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Pietro
April 20th, 2014, 10:27 PM
She closed the door and laid her back against it during two long silent minutes, fixating me without uttering a word. Though she very firmly gripped her bag handle, one tear escaped her; or was it a drop of rain? Her long black hair and her black overcoat were soaked, but seeing all the red in her hazel eyes, I think it was a tear that she left to die indifferently on her cheek. She then looked away from me and let her bag fall on the ground by the door. She took off her overcoat and the threw it on the couch by my side; it dangled by the edge half on the parquet. I gently picked it up and moved towards the coat hanger right behind her. Seeing me approach, she headed away towards the dining table. As she was unbuttoning her white shirt with nervous hands, a button flew off. I was quick to pick it up, a beautifully carved golden Versace button. She kept her gaze away while I handed it to her with one hand, and held her receiving hand with the other. She slowly withdrew hers and placed the button on the table. She took off her shirt, her red-heeled shoes, and her black pants while turning her back towards me. I could not move away, trapped by her curves of gravity. The continuity of her neck with her back, hips and legs, that which could only be described by a single uninterrupted paint-brush stroke on a yet uninvented white canvas, was regularly interrupted by the shadows of the half opened window shutter louvers. I could not but take a step closer and put my hand on her back in an attempt to unhook her bra but she briskly moved away again. She walked towards the cello by the window, unhooked the bra herself and threw it on the table next to me. While continuously turning her back to me, she took off what remained of her lingerie and jewelry except two black pearl earrings. She opened the window shutters and bathed in mild light silently for another minute. She then turned around, sat on the chair by the window facing me, naked, silent, and beautiful. She spread open her legs and wrapped them tightly around the cello. Her hair fell heavily parallel to the strings, over her shoulders and the upper bout of the cello, that discretely covered her chest. Her left earring got lost between the pegs, and she finally looked at me again. I cannot say which were more arousing, her curves or those of the cello. I cannot say whether they were different or the same. The bow took her hand, and the cello started playing her.

jenthepen
April 22nd, 2014, 08:40 PM
This is a haunting and enigmatic story that made me wonder about the relationship between the two characters. The mixture of reluctance and erotic behaviour is intriguing.

I think it would help the dramatic impact if you divided your story into shorter paragraphs I can see five or six natural breaks that could be made. In fact, the last sentence is so powerful I believe it should stand alone as a separate paragraph.

Just my opinion, for what its worth. Anyway,it was an enjoyable read. Good stuff.:thumbr:

Pietro
April 22nd, 2014, 08:48 PM
Thank you jenthepen, glad you enjoyed. Breaking up the paragraph is a good idea. I'll post it next.

Pietro
April 22nd, 2014, 08:50 PM
She closed the door and laid her back against it during two long silent minutes, fixating me without uttering a word. Though she very firmly gripped her bag handle, one tear escaped her; or was it a drop of rain? Her long black hair and her black overcoat were soaked, but seeing all the red in her hazel eyes, I think it was a tear that she left to die indifferently on her cheek.

She then looked away from me and let her bag fall on the ground by the door. She took off her overcoat and the threw it on the couch by my side; it dangled by the edge half on the parquet. I gently picked it up and moved towards the coat hanger right behind her. Seeing me approach, she headed away towards the dining table. As she was unbuttoning her white shirt with nervous hands, a button flew off. I was quick to pick it up, a beautifully carved golden Versace button. She kept her gaze away while I handed it to her with one hand, and held her receiving hand with the other. She slowly withdrew hers and placed the button on the table.

She took off her shirt, her red-heeled shoes, and her black pants while turning her back towards me. I could not move away, trapped by her curves of gravity. The continuity of her neck with her back, hips and legs, that which could only be described by a single uninterrupted paint-brush stroke on a yet uninvented white canvas, was regularly interrupted by the shadows of the half opened window shutter louvers. I could not but take a step closer and put my hand on her back in an attempt to unhook her bra but she briskly moved away again. She walked towards the cello by the window, unhooked the bra herself and threw it on the table next to me. While continuously turning her back to me, she took off what remained of her lingerie and jewelry except two black pearl earrings. She opened the window shutters and bathed in mild light silently for another minute.

She then turned around, sat on the chair by the window facing me, naked, silent, and beautiful. She spread open her legs and wrapped them tightly around the cello. Her hair fell heavily parallel to the strings, over her shoulders and the upper bout of the cello, that discretely covered her chest. Her left earring got lost between the pegs, and she finally looked at me again. I cannot say which were more arousing, her curves or those of the cello. I cannot say whether they were different or the same.

The bow took her hand, and the cello started playing her.

jenthepen
April 23rd, 2014, 03:02 PM
I like the changes you've made, Pietro. It concentrates the reader's mind on the progress of the story. Incidentally, the shorter blocks of writing make for an easier read too.

Jen.

JosephineRinaldi
April 27th, 2014, 01:20 AM
This is so beautiful, yet a little haunting at the same time. I really enjoyed it. Is there more?

Pietro
April 27th, 2014, 10:28 AM
Glad you enjoyed it Josephine. There isn't any more for this piece, that's it :)

Edata
June 3rd, 2014, 07:54 PM
This made me anticipate so much lol, nicely written.

Pietro
June 3rd, 2014, 08:44 PM
Then it served its purpose :)
Glad you enjoyed