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lzbeth97
May 12th, 2014, 02:20 AM
Before I start I'd like to give a special thanks to my friend Jaden for his encouragement, and this idea he has given to me upon request.


A beeping echoed the room as he sat up and groaned. Confusion filled him as he glanced around the white room. Where was he? Who was he? He pulled the cords off of him before getting up. The coldness of the tile startled him. His hospital gown let in a slight breeze as he made his way to the door. He opened the hallway to find a bright blinding white light. Surrounding him were people with pale faces that he couldn't make out. They all looked the same. "Sir," A pale face screamed running at him.

He ran away down a hall that seemed eternal. He turned down a random hall that seemed to appear out of nowhere. Voices from all around screamed for him to stop. He stumbled and found another never ending hall to turn down. He stopped for a moment after realizing the hallway was empty. Walking he began to notice black painted doors that seemed out of place. The doors wouldn't open, and he began to get aggravated. He turned around to escape to find never ending doors going in that direction as well. He began running through the hall again to find one white door. As he entered he saw more white faces. "Sir," One said.

He was back where he started, and he began to cry. He took off towards a random door and found it to be locked. A figure appeared that he could finally make out, it was a red man. "Welcome to Hell," He said laughing.

He tried to run but always found himself running around in the same loop. He could never remember who he was, or what he did to get here. He never could figure out who the white faces were except that they were chasing him. After decades insanity began to take over and his soul began to turn black. His eyes turned red and slowly more doors started opening. Soon he began to torment people on earth, but he could never see their faces. Even after his soul turned into a demon, he still couldn't make out any faces. He soon became the Devil's secondhand and was seen as the Prince of Hell. He went through eternity torturing souls and trying to remember who he was. The only thing that haunted him was remembering nothing but the labyrinth of a hospital.

ShadowEyes
May 12th, 2014, 03:56 AM
Hellooo~.

The story is all description, but it's good! This is because the writing is concise; there's one general feeling, which is that of confusion. The confusion you settle and dispel before the end of the story, which is also good. It wasn't obvious that this would be a one-off idea turned into a flash short story, but I liked it as that. It serves its purpose. The beginning was a little confusing because of the "beeping" sound. I'm very interested in how he turned into a demon and how he ended up in Hell. It's unexplained why he's flashing back to a hospital room. Is that his own personal Hell? It's more of an interesting thought experiment than a story. To that end, it's almost like a fable.

Some of the descriptions could be better, such as "white" and "red". One in particular I liked was, "The coldness of the tile startled him." That's completely relatable. Everything about the character could be described in that line. Perhaps something you can do is write as if you were the person describing himself as he looked in a mirror. For instance, how did "confusion fill him"? Why did the hall "seem eternal"? Granted, we could maybe imagine this, but it's very difficult.

I feel like this is a rough draft to a much larger story, though. Like it could be a plot outline or something.

It's very creative and I hope you post more. ^_^

Abby
May 12th, 2014, 09:50 AM
I like it! I like your concept of hell, and how you manage to cover so much in so few words, you've managed to create a really vivid image here in a really tidy piece of writing... good job!

W.Goepner
May 12th, 2014, 07:47 PM
Into the depths of imagination they step, those with wide-open, blind eyes. (sorry My musing)

The beeping noises, all the monitors in the Operating Room. The Blinding white light, as seen from the O.R. table, through the opening eyes of the patient, the doors. Then again, the light is showing the passage to heaven, the white face of a receptionist, St Peter.

Unreliable fear that governs our reality, keeping at bay the safe and desired places.

Those black doors, locked to access the living or life, leaving only two directions. One into the fear of death and peace, the other into the tormented agony of confusion, hell.

Hell brought about by a desire to live and find who and what was one them, the information which would have been granted, just stepping into the light. As despair thrusts itself into anger and anger into acceptance, the red face pushes itself onto the soul and into the once peace desiring person. Taking over all except the need to know and the desire to find out. Then through the desire, uses the search to the ends, of the Devil.

That is how I read it, it might be more or less what was said. That is for the writer to explain, or the reader to determine. It could have more definition to clarity. I cannot say where exactly.

Good work all in all.

Ephemeral_One
May 12th, 2014, 08:09 PM
Hmm....interesting. It's got a good overall tone but as was said before, going a bit more into the physical descriptions might help. Beds, tile colors, nameplates or wallpapers. In a frantic scene like this, we humans tend to focus on the almost irrelevant minute details. Like how someone might say 'Oh, it's tea time!' while on a guillotine. These small additions can bring something truly to life and pull the reader even further in.

The only other thing I might suggest is not do so much of an 'infodump' as paint a new image. If the man becomes a demon, give a detail on what has changed. If he's the righthand man of the devil, how is he acting like that? And, most importantly, if he cannot see the faces still, what were they replaced by? Porcelain masks? Disfigured lumps of meat? Skeletal remains? You have us hooked by that point, so send shivers down our spines in that last bit. You've obviously got the talent to make this really shine and I hope to read it again.

thepancreas11
June 10th, 2014, 04:22 PM
Just looked through some of your old posts trying to find some stuff you wrote because I enjoyed the last one I read. You've got a dark theme going here, very internal in its delivery. I imagine that most writers classify themselves as introverted, but you have an introspection that rivals some real champions of that sport. Great thought process going here. You know how to put what's in your head down on paper (or on screen) with an emotional flare, all of which show promise.

I guess I would want more plot out of this. You have given a great outline of a potential story here, but all the story bits are missing. I want to know about this character going through hell, how they got there, what they think of it, why we should be wary of their follies. I want to know about the pale faces: are they fuzzy or just pale? I imagined them as blurry. I want to know more about your version of the devil, whether it might take on the personality of a particular person, maybe one we wouldn't expect...like Carol Burnett or something.

Just flesh out the scenes, and you'd do wonderfully well.