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Riptide
April 27th, 2014, 07:28 PM
Corridor after corridor I ran, taking turns left and right to lose the vile beast after me. A futile attempt to survive, but I was not ready to die. His stench had me gagging, but I kept sprinting. The green fumes exited his pores in an attempt to stop me from my flight out, but I managed to contain my disgust.

“Do you think you'll survive death, little girl?” He spoke, the words ringing through his twisted fangs. His breath nearly seared my golden locks, but I veered right, and missed the full effect.

My haggard breathing stopped me from coming up with a witty comeback. Something along the lines of me being a woman at 20 years old. I extended my stride. His heavy footsteps were closing in on me, and I was slowing. I hadn't exerted this much stamina and speed since my track days in high school. I took a quick turn, running smack dad into a dead end. Damn... There was a sole window as my only exit.

I turned to face the beast. He had caught up. His claws scrapped against the floor of the building as he came closer. “Hehe, young, puny daughter of a monster, ready to die?”

I shook no, unable to mutter a cry for help, a plea for mercy. He crept closer, his fat swooshing on the tile. “Death... death... death...” he chanted. His purple eyes grew in size the more he walked forward. I backed up, resting on the window now. I had no where else to go.

I shut my eyes and lowered my self into a crouch. My arms were flung in front of me for some minimal protection. 'Please...” I finally managed to whisper.

He chuckled some more. His foul being sloshing closer to me. I opened my eyes one last time, seeing his watery figure. Blinking, my eyes cleared. He was hideous. Gross, and I was going to die by his hands. I pushed my knees closer to myself and closed my eyes again. I didn't need to see the face of death.

The beast stretched out one gangly claw my way. He trailed it across my face, lifting up my chin. “Open your eyes.”

I shook my head, forcing my eyelids down harder.

“Open.” His claw flicked up my cheek, a small stream of blood forming. I winced back, my tears mingled with my blood. He drew a circle on my cheek now, digging in deep enough to cause it to drip red. “You don't want to see me?”

“N-no..” I stuttered out, unable to control my relentless shaking.

“Didn't you always cry about me? Wanting me there, to protect you from your nightmares?”

My breathing sped up. “Shut up.”

“Daddy, daddy, oh, please, Daddy!”

“Shut up!”

“There's a green beast, daddy! Protect me! Waah, waah! Hehe... Daddy, oh, daddy? Remember?”

“Shut up... please... shut up...” I slowly allowed myself to see the face of this beast. Of this monster. Finally giving in to his wishes.

Hovering over me, a fat, ugly, cretin, with the face of a man. His claw never left my face, but forced it up to peer into his.

“See what I have become?” the man said. He was blonde. Rough blonde, with scars running down his eyes and nose. His lip quivered. “See what I am?” The right eye was a brilliant scarlet in color. The other a gray blue as a scar ran straight through it. “See what I must endure?”

“Dad?” I brought my hands to his face. His broken, battered face. Placing my palms on his cheek, I massaged his hollowed in self. “Dad?”

“Darling... Darling Joy... You've grown so big... so big...” A smile stretched across his human features, showing his long, bent canines. They reached past his lips as he grinned. “So tasty, I bet.”

“Dad, why?”

“I'm hungry... so very hungry.” A tongue fell loose, slathering up the empty gaps in his teeth.

Dad... “I'll miss you...” I dug my thumb into his eye socket. He screeched. It was loud, shrill sounding as I pressed harder, kicking off the wall I was backed into. I pushed him to the ground with me standing on top of him. My own tears pelting his green skin, searing them and melting it off. It fell in clumps to the floor as his face burned, pooling off of him like lava. I went deeper and deeper. “Dad... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry...”

He lost his voice, only convulsing now, until that stopped. I didn't let go, though. My hands were coated in mushy black blood. I didn't let up until the skin had flaked off in all its entirety, leaving only a shell of a man. A scrawny, white, emancipated shell. The teeth all dropped and the tongue shriveled in his mouth. I let go. His body dropped, crashing to the floor. His strands of hair flaked off with contact to the ground. I stoop up, wobbling to my feet. I followed the wall out the front door.

I finally found dad after all these years.

30Drummer30
April 28th, 2014, 01:21 AM
Honest truth:
i almost stopped reading after the first paragraph. There was something about it that felt off. The way you started I ran left, then right. to me that felt childish. But that's just me. Also the way you described his fangs as scraggly came off as confusing to me. I understand that is the correct usage of the word but it still threw me off. Mostly because I'm used to seeing the word describe hair.

i started off by saying I almost stopped reading it but I'm glad I didn't stop. I really enjoyed the rest of the story. I really loved the ending. I felt you did the story justice there.

You should post some back story about the characters. That would be interesting to read.
thanks for posting.

Riptide
April 28th, 2014, 03:03 AM
Um.. okay the beginning... let me see how I can fix it... How about: Corridor after corridor I ran taking turns left and right to lose the vile beast after me. A futile attempt to survive, but I was not ready to die.

30Drummer30
April 28th, 2014, 12:07 PM
Perfect! A lot better. Just mentioning the fact she is in a corridor adds much depth and paints a nice picture.
good work

Riptide
April 28th, 2014, 12:50 PM
Thanks! And about those backstories... I'll see if I can incorporate them in to the story