View Full Version : Patronage- 630 words

April 21st, 2014, 12:41 PM
The door to my office opens. The face and name of the red haired girl walking through linger on the periphery of recollection for just a moment then take focus. Her name is Esmerelda McVeigh, she started as a junior analyst for High Risk Investments sometime last month. Two weeks ago she smiled at me awkwardly as I left a meeting room. I smiled back. Hmm, Let's show a little kindness perhaps? You never know after all.

'Hello... It's Esmerelda right?'
She smiles and nods at me. Over the first hurdle; look like you take an interest when there's no reason to. Give them hope.

'Well you've got fifteen minutes of my time Esmerelda, which in itself'll probably make you some enemies amongst those cheerful looking folks outside. How can I help you this morning?'
She turns to look at chattering traders through the glass panes of my office. In this moment of unrestricted observation my eye is drawn to the way her knee curves up and outward into thigh before disappearing behind a simple navy skirt.

'Thanks, I appreciate it Mr Rosencrantz. Call me Esme please. I-I've been looking at the Cohen account, I know its Carl's portfolio but...- I think we could stand to make a much greater return by re-hedging a certain portion of the investments; look I've highlighted my concerns in red-'
She's handing me a file. I like her confidence, the hint of fire in her eyes, still, must follow step two; create an established power structure. Give nothing away for free. I assume a stern face.

'Esme-you're right, this is Carl's Portfolio. -and here at Akroyd-Smith Investment, we trust our co-workers first and foremost. You need to remember this.'
Interesting, her face fell a little further than I'd expect. The poor girl thinks she's blown her chance. An easy transition to my third move then: offer them the chance to become exceptional through your influence. Their hard work, but your influence.

'Look Esme, I meant what I said. Choose your approach more carefully in future. -but, I know how difficult it must have been for you to walk through that door. It was a risk, and the best financial analysts I know take risks.'
She's looking at me intently. The glint is already back in her eyes.

'So I'm going to give you a chance to show me what you can do. Esme, look... are you willing to go the extra mile?'
I certainly hope she is.

'Y-Yes Mr Rosencrantz, I'm here to do a good... I'm here to do the best job I can,'
Shaky, but forceful. She's green, but wants to win at any cost. I don't think I'm asking too much... I move to the final phase, set the price for exceptionalism- a breakdown of the work- private life divide between us.

'Well, here's what I suggest Esme: the Cohen portfolio is Carl's... during working hours. We're going to take another look at it after work, and you're going to show me exactly where Carl has been getting it wrong. Then you're going to show me how YOU would get it right. You'll take me through the numbers, justifying each and every decision. I'll be looking for a great piece of work.'
She's mine now. She'll think about this task, about me, day and night. I'm her chance, the next rung on the ladder. All it'll take is one long session, head down to get some friendly drinks afterwards, reveal a human side to myself...

'Thank you Mr Rosencrantz, you won't regret this.'
She leaves quickly, eager to savour her hard won victory and begin looking for how to win the next... Maybe she's better than Carl? I hope so. I'd love to watch his face as I let him go.

April 21st, 2014, 06:54 PM
I like it, gamblingworld. I think it's an interesting insight into the mind of a character, and I found the somewhat unique POV refreshing. One thing I would recommend would be to add more details of the woman's body. If your narrator is interested in her, he's certainly taking notice. You actually captured that quite well, but I think more details would help reinforce the tone and the idea. You definitely set up for a later meeting between the two; is this part of a book you're writing that you intend more chapters for?

adam c
April 22nd, 2014, 07:35 PM
An interesting piece. The dialogue was good. I don't know why I was happy to hear that he doesn't like Carl. I have no good reason for that.

April 23rd, 2014, 09:25 PM
Thanks, I am writing a Novel set in this 'world' though this isn't a scene from it. I whipped it up the other night because I wanted to see how my style went down. I've written a lot and I haven't revealed anything. It means a lot that you guys have described my approach as interesting and unique. It confirms that I am going in the right direction and knocks back the lonely part of writing a little bit. :)

I appreciate the feedback to be a little more overt in the details.

Apple Ice
April 23rd, 2014, 09:36 PM
Hello GamblingWorld,

Not bad at all. Out of interest, do you know the business well in which your world is set around? Business analyst? I often watch films where the setting is something like this and it's clear the writer doesn't know much about that they're talking about, not that I do either, It's just it's obvious with general and vague business speak. You didn't show any clear lack of knowledge and if you did have a lot of knowledge I would understand your hesitance to expand on it as it could make boring reading. But if you do I think you should make it apparent your characters know they know what they're talking about as it's more authentic. The "highlighted red" scene seemed to be the beginnings of vague business speak to me.

Other than that, I thought it was a good read and your character seemed genuine in his seediness.