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Erik Fantasia
April 29th, 2014, 02:06 AM
Cries of the Heart
Book One: Music of Love
Part One: Heart's Trilogy



Ch.1 The House of Bats

Erik Wolfe felt the chill of late night seep into his skin, invigorating him, exhilarating him. A soft breeze whispered in the dark. Erik loved it. He loved everything about the night; the dark shadows, the solitude that brought a peace only lack of peering eyes can bring forth. He loved the sounds of animals and insects giving testimony to their existence. He breathed
in cool air deeply. Almost perfect. One thing was missing; someone to share his relishment with.
Erik continued to walk down the path of gravel. It was deserted, leading only to a neglected house, falling apart, one floor, nothing inside. It was Erik's favorite place. There were no inner walls, leaving the place wide open, the sounds of the outer world were amplified, everything an echo. Wonderful. Perfect. Almost perfect. One thing was missing; someone to share his relishment with.
The ground beneath Erik's sneaker clad feet started to slope upwards. He was upon the hill, that of which homed the house at the top.
The gravel crunched underfoot Erik as he made his way up to the house. Somewhere a wolf howled. Wolf? Erik hadn't heard any wolves around here before. It sounded distant. It shouldn't bother him.
Erik made it to the top of the hill and to the porch steps. He climbed those steps, the top one creaking as it always did, walked across the porch, opened the door, felt a peculiar buzz as he did so, and walked in.
As soon as he was in, he knew something was different. First of all, the lights were on.





So I have a question. Do I lose readers here by being too drawn out? I want to draw the intro a little but also try to keep interest.

Pluralized
April 29th, 2014, 02:12 AM
.

Nicholas McConnaughay
May 2nd, 2014, 12:13 AM
There's a lot of description here, and much of it seems flowery and overwrought. However, I don't think your style is bad or the prose itself is wrong or anything, just the story is buried about two layers too deep. Uncover some story here, tell me first about why Erik's going up those steps and why, then you can wax poetic about how it all looked and felt to him. The word choices just seem a bit turbocharged for the element, i.e., "relishment" and "perfect" and "wonderful."

If it were toned back a bit, I think it could work just fine. Hope this helps, and hope you'll keep sharing stuff. Keep the laser-focus on the quest, and paint the flowery stuff around it.

I would probably about agree with this. I enjoyed it. I enjoy when writer's write in such a way that gives it a voice, and I feel like that was done to an extent. There's a couple of words that may or may not hurt the flow, and so, revision might be necessary, but this seems to show the baby-steps to what could be a solid piece.

belthagor
May 2nd, 2014, 12:54 AM
It's new to me, and I like it.

Abby
May 7th, 2014, 10:02 PM
Yes, I think you do risk losing your reader's interest with this intro. I like the whole scene you've created, but I think you're losing the atmosphere because it reads quite haltingly. There are too many pauses brought about by the over use of full stops, commas and semi colons, and a lack of connectives. I'm intrigued by the story and I want to know what happens next, but I think you need to give this another go. You don't need to cut out the decriptions, just make them flow a little better.

Nosretap23
May 8th, 2014, 09:02 PM
I like the repetition of the phrase "someone to share his relishment with." I was certainly intrigued by the intro here. I get that this guy is a werewolf, at least I think he is. I think that perhaps you eluded to it too much if that's the case. Make it more mysterious, maybe not as obvious. Then again, it may not be that obvious. That's just what I observed. I don't particularly like the last line. The style is very mysterious, very staccato-short choppy sentences, and then, in my humble opinion, the last line breaks that trend. Thank you.

RubyEclipse
May 11th, 2014, 06:16 PM
I personally love reading this sort of style, I find an error I find in a lot of writing is that it tends to describe too little (although this is only a personal opinion). I feel you set the scene well, however I would advise making it feel a little less disjointed, that was the thing that slowed my reading rather than the presence of the descriptive writing. All in all, I would say that if anything would put me off, it wouldn't be the descriptions :)

dvspec
May 11th, 2014, 08:22 PM
Erik Wolfe felt the chill of late night seep into his skin, invigorating him, exhilarating him. A soft breeze whispered in the dark. Erik loved it. He loved everything about the night; the dark shadows, the solitude that brought a peace only lack of peering eyes can bring forth. He loved the sounds of animals and insects giving testimony to their existence.

He breathed in cool air deeply. Almost perfect. One thing was missing; someone to share his relishment with. <Relishment is not a word according to my dictionary ap. You might get away with it once, but you used it twice and that annoyed me, so I looked it up.>
Erik continued to walk down the path of gravel. It was deserted, leading only to a neglected house, falling apart, one floor, nothing inside. It was Erik's favorite place. There were no inner walls, leaving the place wide open, <Redundant>. the sounds of the outer world were amplified, everything an echo. Wonderful. Perfect. Almost perfect. One thing was missing; someone to share his relishment with.
The ground beneath Erik's sneaker clad feet started to slope upwards. He was upon the hill, that of which homed the house at the top. <This line needs work.

The gravel crunched underfoot Erik as he made his way up to the house. Somewhere a wolf howled. Wolf? Erik hadn't heard any wolves around here before. It sounded distant. It shouldn't bother him.
Erik made it to the top of the hill and to the porch steps. He climbed those steps, the top one creaking as it always did, walked across the porch, opened the door, felt a peculiar buzz as he did so, and walked in. <Make this two sentences.
As soon as he was in, he knew something was different. First of all, the lights were on.

I liked the feel. The style appealed to me.

Quentin
May 12th, 2014, 10:49 AM
I really like the way you set the scene. While I was reading your excerpt I had a pretty clear image of the scene.

I especially liked the part in which you say
One thing was missing; someone to share his relishment with. but then go on with the description of the scene. The fact that you repeat it a few lines later makes it clear that this is a quite important issue to Erick. However, I think it would be better if you rephrased it the second time you state it because it felt a bit strange reading the exact same sentence so soon after the first time.

All in all, I like the style.

Nosretap23
May 14th, 2014, 02:34 AM
Do you have anything new to post Erik Fantasia, perhaps an updated version of your oringial post? I would like to read what it has become.