities that most probably cannot be taught. Lucky you, you have them.
What next? Re-write, analyze, try again.
You have words in you. If you want people to read them, this is what it will take. Good luck, and happy writing.... and welcome to the forums. K.