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Reject
May 19th, 2014, 01:10 PM
I am still plugging away with Geoffrey's unhappy after life. I am so grateful for the kind comments received and the good advice given when I posted a sample earlier, especially regarding my week spot, punctuation. I have removed exclamation marks and found the full stop key! I mean "."


Following on from this, Sample Posted Earlier (http://www.writingforums.com/threads/145369-My-humble-offering-Some-language-and-taboo-issues)

I have now reached the stage where the allocations committee are having a war conference, in order to make sure Geoff stays just where they put him.

I did mention earlier that all "Greeters" are called "Marcus." I am now starting to think that was not one of my brighter ideas.

To Marcus or not to Marcus, that is the question!

More Humble scribbles follow, thank you in advance for your honest opinions.

Allocations A-muddled

“Now you will be aware of the Guest case, the gaffer wants this doing by the book. No shortcuts, no fannyfluffing around. We have to provide evidence that Guest was allocated correctly, the purpose of this meeting will be simply division of labour. There will be some shitty jobs allocated, I can’t even rule out a visit to the earthly place or even down there.” Marcus paused and met the eye of one of the most diligent and hardworking allocators presently employed in research. “Marcus, do you have any points that you wish to discuss at this juncture?” A barely susceptible shake of the head was his only reply. “In that case, I will ask you, Marcus,” he pointed to the smaller of three greeters lounging against the rear wall, “to start a covert shadow of Guest. We are going to be looking at everything in his life so it would be incompetence and unforgivable on our part if we omit to look at his life after death, can we say weekly reports?” Marcus nodded his assent.

“Marcus, will you require any additional Marcuse’s to assist you?” The group of three whispered amongst themselves before Marcus replied “Marcus and Marcus here have offered their services. If there is nothing else we shall track down Soul Guest immediately and report back next week?”

“That will be perfect,” said Marcus the convenor. “I am sure we can get the Gaffer to stall things, delaying the court case can only serve in our favour, as McHopkin’s will be able to plead the Status Quo and make it harder to rule against our allocation. I will ask now for Marcus, who made the original allocation decision to give us his reasoning for awarding Guest eternal life here. Marcus?”

dvspec
May 19th, 2014, 05:15 PM
I have not read anything you've written before and am coming into this a little lost, but I like this piece and can see some ways to improve it. The formatting is an issue so I will break it up. By the way, I vote against naming all the characters in the scene by the same name. Even amongst themselves they would call each other something else. 1,2,3 A,B,C what ever.. .

Underlined means either remove it or this is the section I'm talking about
<> will denote something that needs added or my comments

“Now you will be aware of the Guest case, the gaffer<not sure who this is, but immediately thought of television gaffers. I think you might be not American, so the meaning may be different here. > wants this doing <done> by the book. No shortcuts, no fannyfluffing <LOL! I absolutely love that phrase and I'm going to start using it.> Though it should be two words.> around. We have to provide evidence that Guest was allocated correctly, the purpose of this meeting will be simply division of labour. <You need an 'a' in there somewhere. Either change 'simply' to simple and put it in front or leave it and put the 'a' behind> There will be some shitty jobs allocated, I can’t even rule out a visit to the earthly place or even down there.”

Marcus paused and met the eye of one of the most diligent and hardworking allocators presently employed in research. “Marcus, do you have any points that you wish to discuss at this juncture?” A barely susceptible <not the word you think it is, look it up. >shake of the head was his only reply.

“In that case, I will ask you, Marcus,” he pointed to the smaller of three greeters lounging against the rear wall, “to start a covert shadow of Guest. We are going to be looking at everything in his life so it would be incompetence and unforgivable on our part if we omit to look at his life after death,<This line seems like to much. Say it out loud. Need a . here.> can we say weekly reports?” Marcus nodded his assent.

“Marcus, will you require any additional Marcuse’s <You are going to change all the Marcus' but you don't add an e or an s. Or at least I wouldn't. It's not latin . . . oh, wait, it probably is. *face in hands * I'm so confused.> to assist you?” The group of three whispered amongst themselves before Marcus replied “Marcus and Marcus here have offered their services. If there is nothing else we shall track down Soul Guest immediately and report back next week?” <This line bothers me. 'we shall' I think is should be 'we should'.>

“That will be perfect,” said Marcus the convenor. “I am sure we can get the Gaffer <caps here but not above. Now I'm thinking he's God or the Devil.> to stall things,<.> delaying the court case can only serve in our favour, as McHopkin’s will be able to plead the Status Quo and make it harder to rule against our allocation. I will ask now for Marcus, who made the original allocation decision to give us his reasoning for awarding Guest eternal life here. Marcus?”

I like it. If I had read more of the story some stuff might have worked better for me. Good luck.

Reject
May 19th, 2014, 05:40 PM
Thank you dvspec. How astute of you, to pick up that I am indeed not American. Gaffer should indeed have a capital letter, I am indeed referring to the "creator" or "God" (However the reader would like to perceive him) I will rectify that. The word "fannyfluffing" was a word I made up. Again, I should point out, here in Blighty, we use the word "fanny" to have a different meaning then those of an American persuasion.

Susceptible replaced with perceivable. (I knew what I meant, great spot and thank you!)

I stated in the third chapter (we are now just short of 50,000 words) that all greeters were called Marcus. Here is the excerpt.


“Hello Geoffrey, I am Marcus your guide. All your guides will always be Marcus. Just a clever little head fuck we like to give you. There will be a lot of them. Now my job is to give you the tour, schools, night clubs, supermarkets, brothels, lakes, airports, bushes and prisons.”

I am thinking that it can be changed as it is very cumbersome and having to identify each member of the committee by their actions/personalities rather than the convenience of a name may be a step too far for me.

You have given me a lot to take on board and again my sincere thanks.

Greimour
May 19th, 2014, 08:34 PM
Gaffer in UK is Boss, so I guessed by the end it was God. I didn't read the other piece either, so I wasn't going to comment yet.

I would like to say though, in dialogue, saying "doing" instead of "done" is allowed. People speak how they speak after all... not many common people say; "You and I" even though that is the correct way to write it. "He want's this doing proper" wouldn't cause a frown in the UK really. Maybe a smirk...

Fannyfluffing should be two words, but in speech, I feel it is another exception. People where I live say three to four words that sound like one single word. I have a 'friend' who often says: "geramean" translation: get what I mean? ... annoying >.<

"Our kid's clobber is proper antwacky" - Scouser (Liverpool) Translation: "My brothers(or son) gear(stuff) is genuinely antique" (old, outdated slang, partly)

"He couldn't stop a pig in a ginnel!" - Manchester slang: "That goalkeeper is rubbish." (real football, aka, soccer) or "He has bendy legs" (ginnel = ally/alley)

"See that gadgie at the front of the geet walla queue?" Newcastle: "See that man in front of the very very large queue?"
"Dee us some scran, hinny, I'm clamming" Also Newcastle: Dee us some scran = give me some food. Hinny = Wife. Clamming = Starving.


Point is, in Dialogue, some rules don't count. As long as the WAY he talks is consistent, it is fine as is ^_^
That includes "simply a division of labour" (no 'a' required if he is British) ... people in UK speak worse English than we show on TV...

I am going to make a cup of coffee, would you like one? Do me a favour too whilst you are up... grab me the milk out of the fridge.
-spoken-
"I'ma make a brew, wan' one? Grab us the milk too while you're up."

Reject
May 19th, 2014, 09:35 PM
^ As a Cheshire lad exported to deepest darkest North Yorkshire all I can I say is "ehh, tha lar knows iz onions!"