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SVenus
April 29th, 2014, 07:10 PM
Hello again :) Below is posted the first scene of the fourth chapter of my novel. I apologize if some things don't make sense, because it does call upon some information from the first and second chapter (the first chapter is posted on this forum if you want to read it http://www.writingforums.com/threads/145822-A-Breeze-in-Sunlight-again-(830-words) ). But I don't think it should matter much. I'm mainly looking for opinions on some more general things, like the prose, dialogue, grammar, and those things. Anyways, here it is. Thanks in advance :)





THE DOMELORD'S GREETING


“Where will we be staying?” Bracheus asked as they walked down the crowded streets of Dancus.

“Not staying, son,” Byton said. “We now live here, for better or worse.” From the south gate he could see as far as the pillar on the bridge over the Ulico, as it hid the northern part of the city, towering in the center. The pillar was dormant and he could see the stars. “The Domelord will take care of us.” With his shoulder he urged his son and slave to move faster; Athlena still slept in his arms.

She opened her eyes, looking up. She smiled and then said, “The roof is gone?”

“Yes, the dome is in the walls,” Byton said.

“Does it have to do that?”

“It does, or otherwise, well... don't worry about this. We're safe here.” He refrained from looking at Bracheus, though he could sense the expression.

“You can put me down, father. I can walk.”

He did so, but, naturally, he took her hand and they walked side by side, Bracheus and Portom behind.
Surprisingly to Byton they reached the pillar quickly. There was a sense of rush in the air. Life moved more quickly in the cities and he put more strength in his grasp.

The pillar was the same since he was a child. Wide and massive and imposing. It was alone and it gave him an odd sense of ease, despite the lack of the dome. He could hear the Ulico rushing below the bridge, carrying the scent of bile it would despose in the Lake Caerus. For all the piousness many people held for the one god it seemed odd to him that few objected to the use of the god's lake as a burial place for filth. But, it hardly matters in the cities, he thought, the oaken shrines are outside.

“Byton Saros?” a voice said. It was familiar and rude, it could only be one person.

Byton turned to see The Domelord of Dancus behind him, with twelve heavily-armored men that carried large swords. Byton wondered if his children and even Portom, of whom he thought greatly, realized the magnitude of the sight. To see so much iron in one place and on so few people. He could have had a dagger-wielding army for all that, Byton thought, but, what's the point of an army? His thoughts then cleared and gave way to something less situational, like the fact that he heavily disliked Loterus.

He quickly bowed his head to the domelord and his slave did as well. The children seemed confused, they attempted to copy the bow but the lack of synchronicity made the scene seem almost comical, if not for the dead seriousness of Loterus' face.

“Greetings, domelord,” Byton said. “We were actually looking for you.”

“And why is that?”

Byton tried to keep his face from reddening. “We're seeking refuge. Aelus–”

“Collapsed. And?”

“We need your help.”

“Because?”

Byton had heard of a plant that grows by the source of Elsat, a crimson poisonous flower with thorns. He felt rather like that flower. He chose to remain silent.

Despite the rushing rivers and crowds there was a silence between the two groups.

Loterus twitched his lips and then laughed wholeheartedly and with him his group of guards. “I'm only teasing you, Saros. Why don't you come to my house?”

A_Jones
April 29th, 2014, 10:43 PM
Most of your grammar is good. There is one place that I think needs fixed.

“You can put me down, father. I can walk.”

He did so, but, naturally, he took her hand and they walked side by side, Bracheus and Portom behind.

You need to say that the girl talked. I know we can figure that out but it is still proper grammar. As for the story, even the writing. I was utterly confused. Even if it was the thrird chapter, I should have been able to imagine where they were. What the area looked like and such. All I knew was there was a group of people. One boy one man one girl and someone else. And the girl was originally in the mans arms. Thats it. Everything else is black to me.

I would suggest you post the first chapter for critique. :) Send me a pm when you do.

SVenus
April 29th, 2014, 10:57 PM
Thanks for reading. :)

Yeah, I kind of expected that :P Not ever sure why I posted. But I think all of those questions are answered in the previous chapters, i.e. what the city looks like, who the characters are, where they are and why are they there. I could post the second chapter but it's about 2 500 words long and I don't think anyone would want to read that :P

A_Jones
April 29th, 2014, 11:30 PM
No you misunderstand me. Even if I knew what the city looked like, I still wouldnt have known what was going on. For example, I describe my forest in the first chapter of my book but in the third chapter I still need to indicate where they are in it. What they are doing. If someones hair fell in their face and they had to remove it. If they were surrounded by small or large trees. Flashes of light reflecting of the leaves and catching their attention. I still need to know these things.

My chapters are roughly 3000 words full and people read and respond to my work.

The average chapter is anywhere between 1000 and 2500. Just letting you know. I however just read a book where the average chapter was 800 words. And Cornilia Funke is known for her three paragraph chapters. ;)

Nosretap23
May 8th, 2014, 09:11 PM
I am definitely going to read your other chapters. The dialogue was intriguing and it seems you have a knack for description, but I found myself somewhat lost as far as where they were and where they were going and who they were, etc. I think after reading the other chapters I would have a greater ability to critique this chapter. I do think it is written well. My one grammatical critique-and this is just one thing my creative writing professors constantly critiqued me on-is the use of so many commas. Maybe break those sentences up, use hyphens, etc.