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View Full Version : You decide (Strong subject. Strong languige)



W.Goepner
May 4th, 2014, 08:16 AM
I must warn you this is raw. My MS Office 365 has expired and I cannot afford to reactivate it. I wrote this in here. I know the SPAG will be tough sorry.


The brothers, ages ten and almost five shared a room. All their worldly possessions were in that little room, toys, books, clothes, and all manner of the odd things boys carried about in their pockets. As usual, with most any children, their room was a cluttered mess. From blankets and coloring pages, toys and clothing, scattered about the room. One seven drawer highboy dresser the two of them shared. Yes every drawer near empty of its contents.

Their mother wile doing laundry told them to put their dirty clothes in the hall and clean their room. They played at it halfheartedly for a while before she returned and said for them to clean the room. Again the boys give it a shuffle and a skim, a tentative sweep. Their mother looked about at the attempt almost satisfied with the results. Until she looked in the closet at the toys and games, shoes and books cluttering and stacked in mounds within. Do not mention what was under the bed.

She shook her head, trying to control the laughter as she spoke. "Now I want you to empty this out and redo it right. That is to include under the bed." As she left the room their father stepped up.

"I will inspect it this time. If I find anything wrong..." he walked away. The boys knew that the threat was not hollow, they feared the consequences if they failed to have it done right.

First thing was to empty the closet, everything came out of it, from the stuff that was hardly ever touched on the shelf, to the clothes hanging on the bar. Everything was either on the bed or on the floor. The closet was now empty and clean. "Mom can you check the closet? See if it is clean enough?" In she came, looked over the walls, the floor, and the shelf.

"Nice and clean. Now neatly put it all back, organize it so everything can be found." Their mother left the room. Their father stood glaring from the doorway, with a curt nod he turned and walked away. The ten year old elected to put things on the closet shelf first. Boxes books, papers, all neatly stacked and sorted nicely on the shelf.

"This side is mine, that side is yours. I put my stuff away, you put your stuff away. Neatly like mom said." And they were off. "This is yours, hang it up. Do not touch that it is mine." All hang-able clothing was hung and put away. Shoes, boots, galoshes set in rows across the floor of the closet. Amazingly everything fit in that small closet, even the things that once were under the bed were able to fit into that one small closet.

But there were still clothes on the bed and the dresser needed arranging. "Your stuff on that side, my stuff on this side." What was on the bed was separated. Then the emptying of the dresser. Drawer after drawer emptied onto the bed. Three drawers for little brother four for big brother. Folded and stacked, 'T' shirts, underwear, socks, and pajamas. Everything had to fit, everything must fit nicely or dad will bring down the wrath.

They swept the floor and remade the bed. Checked all corners, every nook and cranny in their small room. "Oh Key Mom we are ready."

Mom walked in looking about the room, proud of her son's efforts. Not seeing a thing wrong with what the boys have done. "I am proud of you two. See what you can do if you put your minds to it?" She opens the closet. "Oh! What is this? Why are these shoes stacked?"

The boys melted, it was wrong. "Its his side." "I have no room!" They said together.

"Well I can see that there is an effort. How about we just take these shoes and instead of trying to stack them. Take a pair and place one up side down and opposite, Like the shoes in the bowling ally. All right?" Whew! A sigh of relief as the mistake was corrected. "Now I we'll get your dad. He should be proud of the job you boys did." The boys waited anxiously for their father to come in and inspect the room.

Anxiety and fear was almost palatable, as he walked in the room. It was as if he wanted to find something wrong, a looked under the bed, "Humph" it was clean. He went to the closet, opened one side looked it up then down, touching the clothes on the hangers. He slid the doors to the other side, a looked over the items stored there, his focus settled on the shoes, a sharp intake of breath, the mother spoke up. "Remember, I said we need to figure out what fits, then we'll decide what to give away."

"Humph," he closed the doors. Over to the dresser, from bottom to top, one drawer "Humph," two drawers "Humph," on he went. The five year old's sock drawer, it opened nicely, but it is too full and when he closed it one sock top got stuck, barely sticking out of the drawer. He inspected the rest of the dresser, "Humph." back to the closet once again as if something might have moved since he left it. Nothing.

The dad turns to leave, glancing about the room one last time. It appeared he was about to issue a complement for the first time in a long one. His eye caught sight of the sock sticking out of the drawer. "This place is a God Damn, Mother fucking mes." The drawers come flying out of the dresser onto the bed. The closet got emptied of everything. All the time he rants and raves of the, "Fucking mes." Turning from the closet he saw the bed with the piled up mes, he put there, and over turned it. "Now Clean this Fucking mes up! Do it quick or no dinner." He storms out of the room.

The dumbfounded look on their mothers face cannot speak for the rage she is feeling. "Clean... Put it away boys I will talk to your father." The boys tears streaming down their face began by setting up the highboy dresser. Sniffling and depressed they begin to clean. Dust and heat makes the ten year old open the window. "What in the name of hell is wrong with you?" Came echoing down the hall. "Those boys did a fantastic job of cleaning that room and you destroyed it." Slam goes the door. "Muffle muffle muffle." The words continue.

In frustration, desperation, one of them tosses a book towards the closet. It missed the closet, it missed the wall, it did not miss the open window. They first look to the window in shock. If we go get it we will get in trouble. They think. Not a word is spoken between them. They go look out the window at the book lying outside. They go back to the pile in the middle of the room, it is almost taller than the five year old. They look at it, the open window, then each other. Not a word was said, they nodded and everything went out the window. Toys, clothes, shoes, books, everything, except the bedding and the drawers.

Fifteen minutes later they were setting the bed straight. The drawers were back in the dresser. The closet doors were closed. The bed finely made they went to get their mother. She came in. "Done already?" They nodded. "Honey. Come see this, their done already."

"They can't possibly be done..." The look of astonishment was evident even to the boys. He could not believe it. He went to the bed and looked under it. Empty. He looked at the boys. "Well I don't beli..." as he opened the closet. Empty! over to the highboy, drawer after drawer. Empty.

Their mother looked at the boys, astonished. "Where." She whispered. They looked at each other then the window. She looked from them to the open window. "Oh no." Their father looked at her then the direction she was looking. He saw the open window.

He might have been about to laugh, then "his" mind brought a stinging reality to him. His boys tried to dupe him, he ranted, he raved, he went for the strap. Their father vented his anger across their butts and legs. Ranting, the words spilling out of his mouth, with the slapping stings and screams from the two boys, as the strap met flesh. When he was finished he ordered them to go outside and clean up the mess. "Put it all away and if I find one thing left outside I will burn it, and no supper for the two of you."

Crying and hiccuping they answered "Oh Key." and began the arduous job of bringing it all back in and putting it away. Three hours they toiled to right the wrong that having too many socks brought about. They were bone weary and sore when they were through. They cried themselves to sleep.

Their mother came to get them up to eat. Their father having relinquished to that. "Wake up boys your dad said you can come and eat."

Half asleep the five year old thought he was dreaming. "No, don't want to."

"Why not?"

"Because that man said we can't."

"But it is Oh Key now he said you can."

"I don't want to not with that man. He said no and we do not want to be with him."

"If you say so." Said their mother and closed the door and went to the dining room.

"Well where are they?"

"They said they are not hungry and want to sleep."

"Well I'll go show them."

"No You Won't! Leave them be. You caused all this. Let them sleep." Their mother took her plate into the kitchen and wept for her boys as she attempted eat.

Many years later. The younger boy was talking with his mother. "Mom? That night. Did I answer you?"

"Yes."

"What did I say?"

"Can you remember it?"

"I think I can. I remember telling you I did not want to eat with That man, or something like that."

"That you did son and more. I told him what exactly you said once. He just gave me a hard look and walked out the room. I think he wept."

You decide. Imagination or not?

dither
May 4th, 2014, 06:41 PM
Mr. Goepner,
this IS strong, pretty raw, and it touches like you cannot imagine, i would hope.
Might i suggest that he goes outside and cuts his wrists?

On other hand,
maybe he was once subject to a very similar upbringing.

Food for thought.

W.Goepner
May 8th, 2014, 07:55 PM
dither,

Thank you.
this IS strong, pretty raw, and it touches like you cannot imagine, i would hope. That is why I wrote the disclaimer. I know other will draw their own conclusion as to the strength of the piece. I felt a proper warning necessary.


Might i suggest that he goes outside and cuts his wrists? Now would spoil the rest of the story, There is more to this person than just the angry man.


maybe he was once subject to a very similar upbringing. OH! You peeked. LOL Similar yes and very different, A child growing up in WWII. His father a member of the Nazi regime, but only a foot soldier.

This, I thought to write the interactions of this man and his sons. With him reflecting back to his childhood and his interactions with his father, some as this was written, some calmer, in various degrees of emotion.

Despite the violence and vulgar wording, did it flow? Was it able to draw you in? I don't mean because of the subject, but was it written well? Was there flaws that broke the story up?

RubyEclipse
May 15th, 2014, 11:24 PM
I'm afraid I was rather put off by the constant repetition of sentence structure. Because of this, it felt clumpy and stop/start. I struggled to get into it due to the lack of flow. For example, in the passage I have quoted below you start almost every sentence with the word 'he'. Also be careful to watch your tenses, you seem to slip into present tense occasionally.



It was almost palatable, as he walked in the room. He wanted to find some thing wrong. He looked under the bed. "Humph." it was clean. He went to the closet, opened one side, looking up then down. touching the clothes on the hangers. He slides the doors to the other side. He looked over the items stored there. Then to the shoes. He takes a breath. The mother speaks up. "Remember i said we need to figure out what fits then we will decide what to give away."

W.Goepner
May 16th, 2014, 12:11 AM
I'm afraid I was rather put off by the constant repetition of sentence structure. Because of this, it felt clumpy and stop/start. I struggled to get into it due to the lack of flow. For example, in the passage I have quoted below you start almost every sentence with the word 'he'. Also be careful to watch your tenses, you seem to slip into present tense occasionally.

Well I did say it was raw. My attempt was to write it from a observer's point of view, With a bit of the feel that you were one of the boys. I admit I was trying to emphasize the giant feel of the father and the He did, He looked, He grunted. Of course If I were telling it I would have made it Like "HE" looked... "HE" grunted... "HE" did... It is hard to put into writing the spoken word with emphasis in the correct areas. As to the tense issue I still have a fight with describing a event as if it has happened all then. Describing the actions as a has been, when wanting it to be as it is happening.

As they gazed upon the spectacle below, they could see the death and destruction of the one berserker warier, as she stood withdrawing her sword from the last victim of her rage.

When he gazed upon the face of his wife, watching her as she slept, he sees a smile appear on her lips, the same smile which drew him to her the first time he saw her.

In a fit of anger, he grabs everything that comes within his reach, and throws it into the middle of the room.

These are off the top of my head. They are how I write. Are they correct? Have I bungled the tense?

RubyEclipse
May 16th, 2014, 10:33 AM
Well I did say it was raw. My attempt was to write it from a observer's point of view, With a bit of the feel that you were one of the boys. I admit I was trying to emphasize the giant feel of the father and the He did, He looked, He grunted. Of course If I were telling it I would have made it Like "HE" looked... "HE" grunted... "HE" did... It is hard to put into writing the spoken word with emphasis in the correct areas. As to the tense issue I still have a fight with describing a event as if it has happened all then. Describing the actions as a has been, when wanting it to be as it is happening.


I appreciate that but a writer shouldn't be using capitals as a form of emphasis. Instead, try using descriptive writing to display is power in order to allow you to better vary your sentence structures.

The first is fine, although the second comma shouldn't be there. The second switches from the past tense 'gazed', to present tense 'sees' which should instead be 'saw'. Again the third is fine for staying in the same tense but you appear to have put in a second comma which shouldn't be there. :)

W.Goepner
May 16th, 2014, 05:21 PM
I appreciate that but a writer shouldn't be using capitals as a form of emphasis. Instead, try using descriptive writing to display is power in order to allow you to better vary your sentence structures.

The first is fine, although the second comma shouldn't be there. The second switches from the past tense 'gazed', to present tense 'sees' which should instead be 'saw'. Again the third is fine for staying in the same tense but you appear to have put in a second comma which shouldn't be there. :)

That is interesting, Thank you. In my writing above, how would you describe the father as he stalked and checked each item for an issue. I run into ideas and they fall short, like "stalked' mentioned earlier.

As to the three examples. I tend to over use the comma true, a big fault on my behalf. The second example is atypical for me, when I get into the looking and seeing of things. I will often switch from one tense to another especially going from; showing the reader the surroundings to the interaction between two characters. When doing this, is it possible to change tense to the viewing of the second example in present tense while the rest of the piece is past.

This is the first four paragraphs of my story I am editing. The third paragraph is my trouble spot. I believe I have it all in the past tense. I feel it would carry better feelings if in the present tense, though I have been warned away from that. "Carry the same tense throughout the story" is always the advice.

James was not sure if he had just fallen asleep, when he became alert. The visions that faded from his mind troubled him. Was it a dream? He asked himself. Try as he might he could not bring the visions back into focus.

As he looked about at his surroundings, he realized, he was in his bedroom next to his wife. He thought back to a time he yearned to be in that position, longed for it for quite some time.

James slowly rolled on his side to face the woman asleep beside him. Raised himself on to his elbow, he gently brushed the dark blond strands of hair from her face. A smile appeared on her lips, the smile that always made his heart race. A smile so loving, so tender, yet so mischievous. Slowly a grin came to his face as he remembered the passion of the last evening. He thought to himself, Yes this is my wife, my human wife. He puzzled with this thought why would he make a distinction of a human wife?

He lay back staring at the ceiling, his thoughts running wild. A a noise brought him out of those thoughts. Gently, he sat up, his mind preoccupied while he scanned the room. He paused briefly on the door, as he tried to reason why he would make such a distinction, his human wife.

To view the first 1200 words go here, http://www.writingforums.com/threads/146413-Bagla-s-Children-The-Searcher-(First-passage)-chaptor-1-(1242-words)?p=1718684&viewfull=1#post1718684

Thank you.

garza
May 16th, 2014, 06:44 PM
W.Goepner - A good story, and I have little to add to what has already been said.

I will comment on your statement saying you had to write without a word processor. That is good. That is how all original writing should be done. If you have Windows you have a good text editor called Notepad. That's all I ever use for writing. All. When the writing is finished and an editor wants what I send to be formatted a certain way or to have pictures, tables, or such, then I use a word processor, but only then. All original writing is done with Notepad. If you are using a Linux machine you have Vi and Vim, and Apple likewise includes a good text editor.

When you write with Notepad, start with word wrap turned on. You'll find word wrap in the 'format' menu. Set the size of the text box to whatever you are comfortable with. I use about a third of the screen, which gives me room to have three 'pads' open at once so I can see an outline, a summary, and current working text all at the same time. If I need more than three I catch one of the pads at the bottom and make it smaller so another can be put in under it for side notes or whatever.

When you want to post here, turn off word wrap, go to edit, select all, then right click and choose copy. Bring it here and paste. There is no hassle at all. What you saw in Notepad is what you will see here. That is how I post every story I write to be posted here. Nothing I post here has ever been in a word processor.

Windows also includes WordPad, a basic word processor. With it you can do simple formatting.

If you forever lean on spell check, grammar check, and such, you will never learn to get it done yourself. You'll be like the kid who never takes the training wheels off his bike. He never learns to ride. A text editor allows you to create without trying to interfere.

The story itself I enjoyed reading. Well, given the subject matter, maybe 'enjoyed' is not the correct word, but you do know how to tell a story, and that ability overcomes many faults. You can teach yourself proper SPaG. You can not give yourself ability you don't have. You do have a strong story-telling ability. Develop that ability, and along the way keep a good dictionary and a good usage manual close by. You will find that as the days pass you will need them less and less.

W.Goepner
May 16th, 2014, 08:13 PM
garza,

Now there is one of the better critiques I have received. Because You not only speak of my work but tell me how a 50+ old man can improve his skills.

My reliance on a word processor is dismal true. I rely on it for a great many of things more than spell check. What is worse I have written in the word processor everything I have. When the processor goes down I panic for I cannot edit or add on to my works in progress. On top of that I have saved everything to the newer version and therefore cannot bring it up in a older version I own. I now have downloaded the Apache OpenOffice, it is free and it updates regularly. So now I can edit and add to the other works again.

I think I might try your idea of notepad or notebook. I believe it is still available in the windows7 and 8. My new desk top is a 7 OS and my laptop is a 8. I have learned to make my 8 system look and act like my 7 with the exception of the start menu. (Damned Microsoft always wanting to remove the options that make sense to the user.) Any way the notepad idea will make me think more, and that is what I need.

To tell the truth on my writing. Until I posted it here and have been getting suggestions and critiques on my shortcomings I was not entirely sure of them.

garza
May 16th, 2014, 09:03 PM
If you want your menu back download Classic Shell (classicshell.net). I have two notebook computers. One runs Windows Vista Business and the other runs Windows 8.1. Both look and behave like Windows 2000 with some added features. The 'start' button says 'start' as it should, and the menu can be configured to look like any version of Windows since 97.

Another advantage of using a text editor instead of a word processor is its cross-platform adaptability. Text files written in any of the common encodings can be read by any operating system. The default encoding for Notepad is ANSI still, I think. I don't know why Microsoft has not updated it. Nonetheless, it still works fine in Windows, Mac, and Linux. I use UTF-8 because a few symbols are not encoded by ANSI or ASCII and can be lost. That is something you don't need to worry about unless you are into a lot of technical writing. I keep a blank Notepad file on the desktop set for UTF-8 and marked new.txt. I also have blank files named new.rtf and new.docx if I need to use a word processor.

Other than spell check and such, why do you need a word processor? I've just finished writing a series of ads for a local media house. They are for radio and the copy I sent was straight from Notepad. Had they been for TV I would have used Word to allow inserting Paint sketches to form a storyboard. Even then the original text would have been composed using Notepad.

'Use the right tool for the job,' my father told me many times.

W.Goepner
May 18th, 2014, 04:58 AM
If you want your menu back download Classic Shell (classicshell.net). I have two notebook computers. One runs Windows Vista Business and the other runs Windows 8.1. Both look and behave like Windows 2000 with some added features. The 'start' button says 'start' as it should, and the menu can be configured to look like any version of Windows since 97.

Another advantage of using a text editor instead of a word processor is its cross-platform adaptability. Text files written in any of the common encodings can be read by any operating system. The default encoding for Notepad is ANSI still, I think. I don't know why Microsoft has not updated it. Nonetheless, it still works fine in Windows, Mac, and Linux. I use UTF-8 because a few symbols are not encoded by ANSI or ASCII and can be lost. That is something you don't need to worry about unless you are into a lot of technical writing. I keep a blank Notepad file on the desktop set for UTF-8 and marked new.txt. I also have blank files named new.rtf and new.docx if I need to use a word processor.

Other than spell check and such, why do you need a word processor? I've just finished writing a series of ads for a local media house. They are for radio and the copy I sent was straight from Notepad. Had they been for TV I would have used Word to allow inserting Paint sketches to form a storyboard. Even then the original text would have been composed using Notepad.

'Use the right tool for the job,' my father told me many times.

To tell the truth? I took in collage a prerequisite for computing. The instructor used the early version of Apple. I was so impressed when he showed an example of the word processor. My favorite to date; "The made maid the bed." Note the two made/maids are mixed for the sentence. It should read "Maid, made." Now MS Word has as yet shown me that is incorrect. It has however told me other sentences are in need of revision. That early Apple program, It would show the issue and suggest a fix, not only point it out. I have been looking for a program like that one Because I know my SPaG is terrible.

garza
May 18th, 2014, 04:20 PM
Apples I've never tasted. I've been hooked on Windows since 4.0. Before that I used several operating systems with no GUI, no environment of any sort, only a command line.

No word processor has ever impressed me as a good writing tool, so Apple's ability to offer an opinion about grammar likewise does not impress me.

Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are the basic tools of writing. These are tools you can learn to use by yourself. Get a good dictionary and a good usage manual. Use them every day. Get a good high school English textbook and study it lesson by lesson. If there is a community college in your area, take the first-year course in English composition (at night if need be). Do whatever you need to do to lose your dependence on a machine to tell you if your spelling, punctuation, and grammar are correct.

Take off the training wheels.