PDA

View Full Version : The Legends of Fantasia



Erik Fantasia
April 24th, 2014, 11:48 PM
EJB is a character I developed as a character experiment on an online forum. Now I always make on going stories regarding Fantasian Mythology, the world I created. I am writing two series based off of that concept and plan on co-writing with a friend.






EJB felt the sun on his face and smiled. The warmth was welcome, a joy he had not felt since the World Conquerers had come. The warmth also brought melancoly for the ones he had lost; his love, his best friend, his brother. With his old ways, EJB would never be able to get past the deaths. But now he was wise. So much had changed.

In the past EJB was the terror of Fantasia, a dark god of cruel humor. He tortured as a hobby, was filled with hate. The Ensnarer, Rebecca, his love changed that. Now he was a good king and god. He was filled with love.

EJB sighed and went on his way towards a lone tree. His white garments blew in the slight breeze that brought life to the stilled air. This brought another smile to the ruler's face. It was good for the air to move again.

EJB sat under the tree, in the shade of the green leaves. He closed his blue eyes and reflected. It was good to relax his agitated mind. It had been so torn and stretched the past days and it still found itself swimming with thoughts and emotions. Many voices echoed in his head, many ideas wanted to be attended. He couldn't quiet his mind. He never slept, try as he might. Being a god he didn't need to but rest was good. Unfortanatley, the mind of him had other ideas.

One voice, the Voice of Old Self, began to speak above the others. It said that EJB could bring Rebecca back, defy the ancient laws. He did not care of the costs. He was the human who had become god.

Erik Fantasia
April 25th, 2014, 12:10 AM
EJB listened. The voice made sense. Right? And yet a warning in his soul tried to plant itself. A conflict took EJB, endangering his structure. Many voices started to yell. EJB abruptly stood up and told the voices to shut up.

Erik Fantasia
April 27th, 2014, 03:58 AM
EJB was now in his friend's bar, the Sorrow's Child Bar. EJB wasn't here to drink painstaking "drinks", but to gather information from his bartendetr friend, Wetwork the necromancer. When EJB walked into the bar, Wetwork had smiled his yellow toothed smile and waved his dirty rag to beckon the immortal ruler over to an empty stool at the counter. Once seated, Wetwork had asked him, What today?" Now came the answer to EJB's request for information on necromancy.
"Well you see, I studdied the magic arts of the elements, shape-shifting, and Nightlock before necromancy. And I still have trouble with doin' too advance' stuff."
'I'm willing to learn the other magical arts," replied EJB.

Erik Fantasia
April 29th, 2014, 01:40 AM
Gabriel walked down the path that he happened to be on, just as life had him. He was alone and lonley, careful to mention both in his thoughts. He had learned a long time ago that the two were not necessarily the same. In fact, he used to be in preference of being alone. Not now a days though. Not after Shirley.
Shirley had been slaughtered by the evil EJB. This was for nothing more than a bit of fun. It had also happened thirty years ago.
Gabriel had never let it go. For all those years he had waited for an oppurtunity. Now he had one.
Gabrie l had mastered the magic of Nightlock and was able to influence EJB's dreams. He would feed him false hope about the return of Rebecca, and then use the item EJB would find for himself, to raise Shirley. Then the two would create a rebellion to topple the god from his throne.

Nosretap23
May 14th, 2014, 02:43 AM
From what I am reading, the concept of your world and the characters in it is a good concept that I believe I would be interested in. However, your writing style is very "telling" as opposed to "showing." I would say develop your dialogue and action. Show the sun shining on his face rather than telling us, either through facial expressions, body movement, or personal, inner dialogue. Things like that. One thing that I found with this in my own writing, and something I had to majorly edit out through my publishing experience, is it makes your writing and each chapter more dense and adds depth to it. In a way, it lengthens your text without trying to just add meaningless filler.

thepancreas11
June 9th, 2014, 06:08 PM
Hey Erik! Saw you had submitted to the LM Comp this month, which I am judging, and I thought, "Well, hey, if a new writer is going to try their hand at something this difficult and daring, being a mentor for New Writers, I should see what they're up to."

And I'm not disappointed. For something so short, it's already interesting. You do a great job presenting your premise, developing the character, and setting up a plot here, all basic essentials that some of the more experienced writers on this site struggle with from time to time, so it's great to see you already in the green here.

What I would like to see more of: dialogue and action. You do a lot of explaining as to who this fellow EJB is, but you don't do a lot of showing us. It's harder to give a character life via dialogue, but it's so much more effective. I can kind of see him, but if I heard him, I would be able to make him out better. Speaking gives away so much more than being spoken about, just as acting speaks even louder than words. A character's actions do far more to advance their personality in a novel than anything else. I'm eager to see a situation where his thoughts and actions and words show me all the background information you've said here via his interactions with others. That will give you length, staying power, and a lot more characterization.

Also, be more bold with the plot. "And then he was here...and then he was there..." Where is he going? What does it look/smell/sound/feel like? Why does he do it? Spend more time fleshing out the importance of certain events and how they pertain to your character. Right now, it reads more like an outline than a story because it's so brief. To be afraid to go into the reasons! That's what readers want! We want to know the answers to the Who/What/Where/When/Why/Hows.

Good start. I'd love to see where you go with it. Write a practice piece with EJB interacting with others maybe?

MsTerious
June 27th, 2014, 04:23 PM
I agree that there's far to much telling in this, and at the same time you also include too much information with too little detail. These details need to be gradually revealed in the story. There's an interesting plot idea here though that could be pretty good when polished up :).

Erik Fantasia
June 27th, 2014, 08:24 PM
So basically, everything that I wrote to be a show has too much telling. If it is a show, is that bad?

Ariel
June 27th, 2014, 09:34 PM
What is meant by "show, don't tell" is the difference between:


"The cats fought" and
"Shadow's ears lay flat and he hunched low to the floor. He swiped out with his claws, hissing. Fur flew and the other cat ran."

The first example here is telling. I just told you the cats were fighting but I didn't give details or "show" it to you. The second example is preferred because it gives detail and description. It doesn't just let he reader know that something happened but lets the reader "see" it happening.

InspektorF
June 28th, 2014, 09:30 AM
I thought as this progressed you were beginning to show more than tell. I find as I work on something, the further into it that I get, the more descriptive I become. This was very interesting. I am looking forward to seeing more of it.

Erik Fantasia
June 28th, 2014, 01:55 PM
Yeah. You see in some of my stories I give the narrative symbolic meaning or an andemic quality and so I guess I kind of got used to writing like that. Oh and I guess I should start writing some more. This would be a bum cliff hanger.

AMiller
July 20th, 2014, 04:57 PM
Overall engaging, and maybe a little left to be desired, There should be more slowing down and describing the scene as it happens. Saying "The room was hot." Is a lot less engaging than "The room seemed to have a wall of heat at the threshold as I past through it, and as I entered, the heat intensified to almost unbearable discomfort.

Lucydity
August 9th, 2014, 03:54 PM
I liked it, perhaps it's not for me to say but a nickname or shorter version of "EJB" would be a bit better than reading an abbreviation of something through the whole chapter.

Daniel Loreand
August 17th, 2014, 02:58 AM
Mirroring the other posts I feel it has a little too much saying and no showing. Saying 'he is wise' is far less effective then an engaging conversation that shows us that this character has a modicum of wisdom. Also I'd love to know what EJB is actually short for. . I'm thinking of EB Farnum from Deadwood haha. Also I'd like to add that perhaps you could build on some mystery you have set up. We don't know what EJB stands for and I thought this sentence could use some work:

'the warmth also brought melancoly for the ones he had lost; his love, his best friend, his brother. With his old ways, EJB would never be able to get past the deaths. But now he was wise. So much had changed'

Now instead of saying 'for the ones he had lost; his love, his best friend, his brother' you could add some more personality to it as if we were sifting through this characters memories. For example:
'The memories of the ones he had lost were more real then his waking life: a soft touch from a loving companion, a stoic soul who stood by him no matter what and a brother bound by blood. - Sorry if that sounds pretentious I just cooked it up, but the point being that a bit of elaboration can go a long way. Good luck pal.

Daniel.