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mmkp1990
May 17th, 2014, 09:18 AM
Hi, I am writing a film treatment for my story "Fragments of a Broken Heart" and I just want help with a eulogy delivered by the eldest son to see what you guys think of it. I hope it is deep but I am not sure. The child (Haruto) is delivering the eulogy with his younger sister (Miyu) watching on as the eulogy is for both his dead parents. I also included some actions in there as well. Ryu and Keiko are their friends.

Haruto’s speech:

“I would like to first of all, thank everybody in this room for preparing and coming to my parent’s funeral. It takes the most generous and amiable people to do what they have done for me, Miyu and my parents. I was going to say for what you have done for my family, but to be honest when I look around the room, it seems like all of you are family to me because since that devastating day, all I and Miyu have received is care and comfort, things we needed, things that usually a family offers.”

Haruto looks at the open coffins of his parents as he continues to speak with a bleak expression on his face.

“My parents have taught me a lot about family. They taught me about all of the things that make a family special. How a family can take care of each other, how a family will stick together and by your side through the good and bad times, how a family will always love you unconditionally, regardless of any situation.”

Haruto begins to tear as he continues.

“But one thing my parents never told me was the day their children have to one day bury their parents.”

Haruto looks at the guests as he begins to break down, he continues.

“I thought this day was not going to come until my parents have lived a prolonged and cherished life, by which at that time I will be older and wiser to be able to deal with this. But now ... now it is so hard for me. How can a child whose parents have given them a beginning to life, be able burn and dig their parents when their life ends? It’s not fair.”

Haruto’s watery eyes look round the room as guests are watching with him with sympathy. Miyu’s eyes are beginning to tear as she watches on when Haruto notices her. But he suddenly sees Ryu, who gives him a determined look and raises his clenched fist to signal to Haruto to remain strong.

Haruto continues as he manages to calm down:

“I apologize, this isn’t a day for me to worry about what is fair and unfair, because life isn’t like that. My father told me that life is a unique journey for each person, life isn’t based or defined by one event, and each person would go through a journey of events in life which they must encounter. But we all have a choice on how to handle each event. I am choosing not to look at that devastating event because my parent’s lives are not determined by that one event. My parents throughout my lifetime were special. I was actually afraid today as I tried to write a eulogy prior to this day, but I couldn’t put into words how my parents make me feel. But I realized that it is not words that should describe my feelings towards my parents. It is my heart that holds my true feelings for my parents. My parents made my heart feel warmth and love; exactly the same way my little sister makes me feel. ”

Miyu’s looks at Haruto with lustrous eyes after hearing this as Haruto continues:

“All I hope is that I made them feel the same way. I am going to miss my parents, the way they used to make me smile with their constant humour and the way they teased each other, with my mother usually winning.”

The guests’ chuckle as Haruto displays a slight smile on his face. He goes on to say:

“I’m going to miss the lectures and life-lessons they have taught me along the way as these have helped me become the person I am and understand the journey through life. I’m going to miss the love they have given me each day, the support they have given me each day, the joy they have given me each day, I am going to miss them each day.”

Haruto pauses as he looks at his parents again:

“But I was fortunate to spend my life with you each day. My heart feels broken, but all I can do now is pick up the fragments and replace them to make it feel whole again. The only way I can do that is by moving on. I wish the both of you happiness in your next life and if you ever have other children, please make them feel loved and special, exactly the same way you made me feel. “

Haruto begins to tear up again:

“I will miss you, but I will always love you. Thank you.”

Haruto walks off the podium as he is met with applause by everybody in the funeral hall. He sits back down on his seat as Miyu gives him a hug, Haruto hugs her back as Keiko looks on and Ryu places his hand on Haruto’s shoulder. The funeral hall director is at the podium as he tells his guests that the funeral service is finished.

Mistique
May 17th, 2014, 11:39 AM
I gave it a quick read and I can only give you a first impression now. It was the applauding at the end that puzzled me. I've never known people to applaud at funerals. Maybe thats a cultural thing, but in my country - the Netherlands - applauding at a funeral would be considered rude. Its usually very quiet at funerals.

mmkp1990
May 18th, 2014, 12:18 AM
I gave it a quick read and I can only give you a first impression now. It was the applauding at the end that puzzled me. I've never known people to applaud at funerals. Maybe thats a cultural thing, but in my country - the Netherlands - applauding at a funeral would be considered rude. Its usually very quiet at funerals.

You know, you are right, I do not know what I am thinking with the applause part, it was silly. I will change that to simply showing people's reactions as they looked touched on what the person delivering the eulogy has said. Other than that do you think the eulogy is fine? Is it great, good, ok or not very good?

Trilby
May 25th, 2014, 07:10 AM
The eulogy by Charles Spencer at Princess Diana's funeral was given a tremendous applause.

mystic575
May 26th, 2014, 10:09 PM
I don't think one should judge what someone's character says, so I'll judge the not-speech parts instead. I think some of the actions could use some more "show, don't tell", even though the proverb is a bit cliche. For example, when it says "Haruto continues as he manages to calm down", you could change it to say that he takes a deep breath, or wrings his hands, or something. Well, that's my two cents.

Tyler Danann
May 30th, 2014, 11:09 PM
Overall I think it works, I'm not that much of an emotional kinda guy but as far as funeral's go you seem to have 'touched the stone' so to speak. :)

mmkp1990
June 1st, 2014, 07:34 AM
@mystic575

I will take note of this when I write the screenplay, it is because I am writing a film treatment that I have not included many actions as I am saving that for the script but I will definitely take in board what you have said as your suggestion with the little actions will make it better.

Thank You

- - - Updated - - -


Overall I think it works, I'm not that much of an emotional kinda guy but as far as funeral's go you seem to have 'touched the stone' so to speak. :)

Thank you for your thought :)

prncssva
June 10th, 2014, 02:25 PM
I think what you said were good when it comes to things like this I think you should just put yourself in the person shoes so you can give off the impression you really want.

Ride the Pen
July 24th, 2014, 12:25 AM
I really like the "action" parts of it: Haruto, the people, the emotions. Well done! This is a realistic and not cheesy execution of a delicate topic showing people under extreme conditions. It draws the audience in!

The words of the speech themselves, however, could be better. I like parts of the speech; the parts which don't sound generic and do indeed grab the audience by its emotion. There are other parts that sound too generic or are just not moving enough. For one, that speech takes a lot of screentime, have you read it aloud (slowly, like it will be spoken) and stopped the time? Such a long speech really has to keep the audience involved.

First paragraph: I would cut that one down to a couple of words, it's quite generic.

“But one thing my parents never told me was the day their children have to one day bury their parents.”: That works really well for me, it should strike a chord with the audience. It indirectly tells the audience how young Haruto is (I'm assuming), and therefore they pity him. It's not in-your-face, but (or: because of that!) it evokes emotion.

4th paragraph: “I thought this day was not going to come until my parents have lived a prolonged and cherished life, by which at that time I will be older and wiser to be able to deal with this. But now ... now it is so hard for me. How can a child whose parents have given them a beginning to life, be able burn and dig their parents when their life ends? It’s not fair." The first sentence takes away from the previous emotion, because what you beforehand said indirectly and beautifully, now comes along again, and this time very much in-your-face. The following question then is a bit like "Please, audience, get involved emotionally!" I'm aware that the scene would justify a phrase like that being spoken, no doubt, but it still takes a lot of the previous effect away and is to obvious.

I like the thoughts about fairness which come up subsequently: This is a beautiful concept in that context, and every reader/viewer has wondered about this at some point in their own life. In fact, it probably makes the viewers think about their own lives...

To sum up the rest: It's ok, but it's not special! If you want to give it excellence, IMO, you could either make the biggest part of the speech about the fairness-concept, or about another moving "meta"-theme. Connect grand ideas with hearts! Something that holds a mirror in front of people - because when we see people whom we pity, we often instinctively have to compare them to ourselves (whether it's "Oh, poor guy, I'm glad I'm not in his shoes!" or "I wonder what I would feel in his place?" or whatever else). This is why this scene has so much potential and could be a great one!

Just in case "okay" is not enough for you...

Hope this helps!



PS: I wrote that post before reading any other reply, because that seems the fairest way for me to critique - without outside influence.

Plasticweld
July 24th, 2014, 12:38 AM
I can offer you a little different perspective. My mother was a church organist and played at many funerals. As a young kid I was dragged along to many funerals. The common denominator in all most all funerals that is missing from yours is a personal story that connected whoever is speaking to the person who has just passed. The stories go from anywhere from serious to absolutely hilarious. That personal story that shows the character of person, reminds the people their mourning about what was special about that person. I would find a personal touch by sharing some goofy story that may not be understood by the reader but is understood by the audience. I have heard many great eulogies and they where all funny. Yours is way to dry and sounds like it would be coming from a stranger rather than a son. I have never heard applause at the end of even the best ones. The feeling that the person who passed was special in some way was always obvious by the smiles and warm memories of those present. Getting a good laugh at a funeral is a good sign and tough to do, but happens.