PDA

View Full Version : The Mirror



Nicholas McConnaughay
May 14th, 2014, 01:43 AM
The Mirror ... Written by Nicholas McConnaughay

ShadowEyes
May 14th, 2014, 02:16 AM
Well, it's a clever ending, if not done to death. I applaud your topic choice, but I'm a bit saddened by the ending. Of course, it does play well into the revelation that ties the story up. It leaves me feeling unsettled that this was the only attention she got. A recommendation, then: The story is told as if it already happened.
Try telling it as if it's happening now. I think that would lend to greater suspense. And, perhaps, instead of generalizing over the events that occurred, marginalizing them, focus on the instants that they become important, and why.

The story talks in generalities because it wants to unreliably craft a character. The unreliability is unnecessary because it feels like the whole point of the story is the ending. Which, I think, shouldn't be the case. It's not about being clever. It's about drawing us into a character that is reacting to something. And so, I feel like the whole story would have been better if the narrator hadn't known anything, hadn't told us exactly what was going on. Because it shouldn't know. Just as we, the audience, can't possibly fathom such a choice.

Your writing is good, though. Heh, is "smalls" a typo? If not, I like it. It focuses well on the hammering subject of perception and beauty, which, to a depressive or
bipolar person, confines him or her. I've heard it described as a "mental furnace". And it's tough to watch. I get some of that from this piece, which is probably the best compliment I could give you.

Nicholas McConnaughay
May 14th, 2014, 02:45 AM
Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I remember I wrote this around two or three years ago, and I liked it. I know that a lot of writers don't enjoy the "punch-line endings," but I believe it worked in this extent. Still, I liked your feedback, and while I probably won't tweak this piece of flash-fiction up, I will remember your criticisms for the future.

Bard_Daniel
May 14th, 2014, 05:20 PM
This is raw, but good.

I'm not familiar with the subject matter, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

Good job!

Dave Newton
May 14th, 2014, 09:57 PM
So the narrator was a squirrel, fair enough. Though the ending seemed a bit too random, like it just popped into your head and you put it down. The subject appears to me to be an adolescent female, who, like many others in society is experiencing low self esteem. As an adult male I could not really empathise but as a human being I honestly tried to. There was an element of self pity I think in the demeanour of the character although I'm not sure if this was overly intentional or just a by-product of her self-image but I just could not connect with the story or the character. I think if the narrator backed of a little and gave some voice to the character I think it may be more engaging. I understand it's hard to do that though in so few words. Best regards.

Nicholas McConnaughay
May 15th, 2014, 01:14 AM
Fair enough, mind you, it didn't just pop into my head. In-fact, it's supposed to be a metaphor for somebody that thought he could keep a girl from committing suicide, but his opinion meant so little to her that he couldn't save her. Thanks for reading.